translated by W. Conyngham Mallory
BOOK I
[1712-1728]
I HAVE begun on a work which is without precedent, whose
accomplishment will have no imitator. I propose to set before my
fellow-mortals a man in all the truth of nature; and this man shall be
myself.
I have studied mankind and know my heart; I am not made like any one
I have been acquainted with, perhaps like no one in existence; if
not better, I at least claim originality, and whether Nature has acted
rightly or wrongly in destroying the mold in which she cast me, can
only be decided after I have been read.
I will present myself, whenever the last trumpet shall sound, before
the Sovereign Judge with this book in my hand, and loudly proclaim,
"Thus have I acted; these were my thoughts; such was I. With equal
freedom and veracity have I related what was laudable or wicked, I
have concealed no crimes, added no virtues; and if I have sometimes
introduced superfluous ornament, it was merely to occupy a void
occasioned by defect of memory: I may have supposed that certain,
which I only knew to be probable, but have never asserted as truth,
a conscious falsehood. Such as I was, I have declared myself;
sometimes vile and despicable, at others, virtuous, generous, and
sublime; even as Thou hast read my inmost soul: Power Eternal!
assemble round Thy throne an innumerable throng of my
fellow-mortals, let them listen to my confessions, let them blush at
my depravity, let them tremble at my sufferings; let each in his
turn expose with equal sincerity the failings, the wanderings of his
heart, and if he dare, aver, I was better than that man."
I was born at Geneva, in 1712, son of Isaac Rousseau and Susannah
Bernard, citizens. My father's share of a moderate competency, which
was divided among fifteen children, being very trivial, his business
of a watchmaker (in which he had the reputation of great ingenuity)
was his only dependence. My mother's circumstances were more affluent;
she was daughter of a Mons. Bernard, minister, and possessed a
considerable share of modesty and beauty; indeed, my father found some
difficulty in obtaining her hand.
The affection they entertained for each other was almost as early as
their existence; at eight or nine years old they walked together every
evening on the banks of the Treille, and before they were ten, could
not support the idea of separation. A natural sympathy of soul
confined those sentiments of predilection which habit at first
produced; born with minds susceptible of the most exquisite
sensibility and tenderness, it was only necessary to encounter similar
dispositions; that moment fortunately presented itself, and each
surrendered a willing heart.
The obstacles that opposed served only to give a degree of
vivacity to their affection, and the young lover, not being able to
obtain his mistress, was overwhelmed with sorrow and despair. She
advised him to travel- to forget her. He consented- he traveled but
returned more passionate than ever, and had the happiness to find
her equally constant, equally tender. After this proof of mutual
affection, what could they resolve?- to dedicate their future lives to
love! the resolution was ratified with a vow, on which Heaven shed its
benediction.
Fortunately, my mother's brother, Gabriel Bernard, fell in love with
one of my father's sisters: she had no objection to the match, but
made the marriage of his sister with her brother an indispensable
preliminary. Love soon removed every obstacle, and the two weddings
were celebrated the same day: thus my uncle became the husband of my
aunt, and their children were doubly cousins german. Before a year was
expired, both had the happiness to become fathers, but were soon after
obliged to submit to a separation.
My uncle Bernard, who was an engineer, went to serve in the empire
and Hungary, under Prince Eugene, and distinguished himself both at
the siege and battle of Belgrade. My father, after the birth of my
only brother, set off, on recommendation, for Constantinople, and
was appointed watchmaker to the Seraglio. During his absence, the
beauty, wit, and accomplishments* of my mother attracted a number of
admirers, among whom Mons. de la Closure, Resident of France, was
the most assiduous in his attentions. His passion must have been
extremely violent, since after a period of thirty years I have seen
him affected at the very mention of her name. My mother had a
defense more powerful even than her virtue; she tenderly loved my
father, and conjured him to return; his inclination seconding his
request, he gave up every prospect of emolument, and hastened to
Geneva.
* They were too brilliant for her situation, the minister, her
father, having bestowed great pains on her education. She was taught
drawing, singing, and to play on the theorbo; had learning, and
wrote very agreeable verses. The following is an extempore piece which
she composed in the absence of her husband and brother, in a
conversation with some person relative to them, while walking with her
sister-in-law, and their two children:
Ces deux messieurs, qui sont absens,
Nous sont chers de bien des manieres;
Ce sont nos amis, nos amans,
Ce sont nos maris et nos freres,
Et les peres de ces enfans.
These absent ones, who justly claim
Our hearts, by every tender name,
To whom each wish extends:
Our husbands and our brothers are,
The fathers of this blooming pair,
Our lovers and our friends.
I was the unfortunate fruit of this return, being born ten months
after, in a very weakly and infirm state; my birth cost my mother
her life, and was the first of my misfortunes. I am ignorant how my
father supported her loss at that time, but I know he was ever after
inconsolable. In me he still thought he saw her he so tenderly
lamented, but could never forget that I had been the innocent cause of
his misfortune, nor did he over embrace me, but his sighs, the
convulsive pressure of his arms, witnessed that a bitter regret
mingled itself with his caresses, though, as may be supposed, they
were not on this account less ardent. When he said to me, "Jean
Jacques, let us talk of your mother," my usual reply was, "Yes,
father, but then, you know, we shall cry," and immediately the tears
started from his eyes. "Ah!" exclaimed he, with agitation, "Give me
back my wife; at least console me for her loss; fill up, dear boy, the
void she has left in my soul. Could I love thee thus wert thou only my
son?" Forty years after this loss he expired in the arms of a second
wife, but the name of the first still vibrated on his lips, still
was her image engraved on his heart.
Such were the authors of my being: of all the gifts it had pleased
Heaven to bestow on them, a feeling heart was the only one that
descended to me; this had been the source of their felicity, it was
the foundation of all my misfortunes.
I came into the world with so few signs of life, that they
entertained but little hope of preserving me, with the seeds of a
disorder that has gathered strength with years, and from which I am
now relieved at intervals, only to suffer a different, though more
intolerable evil. I owed my preservation to one of my father's
sisters, an amiable and virtuous girl, who took the most tender care
of me; she is yet living, nursing, at the age of fourscore, a
husband younger than herself, but worn out with excessive drinking.
Dear aunt! I freely forgive your having preserved my life, and only
lament that it is not in my power to bestow on the decline of your
days the tender solicitude and care you lavished on the first dawn
of mine. My nurse, Jaqueline, is likewise living, and in good
health- the hands that opened my eyes to the light of this world may
close them at my death. We suffer before we think; it is the common
lot of humanity. I experienced more than my proportion of it. I have
no knowledge of what passed prior to my fifth or sixth year; I
recollect nothing of learning to read, I only remember what effect the
first considerable exercise of it produced on my mind; and from that
moment I date an uninterrupted knowledge of myself.
Every night, after supper, we read some part of a small collection
of romances which had been my mother's. My father's design was only to
improve me in reading, and he thought these entertaining works were
calculated to give me a fondness for it; but we soon found ourselves
so interested in the adventures they contained, that we alternately
read whole nights together, and could not bear to give over until at
the conclusion of a volume. Sometimes, in a morning, on hearing the
swallows at our window, my father, quite ashamed of this weakness,
would cry, "Come, come, let us go to bed; I am more a child than
thou art."
I soon acquired, by this dangerous custom, not only an extreme
facility in reading and comprehending, but, for my age, a too intimate
acquaintance with the passions. An infinity of sensations were
familiar to me, without possessing any precise idea of the objects
to which they related- I had conceived nothing- I had felt the
whole. This confused succession of emotions did not retard the
future efforts of my reason, though they added an extravagant,
romantic notion of human life, which experience and reflection have
never been able to eradicate.
My romance reading concluded with the summer of 1719, the
following winter was differently employed. My mother's library being
quite exhausted, we had recourse to that part of her father's which
had devolved to us; here we happily found some valuable books, which
was by no means extraordinary, having been selected by a minister that
truly deserved that title, in whom learning (which was the rage of the
times) was but a secondary commendation, his taste and good sense
being most conspicuous. The history of the Church and Empire by Le
Sueur, Bossuett's Discourses on Universal History, Plutarch's Lives,
the History of Venice by Nani, Ovid's Metamorphoses, La Bruyere,
Fontenelle's World, his Dialogues of the Dead, and a few volumes of
Moliere, were soon ranged in my father's closet, where, during the
hours he was employed in his business, I daily read them, with an
avidity and taste uncommon, perhaps unprecedented at my age.
Plutarch presently became my greatest favorite. The satisfaction I
derived from the repeated readings I gave this author, extinguished my
passion for romances, and I shortly preferred Agesilaus, Brutus, and
Aristides, to Orondates, Artemenes, and Juba. These interesting
studies, seconded by the conversations they frequently occasioned with
my father, produced that republican spirit and love of liberty, that
haughty and invincible turn of mind, which rendered me impatient of
restraint or servitude, and became the torment of my life, as I
continually found myself in situations incompatible with these
sentiments. Incessantly occupied with Rome and Athens, conversing,
if I may so express myself, with their illustrious heroes; born the
citizen of a republic, of a father whose ruling passion was the love
of his country, I was fired with these examples; could fancy myself
a Greek or Roman, and readily give into the character of the personage
whose life I read; transported by the recital of any extraordinary
instance of fortitude or intrepidity, animation flashed from my
eyes, and gave my voice additional strength and energy. One day, at
table, while relating the fortitude of Scoevola, they were terrified
at seeing me start from my seat and hold my hand over a hot
chafing-dish, to represent more forcibly the action of that determined
Roman.
My brother, who was seven years older than myself, was brought up to
my father's profession. The extraordinary affection they lavished on
me might be the reason he was too much neglected: this certainly was a
fault which cannot be justified. His education and morals suffered
by this neglect, and he acquired the habits of a libertine before he
arrived at an age to be really one. My father tried what effect
placing him with a master would produce, but he still persisted in the
same ill conduct. Though I saw him so seldom that it could hardly be
said we were acquainted, I loved him tenderly, and believe he had as
strong an affection for me as a youth of his dissipated turn of mind
could be supposed capable of. One day, I remember, when my father
was correcting him severely, I threw myself between them, embracing my
brother, whom I covered with my body, receiving the strokes designed
for him; I persisted so obstinately in my protection, that either
softened by my cries and tears, or fearing to hurt me most, his
anger subsided, and he pardoned his fault. In the end, my brother's
conduct became so bad that he suddenly disappeared, and we learned
some time after that he was in Germany, but he never wrote to us,
and from that day we heard no news of him: thus I became an only son.
If this poor lad was neglected, it was quite different with his
brother, for the children of a king could not be treated with more
attention and tenderness than were bestowed on my infancy, being the
darling of the family; and what is rather uncommon, though treated
as a beloved, never a spoiled child; was never permitted, while
under paternal inspection, to play in the street with other
children; never had any occasion to contradict or indulge those
fantastical humors which are usually attributed to nature, but are
in reality the effects of an injudicious education. I had the faults
common to my age, was talkative, a glutton, and sometimes a liar; made
no scruple of stealing sweetmeats, fruits, or, indeed, any kind of
eatables; but never took delight in mischievous waste, in accusing
others, or tormenting harmless animals. I recollect, indeed, that
one day, while Madam Clot, a neighbor of ours, was gone to church, I
made water in her kettle; the remembrance even now makes me smile, for
Madam Clot (though, if you please, a good sort of creature) was one of
the most tedious grumbling old women I ever knew. Thus have I given
a brief, but faithful, history of my childish transgressions.
How could I become cruel or vicious, when I had before my eyes
only examples of mildness, and was surrounded by some of the best
people in the world? My father, my aunt, my nurse, my relations, our
friends, our neighbors, all I had any connections with, did not obey
me, it is true, but loved me tenderly, and I returned their affection.
I found so little to excite my desires, and those I had were so seldom
contradicted, that I was hardly sensible of possessing any, and can
solemnly aver I was an absolute stranger to caprice until after I
had experienced the authority of a master.
Those hours that were not employed in reading or writing with my
father, or walking with my governess, Jaqueline, I spent with my aunt;
and whether seeing her embroider, or hearing her sing, whether sitting
or standing by her side, I was ever happy. Her tenderness and
unaffected gayety, the charms of her figure and countenance, have left
such indelible impressions on my mind, that her manner, look, and
attitude, are still before my eyes; I recollect a thousand little
caressing questions; could describe her clothes, her head-dress, nor
have the two curls of fine black hair which hung on her temples,
according to the mode of that time, escaped my memory.
Though my taste, or rather passion, for music, did not show itself
until a considerable time after, I am fully persuaded it is to her I
am indebted for it. She knew a great number of songs, which she sung
with great sweetness and melody. The serenity and cheerfulness which
were conspicuous in this lovely girl, banished melancholy, and made
all round her happy.
The charms of her voice had such an affect on me, that not only
several of her songs have ever since remained on my memory, but some I
have not thought of from my infancy, as I grow old, return upon my
mind with a charm altogether inexpressible. Would any one believe that
an old dotard like me, worn out with care and infirmity, should
sometime surprise himself weeping like a child, and in a voice
querulous, and broken by age, muttering out one of those airs which
were the favorites of my infancy? There is one song in particular,
whose tune I perfectly recollect, but the words that compose the
latter half of it constantly refuse every effort to recall them,
though I have a confused idea of the rhymes. The beginning, with
what I have been able to recollect of the remainder, is as follows:
Tircis, je n'ose
Ecouter ton Chalumeau
Sous l' Ormeau;
Car on en cause
Deja dans notre hameau.
--- --- ---
-un Berger
s'engager
sans danger,
Et toujours l'epine est sous la rose.
I have endeavored to account for the invincible charm my heart feels
on the recollection of this fragment, but it is altogether
inexplicable. I only know, that before I get to the end of it, I
always find my voice interrupted by tenderness, and my eyes suffused
with tears. I have a hundred times formed the resolution of writing to
Paris for the remainder of these words, if any one should chance to
know them: but I am almost certain the pleasure I take in the
recollection would be greatly diminished was I assured any one but
my poor aunt Susan had sung them.
Such were my affections on entering this life. Thus began to form
and demonstrate itself a heart at once haughty and tender, a character
effeminate, yet invincible; which, fluctuating between weakness and
courage, luxury and virtue, has ever set me in contradiction to
myself; causing abstinence and enjoyment, pleasure and prudence,
equally to shun me.
This course of education was interrupted by an accident, whose
consequences influenced the rest of my life. My father had a quarrel
ungenerous man, happening to bleed at the nose, in order to be
revenged, accused my father of having drawn his sword on him in the
city, and in consequence of this charge they were about to conduct
him to prison. He insisted (according to the law of this republic)
that the accuser should be confined at the same time; and, not being
able to obtain this, preferred a voluntary banishment for the
remainder of his life, to giving up a point by which he must
sacrifice his honor and liberty.
I remained under the tuition of my uncle Bernard, who was at that
time employed in the fortifications of Geneva. He had lost his
eldest daughter, but had a son about my own age, and we were sent
together to Bossey, to board with the Minister Lambercier. Here we
were to learn Latin, with all the insignificant trash that has
obtained the name of education.
Two years spent in this village softened, in some degree, my Roman
fierceness, and again reduced me to a state of childhood. At Geneva,
where nothing was exacted, I loved reading, which was, indeed, my
principal amusement; but, at Bossey, where application was expected, I
was fond of play as a relaxation. The country was so new, so
charming in my idea, that it seemed impossible to find satiety in
its enjoyments, and I conceived a passion for rural life, which time
has not been able to extinguish; nor have I ever ceased to regret
the pure and tranquil pleasures I enjoyed at this place in my
childhood; the remembrance having followed me through every age,
even to that in which I am hastening again towards it.
M. Lambercier was a worthy, sensible man, who, without neglecting
our instruction, never made our acquisitions burthensome, or tasks
tedious. What convinces me of the rectitude of his method is, that
notwithstanding my extreme aversion to restraint, the recollection
of my studies is never attended with disgust; and, if my improvement
was trivial, it was obtained with ease, and has never escaped memory.
The simplicity of this rural life was of infinite advantage in
opening my heart to the reception of true friendship. The sentiments I
had hitherto formed on this subject were extremely elevated, but
altogether imaginary. The habit of living in this peaceful manner soon
united me tenderly to my cousin Bernard; my affection was more
ardent than that I had felt for my brother, nor has time ever been
able to efface it. He was a tall, lank, weakly boy, with a mind as
mild as his body was feeble, and who did not wrong the good opinion
they were disposed to entertain for the son of my guardian. Our
studies, amusements, and tasks, were the same; we were alone; each
wanted a playmate; to separate would, in some measure, have been to
annihilate us. Though we had not many opportunities of demonstrating
our attachment to each other, it was certainly extreme; and so far
from enduring the thought of separation, we could not even form an
idea that we should ever be able to submit to it. Each of a
disposition to be won by kindness, and complaisant, when not soured by
contradiction, we agreed in every particular. If, by the favor of
those who governed us he had the ascendant while in their presence,
I was sure to acquire it when we were alone, and this preserved the
equilibrium so necessary in friendship. If he hesitated in repeating
his task, I prompted him; when my exercises were finished, I helped to
write his; and, in our amusements, my disposition being most active,
ever had the lead. In a word, our characters accorded so well, and the
friendship that subsisted between us was so cordial, that during the
five years we were at Bossey and Geneva we were inseparable: we
often fought, it is true, but there never was any occasion to separate
us. No one of our quarrels lasted more than a quarter of an hour,
and never in our lives did we make any complaint of each other. It may
be said, these remarks are frivolous; but, perhaps, a similar
example among children can hardly be produced.
The manner in which I passed my time at Bossey was so agreeable to
my disposition, that it only required a longer duration absolutely
to have fixed my character, which would have had only peaceable,
affectionate, benevolent sentiments for its basis. I believe no
individual of our kind ever possessed less natural vanity than myself.
At intervals, by an extraordinary effort, I arrived at sublime
ideas, but presently sunk again into my original languor. To be
beloved by every one who knew me was my most ardent wish. I was
naturally mild, my cousin was equally so, and those who had the care
of us were of similar dispositions. Everything contributed to
strengthen those propensities which nature had implanted in my breast,
and during the two years I was neither the victim nor witness of any
violent emotions.
I knew nothing so delightful as to see every one content; not only
with me, but all that concerned them. When repeating our catechism
at church, nothing could give me greater vexation, on being obliged to
hesitate, than to see Miss Lambercier's countenance express
disapprobation and uneasiness. This alone was more afflicting to me
than the shame of faltering before so many witnesses, which,
notwithstanding, was sufficiently painful; for though not
over-solicitous of praise, I was feelingly alive to shame; yet I can
truly affirm, the dread of being reprimanded by Miss Lambercier
alarmed me less than the thought of making her uneasy.
Neither she nor her brother were deficient in a reasonable severity,
but as this was scarce ever exerted without just cause, I was more
afflicted at their disapprobation than the punishment. Certainly the
method of treating youth would be altered if the distant effects, this
indiscriminate, and frequently indiscreet method produces, were more
conspicuous. I would willingly excuse myself from a further
explanation, did not the lesson this example conveys (which points out
an evil as frequent as it is pernicious) forbid my silence.
As Miss Lambercier felt a mother's affection, she sometimes
exerted a mother's authority, even to inflicting on us, when we
deserved it, the punishment of infants. She had often threatened it,
and this threat of a treatment entirely new, appeared to me
extremely dreadful; but I found the reality much less terrible than
the idea, and what is still more unaccountable, this punishment
increased my affection for the person who had inflicted it. All this
affection, aided by my natural mildness, was scarcely sufficient to
prevent my seeking, by fresh offenses, a return of the same
chastisement; for a degree of sensuality had mingled with the smart
and shame, which left more desire than fear of a repetition. I was
well convinced the same discipline from her brother would have
produced a quite contradictory effect; but from a man of his
disposition this was not probable, and if I abstained from meriting
correction, it was merely from a fear of offending Miss Lambercier,
for benevolence, aided by the passions, has ever maintained an
empire over me which has given law to my heart.
This event, which, though desirable, I had not endeavored to
accelerate, arrived without my fault; I should say, without my
seeking; and I profited by it with a safe conscience; but this second,
was also the last time, for Miss Lambercier, who doubtless had some
reason to imagine this chastisement did not produce the desired
effect, declared it was too fatiguing, and that she renounced it for
the future. Till now we had slept in her chamber, and during the
winter, even in her bed; but two days after another room was
prepared for us.
Who would believe this childish discipline, received at eight
years old, from the hand of a woman of thirty, should influence my
propensities, my desires, my passions, for the rest of my life, and
that in quite a contrary sense from what might naturally have been
expected? The very incident that inflamed my senses, gave my desires
such an extraordinary turn, that, confined to what I had already
experienced, I sought no further, and, with blood boiling with
sensuality almost from my birth, preserved my purity beyond the age
when the coldest constitutions lose their sensibility; long tormented,
without knowing by what, I gazed on every handsome woman with delight;
imagination incessantly brought their charms to my remembrance, only
to transform them into so many Miss Lamberciers. Even after having
attained the marriageable age this odd taste still continued and drove
me nearly to depravity and madness.
If ever education was perfectly chaste, it certainly that I
received; my three aunts were of exemplary prudence. My father, it
is true, loved pleasure, but his gallantry was rather of the last than
the present century. At M. Lambercier's a good maidservant was
discharged for having once made use of an expression before us which
was thought to contain some degree of indelicacy. I entertained a
particular aversion for courtesans, nor could I look on a rake without
a degree of disdain mingled with terror. My aversion for lewdness went
so far, since one day I walked through a hollow in the road at Petit
Sacconez; I saw on both sides cavities in the earth and was told
that it was there the people did their pairing. When I thought of
it, it came to my mind, that I had seen dogs in a similar situation,
and my heart revolted at the remembrance.
These prejudices of education, proper in themselves to retard the
first explosions of a combustible constitution, were strengthened,
as I have already hinted, by the effect the first moments of
sensuality produced in me, for notwithstanding the troublesome
ebullition of my blood, I was satisfied with the species of
voluptuousness I had already been acquainted with, and sought no
further. I never went to the other species of voluptuousness and had
no suspicion that I was so near it. In my crazy fancies during my
erotic passions and while I was committing extravagant acts, I
borrowed the help of the other sex in my imagination.
Thus I passed the age of puberty, with a constitution extremely
ardent, without knowing or even wishing for any other gratification of
the passions than what Miss Lambercier had innocently given me an idea
of; and when I became a man, that childish taste, instead of
vanishing, only associated with the other that I never could remove
from my sensual desires. This folly, joined to a natural timidity, has
always prevented my being very enterprising with women, so that I have
passed my days in languishing in silence for those I most admired,
without daring to disclose my wishes.
To fall at the feet of an imperious mistress, obey her mandates,
or implore pardon, were for me the most exquisite enjoyments, and
the more my blood was inflamed by the efforts of a lively
imagination the more I acquired the appearance of a whining lover.
It will be readily conceived that this mode of making love is not
attended with a rapid progress or imminent danger to the virtue of its
object; yet, though I have few favors to boast of I have not been
excluded from enjoyment, however imaginary. Thus the senses, in
concurrence with a mind equally timid and romantic, have preserved
my morals chaste, and feelings uncorrupted, with precisely the same
inclinations, which, seconded with a moderate portion of effrontery,
might have plunged me into the most unwarrantable excesses.
I have made the first, most difficult step, in the obscure and
painful maze of my Confessions. We never feel so great a degree of
repugnance in divulging what is really criminal, as what is merely
ridiculous. I am now assured of my resolution, for after what I have
dared disclose, nothing can have power to deter me. The difficulty
attending these acknowledgments will be readily conceived, when I
declare, that during the whole of my life, though frequently
laboring under the most violent agitation, being hurried away with the
impetuosity of passion I could never, in the course of the most
unbounded familiarity, acquire sufficient courage to declare my folly,
and implore the only favor that remained to bestow. That has only once
happened, when a child, with a girl of my own age; even then it was
she who first proposed it.
In thus investigating the first traces of my sensible existence, I
find elements, which, though seemingly incompatible, have united to
produce a simple and uniform effect; while others, apparently the
same, have, by the concurrence of certain circumstances, formed such
different combinations, that it would never be imagined they had any
affinity; who would believe, for example, that one of the most
vigorous springs of my soul was tempered in the identical source
from whence luxury and ease mingled with my constitution and
circulated in my veins? Before I quit this subject, I will add a
striking instance of the different effects they produced.
One day, while I was studying in a chamber contiguous to the
kitchen, the maid set some of Miss Lambercier's combs to dry by the
fire, and on coming to fetch them some time after, was surprised to
find the teeth of one of them broken off. Who could be suspected of
this mischief? No one but myself had entered the room: I was
questioned, but denied having any knowledge of it. Mr. and Miss
Lambercier consult, exhort, threaten, but all to no purpose; I
obstinately persist in the denial; and, though this was the first time
I had been detected in a confirmed falsehood, appearances were so
strong that they overthrew all my protestations. This affair was
thought serious; the mischief, the lie, the obstinacy, were considered
equally deserving of punishment, which was not now to be
administered by Miss Lambercier. My uncle Bernard was written to; he
arrived; and my poor cousin being charged with a crime no less
serious, we were conducted to the same execution, which was
inflicted with great severity. If finding a remedy in the evil itself,
they had sought ever to allay my depraved desires, they could not have
chosen a shorter method to accomplish their designs, and, I can assure
my readers, I was for a long time freed from the dominion of them.
As this severity could not draw from me the expected acknowledgment,
which obstinacy brought on several repetitions, and reduced me to a
deplorable situation, yet I was immovable, and resolutely determined
to suffer death rather than submit. Force, at length, was obliged to
yield to the diabolical infatuation of a child, for no better name was
bestowed on my constancy, and I came out of this dreadful trial, torn,
it is true, but triumphant. Fifty years have expired since this
adventure- the fear of punishment is no more. Well, then, I aver, in
the face of Heaven, I was absolutely innocent: and, so far from
breaking, or even touching the comb, never came near the fire. It will
be asked, how did this mischief happen? I can form no conception of
it, I only know my own innocence.
Let any one figure to himself a character whose leading traits
were docility and timidity, but haughty, ardent, and invincible, in
its passions; a child, hitherto governed by the voice of reason,
treated with mildness, equity, and complaisance, who could not even
support the idea of injustice, experiencing, for the first time, so
violent an instance of it, inflicted by those he most loved and
respected. What perversion of ideas! What confusion in the heart,
the brain, in all my little being, intelligent and moral!- let any
one, I say, if possible, imagine all this, for I am incapable of
giving the least idea of what passed in my mind at that period.
My reason was not sufficiently established to enable me to put
myself in the place of others, and judge how much appearances
condemned me, I only beheld the rigor of a dreadful chastisement,
inflicted for a crime I had not committed; yet I can truly affirm, the
smart I suffered, though violent, was inconsiderable to what I felt
from indignation, rage, and despair. My cousin, who was almost in
similar circumstances, having been punished for an involuntary
fault, as guilty of a premeditated crime, became furious by my
example. Both in the same bed, we embraced each other with
convulsive transport; we were almost suffocated; and when our young
hearts found sufficient relief to breathe out our indignation, we
sat up in the bed, and with all our force, repeated a hundred times,
Carnifex! Carnifex! Carnifex! Executioner, tormentor.
Even while I write this I feel my pulse quicken, and should I live a
hundred thousand years, the agitation of that moment would still be
fresh in my memory. The first instance of violence and oppression is
so deeply engraven on my soul, that every relative idea renews my
emotion: the sentiment of indignation, which in its origin had
reference only to myself, has acquired such strength, and is at
present so completely detached from personal motives, that my heart is
as much inflamed at the sight or relation of any act of injustice
(whatever may be the object, or wheresoever it may be perpetrated)
as if I was the immediate sufferer. When I read the history of a
merciless tyrant, or the dark and the subtle machination of a
knavish designing priest, I could on the instant set off to stab the
miscreants, though I was certain to perish in the attempt.
I have frequently fatigued myself by running after and stoning a
cock, a cow, a dog, or any animal I saw tormenting another, only
because it was conscious of possessing superior strength. This may
be natural to me, and I am inclined to believe it is, though the
lively impression of the first injustice I became the victim of was
too long and too powerfully remembered not to have added
considerable force to it.
This occurrence terminated my infantine serenity; from that moment I
ceased to enjoy a pure unadulterated happiness, and on a retrospection
of the pleasures of my childhood, I yet feel they ended here. We
continued at Bossey some months after this event, but were like our
first parents in the Garden of Eden after they had lost their
innocence; in appearance our situation was the same, in effect it
was totally different.
Affection, respect, intimacy, confidence, no longer attached the
pupils to their guides; we beheld them no longer as divinities, who
could read the secrets of our hearts; we were less ashamed of
committing faults, more afraid of being accused of them: we learned to
dissemble, to rebel, to lie: all the vices common to our years began
to corrupt our happy innocence, mingle with our sports, and embitter
our amusements. The country itself, losing those sweet and simple
charms which captivate the heart, appeared a gloomy desert, or covered
with a veil that concealed its beauties. We cultivated our little
gardens no more: our flowers were neglected. We no longer scratched
away the mold, and broke out into exclamations of delight, on
discovering that the grain we had sown began to shoot. We were
disgusted with our situation; our preceptors were weary of us. In a
word, my uncle wrote for our return, and we left Mr. and Miss
Lambercier without feeling any regret at the separation.
Near thirty years passed away from my leaving Bossey, without once
recalling the place to my mind with any degree of satisfaction; but
after having passed the prime of life, as I decline into old age
(while more recent occurrences are wearing out apace) I feel these
remembrances revive and imprint themselves on my heart, with a force
and charm that every day acquires fresh strength; as if, feeling
life flee from me, I endeavored to catch it again by its commencement.
The most trifling incidents of those happy days delight me, for no
other reason than being of those days, I recall every circumstance
of time, place, and persons; I see the maid or footman busy in the
chamber, a swallow entering the window, a fly settling on my hand
while repeating my lesson. I see the whole economy of the apartment;
on the right hand Mr. Lambercier's closet, with a print representing
all the popes, a barometer, a large almanac, the windows of the
house (which stood in a hollow at the bottom of the garden) shaded
by raspberry shrubs, whose shoots sometimes found entrance; I am
sensible the reader has no occasion to know all this, but I feel a
kind of necessity for relating it. Why am I not permitted to recount
all the little anecdotes of that thrice happy age, at the recollection
of whose joys I even tremble with delight? Five or six particularly-
let us compromise the matter- I will give up five, but then I must
have one, and only one, provided I may draw it out to its utmost
length, in order to prolong my satisfaction.
If I only sought yours, I should choose that of Miss Lambercier's
backside, which, by an unlucky fall at the bottom of the meadow, was
exposed to the view of the King of Sardinia, who happened to be
passing by; but that of the walnut tree on the terrace is more amusing
to me, since here I was an actor, whereas, in the above-mentioned
scene I was only a spectator, and I must confess I see nothing that
should occasion risibility in an accident, which, however laughable in
itself, alarmed me for a person I loved as a mother, or perhaps
something more.
Ye curious readers, whose expectations are already on the stretch
for the noble history of the terrace, listen to the tragedy, and
abstain from trembling, if you can, at the horrible catastrophe.
At the outside of the courtyard door, on the left hand, was a
terrace; here they often sat after dinner; but it was subject to one
inconvenience, being too much exposed to the rays of the sun; to
obviate this defect, Mr. Lambercier had a walnut tree set there, the
planting of which was attended with great solemnity. The two
boarders were godfathers, and while the earth was replacing round
the root, each held the tree with one hand, singing songs of
triumph. In order to water it with more effect, they formed a kind
of luson around its foot: myself and cousin, who were every day ardent
spectators of this watering, confirmed each other in the very
natural idea, that it was nobler to plant trees on the terrace than
colors on a breach, and this glory we were resolved to procure without
dividing it with any one.
In pursuance of this resolution, we cut a slip off a willow, and
planted it on the terrace, at about eight or ten feet distance from
the august walnut tree. We did not forget to make a hollow round it,
but the difficulty was how to procure a supply of water, which was
brought from a considerable distance, and we not permitted to fetch
it: but water was absolutely necessary for our willow, and we made use
of every stratagem to obtain it.
For a few days everything succeeded so well that it began to bud,
and throw out small leaves, which we hourly measured, convinced
(though now scarce a foot from the ground) it would soon afford us a
refreshing shade. This unfortunate willow, by engrossing our whole
time, rendered us incapable of application to any other study, and the
cause of our inattention not being known, we were kept closer than
before. The fatal moment approached when water must fail, and we
were already afflicted with the idea that our tree must perish with
drought. At length necessity, the parent of industry, suggested an
invention, by which we might save our tree from death, and ourselves
from despair; it was to make a furrow underground, which would
privately conduct a part of the water from the walnut tree to our
willow. This undertaking was executed with ardor, but did not
immediately succeed- our descent was not skillfully planned- the water
did not run, the earth falling in and stopping up the burrow; yet,
though all went contrary, nothing discouraged us, Labor omnia vincit
labor improbus. We made the basin deeper, to give the water a more
sensible descent; we cut the bottom of a box into narrow planks;
increased the channel from the walnut tree to our willow, and laying a
row flat at the bottom, set two others inclining towards each other,
so as to form a triangular channel; we formed a king of grating with
small sticks at the end next the walnut tree, to prevent the earth and
stones from stopping it up, and having carefully covered our work with
well-trodden earth, in a transport of hope and fear attended the
hour of watering. After an interval which seemed an age of
expectation, this hour arrived. Mr. Lambercier, as usual, assisted
at the operation; we contrived to get between him and our tree,
towards which he fortunately turned his back. They no sooner began
to pour the first pail of water, than we perceived it running to the
willow; this sight was too much for our prudence, and we involuntarily
expressed our transport by a shout of joy. The sudden exclamation made
Mr. Lambercier turn about, though at that instant he was delighted
to observe how greedily the earth, which surrounded the root of his
walnut tree, imbibed the water. Surprised at seeing two trenches
partake of it, he shouted in his turn, examines, perceives the
roguery, and, sending instantly for a pick axe, at one fatal blow
makes two or three of our planks fly, crying out meantime with all his
strength an aqueduct! an aqueduct! His strokes redoubled, every one of
which made an impression on our hearts; in a moment the planks, the
channel, the basin, even our favorite willow, all were plowed up,
nor was one word pronounced during this terrible transaction, except
the above-mentioned exclamation. An aqueduct! repeated he, while
destroying all our hopes, an aqueduct! an aqueduct!
It may be supposed this adventure had a still more melancholy end
for the young architects; this, however, was not the case; the
affair ended here. Mr. Lambercier never reproached us on this
account nor was his countenance clouded with a frown; we even heard
him mention the circumstance to his sister with loud bursts of
laughter. The laugh of Mr. Lambercier might be heard to a considerable
distance. But what is still more surprising, after the first transport
of sorrow had subsided, we did not find ourselves violently afflicted;
we planted a tree in another spot, and frequently recollected the
catastrophe of the former, repeating with a significant emphasis, an
aqueduct! an aqueduct! Till then, at intervals, I had fits of
ambition, and could fancy myself Brutus or Aristides, but this was the
first visible effect of my vanity. To have constructed an aqueduct
with our own hands, to have set a slip of willow in competition with a
flourishing tree, appeared to me a supreme degree of glory! I had a
juster conception of it at ten, than Caesar entertained at thirty.
The idea of this walnut tree, with the little anecdotes it gave rise
to, have so well continued, or returned to my memory, that the
design which conveyed the most pleasing sensations, during my
journey to Geneva, in the year 1754, was visiting Bossey, and
reviewing the monuments of my infantine amusement, above all, the
beloved walnut tree, whose age at that time must have been verging
on a third of a century, but I was so beset with company, that I could
not find a moment to accomplish my design. There is little
appearance now of the occasion being renewed; but should I ever return
to that charming spot, and find my favorite walnut tree still
existing, I am convinced I should water it with my tears.
On my return to Geneva, I passed two or three years at my uncle's,
expecting the determination of my friends respecting my future
establishment. His own son being devoted to engineering, was taught
drawing, and instructed by his father in the elements of Euclid: I
partook of these instructions, but was principally fond of drawing.
Meantime they were irresolute, whether to make me a watchmaker, a
lawyer, or a minister. I should have preferred being a minister, as
I thought it must be a charming thing to preach, but the trifling
income which had been my mother's, and was to be divided between my
brother and myself, was too inconsiderable to defray the expense
attending the prosecution of my studies. As my age did not render
the choice very pressing, I remained with my uncle, passing my time
with very little improvement, and paying pretty dear, though not
unreasonably, for my board.
My uncle, like my father, was a man of pleasure, but had not
learned, like him, to abridge his amusements for the sake of
instructing his family, consequently our education was neglected. My
aunt was a devotee, who loved singing psalms better than thinking of
our improvement, so that we were left entirely to ourselves, which
liberty we never abused.
Ever inseparable, we were all the world to each other; and,
feeling no inclination to frequent the company of a number of
disorderly lads of our own age, we learned none of those habits of
libertinism to which our idle life exposed us. Perhaps I am wrong in
charging myself and cousin with idleness at this time, for, in our
lives, we were never less so; and what was extremely fortunate, so
incessantly occupied with our amusements, that we found no
temptation to spend any part of our time in the streets. We made
cages, pipes, kites, drums, houses, ships, and bows; spoiled the tools
of my good old grandfather by endeavoring to make watches in imitation
of him; but our favorite amusement was wasting paper, in drawing,
washing, coloring, etc. There came an Italian mountebank to Geneva,
called Gamber-Corta, who had an exhibition of puppets, that he made
play a kind of comedy. We went once to see them, but could not spare
time to go again, being busily employed in making puppets of our
own, and inventing comedies, which we immediately set about making
them perform, mimicking to the best of our abilities the uncouth voice
of Punch; and, to complete the business, my good aunt and uncle
Bernard had the patience to see and listen to our imitations; but my
uncle, having one day read an elaborate discourse to his family, we
instantly gave up our comedies, and began composing sermons.
These details, I confess, are not very amusing, but they serve to
demonstrate that the former part of our education was well directed,
since being, at such an early age, the absolute masters of our time,
we found no inclination to abuse it; and so little in want of other
companions, that we constantly neglected every occasion of seeking
them. When taking our walks together, we observed their diversions
without feeling any inclination to partake of them. Friendship so
entirely occupied our hearts, that, pleased with each other's company,
the simplest pastimes were sufficient to delight us.
We were soon remarked for being thus inseparable: and what
rendered us more conspicuous, my cousin was very tall, myself
extremely short, so that we exhibited a very whimsical contrast.
This meager figure, small, sallow countenance, heavy air, and supine
gait, excited the ridicule of the children, who, in the gibberish of
the country, nicknamed him Barna Bredanna; and we no sooner got out of
doors than our ears were assailed with a repetition of "Barna
Bredanna." He bore this indignity with tolerable patience, but I was
instantly for fighting. This was what the young rogues aimed at. I
engaged accordingly, and was beat. My poor cousin did all in his power
to assist me, but he was weak, and a single stroke brought him to
the ground. I then became furious, and received several smart blows,
some of which were aimed at Barna Bredanna. This quarrel so far
increased the evil, that, to avoid their insults, we could only show
ourselves in the streets while they were employed at school.
I had already become a redresser of grievances; there only wanted
a lady in the way to be a knight-errant in form. This defect was
soon supplied; I presently had two. I frequently went to see my father
at Nion, a small city in the Vaudois country, where he was now
settled. Being universally respected, the affection entertained for
him extended to me; and, during my visits, the question seemed to
be, who should show me most kindness. A Madam de Vulson, in
particular, loaded me with caresses; and, to complete all, her
daughter made me her gallant. I need not explain what kind of
gallant a boy of eleven must be to a girl of two and twenty; the
artful hussies know how to set these puppets up in front, to conceal
more serious engagements. On my part, I saw no inequality between
myself and Miss Vulson, was flattered by the circumstance, and went
into it with my whole heart, or rather my whole head, for this passion
certainly reached no further, though it transported me almost to
madness, and frequently produced scenes sufficient to make even a
cynic expire with laughter.
I have experienced two kinds of love, equally real, which have
scarce any affinity, yet each differing materially from tender
friendship. My whole life has been divided between these affections,
and I have frequently felt the power of both at the same instant.
For example, at the very time I so publicly and tyrannically claimed
Miss Vulson, that I could not suffer any other of my sex to approach
her, I had short, but passionate, assignations with a Miss Goton,
who thought proper to act the schoolmistress with me. Our meetings,
though absolutely childish, afforded me the height of happiness. I
felt the whole charm of mystery, and repaid Miss Vulson in kind,
when she least expected it, the use she made of me in concealing her
amours. To my great mortification, this secret was soon discovered,
and I presently lost my young schoolmistress.
Miss Goton was, in fact, a singular personage. She was not handsome,
yet there was a certain something in her figure which could not easily
be forgotten, and this for an old fool, I am too often convinced of.
Her eyes, in particular, neither corresponded with her age, her
height, nor her manner; she had a lofty imposing air which agreed
extremely well with the character she assumed, but the most
extraordinary part of her composition was a mixture of forwardness and
reserve difficult to be conceived; and while she took the greatest
liberties with me, would never permit any to be taken with her in
return, treating me precisely like a child. This makes me suppose
she had either ceased herself to be one, or was yet sufficiently so to
behold us play the danger to which this folly exposed her.
I was so absolutely in the power of both these mistresses, that when
in the presence of either, I never thought of her who was absent; in
other respects, the effects they produced on me bore no affinity. I
could have passed my whole life with Miss Vulson, without forming a
wish to quit her; but then, my satisfaction was attended with a
pleasing serenity; and, in numerous companies, I was particularly
charmed with her. The sprightly sallies of her wit, the arch glance of
her eye, even jealousy itself, strengthened my attachment, and I
triumphed in the preference she seemed to bestow on me, while
addressed by more powerful rivals; applause, encouragement, and
smiles, gave animation to my happiness. Surrounded by a throng of
observers, I felt the whole force of love- I was passionate,
transported; in a tete-a-tete, I should have been constrained,
thoughtful, perhaps unhappy. If Miss Vulson was ill, I suffered with
her; would willingly have given up my own health to establish hers
(and, observe, I knew the want of it from experience); if absent,
she employed my thoughts, I felt the want of her; when present, her
caresses came with warmth and rapture to my heart, though my senses
were unaffected. The familiarities she bestowed on me I could not have
supported the idea of her granting to another; I loved her with a
brother's affection only, but experienced all the jealousy of a lover.
With Miss Goton this passion might have acquired a degree of fury; I
should have been a Turk, a tiger, had I once imagined she bestowed her
favors on any but myself. The pleasure I felt on approaching Miss
Vulson was sufficiently ardent, though unattended with uneasy
sensations; but at sight of Miss Goton, I felt myself bewildered-
every sense was absorbed in ecstasy. I believe it would have been
impossible to have remained long with her; I must have been suffocated
with the violence of my palpitations. I equally dreaded giving
either of them displeasure; with one I was more complaisant; with
the other, more submissive. I would not have offended Miss Vulson
for the world; but if Miss Goton had commanded me to throw myself into
the flames, I think I should have instantly obeyed her. Happily,
both for her and myself, our amours, or rather rendezvous, were not of
long duration: and though my connection with Miss Vulson was less
dangerous, after a continuance of some greater length, that likewise
had its catastrophe; indeed the termination of a love affair is good
for nothing, unless it partakes of the romantic, and can furnish out
at least an exclamation.
Though my correspondence with Miss Vulson was less animated, it
was perhaps more endearing; we never separated without tears, and it
can hardly be conceived what a void I felt in my heart. I could
neither think nor speak of anything but her. These romantic sorrows
were not affected, though I am inclined to believe they did not
absolutely center in her, for I am persuaded (though I did not
perceive it at that time) being deprived of amusement bore a
considerable share in them.
To soften the rigor of absence, we agreed to correspond with each
other, and the pathetic expressions these letters contained were
sufficient to have split a rock. In a word, I had the honor of her not
being able to endure the pain of separation. She came to see me at
Geneva.
My head was now completely turned; and during the two days she
remained here, I was intoxicated with delight. At her departure, I
would have thrown myself into the water after her, and absolutely rent
the air with my cries. The week following she sent me sweetmeats,
gloves, etc. This certainly would have appeared extremely gallant, had
I not been informed of her marriage at the same instant, and that
the journey I had thought proper to give myself the honor of, was only
to buy her wedding suit.
My indignation may easily be conceived; I shall not attempt to
describe it. In this heroic fury, I swore never more to see the
perfidious girl, supposing it the greatest punishment that could be
inflicted on her. This, however, did not occasion her death, for
twenty years after while on a visit to my father, being on the lake, I
asked who those ladies were in a boat not far from ours. "What!"
said my father, smiling, "does not your heart inform you? It is your
former flame, it is Madam Christin, or, if you please, Miss Vulson." I
started at the almost forgotten name, and instantly ordered the
waterman to turn off, not judging it worth while to be perjured,
however favorable the opportunity for revenge, in renewing a dispute
of twenty years past, with a woman of forty.
Thus, before my future destination was determined, did I fool away
the most precious moments of my youth. After deliberating a long
time on the bent of my natural inclination, they resolved to dispose
of me in a manner the most repugnant to them. I was sent to Mr.
Masseron, the City Register, to learn (according to the expression
of my uncle Bernard) the thriving occupation of a scraper. This
nickname was inconceivably displeasing to me, and I promised myself
but little satisfaction in the prospect of heaping up money by a
mean employment. The assiduity and subjection required completed my
disgust, and I never set foot in the office without feeling a kind
of horror, which every day gained fresh strength.
Mr. Masseron, who was not better pleased with my abilities than I
was with the employment, treated me with disdain, incessantly
upbraiding me with being a fool and blockhead, not forgetting to
repeat, that my uncle had assured him I was a knowing one, though he
could not find that I knew anything. That he had promised to furnish
him with a sprightly boy, but had, in truth, sent him an ass. To
conclude, I was turned out of the registry, with the additional
ignominy of being pronounced a fool by all Mr. Masseron's clerks,
and fit only to handle a file.
My vocation thus determined, I was bound apprentice; not, however,
to a watchmaker, but to an engraver, and I had been so completely
humiliated by the contempt of the register, that I submitted without a
murmur. My master, whose name was M. Ducommon, was a young man of a
very violent and boorish character, who contrived in a short time to
tarnish all the amiable qualities of my childhood, to stupefy a
disposition naturally sprightly, and reduce my feelings, as well as my
condition, to an absolute state of servitude. I forgot my Latin,
history, and antiquities; I could hardly recollect whether such people
as Romans ever existed. When I visited my father, he no longer
beheld his idol, nor could the ladies recognize the gallant Jean
Jacques; nay, I was so well convinced that Mr. and Miss Lambercier
would scarce receive me as their pupil, that I endeavored to avoid
their company, and from that time have never seen them. The vilest
inclinations, the basest actions, succeeded my amiable amusements, and
even obliterated the very remembrance of them. I must have had, in
spite of my good education, a great propensity to degenerate, else the
declension could not have followed with such ease and rapidity, for
never did so promising a Caesar so quickly become a Laradon.
The art itself did not displease me. I had a lively taste for
drawing. There was nothing displeasing in the exercise of the
graver; and as it required no very extraordinary abilities to attain
perfection as a watchcase engraver, I hoped to arrive at it. Perhaps I
should have accomplished my design, if unreasonable restraint, added
to the brutality of my master, had not rendered my business
disgusting. I wasted his time, and employed myself in engraving
medals, which served me and my companions as a kind of insignia for
a new invented order of chivalry, and though this differed very little
from my usual employ, I considered it as a relaxation.
Unfortunately, my master caught me at this contraband labor, and a
severe beating was the consequence. He reproached me at the same
time with attempting to make counterfeit money, because our medals
bore the arms of the Republic, though, I can truly aver, I had no
conception of false money, and very little of the true, knowing better
how to make a Roman As than one of our threepenny pieces.
My master's tyranny rendered insupportable that labor I should
otherwise have loved, and drove me to vices I naturally despised, such
as falsehood, idleness, and theft. Nothing ever gave me a clearer
demonstration of the difference between filial dependence and abject
slavery, than the remembrance of the change produced in me at that
period. Hitherto I had enjoyed a reasonable liberty; this I had
suddenly lost. I was enterprising at my father's, free at M.
Lambercier's, discreet at my uncle's; but, with my master, I became
fearful and from that moment my mind was vitiated. Accustomed to
live on terms of perfect equality, to be witness of no pleasures I
could not command, to see no dish I was not to partake of, or be
sensible of a desire I might not express; to be able to bring every
wish of my heart to my lips- what a transition!- at my master's I
was scarce allowed to speak, was forced to quit the table without
tasting what I most longed for, and the room when I had nothing
particular to do there; was incessantly confined to my work, while the
liberty my master and his journeymen enjoyed, served only to
increase the weight of my subjection. When disputes happened to arise,
though conscious that I understood the subject better than any of
them, I dared not offer my opinion; in a word, everything I saw became
an object of desire, for no other reason than because I was not
permitted to enjoy anything. Farewell gayety, ease, those happy
turns of expression, which formerly even made my faults escape
correction. I recollect, with pleasure, a circumstance that happened
at my father's, which even now makes me smile. Being for some fault
ordered to bed without my supper, as I was passing through the
kitchen, with my poor morsel of bread in my hand, I saw the meat
turning on the spit; my father and the rest were round the fire; I
must bow to every one as I passed. When I had gone through this
ceremony, leering with a wishful eye at the roast meat, which looked
so inviting, and smelt so savory, I could not abstain from making that
a bow likewise, adding in a pitiful tone, good-by, roast meat! This
unpremeditated pleasantry put them in such good humor, that I was
permitted to stay, and partake of it. Perhaps the same thing might
have produced a similar effect at my master's, but such a thought
could never have occurred to me, or, if it had, I should not have
had courage to express it.
Thus I learned to covet, dissemble, lie, and, at length, to steal, a
propensity I never felt the least idea of before, though since that
time I have never been able entirely to divest myself of it. Desire
and inability united naturally led to this vice, which is the reason
pilfering is so common among footmen and apprentices, though the
latter, as they grow up, and find themselves in a situation where
everything is at their command, lose this shameful propensity. As I
never experienced the advantage, I never enjoyed the benefit.
Good sentiments, ill directed, frequently lead children into vice.
Notwithstanding my continual wants and temptations, it was more than a
year before I could resolve to take even eatables. My first theft
was occasioned by complaisance, but it was productive of others
which had not so plausible an excuse.
My master had a journeyman named Verrat, whose mother lived in the
neighborhood, and had a garden at a considerable distance from the
house, which produced excellent asparagus. This Verrat, who had no
great plenty of money, took it in his head to rob her of the most
early production of her garden, and by the sale of it procure those
indulgences he could not otherwise afford himself; not being very
nimble, he did not care to run the hazard of a surprise. After some
preliminary flattery, which I did not comprehend the meaning of, he
proposed this expedition to me, as an idea which had that moment
struck him. At first I would not listen to the proposal; but he
persisted in his solicitation, and as I could never resist the attacks
of flattery, at length prevailed. In pursuance of this virtuous
resolution, I every morning repaired to the garden, gathered the
best of the asparagus, and took it to the Molard where some good old
women, who guessed how I came by it, wishing to diminish the price,
made no secret of their suspicions; this produced the desired
effect, for, being alarmed, I took whatever they offered, which
being taken to Mr. Verrat, was presently metamorphosed into a
breakfast, and divided with a companion of his; for, though I procured
it, I never partook of their good cheer, being fully satisfied with an
inconsiderable bribe.
I executed my roguery with the greatest fidelity, seeking only to
please my employer; and several days passed before it came into my
head to rob the robber, and tithe Mr. Verrat's harvest. I never
considered the hazard I run in these expeditions, not only of a
torrent of abuse, but what I should have been still more sensible
of, a hearty beating; for the miscreant, who received the whole
benefit, would certainly have denied all knowledge of the fact, and
I should only have received a double portion of punishment for
daring to accuse him, since being only an apprentice, I stood no
chance of being believed in opposition to a journeyman. Thus in
every situation, powerful rogues know how to save themselves at the
expense of the feeble.
This practice taught me it was not so terrible to thieve as I had
imagined; I took care to make this discovery turn to some account,
helping myself to everything within my reach, that I conceived an
inclination for. I was not absolutely ill-fed at my master's, and
temperance was only painful to me by comparing it with the luxury he
enjoyed. The custom of sending young people from table precisely
when those things are served up which seem most tempting, is
calculated to increase their longing, and induces them to steal what
they conceive to be so delicious. It may be supposed I was not
backward in this particular: in general my knavery succeeded pretty
well. though quite the reverse when I happened to be detected.
I recollect an attempt to procure some apples, which was attended
with circumstances that make me smile and shudder even at this
instant. The fruit was standing in a pantry, which by a lattice at a
considerable height received light from the kitchen. One day, being
alone in the house, I climbed up to see these precious apples,
which, being out of my reach, made this pantry appear the garden of
Hesperides. I fetched the spit- tried if it would reach them- it was
too short- I lengthened it with a small one which was used for
game,- my master being very fond of hunting, darted at them several
times without success; at length was more fortunate; being transported
to find I was bringing up an apple, I drew it gently to the lattice-
was going to seize it, when (who can express my grief and
astonishment!) I found it would not pass through- it was too large.
I tried every expedient to accomplish my design, sought supporters
to keep the spits in the same position, a knife to divide the apple,
and a lath to hold it with; at length, I so far succeeded as to effect
the division, and made no doubt of drawing the pieces through; but
it was scarcely separated (compassionate reader, sympathize with my
affliction) when both pieces fell into the pantry.
Though I lost time by this experiment, I did not lose courage,
but, dreading a surprise, I put off the attempt till next day, when
I hoped to be more successful, and returned to my work as if nothing
had happened, without once thinking of what the two obvious
witnesses I had left in the pantry deposed against me.
The next day (a fine opportunity offering) I renew the trial. I
fasten the spits together: get on the stool; take aim; am just going
to dart at my prey- unfortunately the dragon did not sleep; the pantry
door opens, my master makes his appearance, and, looking up, exclaims,
"Bravo!"- The horror of that moment returns- the pen drops from my
hand.
A continual repetition of ill treatment rendered me callous; it
seemed a kind of composition for my crimes, which authorized me to
continue them, and, instead of looking back at the punishment, I
looked forward to revenge. Being beat like a slave, I judged I had a
right to all the vices of one. I was convinced that to rob and be
punished were inseparable, and constituted, if I may so express
myself, a kind of traffic, in which, if I perform my part of the
bargain, my master would take care not to be deficient in his; that
preliminary settled, I applied myself to thieving with great
tranquility, and whenever this interrogatory occurred to my mind,
"What will be the consequence?" the reply was ready, "I know the
worst, I shall be beat; no matter, I was made for it."
I love good eating; am sensual, but not greedy; I have such a
variety of inclinations to gratify, that this can never predominate;
and unless my heart is unoccupied, which very rarely happens, I pay
but little attention to my appetite: to purloining eatables, but
extended this propensity to everything I wished to possess, and if I
did not become a robber in form, it was only because money never
tempted me.
My master had a closet in the workshop, which he kept locked; this I
contrived to open and shut as often as I pleased, and laid his best
tools, fine drawings, impressions, in a word, everything he wished
to keep from me, under contribution. These thefts were so far
innocent, that they were always employed in his service, but I was
transported at having the trifles in my possession, and imagined I
stole the art with its productions. Besides what I have mentioned, his
boxes contained threads of gold and silver, a number of small
jewels, valuable medals, and money; yet, though I seldom had five sous
in my pocket, I do not recollect ever having cast a wishful look at
them; on the contrary, I beheld these valuables rather with terror
than delight.
I am convinced the dread of taking money was, in a great measure,
the effect of education. There was mingled with the idea of it the
fear of infamy, a prison, punishment, and death: had I even felt the
temptation, these objects would have made me tremble; whereas my
failings appeared a species of waggery, and, in truth, they were
little else; they could but occasion a good trimming, and this I was
already prepared for. A sheet of fine drawing-paper was a greater
temptation than money sufficient to have purchased a ream. This
unreasonable caprice is connected with one of the most striking
singularities of my character, and has so far influenced my conduct,
that it requires a particular explanation.
My passions are extremely violent; while under their influence,
nothing can equal my impetuosity; I am an absolute stranger to
discretion, respect, fear, or decorum; rude, saucy, violent, and
intrepid: no shame can stop, no danger intimidate me. My mind is
frequently so engrossed by a single object, that beyond it the whole
world is not worth a thought; this is the enthusiasm of a moment,
the next, perhaps, I am plunged in a state of annihilation. Take me in
my moments of tranquility, I am indolence and timidity itself; a
word to speak, the least trifle to perform, appear an intolerable
labor; everything alarms and terrifies me; the very buzzing of a fly
will make me shudder: I am so subdued by fear and shame, that I
would gladly shield myself from mortal view.
When obliged to exert myself, I am ignorant what to do! when
forced to speak, I am at a loss for words; and if any one looks at me,
I am instantly out of countenance. If animated with my subject, I
express my thoughts with ease, but, in ordinary conversations, I can
say nothing- absolutely nothing; and, being obliged to speak,
renders them insupportable.
I may add, that none of my predominant inclinations center in
those pleasures which are to be purchased: money empoisons my
delights; I must have them unadulterated; I love those of the table,
for instance, but cannot endure the restraints of good company, or the
intemperance of taverns; I can enjoy them only with a friend, for
alone it is equally impossible; my imagination is then so occupied
with other things, that I find no pleasure in eating. Women who are to
be purchased have no charms for me; my beating heart cannot be
satisfied without affection; it is the same with every other
enjoyment, if not truly disinterested, they are absolutely insipid; in
a word, I am fond of those things which are only estimable to minds
formed for the peculiar enjoyment of them.
I never thought money so desirable as it is usually imagined; if you
would enjoy, you must transform it; and this transformation is
frequently attended with inconvenience: you must bargain, purchase,
pay dear, be badly served, and often duped. I buy an egg, am assured
it is new-laid- I find it stale; fruit in its utmost perfection-
'tis absolutely green; a girl, and she is tainted. I love good wine,
but where shall I get it? Not at my wine merchant's- he will certainly
poison me. I wish to be universally respected; how shall I compass
my design? I must make friends, send messages, come, go, wait, and
be frequently deceived. Money is the perpetual source of uneasiness; I
fear it more than I love good wine.
A thousand times, both during and since my apprenticeship, have I
gone out to purchase some nicety, I approach the pastry-cook's,
perceive some women at the counter, and imagine they are laughing at
me. I pass a fruit shop, see some fine pears, their appearance
tempts me; but then two or three young people are near, or a man I
am acquainted with is standing at the door; I take all that pass for
persons I have some knowledge of, and my near sight contributes to
deceive me; I am everywhere intimidated, restrained by some
obstacle, and with money in my pocket return as I went, for want of
resolution to purchase what I long for.
I should enter into the most insipid details was I to relate the
trouble, shame, repugnance, and inconvenience of all kinds which I
have experienced in parting with my money, whether in my own person,
or by the agency of others; as I proceed, the reader will get
acquainted with my disposition, and perceive all this without my
troubling him with the recital.
This once comprehended, one of my apparent contradictions will be
easily accounted for, and the most sordid avarice reconciled with
the greatest contempt of money. It is a movable which I consider of so
little value, that, when destitute of it, I never wish to acquire any;
and when I have a sum I keep it by me, for want of knowing how to
dispose of it to my satisfaction; but let an agreeable and
convenient opportunity present itself, and I empty my purse with the
utmost freedom; not that I would have the reader imagine I am
extravagant from a motive of ostentation, quite the reverse: it was
ever in subservience to my pleasures, and, instead of glorying in
expense, I endeavor to conceal it. I so well perceive that money is
not made to answer my purposes, that I am almost ashamed to have
any, and, still more, to make use of it.
Had I ever possessed a moderate independence, I am convinced I
should have had no propensity to become avaricious. I should have
required no more, and cheerfully lived up to my income; but my
precarious situation has constantly and necessarily kept me in fear. I
love liberty, and I loathe constraint, dependence, and all their
kindred annoyances. As long as my purse contains money it secures my
independence, and exempts me from the trouble of seeking other
money, a trouble of which I have always had a perfect horror; and
the dread of seeing the end of my independence, makes me
proportionately unwilling to part with my money. The money that we
possess is the instrument of liberty, that which we lack and strive to
obtain is the instrument of slavery. Thence it is that I hold fast
to aught that I have, and yet covet nothing more.
My disinterestedness, then, is in reality only idleness, the
pleasure of possessing is not in my estimation worth the trouble of
acquiring: and my dissipation is only another form of idleness; when
we have an opportunity of disbursing pleasantly we should make the
best possible use of it.
I am less tempted by money than by other objects, because between
the moment of possessing the money and that of using it to obtain
the desired object there is always an interval, however short; whereas
to possess the thing is to enjoy it. I see a thing, and it tempts
me; but if I see not the thing itself but only the means of
acquiring it, I am not tempted. Therefore it is that I have been a
pilferer, and am so even now, in the way of mere trifles to which I
take a fancy, and which I find it easier to take than to ask for;
but I never in my life recollect having taken a farthing from any one,
except about fifteen years ago, when I stole seven francs and ten
sous. The story is worth recounting, as it exhibits a concurrence of
ignorance and stupidity I should scarcely credit, did it relate to any
but myself.
It was in Paris: I was walking with M. de Franceul at the Palais
Royal: he pulled out his watch, he looked at it, and said to me,
"Suppose we go to the opera?"- "With all my heart." We go; he takes
two box tickets, gives me one, and enters himself with the other; I
follow, find the door crowded; and, looking in, see every one
standing; judging, therefore, that M. de Franceul might suppose me
concealed by the company, I go out, ask for my ticket, and, getting
the money returned, leave the house, without considering, that by then
I had reached the door every one would be seated, and M. de Franceul
might readily perceive I was not there.
As nothing could be more opposite to my natural inclination than
this abominable meanness, I note it, to show there are moments of
delirium when men ought not to be judged by their actions: this was
not stealing the money, it was only stealing the use of it, and was
the more infamous for wanting the excuse of a temptation.
I should never end these accounts, was I to describe all the
gradations through which I passed, during my apprenticeship, from
the sublimity of a hero to the baseness of a villain. Though I entered
into most of the vices of my situation, I had no relish for its
pleasures: the amusements of my companions were displeasing, and
when too much restraint had made my business wearisome, I had
nothing to amuse me. This renewed my taste for reading which had
long been neglected. I thus committed a fresh offense, books made me
neglect my work, and brought on additional punishment, while
inclination, strengthened by constraint, became an unconquerable
passion. La Tribu, a well-known librarian, furnished me with all
kinds: good or bad, I perused them with avidity, and without
discrimination.
It will be said, "at length, then, money became necessary"- true;
but this happened at a time when a taste for study had deprived me
both of resolution and activity: totally occupied by this new
inclination, I only wished to read, I robbed no longer. This is
another of my peculiarities; a mere nothing frequently calls me off
from what I appear the most attached to; I give in to the new idea; it
becomes a passion, and immediately every former desire is forgotten.
Reading was my new hobby; my heart beat with impatience to run
over the new book I carried in my pocket; the first moment I was
alone, I seized the opportunity to draw it out, and thought no
longer of rummaging my master's closet. I was even ashamed to think
I had been guilty of such meanness; and had my amusements been more
expensive, I no longer felt an inclination to continue it. La Tribu
gave me credit, and when once I had the book in my possession, I
thought no more of the trifle I was to pay for it; as money came it
naturally passed to this woman; and when she chanced to be pressing,
nothing was so conveniently at hand as my own effects; to steal in
advance required foresight, and robbing to pay was no temptation.
The frequent blows I received from my master, with my private and
ill-chosen studies, rendered me reserved, unsociable, and almost
deranged my reason. Though my taste had not preserved me from silly
unmeaning books, by good fortune I was a stranger to licentious or
obscene ones: not that La Tribu (who was very accommodating) made
any scruple of lending these, on the contrary, to enhance their worth,
she spoke of them with an air of mystery; this produced an effect
she had not foreseen, for both shame and disgust made me constantly
refuse them. Chance so well seconded my bashful disposition, that I
was past the age of thirty before I saw any of those dangerous
compositions.
In less than a year I had exhausted La Tribu's scanty library, and
was unhappy for want of further amusement. My reading, though
frequently bad, had worn off my childish follies, and brought back
my heart to nobler sentiments than my condition had inspired;
meantime, disgusted with all within my reach, and thinking
everything charming that was out of it, my present situation
appeared extremely miserable. My passions began to acquire strength, I
felt their influence, without knowing whither they would conduct me. I
was as far removed from actual enjoyment as if sexless. Sometimes I
thought of former follies, but sought no further.
At this time my imagination took a turn which helped to calm my
increasing emotions; it was, to contemplate those situations in the
books I had read, which produced the most striking effect on my
mind; to recall, combine, and apply them to myself in such a manner,
as to become one of the personages my recollection presented, and be
continually in those fancied circumstances which were most agreeable
to my inclinations; in a word, by contriving to place myself in
these fictitious situations, the idea of my real one was in a great
measure obliterated.
This fondness for imaginary objects, and the facility with which I
could gain possession of them, completed my disgust for everything
around me, and fixed that inclination for solitude which has ever
since been predominant. We shall have more than once occasion to
remark the effects of a disposition, misanthropic and melancholy in
appearance, but which proceed, in fact, from a heart too affectionate,
too ardent, which, for want of similar dispositions, is constrained to
content itself with nonentities, and be satisfied with fiction. It
is sufficient, at present, to have traced the origin of a propensity
which has modified my passions, set bounds to each, and by giving
too much ardor to my wishes, has ever rendered me too indolent to
obtain them.
Thus I attained my sixteenth year, uneasy, discontented with
myself and everything that surrounded me; displeased with my
occupation, without enjoying the pleasures common to my age, weeping
without a cause, sighing I knew not why, and fond of my chimerical
ideas for want of more valuable realities.
Every Sunday, after sermon-time, my companions came to fetch me out,
wishing me to partake of their diversions. I would willingly have been
excused, but when once engaged in amusement, I was more animated and
enterprising than any of them; it was equally difficult to engage or
restrain me: indeed, this was ever a leading trait in my character. In
our country walks I was ever foremost, and never thought of
returning till reminded by some of my companions. I was twice
obliged to be from my master's the whole night, the city gates
having been shut before I could reach them. The reader may imagine
what treatment this procured me the following mornings; but I was
promised such a reception for the third, that I made a firm resolution
never to expose myself to the danger of it. Notwithstanding my
determination, I repeated this dreaded transgression, my vigilance
having been rendered useless by a cursed captain, named M. Minutoli,
who, when on guard, always shut the gate he had charge of an hour
before the usual time. I was returning home with my two companions,
and had got within half a league of the city, when I heard them beat
the tattoo; I redouble my pace, I run with my utmost speed, I approach
the bridge, see the soldiers already at their posts I call out to them
in a suffocated voice- it is too late; I am twenty paces from the
guard, the first bridge is already drawn up, and I tremble to see
those terrible horns advanced in the air which announce the fatal
and inevitable destiny, which from this moment began to pursue me.
I threw myself on the glacis in a transport of despair, while my
companions, who only laughed at the accident, immediately determined
what to do. My resolution, though different from theirs, was equally
sudden: on the spot, I swore never to return to my master's, and the
next morning, when my companions entered the city, I bade them an
eternal adieu, conjuring them at the same time to inform my cousin
Bernard of my resolution, and the place where he might see me for
the last time.
From the commencement of my apprenticeship I had seldom seen him; at
first, indeed, we saw each other on Sundays, but each acquiring
different habits, our meetings were less frequent. I am persuaded
his mother contributed greatly towards this change; he was to consider
himself as a person of consequence, I was a pitiful apprentice;
notwithstanding our relationship, equality no longer subsisted between
us, and it was degrading himself to frequent my company. As he had a
natural good heart his mother's lessons did not take an immediate
effect, and for some time he continued to visit me.
Having learned my resolution, he hastened to the spot I had
appointed, not, however, to dissuade me from it, but to render my
flight agreeable, by some trifling presents, as my own resources would
not have carried me far. He gave me, among other things, a small
sword, which I was very proud of, and took with me as far as Turin,
where absolute want constrained me to dispose of it. The more I
reflect on his behavior at this critical moment, the more I am
persuaded he followed the instructions of his mother, and perhaps
his father likewise; for, had he been left to his own feelings, he
would have endeavored to retain, or have been tempted to accompany me;
on the contrary, he encouraged the design, and when he saw me
resolutely determined to pursue it, without seeming much affected,
left me to my fate. We never saw or wrote to each other from that
time: I cannot but regret this loss, for his heart was essentially
good, and we seemed formed for a more lasting friendship.
Before I abandon myself to the fatality of my destiny, let me
contemplate for a moment the prospect that awaited me had I fallen
into the hands of a better master. Nothing could have been more
agreeable to my disposition, or more likely to confer happiness,
than the peaceful condition of a good artificer, in so respectable a
line as engravers are considered at Geneva. I could have obtained an
easy subsistence, if not a fortune; this would have bounded my
ambition; I should have had means to indulge in moderate pleasures,
and should have continued in my natural sphere, without meeting with
any temptation to go beyond it. Having an imagination sufficiently
fertile to embellish with its chimeras every situation, and powerful
enough to transport me from one to another, it was immaterial in which
I was fixed; that was best adapted to me, which, requiring the least
care or exertion, left the mind most at liberty; and this happiness
I should have enjoyed. In my native country, in the bosom of my
religion, family, and friends, I should have passed a calm and
peaceful life in the uniformity of a pleasing occupation, and among
connections dear to my heart. I should have been a good Christian, a
good citizen, a good friend, a good man. I should have relished my
condition, perhaps have been an honor to it, and after having passed a
life of happy obscurity, surrounded by my family, I should have died
at peace. Soon it may be forgotten, but while remembered it would have
been with tenderness and regret.
Instead of this- what a picture am I about to draw!- Alas! why
should I anticipate the miseries I have endured? The reader will
have but too much of the melancholy subject.
BOOK II
[1728-1731]
HOWEVER mournful the moment which suggested flight, it did not
seem more terrible than that wherein I put my design in execution
appeared delightful. To leave my relations, my resources, while yet
a child, in the midst of my apprenticeship, before I had learned
enough of my business to obtain a subsistence; to run on inevitable
misery and danger: to expose myself in that age of weakness and
innocence to all the temptations of vice and despair; to set out in
search of errors, misfortunes, snares, slavery, and death; to endure
more intolerable evils than those I meant to shun, was the picture I
should have drawn, the natural consequence of my hazardous enterprise.
How different was the idea I entertained of it!- The independence I
seemed to possess was the sole object of my contemplation; having
obtained my liberty, I thought everything attainable: I entered with
confidence on the vast theater of the world, which my merit was to
captivate: at every step I expected to find amusements, treasures, and
adventures: friends ready to serve, and mistresses eager to please me;
I had but to show myself, and the whole universe would be interested
in my concerns; not but I could have been content with something less;
a charming society, with sufficient means, might have satisfied me. My
moderation was such, that the sphere in which I proposed to shine
was rather circumscribed, but then it was to possess the very
quintessence of enjoyment, and myself the principal object. A single
castle, for instance, might have bounded my ambition; could I have
been the favorite of the lord and lady, the daughter's lover, the
son's friend, and protector of the neighbors, I might have been
tolerably content, and sought no further.
In expectation of this modest fortune, I passed a few days in the
environs of the city, with some country people of my acquaintance, who
received me with more kindness than I should have met with in town;
they welcomed, lodged, and fed me cheerfully; I could not be said to
live on charity, these favors were not conferred with a sufficient
appearance of superiority to furnish out the idea.
I rambled about in this manner till I got to Confignon, in Savoy, at
about two leagues distance from Geneva. The vicar was called M. de
Pontverre: this name, so famous in the history of the Republic, caught
my attention; I was curious to see what appearance the descendants
of the gentlemen of the spoon exhibited: I went, therefore, to visit
this M. de Pontverre, and was received with great civility.
He spoke of the heresy of Geneva, declaimed on the authority of holy
mother church, and then invited me to dinner. I had little to object
to arguments which had so desirable a conclusion, and was inclined
to believe that priests, who gave such excellent dinners, might be
as good as our ministers. Notwithstanding M. de Pontverre's
pedigree, I certainly possessed most learning; but I rather sought
to be a good companion than an expert theologian; and his Frangi wine,
which I thought delicious, argued so powerfully on his side, that I
should have blushed at silencing so kind a host; I, therefore, yielded
him the victory, or rather declined the contest. Any one who had
observed my precaution, would certainly have pronounced me a
dissembler, though, in fact, I was only courteous.
Flattery, or rather condescension, is not always a vice in young
people; 'tis oftener a virtue. When treated with kindness, it is
natural to feel an attachment for the person who confers the
obligation: we do not acquiesce because we wish to deceive, but from
dread of giving uneasiness, or because we wish to avoid the
ingratitude of rendering evil for good. What interest had M. de
Pontverre in entertaining, treating with respect, and endeavoring to
convince me? None but mine; my young heart told me this, and I was
penetrated with gratitude and respect for the generous priest; I was
sensible of my superiority, but scorned to repay his hospitality by
taking advantage of it. I had no conception of hypocrisy in this
forbearance, or thought of changing my religion, nay, so far was the
idea from being familiar to me, that I looked on it with a degree of
horror which seemed to exclude the possibility of such an event; I
only wished to avoid giving offense to those I was sensible caressed
me from that motive; I wished to cultivate their good opinion, and
meantime leave them the hope of success by seeming less on my guard
than I really was. My conduct in this particular resembled the
coquetry of some very honest women, who, to obtain their wishes,
without permitting or promising anything, sometimes encourage hopes
they never mean to realize.
Reason, piety, and love of order, certainly demanded that instead of
being encouraged in my folly, I should have been dissuaded from the
ruin I was courting, and sent back to my family; and this conduct
any one that was actuated by genuine virtue would have pursued; but it
should be observed that though M. de Pontverre was a religious man, he
was not a virtuous one, but a bigot, who knew no virtue except
worshiping images and telling his beads; in a word, a kind of
missionary, who thought the height of merit consisted in writing
libels against the ministers of Geneva. Far from wishing to send me
back, he endeavored to favor my escape, and put it out of my power
to return even had I been so disposed. It was a thousand to one but he
was sending me to perish with hunger, or become a villain; but all
this was foreign to his purpose; he saw a soul snatched from heresy,
and restored to the bosom of the church: whether I was an honest man
or a knave was very immaterial, provided I went to mass.
This ridiculous mode of thinking is not peculiar to Catholics, it is
the voice of every dogmatical persuasion where merit consists in
belief, and not in virtue.
"You are called by the Almighty," said M. de Pontverre; "go to
Annecy, where you will find a good and charitable lady, whom the
bounty of the king enables to turn souls from those errors she has
haply renounced." He spoke of a Madam de Warrens, a new convert, to
whom the priests contrived to send those wretches who were disposed to
sell their faith, and with these she was in a manner constrained to
share a pension of two thousand francs bestowed on her by the King
of Sardinia. I felt myself extremely humiliated at being supposed to
want the assistance of a good and charitable lady. I had no
objection to be accommodated with everything I stood in need of, but
did not wish to receive it on the footing of charity, and to owe
this obligation to a devotee was still worse: notwithstanding my
scruples the persuasions of M. de Pontverre, the dread of perishing
with hunger, the pleasures I promised myself from the journey, and
hope of obtaining some desirable situation, determined me; and I set
out, though reluctantly, for Annecy. I could easily have reached it in
a day, but being in no great haste to arrive there, it took me
three. My head was filled with the idea of adventures, and I
approached every country-seat I saw in my way, in expectation of
having them realized. I had too much timidity to knock at the doors,
or even enter if I saw them open, but I did what I dared- which was to
sing under those windows that I thought had the most favorable
appearance; and was very much disconcerted to find I wasted my
breath to no purpose, and that neither young nor old ladies were
attracted by the melody of my voice, or the wit of my poetry, though
some songs my companions had taught me I thought excellent, and that I
sung them incomparably. At length I arrived at Annecy, and saw Madam
de Warrens.
As this period of my life, in a great measure, determined my
character, I could not resolve to pass it lightly over. I was in the
middle of my sixteenth year, and though I could not be called
handsome, was well made for my height; I had a good foot, a well
turned leg, and animated countenance; a well proportioned mouth, black
hair and eyebrows, and my eyes, though small and rather too far in
my head, sparkling with vivacity, darted that innate fire which
inflamed my blood; unfortunately for me, I knew nothing of all this,
never having bestowed a single thought on my person till it was too
late to be of any service to me. The timidity common to my age was
heightened by a natural benevolence, which made me dread the idea of
giving pain. Though my mind had received some cultivation, having seen
nothing of the world, I was an absolute stranger to polite address,
and my mental acquisitions, so far from supplying this defect, only
served to increase my embarrassment, by making me sensible of every
deficiency.
Depending little, therefore, on external appearances, I had recourse
to other expedients: I wrote a most elaborate letter, where,
mingling all the flowers of rhetoric which I had borrowed from books
with the phrases of an apprentice, I endeavored to strike the
attention, and insure the good will of Madam de Warrens. I enclosed M.
de Pontverre's letter in my own, and waited on the lady with a heart
palpitating with fear and expectation. It was Palm Sunday, of the year
1728; I was informed she was that moment gone to church: I hasten
after her, overtake, and speak to her.- The place is yet fresh in my
memory- how can it be otherwise? often have I moistened it with my
tears and covered it with kisses.- Why cannot I enclose with gold
the happy spot, and render it the object of universal veneration?
Whoever wishes to honor monuments of human salvation would only
approach it on their knees.
It was a passage at the back of the house, bordered on the right
hand by a little rivulet, which separated it from the garden, and,
on the right, by the courtyard wall; at the end was a private door,
which opened into the church of the Cordeliers. Madam de Warrens was
just passing this door; but, on hearing my voice, instantly turned
about. What an effect did the sight of her produce! I expected to
see a devout, forbidding old woman; M. de Pontverre's pious and worthy
lady could be no other in my conception: instead of which, I see a
face beaming with charms, fine blue eyes full of sweetness, a
complexion whose whiteness dazzled the sight, the form of an
enchanting neck, nothing escaped the eager eye of the young proselyte;
for that instant I was hers!- a religion preached by such missionaries
must lead to paradise!
My letter was presented with a trembling hand; she took it with a
smile- opened it, glanced an eye over M. de Pontverre's and again
returned to mine, which she read through, and would have read again,
had not her footman that instant informed her that service was
beginning- "Child," said she, in a tone of voice which made every
nerve vibrate, "you are wandering about at an early age- it is
really a pity!"- and, without waiting for an answer, added- "Go to
my house, bid them give you something for breakfast, after mass I will
speak to you."
Louisa-Eleanora de Warrens was of the noble and ancient family of La
Tour de Pit, of Vevay, a city in the country of the Vaudois. She was
married very young to a M. de Warrens, of the house of Loys, eldest
son of M. de Villardin, of Lausanne: there were no children by this
marriage, which was far from being a happy one. Some domestic
uneasiness made Madam de Warrens take the resolution of crossing the
Lake, and throwing herself at the feet of Victor Amadeus, who was then
at Evian; thus abandoning her husband, family, and country by a
giddiness similar to mine, which precipitation she, too, has found
sufficient time and reason to lament.
The king, who was fond of appearing a zealous promoter of the
Catholic faith, took her under his protection, and complimented her
with a pension of fifteen hundred livres of Piedmont, which was a
considerable appointment for a prince who never had the character of
being generous; but finding his liberality made some conjecture he had
an affection for the lady, he sent her to Annecy, escorted by a
detachment of his guards, where, under the direction of Michael
Gabriel de Bernex, titular Bishop of Geneva, she abjured her former
religion at the Convent of the Visitation.
I came to Annecy just six years after this event; Madam de Warrens
was then eight-and-twenty, being born with the century. Her beauty,
consisting more in the expressive animation of the countenance than
a set of features, was in its meridian; her manner, soothing and
tender; an angelic smile played about her mouth, which was small and
delicate; she wore her hair (which was of an ash color, and uncommonly
beautiful) with an air of negligence that made her appear still more
interesting; she was short, and rather thick for her height, though by
no means disagreeably so; but there could not be a more lovely face, a
finer neck, or hands and arms more exquisitely formed.
Her education had been derived from such a variety of sources,
that it formed an extraordinary assemblage. Like me, she had lost
her mother at her birth, and had received instruction as it chanced to
present itself: she had learned something of her governess,
something of her father, a little of her masters, but copiously from
her lovers; particularly a M. de Tavel, who, possessing both taste and
information, endeavored to adorn with them the mind of her he loved.
These various instructions, not being properly arranged, tended to
impede each other, and she did not acquire that degree of
improvement her natural good sense was capable of receiving; she
knew something of philosophy and physic, but not enough to eradicate
the fondness she had imbibed from her father for empiricism and
alchemy; she made elixirs, tinctures, balsams, pretended to secrets,
and prepared magestry; while quacks and pretenders, profiting by her
weakness, destroyed her property among furnaces, and minerals,
diminishing those charms and accomplishments which might have been the
delight of the most elegant circles.
But though these interested wretches took advantage of her
ill-applied education to obscure her good sense, her excellent heart
retained its her amiable mildness, sensibility for the unfortunate,
inexhaustible bounty, and open, cheerful frankness, knew no variation;
even at the approach of old age, when attacked by various
calamities, rendered more cutting by indigence, the serenity of her
disposition preserved to the end of her life the pleasing gayety of
her happiest days.
Her errors proceeded from an inexhaustible fund of activity, which
demanded perpetual employment. She found no satisfaction in the
customary intrigues of her sex, but, being formed for vast designs,
sought the direction of important enterprises and discoveries. In
her place Madam de Longueville would have been a mere trifler, in
Madam de Longueville's situation she would have governed the state.
Her talents did not accord with her fortune; what would have gained
her distinction in a more elevated sphere, became her ruin. In
enterprises which suited her disposition, she arranged the plan in her
imagination, which was ever carried to its utmost extent, and the
means she employed being proportioned rather to her ideas than
abilities, she failed by the mismanagement of those on whom she
depended, and was ruined where another would scarce have been a loser.
This active disposition, which involved her in so many difficulties,
was at least productive of one benefit as it prevented her from
passing the remainder of her life in the monastic asylum she had
chosen, which she had some thought of. The simple and uniform life
of a nun, and the little cabals and gossipings of their parlor, were
not adapted to a mind vigorous and active, which, every day forming
new systems, had occasion for liberty to attempt their completion.
The good Bishop of Bernex, with less wit than Francis of Sales,
resembled him in many particulars, and Madam de Warrens, whom he loved
to call his daughter, and who was like Madam de Chantel in several
respects, might have increased the resemblance by retiring like her
from the world, had she not been disgusted with the idle trifling of a
convent. It was not want of zeal prevented this amiable woman from
giving those proofs of devotion which might have been expected from
a new convert, under the immediate direction of a prelate. Whatever
might have influenced her to change her religion, she was certainly
sincere in that she had embraced; she might find sufficient occasion
to repent having abjured her former faith, but no inclination to
return to it. She not only died a good Catholic, but truly lived
one; nay, I dare affirm (and I think I have had the opportunity to
read the secrets of her heart) that it was only her aversion to
singularity that prevented her acting the devotee in public; in a
word, her piety was too sincere to give way to any affectation of
it. But this is not the place to enlarge on her principles; I shall
find other occasions to speak of them.
Let those who deny the existence of a sympathy of souls, explain, if
they know how, why the first glance, the first word of Madam de
Warrens inspired me, not only with a lively attachment, but with the
most unbounded confidence, which has since known no abatement. Say
this was love (which will at least appear doubtful to those who read
the sequel of our attachment) how could this passion be attended
with sentiments which scarce ever accompany its commencement, such
as peace, serenity, security, and confidence. How, when making
application to an amiable and polished woman, whose situation in
life was so superior to mine, so far above any I had yet approached,
on whom, in a great measure, depended my future fortune, by the degree
of interest she might take in it; how, I say, with so many reasons
to depress me, did I feel myself as free, as much at my ease, as if
I had been perfectly secure of pleasing her! Why did I not
experience a moment of embarrassment, timidity, or restraint?
Naturally bashful, easily confused, having seen nothing of the
world, could I, the first time, the first moment I beheld her, adopt
caressing language, and a familiar tone, as readily as after ten
years' intimacy had rendered these freedoms natural? Is it possible to
possess love, I will not say without desires, for I certainly had
them, but without inquietude, without jealousy? Can we avoid feeling
an anxious wish at least, to know whether our affection is returned?
Yet such a question never entered my imagination: I should as soon
have inquired, do I love myself; nor did she ever express a greater
degree of curiosity; there was, certainly, something extraordinary
in my attachment to this charming woman, and it will be found in the
sequel, that some extravagances, which cannot be foreseen, attended
it.
What could be done for me, was the present question, and in order to
discuss the point with greater freedom, she made me dine with her.
This was the first meal in my life where I had experienced a want of
appetite, and her woman, who waited, observed it was the first time
she had seen a traveler of my age and appearance deficient in that
particular: this remark, which did me no injury in the opinion of
her mistress, fell hard on an overgrown clown, who was my fellow
guest, and devoured sufficient to have served at least six moderate
feeders. For me, I was too much charmed to think of eating; my heart
began to imbibe a delicious sensation, which engrossed my whole being,
and left no room for other objects.
Madam de Warrens wished to hear the particulars of my little
history- all the vivacity I had lost during my servitude returned
and assisted the recital. In proportion to the interest this excellent
woman took in my story, did she lament the fate to which I had exposed
myself; compassion was painted on her features, and expressed by every
action. She could not exhort me to return to Geneva, being too well
aware that her words and actions were strictly scrutinized, and that
such advice would be thought high treason against Catholicism, but she
spoke so feelingly of the affliction I must give my father, that it
was easy to perceive she would have approved my returning to console
him. Alas! she little thought how powerfully this pleaded against
herself; the more eloquently persuasive she appeared, the less could I
resolve to tear myself from her. I knew that returning to Geneva would
be putting an insuperable barrier between us, unless I repeated the
expedient which had brought me here, and it was certainly better to
preserve than expose myself to the danger of a relapse; besides all
this, my conduct was predetermined, I was resolved not to return.
Madam de Warrens, seeing her endeavors would be fruitless, became less
explicit, and only added, with an air of commiseration, "Poor child!
thou must go where Providence directs thee, but one day thou wilt
think of me."- I believe she had no conception at that time how
fatally her prediction would be verified.
The difficulty still remained how I was to gain a subsistence? I
have already observed that I knew too little of engraving for that
to furnish my resource, and had I been more expert, Savoy was too poor
a country to give much encouragement to the arts. The
above-mentioned glutton, who ate for us as well as himself, being
obliged to pause in order to gain some relaxation from the fatigue
of it, imparted a piece of advice, which, according to him, came
express from Heaven: though to judge by its effects it appeared to
have been dictated from a direct contrary quarter: this was that I
should go to Turin, where, in a hospital instituted for the
instruction of catechumens, I should find food, both spiritual and
temporal, be reconciled to the bosom of the church, and meet with some
charitable Christians, who would make it a point to procure me a
situation that would turn to my advantage. "In regard to the
expenses of the journey," continued our adviser, "his grace, my lord
bishop, will not be backward, when once madam has proposed this holy
work, to offer his charitable donation, and madam the baroness,
whose charity is so well known," once more addressing himself to the
continuation of his meal, "will certainly contribute."
I was by no means pleased with all these charities; I said
nothing, but my heart was ready to burst with vexation. Madam de
Warrens, who did not seem to think so highly of this expedient as
the projector pretended to do, contented herself by saying, every
one should endeavor to promote good actions, and that she would
mention it to his lordship; but the meddling devil, who had some
private interest in this affair, and questioned whether she would urge
it to his satisfaction, took care to acquaint the almoners with my
story, and so far influenced those good priests, that when Madam de
Warrens, who disliked the journey on my account, mentioned it to the
bishop, she found it so far concluded on, that he immediately put into
her hands the money designed for my little viaticum. She dared not
advance anything against it; I was approaching an age when a woman
like her could not, with any propriety, appear anxious to retain me.
My departure being thus determined by those who undertook the
management of my concerns, I had only to submit; and I did it
without much repugnance. Though Turin was at a greater distance from
Madam de Warrens' than Geneva, yet being the capital of the country
I was now in, it seemed to have more connection with Annecy than a
city under a different government and of a contrary religion; besides,
as I undertook this journey in obedience to her, I considered myself
as living under her direction, which was more flattering than barely
to continue in the neighborhood; to sum up all, the idea of a long
journey coincided with my insurmountable passion for rambling, which
already began to demonstrate itself. To pass the mountains, to my
eye appeared delightful; how charming the reflection of elevating
myself above my companions by the whole height of the Alps! To see the
world is an almost irresistible temptation to a Genevan, accordingly I
gave my consent.
He who suggested the journey was to set off in two days with his
wife. I was recommended to their care; they were likewise made my
purse-bearers, which had been augmented by Madam de Warrens, who,
not contented with these kindnesses, added secretly a pecuniary
reinforcement, attended with the most ample instructions, and we
departed on the Wednesday before Easter.
The day following, my father arrived at Annecy, accompanied by his
friend, a Mr. Rival, who was likewise a watchmaker; he was a man of
sense and letters, who wrote better verses than La Motte, and spoke
almost as well; what is still more to his praise, he was a man of
the strictest integrity, but whose taste for literature only served to
make one of his sons a comedian. Having traced me to the house of
Madam de Warrens, they contented themselves with lamenting, like
her, my fate, instead of overtaking me, which (as they were on
horseback and I on foot) they might have accomplished with the
greatest ease.
My uncle Bernard did the same thing, he arrived at Consignon,
received information that I was gone to Annecy, and immediately
returned back to Geneva thus my nearest relations seemed to have
conspired with my adverse stars to consign me to misery and ruin. By a
similar negligence, my brother was so entirely lost, that it was never
known what was become of him.
My father was not only a man of honor but of the strictest
probity, and endued with that magnanimity which frequently produces
the most shining virtues: I may add, he was a good father,
particularly to me whom he tenderly loved; but he likewise loved his
pleasures, and since we had been separated other connections had
weakened his paternal affection. He had married again at Nion, and
though his second wife was too old to expect children, she had
relations; my father was united to another family, surrounded by other
objects, and a variety of cares prevented my returning to his
remembrance. He was in the decline of life and had nothing to
support the inconveniences of old age; my mother's property devolved
to me and my brother, but, during our absence, the interest of it
was enjoyed by my father: I do not mean to infer that this
consideration had an immediate effect on his conduct, but it had an
imperceptible one, and prevented him making use of that exertion to
regain me which he would otherwise have employed; and this, I think,
was the reason that having traced me as far as Annecy, he stopped
short, without proceeding to Chambery, where he was almost certain I
should be found; and likewise accounts why, on visiting him several
times since my flight, he always received me with great kindness,
but never made any efforts to retain me.
This conduct in a father, whose affection and virtue I was so well
convinced of, has given birth to reflections on the regulation of my
own conduct, which have greatly contributed to preserve the
integrity of my heart. It has taught me this great lesson of morality,
perhaps the only one that can have any conspicuous influence on our
actions, that we should ever carefully avoid putting our interest in
competition with our duty, or promise ourselves felicity from the
misfortunes of others; certain that in such circumstances, however
sincere our love of virtue may be, sooner or later it will give way,
and we shall imperceptibly become unjust and wicked, in fact,
however upright in our intentions.
This maxim, strongly imprinted on my mind, and reduced, though
rather too late, to practice, has given my conduct an appearance of
folly and whimsicality, not only in public, but still more among my
acquaintances: it has been said, I affected originality, and sought to
act different from other people; the truth is, I neither endeavor to
conform or be singular, I desired only to act virtuously and avoid
situations, which, by setting my interest in opposition to that of
another person's, might inspire me with a secret, though
involuntary, wish to his disadvantage.
Two years ago, My Lord Marshal would have put my name in his will,
which I took every method to prevent, assuring him I would not for the
world know myself in the will of any one, much less in his; he gave up
the idea; but insisted, in return, that I should accept an annuity
on his life; this I consented to. It will be said, I find my account
in the alteration; perhaps I may: but oh, my benefactor! my father,
I am now sensible that, should I have the misfortune to survive
thee, I should have everything to lose, nothing to gain.
This, in my idea, is true philosophy, the surest bulwark of human
rectitude; every day do I receive fresh conviction of its profound
solidity. I have endeavored to recommend it in all my latter writings,
but the multitude read too superficially to have made the remark. If I
survive my present undertaking, and am able to begin another, I
mean, in a continuation of Emilius, to give such a lively and
marking example of this maxim as cannot fail to strike attention.
But I have made reflections enough for a traveler, it is time to
continue my journey.
It turned out more agreeable than I expected: my clownish
conductor was not so morose as he appeared to be. He was a middle-aged
man, wore his black, grizzly hair, in a queue, had a martial air, a
strong voice, was tolerably cheerful, and to make up for not having
been taught any trade, could turn his hand to every one. Having
proposed to establish some kind of manufactory at Annecy, he had
consulted Madam de Warrens, who immediately gave in to the project,
and he was now going to Turin to lay the plan before the minister
and get his approbation, for which journey he took care to be well
rewarded.
This drole had the art of ingratiating himself with the priests,
whom he ever appeared eager to serve; he adopted a certain jargon
which he had learned by frequenting their company, and thought himself
a notable preacher; he could even repeat one passage from the Bible in
Latin, and it answered his purpose as well as if, he had known a
thousand, for he repeated it a thousand times a day. He was seldom
at a loss for money when he knew what purse contained it; yet, was
rather artful than knavish, and when dealing out in an affected tone
his unmeaning discourses, resembled Peter the Hermit, preaching up the
crusade with a saber by his side.
Madam Sabran, his wife, was a tolerable good sort of woman; more
peaceable by day than by night; as I slept in the same chamber I was
frequently disturbed by her wakefulness, and should have been more
so had I comprehended the cause of it, but in this matter I was so
stupid that nature alone could further instruct me.
I went on gayly with my pious guide and his hopeful companion, no
sinister accident impeding our journey. I was in the happiest
circumstances both of mind and body that I ever recollect having
experienced; young, full of health and security, placing unbounded
confidence in myself and others; in that short but charming moment
of human life, whose expansive energy carries, if I may so express
myself, our being to the utmost extent of our sensations, embellishing
all nature with an inexpressible charm, flowing from the conscious and
rising enjoyment of our existence.
My pleasing inquietudes became less wandering: I had now an object
on which imagination could fix. I looked on myself as the work, the
pupil, the friend, almost the lover of Madam de Warrens; the
obliging things she had said, the caresses she had bestowed on me; the
tender interest she seemed to take in everything that concerned me;
those charming looks, which seemed replete with love, because they
so powerfully inspired it, every consideration flattered my ideas
during this journey, and furnished the most delicious reveries, which,
no doubt, no fear of my future condition arose to embitter. In sending
me to Turin, I thought they engaged to find me an agreeable
subsistence there; thus eased of every care I passed lightly on, while
young desires, enchanting hopes, and brilliant prospects employed my
mind; each object that presented itself seemed to insure my
approaching felicity. I imagined that every house was filled with
joyous festivity, the meadows resounded with sports and revelry, the
rivers offered refreshing baths, delicious fish wantoned in their
streams, and how delightful was it to ramble along the flowery
banks! The trees were loaded with the choicest fruits, while their
shade afforded the most charming and voluptuous retreats to happy
lovers; the mountains abounded with milk and cream, peace and leisure,
simplicity and joy, mingled with the charm of going I knew not
whither, and everything I saw carried to my heart some new cause for
rapture. The grandeur, variety, and real beauty of the scene, in
some measure rendered the charm reasonable, in which vanity came in
for its share; to go so young to Italy, view such an extent of
country, and pursue the route of Hannibal over the Alps, appeared a
glory beyond my age; add to all this our frequent and agreeable halts,
with a good appetite and plenty to satisfy it; for in truth it was not
worth while to be sparing; at M. Sabran's table what I eat could
scarce be missed.
In the whole course of my life I cannot recollect an interval more
perfectly exempt from care, than the seven or eight days I was passing
from Annecy to Turin. As we were obliged to walk Madam Sabran's
pace, it rather appeared an agreeable jaunt than a fatiguing
journey; there still remains the most pleasing impressions of it on my
mind, and the idea of a pedestrian excursion, particularly among the
mountains, has from this time seemed delightful.
It was only in my happiest days that I traveled on foot, and ever
with the most unbounded satisfaction; afterwards, occupied with
business and encumbered with baggage, I was forced to act the
gentleman and employ a carriage, where care, embarrassment, and
restraint, were sure to be my companions, and instead of being
delighted with the journey, I only wished to arrive at the place of
destination.
I was a long time at Paris, wishing to meet with two companions of
similar dispositions, who would each agree to appropriate fifty
guineas of his property and a year of his time to making the tour of
Italy on foot, with no other attendance than a young fellow to carry
our necessaries I have met with many who seemed enchanted with the
project, but considered it only as a visionary scheme, which served
well enough to talk of, without any design of putting it in execution.
One day, speaking with enthusiasm of this project to Diderot and
Grimm, they gave in to the proposal with such warmth that I thought
the matter concluded on; but it only turned out a journey on paper, in
which Grimm thought nothing so pleasing as making Diderot commit a
number of impieties, and shutting me up in the Inquisition for them,
instead of him.
My regret at arriving so soon at Turin was compensated by the
pleasure of viewing a large city, and the hope of figuring there in
a conspicuous character, for my brain already began to be
intoxicated with the fumes of ambition; my present situation
appeared infinitely above that of an apprentice, and I was far from
foreseeing how soon I should be much below it.
Before I proceed, I ought to offer an excuse, or justification to
the reader, for the great number of unentertaining particulars I am
necessitated to repeat. In pursuance of the resolution I have formed
to enter on this public exhibition of myself, it is necessary that
nothing should bear the appearance of obscurity or concealment. I
should be continually under the eye of the reader, he should be
enabled to follow me in all the wanderings of my heart, through
every intricacy of my adventures; he must find no void or chasm in
my relation, nor lose sight of me in an instant, lest he should find
occasion to say, what was he doing at this time; and suspect me of not
having dared to reveal the whole: I give sufficient scope to malignity
in what I say; it is unnecessary I should furnish still more by my
silence.
My money was all gone, even that I had secretly received from
Madam de Warrens: I had been so indiscreet as to divulge this
secret, and my conductors had taken care to profit by it. Madam Sabran
found means to deprive me of everything I had, even to a ribbon
embroidered with silver, with which Madam de Warrens had adorned the
hilt of my sword; this I regretted more than all the rest; indeed
the sword itself would have gone the same way, had I been less
obstinately bent on retaining it. They had, it is true, supported me
during the journey, but left me nothing at the end of it, and I
arrived at Turin without money, clothes, or linen, being precisely
in the situation to owe to my merit alone the whole honor of that
fortune I was about to acquire.
I took care in the first place to deliver the letters I was
charged with, and was presently conducted to the hospital of the
catechumens, to be instructed in that religion, for which, in
return, I was to receive subsistence. On entering, I passed an
iron-barred gate, which was immediately double-locked on me; this
beginning was by no means calculated to give me a favorable opinion of
my situation. I was then conducted to a large apartment, whose
furniture consisted of a wooden altar at the farther end, on which was
a large crucifix, and round it several indifferent chairs, of the same
materials. In this hall of audience were assembled four or five
ill-looking banditti, my comrades in instruction, who would rather
have been taken for trusty servants of the devil than candidates for
the kingdom of heaven. Two of these fellows were Sclavonians, but gave
out they were African Jews, and (as they assured me) had run through
Spain and Italy, embracing the Christian faith, and being baptized
wherever they thought it worth their labor.
Soon after they opened another iron gate, which divided a large
balcony that overlooked a courtyard, and by this avenue entered our
sister catechumens, who, like me, were going to be regenerated, not by
baptism but a solemn abjuration. A viler set of idle, dirty, abandoned
harlots, never disgraced any persuasion: one among them, however,
appeared pretty and interesting; she might be about my own age,
perhaps a year or two older, and had a pair of roguish eyes, which
frequently encountered mine; this was enough to inspire me with the
desire of becoming acquainted with her, but she had been so strongly
recommended to the care of the old governess of this respectable
sisterhood, and was so narrowly watched by the pious missionary, who
labored for her conversion with more zeal than diligence, that
during the two months we remained together in this house (where she
had already been three) I found it absolutely impossible to exchange a
word with her. She must have been extremely stupid, though she had not
the appearance of it, for never was a longer course of instruction;
the holy man could never bring her to a state of mind fit for
abjuration; meantime she became weary of her cloister, declaring that,
Christian or not, she would stay there no longer; and they were
obliged to take her at her. word, lest she should grow refractory, and
insist on departing as great a sinner as she came.
This hopeful community were assembled in honor of the new-comer;
when our guides made us a short exhortation: I was conjured to be
obedient to the grace that Heaven had bestowed on me; the rest were
admonished to assist me with their prayers, and give me edification by
their good example. Our virgins then retired to another apartment, and
I was left to contemplate, at leisure, that wherein I found myself.
The next morning we were again assembled for instruction: I now
began to reflect, for the first time, on the step I was about to take,
and the circumstances which had led me to it.
I repeat, and shall perhaps repeat again, an assertion I have
already advanced, and of whose truth I every day receive fresh
conviction, which is, that if ever child received a reasonable and
virtuous education, it was myself. Born in a family of unexceptionable
morals, every lesson I received was replete with maxims of prudence
and virtue. My father (though fond of gallantry) not only possessed
distinguished probity, but much religion; in the world he appeared a
man of pleasure, in his family he was a Christian, and implanted early
in my mind those sentiments he felt the force of. My three aunts
were women of virtue and piety; the two eldest were professed
devotees, and the third, who united all the graces of wit and good
sense, was, perhaps, more truly religious than either, though with
less ostentation. From the bosom of this amiable family I was
transplanted to M. Lambercier's, a man dedicated to the ministry,
who believed the doctrine he taught, and acted up to its precepts.
He and his sister matured by their instructions those principles of
judicious piety I had already imbibed, and the means employed by these
worthy people were so well adapted to the effect they meant to
produce, that so far from being fatigued, I scarce ever listened to
their admonitions without finding myself sensibly affected, and
forming resolutions to live virtuously, from which, except in
moments of forgetfulness, I seldom swerved. At my uncle's, religion
was rather more tiresome, because they made it an employment; with
my master I thought no more of it, though my sentiments continued
the same: I had no companions to vitiate my morals: I became idle,
careless, and obstinate, but my principles were not impaired.
I possessed as much religion, therefore, as a child could be
supposed capable of acquiring. Why should I now disguise my
thoughts? I am persuaded I had more. In my childhood, I was not a
child; I felt, I thought as a man: as I advanced in years, I mingled
with the ordinary class; in my infancy I was distinguished from it.
I shall doubtless incur ridicule by thus modestly holding myself up
for a prodigy- I am content. Let those who find themselves disposed to
it, laugh their fill; afterward, let them find a child that at six
years old is delighted, interested, affected with romances, even to
the shedding floods of tears; I shall then feel my ridiculous
vanity, and acknowledge myself in an error.
Thus when I said we should not converse with children on religion,
if we wished them ever to possess any; when I asserted they were
incapable of communion with the Supreme Being, even in our confined
degree, I drew my conclusions from general observation; I knew they
were not applicable to particular instances: find J. J. Rousseaus of
six years old, converse with them on religious subjects at seven,
and I will be answerable that the experiment will be attended with
no danger.
It is understood, I believe, that a child, or even a man, is
likely to be most sincere while persevering in that religion in
whose belief he was born and educated; we frequently detract from,
seldom make any additions to it: dogmatical faith is the effect of
education. In addition to this general principle, which attached me to
the religion of my forefathers, I had that particular aversion our
city entertains for Catholicism, which is represented there as the
most monstrous idolatry, and whose clergy are painted in the
blackest colors. This sentiment was so firmly imprinted on my mind,
that I never dared to look into their churches- I could not bear to
meet a priest in his surplice, and never did I hear the bells of a
procession sound without shuddering with horror; these sensations soon
wore off in great cities, but frequently returned in country parishes,
which bore more similarity to the spot where I first experienced them;
meantime this dislike was singularly contrasted by the remembrance
of those caresses which priests in the neighborhood of Geneva are fond
of bestowing on the children of that city. If the bells of the
viaticum alarmed me, the chiming for mass or vespers called me to a
breakfast, a collation, to the pleasure of regaling on fresh butter,
fruits, or milk; the good cheer of M. de Pontverre had produced a
considerable effect on me; my former abhorrence began to diminish, and
looking on popery through the medium of amusement and good living, I
easily reconciled myself to the idea of enduring, though I never
entertained but a very transient and distant idea of making a solemn
profession of it.
At this moment such a transaction appeared in all its horrors; I
shuddered at the engagement I had entered into, and its inevitable
consequences. The future neophytes with which I was surrounded were
not calculated to sustain my courage by their example, and I could not
help considering the holy work I was about to perform as the action of
a villain. Though young, I was sufficiently convinced, that whatever
religion might be the true one, I was about to sell mine; and even
should I chance to choose the best, I lied to the Holy Ghost, and
merited the disdain of every good man. The more I considered, the more
I despised myself, and trembled at the fate which had led me into such
a predicament, as if my present situation had not been of my own
seeking. There were moments when these compunctions were so strong,
that had I found the door open but for an instant, I should
certainly have made my escape; but this was impossible, nor was the
resolution of any long duration, being combated by too many secret
motives to stand any chance of gaining the victory.
My fixed determination not to return to Geneva, the shame that would
attend it, the difficulty of repassing the mountains, at a distance
from my country, without friends, and without resources, everything
concurred to make me consider my remorse of conscience, as a too
late repentance. I affected to reproach myself for what I had done, to
seek excuses for that I intended to do, and by aggravating the
errors of the past, looked on the future as an inevitable consequence.
I did not say, nothing is yet done, and you may be innocent if you
please; but I said, tremble at the crime thou hast committed, which
hath reduced thee to the necessity of filling up the measure of
thine iniquities.
It required more resolution than was natural to my age to revoke
those expectations which I had given them reason to entertain, break
those chains with which I was enthralled, and resolutely declare I
would continue in the religion of my forefathers, whatever might be
the consequence. The affair was already too far advanced, and spite of
all my efforts they would have made a point of bringing it to a
conclusion.
The sophism which ruined me has had a similar effect on the
greater part of mankind, who lament the want of resolution when the
opportunity for exercising it is over. The practice of virtue is
only difficult from our own negligence; were we always discreet, we
should seldom have occasion for any painful exertion of it; we are
captivated by desires we might readily surmount, give in to
temptations that might easily be resisted, and insensibly get into
embarrassing, perilous situations, from which we cannot extricate
ourselves but with the utmost difficulty; intimidated by the effort,
we fall into the abyss, saying to the Almighty, why hast thou made
us such weak creatures? But, notwithstanding our vain pretexts, He
replies, by our consciences, I formed ye too weak to get out of the
gulf, because I gave ye sufficient strength not to have fallen into
it.
I was not absolutely resolved to become a Catholic, but, as it was
not necessary to declare my intentions immediately, I gradually
accustomed myself to the idea; hoping, meantime, that some
unforeseen event would extricate me from my embarrassment. In order to
gain time, I resolved to make the best defense I possibly could in
favor of my own opinion; but my vanity soon rendered this resolution
unnecessary, for on finding I frequently embarrassed those who had the
care of my instruction, I wished to heighten my triumph by giving them
a complete overthrow, I zealously pursued my plan, not without the
ridiculous hope of being able to convert my convertors; for I was
simple enough to believe, that could I convince them of their
errors, they would become Protestants; they did not find, therefore,
that facility in the work which they had expected, as I differed
both in regard to will and knowledge from the opinion they had
entertained of me.
Protestants, in general, are better instructed in the principles
of their religion than Catholics; the reason is obvious, the
doctrine of the former requires discussion, of the latter a blind
submission; the Catholic must content himself with the decision of
others, the Protestant must learn to decide for himself; they were not
ignorant of this, but neither my age nor appearance promised much
difficulty to men so accustomed to disputation. They knew, likewise,
that I had not received my first communion, nor the instructions which
accompany it; but, on the other hand, they had no idea of the
information I received with M. Lambercier, or that I had learned the
history of the church and empire almost by heart at my father's; and
though, since that time, nearly forgot, when warmed by the dispute
(very unfortunately for these gentlemen), it again returned to my
memory.
A little old priest, but tolerably venerable, held the first
conference; at which we were all convened. On the part of my comrades,
it was rather a catechism than a controversy, and he found more
pains in giving them instruction than answering their objections; hilt
when it came to my turn, it was a different matter; I stopped him at
every article, and did not spare a single remark that I thought
would create a difficulty: this rendered the conference long and
extremely tiresome to the assistants. My old priest talked a great
deal, was very warm, frequently rambled from the subject, and
extricated himself from difficulties by saying he was not sufficiently
versed in the French language.
The next day, lest my indiscreet objections should injure the
minds of those who were better disposed, I was led into a separate
chamber, and put under the care of a younger priest, a fine speaker;
that is, one who was fond of long perplexed sentences, and proud of
his own abilities, if ever doctor was. I did not, however, suffer
myself to be intimidated by his overbearing looks: and being
sensible that I could maintain my ground, I combated his assertions,
exposed his mistakes, and laid about me in the best manner I was able.
He thought to silence me at once with St. Augustin, St. Gregory, and
the rest of the fathers, but found, to his ineffable surprise, that
I could handle these almost as dexterously as himself; not that I
had ever read them, or he either, perhaps, but I retained a number
of passages taken from my Le Sueur, and when he bore hard on me with
one citation, without standing to dispute, I parried it with
another, which method embarrassed him extremely. At length, however,
he got the better of me for two very potent reasons; in the first
place, he was of the strongest side; young as I was, I thought it
might be dangerous to drive him to extremities, for I plainly saw
the old priest was neither satisfied with me nor my erudition. In
the next place, he had studied, I had not; this gave a degree of
method to his arguments which I could not follow; and whenever he
found himself pressed by an unforeseen objection he put it off to
the next conference, pretending I rambled from the question in
dispute. Sometimes he even rejected all my quotations, maintaining
they were false, and, offering to fetch the book, defied me to find
them. He knew he ran very little risk, and that, with all my
borrowed learning, I was not sufficiently accustomed to books, and too
poor a Latinist to find a passage in a large volume, had I been ever
so well assured it was there. I even suspected him of having been
guilty of a perfidy with which he accused our ministers, and that he
fabricated passages sometimes in order to evade an objection that
incommoded him.
Meanwhile the hospital became every day more disagreeable to me, and
seeing but one way to get out of it, I endeavored to hasten my
abjuration with as much eagerness as I had hitherto sought to retard
it.
The two Africans had been baptized with great ceremony; they were
habited in white from head to foot, to signify the purity of their
regenerated souls. My turn came a month after; for all this time was
thought necessary by the directors, that they might have the honor
of a difficult conversion, and every dogma of their faith was
recapitulated, in order to triumph the more completely over my new
docility.
At length, sufficiently instructed and disposed to the will of my
masters, I was led in procession to the metropolitan church of St.
John, to make a solemn abjuration, and undergo a ceremony made use
of on these occasions, which, though not baptism, is very similar, and
serves to persuade the people that Protestants are not Christians. I
was clothed in a kind of gray robe, decorated with white Brandenburgs.
Two men, one behind, the other before me, carried copper basins
which they kept striking with a key, and in which those who were
charitably disposed put their alms, according as they found themselves
influenced by religion or good will for the new convert; in a word,
nothing of Catholic pageantry was omitted that could render the
solemnity edifying to the populace, or humiliating to me. The white
dress might have been serviceable, but as I had not the honor to be
either Moor or Jew, they did not think fit to compliment me with it.
The affair did not end here; I must now go to the Inquisition to
be absolved from the dreadful sin of heresy, and return to the bosom
of the church with the same ceremony to which Henry the Fourth was
subjected by his ambassador. The air and manner of the right
reverend Father Inquisitor was by no means calculated to dissipate the
secret horror that seized my spirits on entering this holy mansion.
After several questions relative to my faith, situation, and family,
he asked me bluntly if my mother was damned? Terror repressed the
first gust of indignation; this gave me time to recollect myself,
and I answered, I hoped not, for God might have enlightened her last
moments. The monk made no reply, but his silence was attended with a
look by no means expressive of approbation.
All these ceremonies ended, the very moment I flattered myself I
should be plentifully provided for, they exhorted me to continue a
good Christian, and live in obedience to the grace I had received;
then wishing me good fortune, with rather more than twenty francs of
small money in my pocket, the produce of the above-mentioned
collection, turned me out, shut the door on me, and I saw no more of
them!
Thus, in a moment, all my flattering expectations were at an end;
and nothing remained from my interested conversion but the remembrance
of having been made both a dupe and an apostate. It is easy to imagine
what a sudden revolution was produced in my ideas, when every
brilliant expectation of making a fortune terminated by seeing
myself plunged in the completest misery. In the morning I was
deliberating what palace I should inhabit, before night I was
reduced to seek my lodging in the street. It may be supposed that I
gave myself up to the most violent transports of despair, rendered
more bitter by a consciousness that my own folly had reduced me to
these extremities; but the truth is, I experienced none of these
disagreeable sensations. I had passed two months in absolute
confinement; this was new to me; I was now emancipated, and the
sentiment I felt most forcibly, was joy at my recovered liberty. After
a slavery which had appeared tedious, I was again master of my time
and actions, in a great city, abundant in resources, crowded with
people of fortune, to whom my merit and talents could not fail to
recommend me. I had sufficient time before me to expect this good
fortune, for my twenty livres seemed an inexhaustible treasure,
which I might dispose of without rendering an account of to any one.
It was the first time I had found myself so rich, and far from
giving way to melancholy reflections I only adopted other hopes, in
which self-love was by no means a loser. Never did I feel so great a
degree of confidence and security; I looked on my fortune as already
made, and was pleased to think I should have no one but myself to
thank for the acquisition of it.
The first thing I did, was to satisfy my curiosity by rambling all
over the city, and I seemed to consider it as a confirmation of my
liberty; I went to see the soldiers mount guard, and was delighted
with their military accouterments; I followed processions, and was
pleased with the solemn music of the priests; I next went to see
the, king's palace, which I approached with awe, but seeing others
enter, I followed their example, and no one prevented me; perhaps I
owed this favor to the small parcel I carried under my arm; be that as
it may, I conceived a high opinion of my consequence from this
circumstance, and already thought myself an inhabitant there. The
weather was hot; I had walked about till I was both fatigued and
hungry; wishing for some refreshment, I went into a milk-house; they
brought me some cream-cheese, curds and whey, with two slices of
that excellent Piedmont bread, which I prefer to any other; and for
five or six sous I had one of the most delicious meals I ever
recollect to have made.
It was time to seek a lodging: as I already knew enough of the
Piedmontese language to make myself understood, this was a work of
no great difficulty; and I had so much prudence, that I wished to
adapt it rather to the state of my purse than the bent of my
inclination. In the course of my inquiries, I was informed that a
soldier's wife, in Po-street, furnished lodgings to servants out of
place at only one sou a night, and finding one of her poor beds
disengaged, I took possession of it. She was young and newly
married, though she already had five or six children. Mother,
Children, and lodgers, all slept in the same chamber, and it continued
thus while I remained there. She was good-natured, swore like a
carman, and wore neither cap nor handkerchief; but she had a gentle
heart, was officious, and to me both kind and serviceable.
For several days I gave myself up to the pleasures of independence
and curiosity; I continued wandering about the city and its
environs, examining every object that seemed curious or new; and,
indeed, most things had that appearance to a young novice. I never
omitted visiting the court, and assisted regularly every morning at
the king's mass. I thought it a great honor to be in the same chapel
with this prince and his retinue; but my passion for music, which
now began to make its appearance, was a greater incentive than the
splendor of the court, which, soon seen and always the same, presently
lost its attraction. The King of Sardinia had at that time the best
music in Europe; Somis, Desjardins, and the Bezuzzis shone there
alternately: all these were not necessary to fascinate a youth whom
the sound of the most simple instrument, provided it was just,
transported with joy. Magnificence only produced a stupid
admiration, without any violent desire to partake of it; my thoughts
were principally employed in observing whether any young princess
was present that merited my homage, and whom I could make the
heroine of a romance.
Meantime, I was on the point of beginning one; in a less elevated
sphere, it is true, but where, could I have brought it to a
conclusion, I should have found pleasures a thousand times more
delicious.
Though I lived with the strictest economy, my purse insensibly
grew lighter. This economy was, however, less the effect of prudence
than that love of simplicity, which, even to this day, the use of
the most expensive tables has not been able to vitiate. Nothing in
my idea, either at that time or since, could exceed a rustic repast;
give me milk, vegetables, eggs, and brown bread, with tolerable
wine, and I shall always think myself sumptuously regaled; a good
appetite will furnish out the rest, if the maitre d'hotel, with a
number of unnecessary footmen, do not satiate me with their
important attentions. Six or seven sous would then procure me a more
agreeable meal than as many francs would have done since; I was
abstemious, therefore, for want of a temptation to be otherwise;
though I do not know but I am wrong to call this abstinence, for
with my pears, new cheese, bread, and some glasses of Montferrat wine,
which you might have cut with a knife, I was the greatest of epicures.
Notwithstanding my expenses were very moderate, it was possible to see
the end of twenty francs; I was every day more convinced of this, and,
spite of the giddiness of youth, my apprehensions for the future
amounted almost to terror. All my castles in the air were vanished,
and I became sensible of the necessity of seeking some occupation that
would procure me a subsistence.
Even this was a work of difficulty: I thought of my engraving, but
knew too little of it to be employed as a journeyman, nor do masters
abound at Turin; I resolved, therefore, till something better
presented itself, to go from shop to shop, offering to engrave
ciphers, or coats of arms, on pieces of plate, etc., and hoped to
get employment by working at a low price, or taking what they chose to
give me. Even this expedient did not answer my expectation; almost all
my applications were ineffectual, the little I procured being hardly
sufficient to produce a few scanty meals.
Walking one morning pretty early in the Contranova, I saw a young
tradeswoman behind a counter, whose looks were so charmingly
attractive that, notwithstanding my timidity with the ladies, I
entered the shop without hesitation, offered my service as usual,
and had the happiness to have it accepted. She made me sit down and
relate my little history; pitied my forlorn situation; bade me be
cheerful, and endeavored to make me so by an assurance that every good
Christian would give me assistance; then (while she sent to a
goldsmith's in the neighborhood for some tools I had occasion for) she
went up stairs and fetched me something for breakfast. This seemed a
promising beginning, nor was what followed less flattering: she was
satisfied with my work, and, when I had a little recovered myself,
still more with my discourse. She was rather elegantly dressed, and
notwithstanding her gentle looks this appearance of gayety had
disconcerted me; but her good nature, the compassionate tone of her
voice, with her gentle and caressing manner, soon set me at ease
with myself: I saw my endeavors to please were crowned with success,
and this assurance made me succeed the more. Though an Italian, and
too pretty to be entirely devoid of coquetry, she had so much modesty,
and I so great a share of timidity, that our adventure was not
likely to be brought to a very speedy conclusion, nor did they give us
time to make any good of it. I cannot recall the few short moments I
passed with this lovely woman without being sensible of an
inexpressible charm, and can yet say, it was there I tasted in their
utmost perfection the most delightful, as well as the purest,
pleasures of love.
She was a lively pleasing brunette, and the good nature that was
painted on her lovely face rendered her vivacity more interesting. She
was called Madam Basile; her husband, who was considerably older
than herself, consigned her, during his absence, to the care of a
clerk, too disagreeable to be thought dangerous; but who,
notwithstanding, had pretensions that he seldom showed any signs of,
except of ill-humors, a good share of which he bestowed on me;
though I was pleased to hear him play the flute, on which he was a
tolerable musician. This second Egistus was sure to grumble whenever
he saw me go into his mistress' apartment, treating me with a degree
of disdain which she took care to repay him with interest; seeming
pleased to caress me in his presence, on purpose to torment him.
This kind of revenge, though perfectly to my taste, would have been
still more charming in a tete-a-tete, but she did not proceed so
far; at least there was a difference in the expression of her
kindness. Whether she thought me too young, that it was my place to
make advances, or that she was seriously resolved to be virtuous,
she had at such times a kind of reserve, which though not absolutely
discouraging, kept my passion within bounds.
I did not feel the same real and tender respect for her as I did for
Madam de Warrens: I was embarrassed, agitated, feared to look, and
hardly dared to breathe in her presence, yet to have left her would
have been worse than death. How fondly did my eyes devour whatever
they could gaze on without being perceived! the flowers on her gown,
the point of her pretty foot, the interval of a round white arm that
appeared between her glove and ruffle, the least part of her neck,
each object increased the force of all the rest, and added to the
infatuation. Gazing thus on what was to be seen, and even more than
was to be seen, my sight became confused, my chest seemed
contracted, respiration was every moment more painful. I had the
utmost difficulty to hide my agitation, to prevent my sighs from being
heard, and this difficulty was increased by the silence in which we
were frequently plunged. Happily, Madam Basile, busy at her work,
saw nothing of all this, or seemed not to see it; yet I sometimes
observed a kind of sympathy, especially by the frequent rising of
her handkerchief, and this dangerous sight almost mastered every
effort; but when on the point of giving way to my transports, she
spoke a few words to me with an air of tranquillity, and in an instant
the agitation subsided.
I saw her several times in this manner without a word, a gesture, or
even a look, too expressive, making the least intelligence between us.
This situation was both my torment and delight, for hardly in the
simplicity of my heart, could I imagine the cause of my uneasiness.
I should suppose these tete-a-tetes could not be displeasing to her,
at least, she sought frequent occasions to renew them; this was a very
disinterested labor, certainly, as appeared by the use she made, or
ever suffered me to make of them.
Being, one day, wearied with the clerk's discourse, she had
retired to her chamber; I made haste to finish what I had to do in the
back shop, and followed her: the door was half open, and I entered
without being perceived. She was embroidering near a window on the
opposite side of the room; she could not see me, and the carts in
the streets made too much noise for me to be heard. She was always
well dressed, but this day her attire bordered on coquetry. Her
attitude was graceful, her head leaning gently forward, discovered a
small circle of her neck; her hair, elegantly dressed, was
ornamented with flowers; her figure was universally charming, and I
had an uninterrupted opportunity to admire it. I was absolutely in a
state of ecstasy, and, involuntarily, sinking on my knees, I
passionately extended my arms towards her, certain she could not hear,
and having no conception that she could see me; but there was a
chimney glass at the end of the room that betrayed all my proceedings.
I am ignorant what effect this transport produced on her; she did
not speak, she did not look on me; but, partly turning her head,
with the movement of her finger only, she pointed to the mat which was
at her feet- To start up, with an articulate cry of joy, and occupy
the place she had indicated, was the work of a moment; but it will
hardly be believed I dared attempt no more, not even to speak, raise
my eyes to hers, or rest an instant on her knees, though in an
attitude which seemed to render such a support necessary. I was
dumb, immovable, but far enough from a state of tranquillity;
agitation, joy, gratitude, ardent indefinite wishes, restrained by the
fear of giving displeasure, which my unpractised heart too much
dreaded, were sufficiently discernible. She neither appeared more
tranquil, nor less intimidated than myself- uneasy at my present
situation, confounded at having brought me there, beginning to tremble
for the effects of a sign which she had made without reflecting on the
consequences, neither giving encouragement, nor expressing
disapprobation, with her eyes fixed on her work, she endeavored to
appear unconscious of everything that passed; but all my stupidity
could not hinder me from concluding that she partook of my
embarrassment, perhaps, my transports, and was only restrained by a
bashfulness like mine, without even that supposition giving me power
to surmount it. Five or six years older than myself, every advance,
according to my idea, should have been made by her, and, since she did
nothing to encourage mine, I concluded they would offend her. Even
at this time, I am inclined to believe I thought right; she
certainly had wit enough to perceive that a novice like me had
occasion, not only for encouragement, but instruction.
I am ignorant how this animated, though dumb scene would have ended,
or how long I should have continued immovable in this ridiculous,
though delicious, situation, had we not been interrupted- in the
height of my agitation, I heard the kitchen door open, which joined
Madam Basile's chamber; who, being alarmed, said, with a quick voice
and action, "Get up!- Here's Rosina!" Rising hastily I seized one of
her hands, which she held out to me, and gave it two eager kisses;
at the second I felt this charming hand press gently on my lips. Never
in my life did I enjoy so sweet a moment; but the occasion I had
lost returned no more, this being the conclusion of our amours.
This may be the reason that her image yet remains imprinted on my
heart in such charming colors, which have even acquired fresh luster
since I became acquainted with the world and women. Had she been.
mistress of the least degree of experience, she would have taken other
measures to animate so youthful a lover; but if her heart was weak, it
was virtuous, and only suffered itself to be borne away by a
powerful though involuntary inclination. This was, apparently, her
first infidelity, and I should perhaps, have found more difficulty
in vanquishing her scruples than my own: but, without proceeding so
far, I experienced in her company the most inexpressible delights.
Never did I taste with any other woman pleasures equal to those two
minutes which I passed at the feet of Madam Basile without even daring
to touch her gown. I am convinced no satisfaction can be compared to
that we feel with a virtuous woman we esteem; all is transport!- A
sign with the finger, a hand lightly pressed against my lips, were the
only favors I ever received from Madam Basile, yet the bare
remembrance of these trifling condescensions continues to transport
me.
It was in vain I watched the two following days for another
tete-a-tete; it was impossible to find an opportunity; nor could I
perceive on her part any desire to forward it; her behavior was not
colder, but more distant than usual, and I believe she avoided my
looks for fear of not being able sufficiently to govern her own. The
cursed clerk was more vexatious than ever; he even became a wit,
telling me, with a satirical sneer, that I should unquestionably
make my way among the ladies. I trembled lest I should have been
guilty of some indiscretion, and looking on myself as already
engaged in an intrigue, endeavored to cover with an air of mystery
an inclination which hitherto certainly had no great need of it;
this made me more circumspect in my choice of opportunities, and by
resolving only to seize such as should be absolutely free from the
danger of a surprise, I met with none.
Another romantic folly, which I could never overcome, and which,
joined to my natural timidity, tended directly to contradict the
clerk's predictions, is, I always loved too sincerely, too
perfectly, I may say, to find happiness easily attainable. Never
were passions at the same time more lively and pure than mine; never
was love more tender, more true, or more disinterested; freely would I
have sacrificed my own happiness to that of the object of my
affection; her reputation was dearer than my life, and I could promise
myself no happiness for which I would have exposed her peace of mind
for a moment. This disposition has ever made me employ so much care,
use so many precautions, such secrecy in my adventures, that all of
them have failed; in a word, my want of success with the women has
ever proceeded from having loved them too well.
To return to our Egistus, the fluter; it was remarkable that in
becoming more insupportable, the traitor put on the appearance of
complaisance. From the first day Madam Basile had taken me under her
protection, she had endeavored to make me serviceable in the
warehouse; and, finding I understood arithmetic tolerably well, she
proposed his teaching me to keep the books; a proposition that was but
indifferently received by this humorist, who might, perhaps, be
fearful of being supplanted. As this failed, my whole employ,
besides what engraving I had to do, was to transcribe some bills and
accounts, to write several books over fair, and translate commercial
letters from Italian into French. All at once he thought fit to accept
the before rejected proposal, saying he would teach me bookkeeping
by double-entry, and put me in a situation to offer my services to
M. Basile on his return; but there was something so false,
malicious, and ironical, in his air and manner, that it was by no
means calculated to inspire me with confidence. Madam Basile,
replied archly, that I was much obliged to him for his kind offer, but
she hoped fortune would be more favorable to my merits, for it would
be a great misfortune, with so much sense, that I should only be a
pitiful clerk.
She often said, she would procure me some acquaintance that might be
useful; she doubtless felt the necessity of parting with me, and had
prudently resolved on it. Our mute declaration had been made on a
Thursday, the Sunday following she gave a dinner. A Jacobin of good
appearance was among the guests, to whom she did me the honor to
present me. The monk treated me very affectionately, congratulated
me on my late conversion, mentioned several particulars of my story,
which plainly showed he had been made acquainted with it, then,
tapping me familiarly on the cheek, bade me be good, to keep up my
spirits, and come to see him at his convent where he should have
more opportunity to talk with me. I judged him to be a person of
some consequence by the deference that was paid him; and by the
paternal tone he assumed with Madam Basile, to be her confessor. I
likewise remember that his decent familiarity was attended with an
appearance of esteem, and even respect for his fair penitent, which
then made less impression on me than at present. Had I possessed
more experience, how should I have congratulated myself on having
touched the heart of a young woman respected by her confessor!
The table not being large enough to accommodate all the company, a
small one was prepared, where I had the satisfaction of dining with
our agreeable clerk; but I lost nothing with regard to attention and
good cheer, for several plates were sent to the side-table which
were certainly not intended for him. Thus far all went well; the
ladies were in good spirits, and the gentlemen very gallant, while
Madam Basile did the honors of the table with peculiar grace. In the
midst of the dinner we heard a chaise stop at the door, and
presently some one coming up stairs- it was M. Basile. Methinks I
now see him entering, in his scarlet coat with gold buttons- from that
day I have held the color in abhorrence. M. Basile was a tall handsome
man, of good address: he entered with a consequential look and an
air of taking his family unawares, though none but friends were
present. His wife ran to meet him, threw her arms about his neck,
and gave him a thousand caresses, which he received with the utmost
indifference; and without making any return saluted the company and
took his place at table. They were just beginning to speak of his
journey, when casting his eye on the small table he asked in a sharp
tone, what lad that was? Madam Basile answered ingenuously. He then
inquired whether I lodged in the house; and was answered in the
negative. "Why not?" replied he, rudely, "since he stays here all day,
he might as well remain all night too." The monk now interfered,
with a serious and true eulogium on Madam Basile: in a few words he
made mine also, adding, that so far from blaming, he ought to
further the pious charity of his wife, since it was evident she had
not passed the bounds of discretion. The husband answered with an
air of petulance, which (restrained by the presence of the monk) he
endeavored to stifle; it was, however, sufficient to let me understand
he had already received information of me, and that our worthy clerk
had rendered me an ill office.
We had hardly risen from table, when the latter came in triumph from
his employer, to inform me, I must leave the house that instant, and
never more during my life dare to set foot there. He took care to
aggravate this commission by everything that could render it cruel and
insulting. I departed without a word, my heart overwhelmed with
sorrow, less for being obliged to quit this amiable woman, than at the
thought of leaving her to the brutality of such a husband. He was
certainly right to wish her faithful; but though prudent and
well-born, she was an Italian, that is to say, tender and
vindictive; which made me think, he was extremely imprudent in using
means the most likely in the world to draw on himself the very evil he
so much dreaded.
Such was the success of my first adventure. I walked several times
up and down the street, wishing to get a sight of what my heart
incessantly regretted; but I could only discover her husband, or the
vigilant clerk, who, perceiving me, made a sign with the ell they used
in the shop, which was more expressive than alluring: finding,
therefore, that I was so completely watched, my courage failed, and
I went no more. I wished, at least, to find out the patron she had
provided me, but, unfortunately, I did not know his name. I ranged
several times round the convent, endeavoring in vain to meet with him.
At length, other events banished the delightful remembrance of Madam
Basile; and in a short time I so far forgot her, that I remained as
simple, as much a novice as ever, nor did my penchant for pretty women
even receive any sensible augmentation.
Her liberality had, however, increased my little wardrobe, though
she had done this with precaution and prudence, regarding neatness
more than decoration, and to make me comfortable rather than
brilliant. The coat I had brought from Geneva was yet wearable, she
only added a hat and some linen. I had no ruffles, nor would she
give me any, not but I felt a great inclination for them. She was
satisfied with having put it in my power to keep myself clean,
though a charge to do this was unnecessary while I was to appear
before her.
A few days after this catastrophe, my hostess, who, as I have
already observed, was very friendly, with great satisfaction
informed me she had heard of a situation, and that a lady of rank
desired to see me. I immediately thought myself in the road to great
adventures; that being the point to which all my ideas tended: this,
however, did not prove so brilliant as I had conceived it. I waited on
the lady with the servant who had mentioned me: she asked a number
of questions, and my answers not displeasing her, I immediately
entered into her service; not indeed in the quality of favorite, but
as a footman. I was clothed like the rest of her people, the only
difference being, they wore a shoulder-knot, which I had not, and,
as there was no lace on her livery, it appeared merely a tradesman's
suit. This was the unforeseen conclusion of all my great expectancies!
The Countess of Vercellis, with whom I now lived, was a widow
without children; her husband was a Piedmontese, but I always believed
her to be a Savoyard, as I could have no conception that a native of
Piedmont could speak such good French, and with so pure an accent. She
was a middle-aged woman, of a noble appearance and cultivated
understanding, being fond of French literature, in which she was
well versed. Her letters had the expression, and almost the elegance
of Madam de Sevigne's; some of them might have been taken for hers. My
principal employ, which was by no means displeasing to me, was to
write from her dictating; a cancer in the breast, from which she
suffered extremely, not permitting her to write herself.
Madam de Vercellis not only possessed a good understanding, but a
strong and elevated soul. I was with her during her last illness,
and saw her suffer and die, without showing an instant of weakness, or
the least effort of constraint; still retaining her feminine
manners, without entertaining an idea that such fortitude gave her any
claim to philosophy; a word which was not yet in fashion, nor
comprehended by her in the sense it is held at present. This
strength of disposition sometimes extended almost to apathy, ever
appearing to feel as little for others as herself; and when she
relieved the unfortunate, it was rather for the sake of acting
right, than from a principle of real commiseration. I have
frequently experienced this insensibility, in some measure during
the three months I remained with her. It would have been natural to
have had an esteem for a young man of some abilities, who was
incessantly under her observation, and that she should think, as she
felt her dissolution approaching, that after her death he would have
occasion for assistance and support: but whether she judged me
unworthy of particular attention, or that those who narrowly watched
all her motions, gave her no opportunity to think of any but
themselves, she did nothing for me.
I very well recollect that she showed some curiosity to know my
story, frequently questioning me, and appearing pleased when I
showed her the letters I wrote to Madam de Warrens, or explained my
sentiments; but as she never discovered her own, she certainly did not
take the right means to come at them. My heart, naturally
communicative, loved to display its feelings, whenever I encountered a
similar disposition; but dry, cold interrogatories, without any sign
of blame or approbation on my answers, gave me no confidence. Not
being able to determine whether my discourse was agreeable or
displeasing, I was ever in fear, and thought less of expressing my
ideas, than of being careful not to say anything that might seem to my
disadvantage. I have since remarked that this dry method of
questioning themselves into people's characters is a common trick
among women who pride themselves on superior understanding. These
imagine, that by concealing their own sentiments, they shall the
more easily penetrate into those of others; ant. that this method
destroys the confidence so necessary to make us reveal them. A man, on
being questioned, is immediately on his guard: and if once he supposes
that, without any interest in his concerns, you only wish to set him
a-talking, either he entertains you with lies, is silent, or,
examining every word before he utters it, rather chooses to pass for a
fool, than to be the dupe of your curiosity. In short, it is ever a
bad method to attempt to read the hearts of others by endeavoring to
conceal our own.
Madam de Vercellis never addressed a word to me which seemed to
express affection, pity, or benevolence. She interrogated me coldly,
and my answers were uttered with so much timidity, that she
doubtless entertained but a mean opinion of my intellects, for
latterly she never asked me any questions, nor said anything but
what was absolutely necessary for her service. She drew her judgment
less from what I really was, than from what she had made me, and by
considering me as a footman prevented my appearing otherwise.
I am inclined to think I suffered at that time by the same
interested game of concealed maneuver, which has counteracted me
throughout my life, and given me a very natural aversion for
everything that has the least appearance of it. Madam de Vercellis
having no children, her nephew, the Count de la Roque, was her heir,
and paid his court assiduously, as did her principal domestics, who,
seeing her end approaching, endeavored to take care of themselves;
in short, so many were busy about her, that she could hardly have
found time to think of me. At the head of her household was a M.
Lorenzy, an artful genius, with a still more artful wife; who had so
far insinuated herself into the good graces of her mistress, that
she was rather on the footing of a friend than a servant. She had
introduced a niece of hers as lady's maid: her name was Mademoiselle
Pontal; a cunning gypsy, that gave herself all the airs of a
waiting-woman, and assisted her aunt so well in besetting the
countess, that she only saw with their eyes, and acted through their
hands. I had not the happiness to please this worthy triumvirate; I
obeyed, but did not wait on them, not conceiving that my duty to our
general mistress required me to be a servant to her servants.
Besides this, I was a person that gave them some inquietude; they
saw I was not in my proper situation, and feared the countess would
discover it likewise, and by placing me in it, decrease their
portions; for such sort of people, too greedy to be just, look on
every legacy given to others as a diminution of their own wealth; they
endeavored, therefore, to keep me as much out of her sight as
possible. She loved to write letters, in her situation, but they
contrived to give her a distaste to it; persuading her, by the aid
of the doctor, that it was too fatiguing; and, under pretense that I
did not understand how to wait on her, they employed two great
lubberly chairmen for that purpose; in a word, they managed the affair
so well, that for eight days before she made her will, I had not
been permitted to enter the chamber. Afterwards I went in as usual,
and was even more assiduous than any one, being afflicted at the
sufferings of the unhappy lady, whom I truly respected and beloved for
the calmness and fortitude with which she bore her illness, and
often did I shed tears of real sorrow without being perceived by any
one.
At length I saw her expire. She had lived like a woman of sense
and virtue, her death was that of a philosopher. She was naturally
serious, but towards the end of her illness she possessed a kind of
gayety, too regular to be assumed, which served as a counterpoise to
the melancholy of her situation. She only kept her bed two days,
continuing to discourse cheerfully with those about her to the very
last. At last, when she could hardly speak, and in her death agony,
she let a big wind escape. "Well!" said she, turning around, "a
woman that can f... is not yet dead!" These were her last words.
She had bequeathed a year's wages to all the under servants, but,
not being on the household list, I had nothing: the Count de la Roque,
however, ordered me thirty livres, and the new coat I had on, which M.
Lorenzy would certainly have taken from me. He even promised to
procure me a place; giving me permission to wait on him as often as
I pleased. Accordingly, I went two or three times, without being
able to speak to him, and as I was easily repulsed, returned no
more; whether I did wrong will be seen hereafter.
Would I had finished what I have to say of my living at Madame de
Vercellis's. Though my situation apparently remained the same, I did
not leave her house as I had entered it: I carried with me the long
and painful remembrance of a crime; an insupportable weight of remorse
which yet hangs on my conscience, and whose bitter recollection, far
from weakening, during a period of forty years, seems to gather
strength as I grow old. Who would believe, that a childish fault
should be productive of such melancholy consequences? But it is for
the more than probable effects that my heart cannot be consoled. I
have, perhaps, caused an amiable, honest, estimable girl, who surely
merited a better fate than myself, to perish with shame and misery.
Though it is very difficult to break up housekeeping without
confusion, and the loss of some property; yet such was the fidelity of
the domestics, and the vigilance of M. and Madam Lorenzy, that no
article of the inventory was found wanting; in short, nothing was
missing but a pink and silver ribbon, which had been worn, and
belonged to Mademoiselle Pontal. Though several things of more value
were in my reach, this ribbon alone tempted me, and accordingly I
stole it. As I took no great pains to conceal the bauble, it was
soon discovered; they immediately insisted on knowing from whence I
had taken it; this perplexed me- I hesitated, and at length said, with
confusion, that Marion gave it me.
Marion was a young Mauriennese, and had been cook to Madam de
Vercellis ever since she left off giving entertainments, for being
sensible she had more need of good broths than fine ragouts, she had
discharged her former one. Marion was not only pretty, but had that
freshness of color only to be found among the mountains, and above
all, an air of modesty and sweetness, which made it impossible to
see her without affection; she was besides a good girl, virtuous,
and of such strict fidelity, that every one was surprised at hearing
her named. They had not less confidence in me, and judged it necessary
to certify which of us was the thief. Marion was sent for; a great
number of people were present, among whom was the Count de la Roque:
she arrives; they show her the ribbon; I accuse her boldly; she
remains confused and speechless, casting a look on me that would
have disarmed a demon, but which my barbarous heart resisted. At
length, she denied it with firmness, but without anger, exhorting me
to return to myself, and not injure an innocent girl who had never
wronged me. With infernal impudence, I confirmed my accusation, and to
her face maintained she had given me the ribbon: on which, the poor
girl, bursting into tears, said these words- "Ah, Rousseau! I
thought you a good disposition- you render me very unhappy, but I
would not be in your situation." She continued to defend herself
with as much innocence as firmness, but without uttering the least
invective against me. Her moderation, compared to my positive tone,
did her an injury; as it did not appear natural to suppose, on one
side such diabolical assurance; on the other, such angelic mildness.
The affair could not be absolutely decided, but the presumption was in
my favor; and the Count de la Roque, in sending us both away,
contented himself with saying, "The conscience of the guilty would
revenge the innocent." His prediction was true, and is being daily
verified.
I am ignorant what became of the victim of my calumny, but there
is little probability of her having been able to place herself
agreeably after this, as she labored under an imputation cruel to
her character in every respect. The theft was a trifle, yet it was a
theft, and, what was worse, employed to seduce a boy; while the lie
and obstinacy left nothing to hope from a person in whom so many vices
were united. I do not even look on the misery and disgrace in which
I plunged her as the greatest evil: who knows, at her age, whither
contempt and disregarded innocence might have led her?- Alas! if
remorse for having made her unhappy is insupportable, what must I have
suffered at the thought of rendering her even worse than myself. The
cruel remembrance of this transaction, sometimes so troubles and
disorders me, that, in my disturbed slumbers, I imagine I see this
poor girl enter and reproach me with my crime, as though I had
committed it but yesterday. While in easy tranquil circumstances, I
was less miserable on this account, but, during a troubled agitated
life, it has robbed me of the sweet consolation of persecuted
innocence, and made me woefully experience, what, I think, I have
remarked in some of my works, that remorse sleeps in the calm sunshine
of prosperity, but wakes amid the storms of adversity. I could never
take on me to discharge my heart of this weight in the bosom of a
friend; nor could the closest intimacy ever encourage me to it, even
with Madam de Warrens; all I could do, was to own I had to accuse
myself of an atrocious crime, but never said in what it consisted. The
weight, therefore, has remained heavy on my conscience to this day;
and I can truly own the desire of relieving myself, in some measure,
from it, contributed greatly to the resolution of writing my
Confessions.
I have proceeded truly in that I have just made, and it will
certainly be thought I have not sought to palliate the turpitude of my
offense; but I should not fulfill the purpose of this undertaking, did
I not, at the same time, divulge my interior disposition, and excuse
myself as far as is conformable with truth.
Never was wickedness further from my thoughts, than in that cruel
moment; and when I accused the unhappy girl, it is strange, but
strictly true, that my friendship for her was the immediate cause of
it. She was present to my thoughts; I formed my excuse from the
first object that presented itself; I accused her with doing what I
meant to have done, and as I designed to have given her the ribbon,
asserted she had given it to me. When she appeared, my heart was
agonized, but the presence of so many people was more powerful than my
compunction. I did not fear punishment, but I dreaded shame: I dreaded
it more than death, more than the crime, more than all the world. I
would have hid myself in the center of the earth: invincible shame
bore down every other sentiment; shame alone caused all my
impudence, and in proportion as I became criminal, the fear of
discovery rendered me intrepid. I felt no dread but that of being
detected, of being publicly, and to my face, declared a thief, liar,
and calumniator; an unconquerable fear of this overcame every other
sensation. Had I been left to myself, I should infallibly have
declared the truth. Or if M. de la Roque had taken me aside, and said-
"Do not injure this poor girl; if you are guilty own it,"- I am
convinced I should instantly have thrown myself at his feet; but
they intimidated, instead of encouraging me. I was hardly out of my
childhood, or rather, was yet in it. It is also just to make some
allowance for my age. In youth, dark, premeditated villany is more
criminal. than in a riper age, but weaknesses are much less so; my
fault was truly nothing more; and I am less afflicted at the deed
itself than for its consequences. It had one good effect, however,
in preserving me through the rest of my life from any criminal action,
from the terrible impression that has remained from the only one I
ever committed; and I think my aversion for lying proceeds in a
great measure from regret at having been guilty of so black a one.
If it is a crime that can be expiated, as I dare believe, forty
years of uprightness and honor on various difficult occasions, with
the many misfortunes that have overwhelmed my latter years, may have
completed it. Poor Marion has found so many avengers in this world,
that however great my offense towards her, I do not fear to bear the
guilt with me. Thus have I disclosed what I had to say on this painful
subject; may I be permitted never to mention it again.
BOOK III
[1728-1731]
HAVING left the service of Madam de Vercellis nearly as I had
entered it, I returned to my former hostess, and remained there five
or six weeks; during which time health, youth, and laziness,
frequently rendered my temperament importunate. I was restless,
absent, and thoughtful: I wept and sighed for a happiness I had no
idea of, though at the same time highly sensible of some deficiency.
This situation is indescribable, few men can even form any
conception of it, because, in general, they have prevented that
plenitude of life, at once tormenting and delicious. My thoughts
were incessantly occupied with girls and women, but in a manner
peculiar to myself: these ideas kept my senses in a perpetual and
disagreeable activity, though, fortunately, they did not point out the
means of deliverance. I would have given my life to have met with a
Miss Goton, if only for a quarter of an hour, but the time was past in
which the play of infancy predominated; increase of years had
introduced shame, the inseparable companion of a conscious deviation
from rectitude, which so confirmed my natural timidity as to render it
invincible; and never, either at that time or since, could I prevail
on myself to offer a proposition favorable to my wishes (unless in a
manner constrained to it by previous advances) even with those whose
scruples I had no cause to dread, and that I felt assured were ready
to take me at my word.
My stay at Madam de Vercellis's had procured me some acquaintance,
which I wished to retain. Among others, I sometimes visited a Savoyard
abbe, M. Gaime, who was tutor to the Count of Melarede's children.
He was young, and not much known, but possessed an excellent
cultivated understanding, with great probity, and was, altogether, one
of the best men I ever knew. He was incapable of doing me the
service I then stood most in need of, not having sufficient interest
to procure me a situation, but from him I reaped advantages far more
precious, which have been useful to me through life, lessons of pure
morality, and maxims of sound judgment.
In the successive order of my inclinations and ideas, I had ever
been too high or too low. Achilles or Thersites; sometimes a hero,
at others a villain. M. Gaime took pains to make me properly
acquainted with myself, without sparing or giving me too much
discouragement. He spoke in advantageous terms of my disposition and
talents, adding, that he foresaw obstacles which would prevent my
profiting by them; thus, according to him, they were to serve less
as steps by which I should mount to fortune, than as resources which
might enable me to exist without one. He gave me a true picture of
human life, of which, hitherto, I had formed but a very erroneous
idea, teaching me, that a man of understanding, though destined to
experience adverse fortune, might, by skillful management, arrive at
happiness; that there was no true felicity without virtue, which was
practicable in every situation. He greatly diminished my admiration of
grandeur, by proving that those in a superior situation are neither
better nor happier than those they command. One of his maxims has
frequently returned to my memory: it was, that if we could truly
read the hearts of others we should feel more inclination to descend
than rise: this reflection, the truth of which is striking without
extravagance, I have found of great utility, in the various
exigences of my life, as it tended to make me satisfied with my
condition. He gave me the first just conception of relative duties,
which my high-flown imagination had ever pictured in extremes,
making me sensible that the enthusiasm of sublime virtues is of little
use in society; that while endeavoring to rise too high we are in
danger of falling; and that a virtuous and uniform discharge of little
duties requires as great a degree of fortitude as actions which are
called heroic, and would at the same time procure more honor and
happiness. That it was infinitely more desirably to possess the
lasting esteem of those about us, than at intervals to attract
admiration.
In properly arranging the various duties between man and man, it was
necessary to ascend to principles; the step I had recently taken,
and of which my present situation was the consequence, naturally led
us to speak of religion. It will easily be conceived that the honest
M. Gaime was, in a great measure, the original of the Savoyard
Vicar: prudence only obliging him to deliver his sentiments, on
certain points, with more caution and reserve, and explain himself
with less freedom; but his sentiments and councils were the same,
not even excepting his advice to return to my country; all was
precisely as I have since given it to the public. Dwelling no
longer, therefore, on conversations which every one may see the
substance of, I shall only add, that these wise instructions (though
they did not produce an immediate effect) were as so many seeds of
virtue and religion in my heart which were never rooted out, and
only required the fostering cares of friendship to bring to maturity.
Though my conversion was not very sincere, I was affected by his
discourses, and far from being weary, was pleased with them on account
of their clearness and simplicity, but above all because his heart
seemed interested in what he said. My disposition is naturally tender,
I have ever been less attached to people for the good they have really
done me than for that they designed to do, and my feelings in this
particular have seldom misled me: thus I truly esteemed M. Gaime. I
was in a manner his second disciple, which even at that time was of
inestimable service in turning me from a propensity to vice into which
my idleness was leading me.
One day, when I least expected it, I was sent for by the Count de la
Roque. Having frequently called at his house, without being able to
speak with him, I grew weary, and supposing he had either forgot me
retained some unfavorable impression of me, returned no more: but I
was mistaken in both these conjectures. He had more than once
witnessed the pleasure I took in fulfilling my duty to his aunt: he
had even mentioned it to her, and afterwards spoke of it, when I no
longer thought of it myself.
He received me graciously, saying that instead of amusing me with
useless promises, he had sought to place me to advantage; that he
had succeeded, and would put me in a way to better my situation, but
the rest must depend on myself. That the family into which he should
introduce me being both powerful and esteemed, I should need no
other patrons; and though at first on the footing of a servant, I
might be assured, that if my conduct and sentiments were found above
that station, I should not long remain in it. The end of this
discourse cruelly disappointed the brilliant hopes the beginning had
inspired. "What! forever a footman?" said I to myself, with a
bitterness which confidence presently effaced, for I felt myself too
superior to that situation to fear long remaining there.
He took me to the Count de Gauvon, Master of the Horse to the Queen,
and Chief of the illustrious House of Solar. The air of dignity
conspicuous in this respectable old man, rendered the affability
with which he received me yet more interesting. He questioned me
with evident interest, and I replied with sincerity. He then told
the Count de la Roque, that my features were agreeable, and promised
intellect, which he believed I was not deficient in; but that was
not enough, and time must show the rest; after which, turning to me,
he said, "Child, almost all situations are attended with
difficulties in the beginning; yours, however, shall not have too
great a portion of them; be prudent, and endeavor to please every one,
that will be almost your only employment; for the rest fear nothing,
you shall be taken care of." Immediately after he went to the
Marchioness de Breil, his daughter-in-law, to whom he presented me,
and then to the Abbe de Gauvon, his son. I was elated with this
beginning, as I knew enough of the world already to conclude, that
so much ceremony is not generally used at the reception of a
footman. In fact, I was not treated like one. I dined at the steward's
table; did not wear a livery; and the Count de Favria (a giddy
youth) having commanded me to get behind his coach, his grandfather
ordered that I should get behind no coach, nor follow any one out of
the house. Meantime, I waited at table, and did, within doors, the
business of a footman; but I did it, as it were, of my own free
will, without being appointed to any particular service; and except
writing some letters, which were dictated to me, and cutting out
some ornaments for the Count de Favria, I was almost the absolute
master of my time. This trial of my discretion, which I did not then
perceive, was certainly very dangerous, and not very humane; for in
this state of idleness I might have contracted vices which I should
not otherwise have given in to. Fortunately, it did not produce that
effect; my memory retained the lessons of M. Gaime, they had made an
impression on my heart, and I sometimes escaped from the house of my
patron to obtain a repetition of them. I believe those who saw me
going out, apparently by stealth, had no conception of my business.
Nothing could be more prudent than the advice he gave me respecting my
conduct. My beginning was admirable; so much attention, assiduity, and
zeal, had charmed every one. The Abbe Gaime advised me to moderate
this first ardor, lest I should relax, and that relaxation should be
considered as neglect. "Your setting out," said he, "is the rule of
what will be expected of you; endeavor gradually to increase your
attentions, but be cautious how you diminish them."
As they paid but little attention to my trifling talents, and
supposed I possessed no more than nature had given me, there was no
appearance (notwithstanding the promises of Count de Gauvon) of my
meeting with any particular consideration. Some objects of more
consequence had intervened. The Marquis de Breil, son of the Count
de Gauvon, was then ambassador at Vienna; some circumstances had
occurred at that court which for some weeks kept the family in
continual agitation, and left them no time to think of me. Meantime, I
had relaxed but little in my attentions, though one object in the
family did me both good and harm, making me more secure from
exterior dissipation, but less attentive to my duty.
Mademoiselle de Breil was about my own age, tolerably handsome and
very fair complexioned, with black hair, which, notwithstanding,
gave to her features that air of softness so natural to the flaxen,
and which my heart could never resist. The court dress, so favorable
to youth, showed her fine neck and shape to advantage, and the
mourning, which was then worn, seemed to add to her beauty. It will be
said, a domestic should not take notice of these things; I was
certainly to blame, yet I perceived all this, nor was I the only
one; the maitre d'hotel and valet de chambre spoke of her sometimes at
table with a vulgarity that pained me extremely. My head, however, was
not sufficiently turned to allow of my being entirely in love; I did
not forget myself, or my situation. I loved to see Mademoiselle de
Breil; to hear her utter anything that marked wit, sense, or good
humor; my ambition, confined to a desire of waiting on her, never
exceeded its just rights. At table I was ever attentive to make the
most of them; if her footman quitted her chair, I instantly supplied
his place; in default of this, I stood facing her, seeking in her eyes
what she was about to ask for, and watching the moment to change her
plate. What would I not have given to hear her command, to have her
look at, or speak the smallest word to me! but no, I had the
mortification to be beneath her regard; she did not even perceive I
was there. Her brother, who frequently spoke to me while at table,
having one day said something which I did not consider obliging, I
made him so arch and well-turned an answer, that it drew her
attention; she cast her eyes upon me, and this glance was sufficient
to fill me transport. The next day, a second occasion presented
itself, which I fortunately made use of. A great dinner was given; and
I saw, with astonishment, for the first time, the maitre d'hotel
waiting at table, with a sword by his side, and hat on his head. By
chance, the discourse turned on the motto of the house of Solar, which
was, with the arms, worked in the tapestry: Tel fiert qui ne tue
pas. As the Piedmontese are not in general very perfect in the
French language, they found fault with the orthography, saying, that
in the word fiert there should be no t. The old Count de Gauvon was
going to reply, when happening to cast his eyes on me, he perceived
I smiled without daring to say anything; he immediately ordered me
to speak my opinion. I then said, I did not think the t superfluous,
fiert being an old French word, not derived from the noun ferus,
proud, threatening; but from the verb fierit, he strikes, he wounds;
the motto, therefore, did not appear to mean, some threat, but, Some
strike who do not kill. The whole company fixed their eyes on me, then
on each other, without speaking a word; never was a greater degree
of astonishment; but what most flattered me, was an air of
satisfaction which I perceived on the countenance of Mademoiselle de
Breil. This scornful lady deigned to cast on me a second look at least
as valuable as the former, and turning to her grandfather, appeared to
wait with impatience for the praise that was due to me, and which he
fully bestowed, with such apparent satisfaction, that it was eagerly
chorused by the whole table. This interval was short, but delightful
in many respects; it was one of those moments so rarely met with,
which place things in their natural order, and revenge depressed merit
for the injuries of fortune. Some minutes after Mademoiselle de
Breil again raised her eyes, desiring me with a voice of timid
affability to give her some drink. It will easily be supposed I did
not let her wait, but advancing towards her, I was seized with such
a trembling, that having filled the glass too full, I spilled some
of the water on her plate, and even on herself. Her brother asked
me, giddily, why I trembled thus? This question increased my
confusion, while the face of Mademoiselle de Breil was suffused with a
crimson blush.
Here ended the romance; where it may be remarked (as with Madam
Basile, and others in the continuation of my life) that I was not
fortunate in the conclusion of my amours. In vain I placed myself in
the antechamber of Madam de Breil. I could not obtain one mark of
attention from her daughter; she went in and out without looking at
me, nor had I the confidence to raise my eyes to her; I was even so
foolishly stupid, that one day, on dropping her gloves as she
passed, instead of seizing and covering it with kisses, as I would
gladly have done, I did not dare to quit my place, but suffered it
to be taken up by a great booby of a footman, whom I could willingly
have knocked down for his officiousness. To complete my timidity, I
perceived I had not the good fortune to please Madam de Breil; she not
only never but even rejected, my services; and having twice found me
in her antechamber, asked me, dryly, "If I had nothing to do?" I was
obliged, therefore, to renounce this dear antechamber; as first it
caused me some uneasiness, but other things intervening, I presently
thought no more of it.
The disdain of Madam de Breil was fully compensated by the
kindness of her father-in-law, who at length began to think of me. The
evening after the entertainment, I have already mentioned, he had a
conversation with me that lasted half an hour, which appeared to
satisfy him, and absolutely enchanted me. This good man had less sense
than Madam de Vercellis, but possessed more feeling; I therefore
succeeded much better with him. He bade me attach myself to his son,
the Abbe Gauvon, who had an esteem for me, which, if I took care to
cultivate, might be serviceable in furnishing me with what was
necessary to complete their views for my future establishment. The
next morning I flew to M. the abbe, who did not receive me as a
servant, but made me sit by his fireside, and questioned me with great
affability. He soon found that my education, which had attempted
many things, had completed none; but observing that I understood
something of Latin, he undertook to teach me more, and appointed me to
attend him every morning. Thus, by one of the whimsicalities which
have marked the whole course of my life, at once above and below my
natural situation, I was pupil and in footman in the same house; and
though in servitude, had a preceptor whose birth entitled him to
supply that place only to the children of kings.
The Abbe de Gauvon was a younger son, and designed by his family for
a bishopric, for which reason his studies had been pursued further
than is usual with people of quality. He had been sent to the
university of Sienna, where he had resided some years, and from whence
he had brought a good portion of cruscantism, designing to be that
at Turin which the Abbe de Dangeau was formerly at Paris. Being
disgusted with theology, he gave in to the belles-lettres, which is
very frequent in Italy with those who have entered the career of
prelacy. He had studied the poets, and wrote tolerable Latin and
Italian verses; in a word, his taste was calculated to form mine,
and give some order to that chaos of insignificant trash with which my
brain was encumbered; but whether my prating had misled him, or that
he could not support the trouble of teaching the elementary parts of
Latin, he put me at first too high; and I had scarcely translated a
few fables of Phoedrus before he put me into Virgil, where I could
hardly understand anything. It will be seen hereafter that I was
destined frequently to learn Latin, but never to attain it. I
labored with assiduity, and the abbe bestowed his attention with a
degree of kindness, the remembrance of which, even at this time,
both interests and softens me. I passed the greater part of the
morning with him as much for my own instruction as his service; not
that he ever permitted me to perform any menial office, but to copy,
or write form his dictating; and my employment of secretary was more
useful than that of scholar, and by this means I not only learned
the Italian in its utmost purity, but also acquired a taste for
literature, and some discernment of composition, which could not
have been at La Tribu's, and which was useful to me when I
afterwards wrote alone.
At this period of my life, without being romantic, I might
reasonably have indulged the hope of preferment. The abbe,
thoroughly pleased with me, expressed his satisfaction to every one,
while his father had such a singular affection for me, that I was
assured by the Count de Favria, that he had spoken of me to the
king; even Madam de Breil had laid aside her disdainful looks; in
short I was a general favorite, which gave great jealousy to the other
servants, who, seeing me honored by the instructions of their master's
son, were persuaded I should not remain their equal.
As far as I could judge by some words dropped at random, and which I
reflected on afterwards, it appeared to me, that the House of Solar,
wishing to run the career of embassies, and hoping perhaps in time
to arrive at the ministry, wished to provide themselves with a
person of merit and talents, who depending entirely on them, might
obtain their confidence, and be of essential service. This project
of the Count de Gauvon was judicious, magnanimous, and truly worthy of
a powerful nobleman, equally provident and generous; but besides my
not seeing, at that time, its full extent, it was far too rational for
my brain, and required too much confinement. My ridiculous ambition
sought for fortune in the midst of brilliant adventures, and not
finding one woman in all this scheme, it appeared tedious, painful,
and melancholy; though I should rather have thought it more
honorable on this account, as the species of merit generally
patronized by women is certainly less worthy than that which I was
supposed to possess.
Everything succeeded to my wish: I had obtained, almost forced,
the esteem of all; the trial was over, and I was universally
considered as a young man with flattering prospects, who was not at
present in his proper sphere, but was expected soon to reach it; but
my place was not assigned me by man, and I was to reach it by very
different paths. I now come to one of those characteristic traits,
which are so natural to me, and which, indeed, the reader, might
have observed without this reflection.
There were at Turin several new converts of my own stamp, whom I
neither liked nor wished to see; but I had met with some Genevese
who were not of this description, and among others, a M. Mussard,
nicknamed Wryneck, a miniature painter, and a distant relation. This
M. Mussard, having learned my situation at the Count de Gauvon's, came
to see me, with another Genevese, named Bacle, who had been my comrade
during my apprenticeship. This Bacle was a very sprightly, amusing
young fellow, full of lively sallies, which at his time of life
appeared extremely agreeable. At once, then, behold me delighted
with M. Bacle; charmed to such a degree, that I found it impossible to
quit him. He was shortly to depart for Geneva; what a loss had I to
sustain! I felt the whole force of it, and resolving to make the
best use of this precious interval, I determined not to leave him, or,
rather, he never quitted me, for my head was not yet sufficiently
turned to think of quitting the house without leave; but it was soon
perceived that he engrossed my whole time, and he was accordingly
forbid the house. This so incensed me, that forgetting everything
but my friend Bacle, I went neither to the abbe nor the count, and was
no longer to be found at home. I paid no attention to repeated
reprimands, and at length was threatened with dismissal. This threat
was my ruin, as it suggested the idea that it was absolutely necessary
that Bacle should depart alone. From that moment I could think of no
other pleasure, no other situation or happiness than taking this
journey. To render the felicity still more complete, at the end of
it (though at an immense distance) I pictured to myself Madam de
Warrens; for as to returning to Geneva, it never entered into my
imagination. The hills, fields, brooks, and villages, incessantly
succeeded each other with new charms, and this delightful jaunt seemed
worthy to absorb my whole existence. Memory recalled, with
inexpressible pleasure, how charming the country had appeared in
coming to Turin; what then must it be, when, to the pleasure of
independence, should be added the company of a good-humored comrade of
my own age and disposition, without any constraint or obligation,
but free to go or stay as we pleased? Would it not be madness to
sacrifice the prospect of so much felicity to projects of ambition,
slow and difficult in their execution, and uncertain in their event?
But even supposing them realized, and in their utmost splendor, they
were not worth one quarter of an hour of the sweet pleasure and
liberty of youth.
Full of these wise conclusions, I conducted myself so improperly,
that (not indeed without some trouble) I got myself dismissed; for
on my return one night the maitre d'hotel gave me warning on the
part of the count. This was exactly what I wanted; for feeling, in
spite of myself, the extravagance of my conduct, I wished to excuse it
by the addition of injustice and ingratitude, by throwing the blame on
others, and sheltering myself under the idea of necessity.
I was told the Count de Favria wished to speak with me the next
morning before my departure; but, being sensible that my head was so
far turned as to render it possible for me to disobey the
injunction, maitre d'hotel declined paying the money designed me,
and which certainly I had very ill earned, till after this visit;
for my kind patrons being unwilling to place me in the situation of
a footman, I had not any fixed wages.
The Count de Favria, though young and giddy, talked to me on this
occasion in the most sensible and serious manner: I might add, if it
would not be thought vain, with the utmost tenderness. He reminded me,
in the most flattering terms, of the cares of his uncle, and
intentions of his grandfather; after having drawn in lively colors
what I was sacrificing to ruin, he offered to make my peace, without
stipulating any conditions, but that I should no more see the
worthless fellow who had seduced me.
It was so apparent that he did not say all this of himself, that
notwithstanding my blind stupidity, I powerfully felt the kindness
of my good old master; but the dear journey was too firmly printed
on my imagination for any consideration to balance the charm. Bereft
of understanding, firm to my purpose, I hardened myself against
conviction, and arrogantly answered, that as they had thought fit to
give me warning, I had resolved to take it, and conceived it was now
too late to retract, since, whatever might happen to me, I was fully
resolved not to be driven a second time from the same house. The
count, justly irritated, bestowed on me some names which I deserved,
and putting me out of his apartment by the shoulders, shut the door on
me. I departed triumphant, as if I had gained the greatest victory,
and fearful of sustaining a second combat even had the ingratitude
to leave the house without thanking the abbe for his kindness.
To form a just conception of my delirium at that moment, the
excess to which my heart is subject to be heated by the most
trifling incidents, and the ardor with which my imagination seizes
on the most attractive objects should be conceived. At these times,
plans the most ridiculous, childish, and void of sense, flatter my
favorite idea, and persuade me that it is reasonable to sacrifice
everything to the possession of it. Would it be believed, that when
near nineteen, any one could be so stupid as to build his hopes of
future subsistence on an empty phial? For example:
The Abbe de Gauvon had made me a present, some weeks before, of a
very pretty heron fountain, with which I was highly delighted. Playing
with this toy, and speaking of our departure, the sage Bacle and
myself thought it might be of infinite advantage, and enable us to
lengthen our journey. What in the world was so curious as a heron
fountain? This idea was the foundation on which we built our future
fortune: we were to assemble the country people in every village we
might pass through, and delight them with the sight of it, when
feasting and good cheer would be sure to pour on us abundantly; for we
were both firmly persuaded, that provisions could cost nothing to
those who grew and gathered them, and if they did not stuff travelers,
it was downright ill-nature. We pictured in all parts entertainments
and weddings, reckoning that without any expense but wind from our
lungs, and the water of our fountain, we should be maintained
through Piedmont, Savoy, France, and, indeed, all the world over.
There was no end to our projected travels, and we immediately directed
our course northward, rather for the pleasure of crossing the Alps,
than from a supposed necessity of being obliged to stop at any place.
Such was the plan on which I set out, abandoning without regret,
my preceptors, studies, and hopes, with the almost certain
attainment of a fortune, to lead the life of a real vagabond. Farewell
to the capital; adieu to the court, ambition, love, the fair, and
all the great adventures into which hope had led me during the
preceding year! I departed with my fountain and my friend Bacle, a
purse lightly furnished, but a heart overflowing with pleasure, and
only thinking how to enjoy the extensive felicity which I supposed
my project encircled.
This extravagant journey was performed almost as agreeably as I
had expected, though not exactly on the same plan; not but our
fountain highly amused the hostess and servants for some minutes at
all the alehouses where we halted, yet we found it equally necessary
to pay on our departure; but that gave us no concern, as we never
thought of depending on it entirely until our money should be
expended. An accident spared us that trouble, our fountain was
broken near Bramant, and in good time, for we both felt (though
without daring to own it to each other) that we began to be weary of
it. This misfortune rendered us gayer than ever; we laughed heartily
at our giddiness in having forgotten that our clothes and shoes
would wear out, or trusting to renew them by the play of our fountain.
We continued our journey as merrily as we had begun it, only drawing
faster towards that termination where our drained purses made it
necessary for us to arrive.
At Chambery I became pensive; not for the folly I had committed, for
never did any one think less of the past, but on account of the
reception I should meet with from Madam de Warrens; for I looked on
her house as my paternal home. I had written her an account of my
reception at the Count de Gauvon's; she knew my expectancies, and,
in congratulating me on my good fortune, had added some wise lessons
on the return I ought to make for the kindness with which they treated
me. She looked on my fortune as already made, if not destroyed by my
own negligence; what then would she say on my arrival? for it never
entered my mind that she might shut the door against me, but I dreaded
the uneasiness I might give her; I dreaded her reproaches, to me
more wounding than want; I resolved to bear all in silence, and, if
possible, to appease her. I now saw nothing but Madam de Warrens in
the whole universe, and to live in disgrace with her was impossible.
I was most concerned about my companion, whom I did not wish to
offend, and feared I should not easily get rid of. I prefaced this
separation by an affected coldness during the last day's journey.
The drole understood me perfectly; in fact, he was rather giddy than
deficient in point of sense- I expected he would have been hurt at
my inconstancy, but I was quite mistaken; nothing affected my friend
Bacle, for hardly had we set foot in town, on our arrival in Annecy,
before he said, "You are now at home"- embraced- bade me adieu- turned
on his heel, and disappeared; nor have I ever heard of him since.
How did my heart beat as I approached the habitation of Madam de
Warrens! my legs trembled under me, my eyes were clouded with a
mist, I neither saw, heard, nor recollected any one, and was obliged
frequently to stop that I might draw breath, and recall my
bewildered senses. Was it fear of not obtaining that succor I stood in
need of, which agitated me to this degree? At the age I then was, does
the fear of perishing with hunger give such alarms? No: I declare with
as much truth as pride, that it was not in the power of interest or
indigence, at any period of my life, to expand or contract my heart.
In the course of a painful life, memorable for its vicissitudes,
frequently destitute of an asylum, and without bread, I have
contemplated with equal indifference, both opulence and misery. In
want I might have begged or stolen, as others have done, but never
could feel distress at being reduced to such necessities. Few men have
grieved more than myself, few have shed so many tears; yet never did
poverty, or the fear of falling into it, make me heave a sigh or
moisten my eyelids. My soul, in despite of fortune, has only been
sensible of real good and evil, which did not depend on her; and
frequently, when in possession of everything that could make life
pleasing, I have been the most miserable of mortals.
The first glance of Madam de Warrens banished all my fears- my heart
leaped at the sound of her voice; I threw myself at her feet, and in
transports of the most lively joy, pressed my lips upon her hand. I am
ignorant whether she had received any recent information of me. I
discovered but little surprise on her countenance, and no sorrow.
"Poor child!" said she, in an affectionate tone, "art thou here again?
I knew you were too young for this journey; I am very glad, however,
that it did not turn out so bad as I apprehended." She then made me
recount my history; it was not long, and I did it faithfully:
suppressing only some trifling circumstances, but on the whole neither
sparing nor excusing myself.
The question was, where I could lodge: she consulted her maid on
this point- I hardly dared to breathe during the deliberation; but
when I heard I was to sleep in the house, I could scarce contain my
joy; and saw the little bundle I brought with me carried into my
destined apartment with much the same sensations as St. Preux saw
his chaise put up at Madam de Wolmar's. To complete all, I had the
satisfaction to find that this favor was not to be transitory; for
at a moment when they thought me attentive to something else, I
heard Madam de Warrens say, "They may talk as they please, but since
Providence has sent him back, I am determined not to abandon him."
Behold me, then, established at her house; not, however, that I date
the happiest days of my life from this period, but this served to
prepare me for them. Though that sensibility of heart, which enables
us truly to enjoy our being, is the work of Nature, and perhaps a mere
effect of organization, yet it requires situations to unfold itself,
and without a certain concurrence of favorable circumstances, a man
born with the most acute sensibility may go out of the world without
ever having been acquainted with his own temperament. This was my case
till that time, and such perhaps it might have remained had I never
known Madam de Warrens, or even having known her, had I not remained
with her long enough to contract that pleasing habit of affectionate
sentiments with which she inspired me. I dare affirm, that those who
only love, do not feel the most charming sensations we are capable of:
I am acquainted with another sentiment, less impetuous, but a thousand
times more delightful; sometimes joined with love, but frequently
separated from it. This feeling is not simply friendship; it is more
enchanting, more tender; nor do I imagine it can exist between persons
of the same sex; at least I have been truly a friend, if ever a man
was, and yet never experienced it in that kind. This distinction is
not sufficiently clear, but will become so hereafter: sentiments are
only distinguishable by their effects.
Madam de Warrens inhabited an old house, but large enough to have
a handsome spare apartment, which she made her drawing-room. I now
occupied this chamber, which was in the passage I have before
mentioned as the place of our first meeting. Beyond the brook and
gardens was a prospect of the country, which was by no means
uninteresting to the young inhabitant, being the first time, since
my residence at Bossey, that I had seen anything before my windows but
walls, roofs, or the dirty street. How pleasing then was this novelty!
it helped to increase the tenderness of my disposition, for I looked
on this charming landscape as the gift of my dear patroness, who I
could almost fancy had placed it there on purpose for me. Peaceably
seated, my eyes pursued her amidst the flowers and the verdure; her
charms seemed to me confounded with those of the spring; my heart,
till now contracted, here found means to expand itself, and my sighs
exhaled freely in this charming retreat.
The magnificence I had been accustomed to at Turin was not to be
found at Madam de Warrens', but in lieu of it there was neatness,
regularity, and a patriarchal abundance, which is seldom attached to
pompous ostentation. She had very little plate, no china, no game in
her kitchen, or foreign wines in her cellar, but both were well
furnished, and at every one's service; and her coffee, though served
in earthenware cups, was excellent. Whoever came to her house was
invited to dine there, and never did laborer, messenger, or
traveler, depart without refreshment. Her family consisted of a pretty
chambermaid from Fribourg, named Merceret; a valet from her own
country called Claude Anet (of whom I shall speak hereafter), a
cook, and two hired chairmen when she visited, which seldom
happened. This was a great deal to be done out of two thousand
livres a year; yet, with good management, it might have been
sufficient, in a country where land is extremely good, and money
very scarce. Unfortunately, economy was never her favorite virtue; she
contracted debts- paid them- thus her money passed from hand to hand
like a weaver's shuttle, and quickly disappeared.
The arrangement of her housekeeping was exactly what I should have
chosen, and I shared it with satisfaction. I was least pleased with
the necessity of remaining too long at table. Madam de Warrens was
so much incommoded with the first smell of soup or meat, as almost
to occasion fainting; from this she slowly recovered, talking
meantime, and never attempting to eat for the first half hour. I could
have dined thrice in the time, and had ever finished my meal long
before she began; I then ate again for company; and though by this
means I usually dined twice, felt no inconvenience from it. In
short, I was perfectly at my ease, and the happier as my situation
required no care. Not being at this time instructed in the state of
her finances, I supposed her means were adequate to her expense; and
though I afterwards found the same abundance, yet when instructed in
her real situation, finding her pension ever anticipated, prevented me
from enjoying the same tranquility. Foresight with me has always
embittered enjoyment; in vain I saw the approach of misfortunes, I was
never the more likely to avoid them.
From the first moment of our meeting, the softest familiarity was
established between us, and in the same degree it continued during the
rest of her life. Child was my name, Mamma was hers, and child and
mamma we have ever continued, even after a number of years had
almost effaced the apparent difference of age between us. I think
those names convey an exact idea of our behavior, the simplicity of
our manners, and, above all, the similarity of our dispositions. To me
she was the tenderest of mothers, ever preferring my welfare to her
own pleasure; and if my own satisfaction found some interest in my
attachment to her, it was not to change its nature, but only to render
it more exquisite, and infatuate me with the charm of having a
mother young and handsome, whom I was delighted to caress: I say
literally, to caress, for never did it enter into her imagination to
deny me the tenderest maternal kisses and endearments, or into my
heart to abuse them. It will be said, our connection was of a
different kind: I confess it; but have patience, that will come in its
turn.
The sudden sight of her, on our first interview, was the only
truly passionate moment she ever inspired me with; and even that was
principally the work of surprise. My indiscreet glances never went
searching beneath her neckerchief, although the ill-concealed
plumpness was quite attractive for them. With her I had neither
transports nor desires, but remained in a ravishing calm, sensible
of a happiness I could not define.
She was the only person with whom I never experienced that want of
conversation, which to me is so painful to endure. Our tete-a-tetes
were rather an inexhaustible chat than conversation, which could
only conclude from interruption. So far from finding discourse
difficult, I rather thought it a hardship to be silent; unless, when
contemplating her projects, she sank into a reverie; when I silently
let her meditate, and gazing on her, was the happiest of men. I had
another singular fancy, which was that without pretending to the favor
of a tete-a-tete, I was perpetually seeking occasion to form them,
enjoying such opportunities with rapture; and when importunate
visitors broke in upon us, no matter whether it was man or woman, I
went out murmuring, not being able to remain a secondary object in her
company; then, counting the minutes in her antechamber, I used to
curse these eternal visitors, thinking it inconceivable how they could
find so much to say, because I had still more.
If ever I felt the full force of my attachment, it was when I did
not see her. When in her presence, I was only content; when absent, my
uneasiness reached almost to melancholy, and a wish to live with her
gave me emotions of tenderness even to tears. Never shall I forget one
great holiday, while she was at vespers, when I took a walk out of the
city, my heart full of her image, and the ardent wish to pass my
life with her. I could easily enough see that at present this was
impossible; that the happiness I enjoyed would be of short duration,
and this idea gave to my contemplations a tincture of melancholy,
which, however, was not gloomy, but tempered with a flattering hope.
The ringing of bells, which ever particularly affects me, the
singing of birds, the fineness of the day, the beauty of the
landscape, the scattered country houses, among which in idea I
placed our future dwelling, altogether struck me with an impression so
lively, tender, melancholy, and powerful, that I saw myself in ecstasy
transported into that happy time and abode, where my heart, possessing
all the felicity it could desire, might taste it with raptures
inexpressible. I never recollect to have enjoyed the future with
such force of illusion as at that time; and what has particularly
struck me in the recollection of this reverie is that, when
realized, I found my situation exactly as I had imagined it. If ever
waking dream had an appearance of a prophetic vision, it was assuredly
this; I was only deceived in its imaginary duration, for days,
years, and life itself, passed ideally in perfect tranquility, while
the reality lasted but a moment. Alas! my most durable happiness was
but as a dream, which I had no sooner had a glimpse of, than I
instantly awoke.
I know not when I should have done, if I was to enter into a
detail of all the follies that affection for my dear Madam de
Warrens made me commit. When absent from her, how often have I
kissed the bed on a supposition that she had slept there; the curtains
and all the furniture of my chamber, on recollecting they were hers,
and that her charming hands had touched them; nay, the floor itself,
when I considered she had walked there. Sometimes even in her presence
extravagancies escaped me, which only the most violent passions seemed
capable of inspiring; in a word, there was but one essential
difference to distinguish me from an absolute lover, and that
particular renders my situation almost inconceivable.
I had returned from Italy, not absolutely as I went there, but as no
one of my age, perhaps, ever did before, being equally unacquainted
with women. My ardent constitution had found resources in those
means by which youth of my disposition sometimes preserve their purity
at the expense of health, vigor, and frequently of life itself. My
local situation should likewise be considered- living with a pretty
woman, cherishing her image in the bottom of my heart, seeing her
during the whole day, at night surrounded with objects that recalled
her incessantly to my remembrance, and sleeping in the bed where I
knew she had slept. What a situation! Who can read this without
supposing me on the brink of the grave? But quite the contrary; that
which might have ruined me, acted as a preservative, at least for a
time. Intoxicated with the charm of living with her, with the ardent
desire of passing my life there, absent or present I saw in her a
tender mother, an amiable sister, a respected friend, but nothing
more; meantime, her image filled my heart, and left room for no
other object. The extreme tenderness with which she inspired me
excluded every other woman from my consideration, and preserved me
from the whole sex: in a word, I was virtuous, because I loved her.
Let these particulars, which I recount but indifferently, be
considered, and then let any one judge what kind of attachment I had
for her: for my part, all I can say, is, that if it hitherto appears
extraordinary, it will appear much more so in the sequel.
My time passed in the most agreeable manner, though occupied in a
way which was by no means calculated to please me; such as having
projects to digest, bills to write fair, receipts to transcribe, herbs
to pick, drugs to pound, or distillations to attend; and in the
midst of all this, came crowds of travelers, beggars, and visitors
of all denominations. Sometimes it was necessary to converse at the
same time with a soldier, an apothecary, a prebendary, a fine lady,
and a lay brother. I grumbled, swore, and wished all this
troublesome medley at the devil, while she seemed to enjoy it,
laughing at my chagrin till the tears ran down her cheeks. What
excited her mirth still more, was to see that my anger was increased
by not being able myself to refrain from laughter. These little
intervals, in which I enjoyed the pleasure of grumbling, were
charming; and if, during the dispute, another importunate visitor
arrived, she would add to her amusement by maliciously prolonging
the visit, meantime casting glances at me for which I could almost
have beat her; nor could she without difficulty refrain from
laughter on seeing my constrained politeness, though every moment
glancing at her the look of a fury, while, even in spite of myself,
I thought the scene truly diverting.
All this, without being pleasing in itself, contributed to amuse,
because it made up a part of a life which I thought delightful.
Nothing that was performed around me, nothing that I was obliged to
do, suited my taste, but everything suited my heart; and I believe, at
length, I should have liked the study of medicine, had not my
natural distaste to it perpetually engaged us in whimsical scenes,
that prevented my thinking of it in a serious light. It was,
perhaps, the first time that this art produced mirth. I pretended to
distinguish a physical book by its smell, and what was more diverting,
was seldom mistaken. Madam de Warrens made me taste the most
nauseous drugs; in vain I ran, or endeavored to defend myself; spite
of resistance or wry faces, spite of my struggles, or even of my
teeth, when I saw her charming fingers approach my lips, I was obliged
to give up the contest.
When shut up in an apartment with all her medical apparatus, any one
to have heard us running and shouting amidst peals of laughter would
rather have imagined we had been acting a farce than preparing opiates
or elixirs.
My time, however, was not entirely passed in these fooleries; in the
apartment which I occupied I found a few books: there was the
Spectator, Puffendorf, St. Evremond, and the Henriade. Though I had
not my old passion for books, yet I amused myself with reading a
part of them. The Spectator was particularly pleasing and
serviceable to me. The Abbe de Gauvon. had taught me to read less
eagerly, and with a greater degree of attention, which rendered my
studies more serviceable. I accustomed myself to reflect on
elocution and the elegance of composition; exercising myself in
discerning pure French from my provincial idiom. For example, I
corrected an orthographical fault (which I had in common with all
Genevese) by these two lines of the Henriade:
Soit qu'un ancient respect pour le sang de leurs maitres,
Parlat encore pour lui dans le coeur de ces traitres.
I was struck with the word parlat, and found a 't' was necessary to
form the third person of the subjunctive, whereas I had always written
and pronounced it parla, as in the present of the indicative.
Sometimes my studies were the subject of conversation with Madam
de Warrens; sometimes I read to her, in which I found great
satisfaction; and as I endeavored to read well, it was extremely
serviceable to me. I have already observed that her mind was
cultivated; her understanding was at this time in its meridian.
Several people of learning having been assiduous to ingratiate
themselves, had taught her to distinguish works of merit; but her
taste (if I may so express myself) was rather Protestant; ever
speaking warmly of Bayle, and highly esteeming St. Evremond, though
long since almost forgotten in France: but this did not prevent her
having a taste for literature, or expressing her thoughts with
elegance. She had been brought up with polite company, and coming
young to Savoy, by associating with people of the best fashion, had
lost the affected manners of her own country, where the ladies mistake
wit for sense, and only speak in epigram.
Though she had seen the court but superficially, that glance was
sufficient to give her a competent idea of it; and notwithstanding
secret jealousies and the murmurs excited by her conduct and running
in debt, she ever preserved friends there, and never lost her pension.
She knew the world, and was possessed of sense and reflection to
make her experience useful. This was her favorite theme in our
conversations, and was directly opposite to my chimerical ideas,
though the kind of instruction I particularly had occasion for. We
read Bruyere together; he pleased her more than Rochefoucault, who
is a dull, melancholy author, particularly to youth, who are not
fond of contemplating man as he really is. In moralizing she sometimes
bewildered herself by the length of her discourse; but by kissing
her lips or hand from time to time I was easily consoled, and never
found them wearisome.
This life was too delightful to be lasting; I felt this, and the
uneasiness that thought gave me was the only thing that disturbed my
enjoyment. Even in playfulness she studied my disposition, observed
and interrogated me, forming projects for my future fortune, which I
could readily have dispensed with. Happily it was not sufficient to
know my disposition, inclinations, and talents; it was likewise
necessary to find a situation in which they would be useful, and
this was not the work of a day. Even the prejudices this good woman
had conceived in favor of my merit put off the time of calling it into
action, by rendering her more difficult in the choice of means: thus
(thanks to the good opinion she entertained of me), everything
answered to my wish; but a change soon happened which put a period
to my tranquility.
A relation of Madam de Warrens, named M. d'Aubonne, came to see her:
a man of great understanding and intrigue, being, like her, fond of
projects, though careful not to ruin himself by them. He had offered
Cardinal Fleury a very compact plan for a lottery, which, however, had
not been approved of, and he was now going to propose it to the
court of Turin, where it was accepted and put into execution. He
remained some time at Annecy, where he fell in love with the
Intendant's lady, who was very amiable, much to my taste, and the only
person I saw with pleasure at the house of Madam de Warrens. M.
d'Aubonne saw me, I was strongly recommended by his relation; he
promised, therefore, to question and see what I was fit for, and, if
he found me capable to seek me a situation. Madam de Warrens sent me
to him two or three mornings, under pretense of messages, without
acquainting me with her real intention. He spoke to me gayly, on
various subjects, without any appearance of observation; his
familiarity presently set me talking, which by his cheerful and
jesting manner he encouraged without restraint- I was absolutely
charmed with him. The result of his observations was, that
withstanding the animation of my countenance, and promising
exterior, if not absolutely silly, I was a lad of very little sense,
and without ideas of learning; in fine, very ignorant in all respects,
and if I could arrive at being curate of some village, it was the
utmost honor I ought ever to aspire to. Such was the account he gave
of me to Madam de Warrens. This was not the first time such an opinion
had been formed of me, neither was it the last; the judgment of M.
Masseron having been repeatedly confirmed.
The cause of these opinions is too much connected with my
character not to need a particular explanation; for it will not be
supposed that I can in conscience subscribe to them: and with all
possible impartiality, whatever M. Masseron, M. d'Aubonne and many
others may have said, I cannot help thinking them mistaken.
Two things, very opposite, unite in me, and in a manner which I
cannot myself conceive. My disposition is extremely ardent, my
passions lively and impetuous, yet my ideas are produced slowly,
with great embarrassment and after much afterthought. It might be said
my heart and understanding do not belong to the same individual. A
sentiment takes possession of my soul with the rapidity of
lightning, but instead of illuminating, it dazzles and confounds me; I
feel all, but see nothing; I am warm, but stupid; to think I must be
cool. What is astonishing, my conception is clear and penetrating,
if not hurried: I can make excellent impromptus at leisure, but on the
instant, could never say or do anything worth notice. I could hold a
tolerable conversation by the post, as they say the Spaniards play
at chess, and when I read that anecdote of a duke of Savoy, who turned
himself round, while on a journey, to cry out a votre gorge,
marchand de Paris! I said, "Here is a trait of my character!"
This slowness of thought, joined to vivacity of feeling, I am not
only sensible of in conversation, but even alone. When I write, my
ideas are arranged with the utmost difficulty. They glance on my
imagination and ferment till they discompose, heat, and bring on a
palpitation; during this state of agitation, I see nothing properly,
cannot write a single word, and must wait till it is over.
Insensibly the agitation subsides, the chaos acquires form, and each
circumstance takes its proper place. Have you never seen an opera in
Italy? where during the change of scene everything is in confusion,
the decorations are intermingled, and any one would suppose that all
would be overthrown; yet by little and little, everything is arranged,
nothing appears wanting, and we feel surprised to see the tumult
succeeded by the most delightful spectacle. This is a resemblance of
what passes in my brain when I attempt to write; had I always waited
till that confusion was past, and then pointed, in their natural
beauties, the objects that had presented themselves, few authors would
have surpassed me.
Thence arises the extreme difficulty I find in writing my
manuscripts, blotted scratched, and scarcely legible, attest the
trouble they cost me; nor is there one of them but I have been obliged
to transcribe four or five times before it went to press. Never
could I do anything when placed at a table, pen in hand; it must be
walking among the rocks, or in the woods; it is at night in my bed,
during my wakeful hours, that I compose; it may be judged how
slowly, particularly for a man who has not the advantage of verbal
memory, and never in his life could retain by heart six verses. Some
of my periods I have turned and returned in my head five or six nights
before they were fit to be put to paper: thus it is that I succeed
better in works that require laborious attention, than those that
appear more trivial, such as letters, in which I could never
succeed, and being obliged to write one is to me a serious punishment;
nor can I express my thoughts on the most trivial subjects without
it costing me hours of fatigue. If I write immediately what strikes
me, my letter is a long, confused, unconnected string of
expressions, which, when read, can hardly be understood.
It is not only painful to me to give language to my ideas, but
even to receive them. I have studied mankind, and think myself a
tolerable observer, yet I know nothing from what I see, but all from
what I remember, nor have I understanding except in my
recollections. From all that is said, from all that passes in my
presence, I feel nothing, conceive nothing, the exterior sign being
all that strikes me; afterwards it returns to my remembrance; I
recollect the place, the time, the manner, the look, and gesture,
not a circumstance escapes me; it is, then, from what has been done or
said, that I imagine what has been thought, and I have rarely found
myself mistaken.
So little master of my understanding when alone, let any one judge
what I must be in conversation, where to speak with any degree of ease
you must think of a thousand things at the same time: the bare idea
that I should forget something material would be sufficient to
intimidate me. Nor can I comprehend how people can have the confidence
to converse in large companies, where each word must pass in review
before so many, and where it would be requisite to know their
several characters and histories to avoid saying what might give
offense. In this particular, those who frequent the world would have a
great advantage, as they know better where to be silent, and can speak
with greater confidence; yet even they sometimes let fall absurdities;
in what predicament then must he be who drops as it were from the
clouds? It is almost impossible he should speak ten minutes with
impunity.
In a tete-a-tete there is a still worse inconvenience; that is,
the necessity of talking perpetually, at least, the necessity of
answering when spoken to, and keeping up the conversation when the
other is silent. This insupportable constraint is alone sufficient
to disgust me with society, for I cannot form an idea of a greater
torment than being obliged to speak continually without time for
recollection. I know not whether it proceeds from my mortal hatred
to all constraint; but if I am obliged to speak, I infallibly talk
nonsense. What is still worse, instead of learning how to be silent
when I have absolutely nothing to say, it is generally at such times
that I have a violent inclination; and, endeavoring to pay my debt
of conversation as speedily as possible, I hastily gabble a number
of words without ideas, happy when they only chance to mean nothing:
thus endeavoring to conquer or hide my incapacity, I rarely fail to
show it.
I think I have said enough to show that, though not a fool, I have
frequently passed for one, even among people capable of judging;
this was the more vexatious, as my physiognomy and eyes promised
otherwise, and expectation being frustrated, my stupidity appeared the
more shocking. This detail, which a particular occasion gave birth to,
will not be useless in the sequel, being a key to many of my actions
which might otherwise appear unaccountable; and have been attributed
to a savage humor I do not possess. I love society as much as any man,
was I not certain to exhibit myself in it, not only disadvantageously,
but totally different from what I really am. The plan I have adopted
of writing and retirement, is what exactly suits me. Had I been
present, my worth would never have been known, no one would even
have suspected it; thus it was with Madam Dupin, a woman of sense,
in whose house I lived for several years; indeed, she has often
since owned it to me: though on the whole this rule may be subject
to some exceptions. I shall now return to my history.
The estimate of my talents thus fixed, the situation I was capable
of premised, the question only remained how to render me capable of
fulfilling my destined vocation. The principal difficulty was, I did
not know Latin enough for a priest. Madam de Warrens determined to
have me taught for some time at the seminary, and accordingly spoke of
it to the superior, who was a Lazarist, called M. Gros, a good-natured
little fellow, half blind, meager, gray-haired, insensible, and the
least pedantic of any Lazarist I ever knew; which, in fact, is
saying no great matter.
He frequently visited Madam de Warrens, who entertained, caressed,
and made much of him, letting him sometimes lace her stays, an
office he was willing enough to perform. While thus employed, she
would run about the room, this way or that, as occasion happened to
call her. Drawn by the lace, Monsieur the Superior followed,
grumbling, repeating at every moment, "Pray, madam, do stand still;"
the whole forming a scene truly diverting.
M. Gros willingly assented to the project of Madam de Warrens,
and, for a very moderate pension, charged himself with the care of
instructing me. The consent of the bishop was all that remained
necessary, who not only granted it, but offered to pay the pension,
permitting me to retain the secular habit till they could judge by a
trial what success they might have in my improvement.
What a change! but I was obliged to submit; though I went to the
seminary with about the same spirits as if they had been taking me
to execution. What a melancholy abode! especially for one who left the
house of a pretty woman. I carried one book with me, that I had
borrowed of Madam de Warrens, and found it a capital resource! It will
not be easily conjectured what kind of book this was- it was a music
book. Among the talents she had cultivated, music was not forgotten;
she had a tolerably good voice, sang agreeably, and played on the
harpsichord. She had taken the pains to give me some lessons in
singing, though before I was very uninformed in that respect, hardly
knowing the music of our. psalms. Eight or ten interrupted lessons,
far from putting me in a condition to improve myself, did not teach me
half the notes; notwithstanding, I had such a passion for the art,
that I determined to exercise myself alone. The book I took was not of
the most easy kind; it was the cantatas of Clerambault. It may be
conceived with what attention and perseverance I studied, when I
inform my reader, that without knowing anything of transposition or
quantity, I contrived to sing, with tolerable correctness, the first
recitative and air in the cantata of Alpheus and Arethusa: it is
true this air is so justly set, that it is only necessary to recite
the verses in their just measure to catch the music.
There was at the seminary a curst Lazarist, who by undertaking to
teach me Latin made me detest it. His hair was coarse, black, and
greasy, his face like those formed in gingerbread; he had the voice of
a buffalo, the countenance of an owl, and the bristles of a boar in
lieu of a beard; his smile was sardonic, and his limbs played like
those of a puppet moved by wires. I have forgotten his odious name,
but the remembrance of his frightful precise countenance remains
with me, though hardly can I recollect it without trembling;
especially when I call to mind our meeting in the gallery, when he
graciously advanced his filthy square cap as a sign for me to enter
his apartment, which appeared more dismal in my apprehension than a
dungeon. Let any one judge the contrast between my present master
and the elegant Abbe de Gauvon.
Had I remained two months at the mercy of this monster, I am certain
my head could not have sustained it; but the good M. Gros,
perceiving I was melancholy, grew thin, and did not eat my victuals,
guessed the cause of my uneasiness (which indeed was not very
difficult) and taking me from the claws of this beast, by another
yet more striking contrast, placed me with the gentlest of men, a
young Faucigneran abbe, named M. Gatier, who studied at the
seminary, and out of complaisance for M. Gros, and humanity to myself,
spared some time from the prosecution of his own studies in order to
direct mine. Never did I see a more pleasing countenance than that
of M. Gatier. He was fair complexioned, his beard rather inclined to
red; his behavior, like that of the generality of his countrymen
(who under a coarseness of countenance conceal much understanding),
marked in him a truly sensible and affectionate soul. In his large
blue eyes there was a mixture of softness, tenderness, and melancholy,
which made it impossible to see him without feeling one's self
interested. From the looks and manner of this young abbe he might have
been supposed to have foreseen his destiny, and that he was born to be
unhappy.
His disposition did not belie his physiognomy: full of patience
and complaisance, he rather appeared to study with than instruct me.
So much was not necessary to make me love him, his predecessor
having rendered that very easy; yet, notwithstanding all the time he
bestowed on me, notwithstanding our mutual good inclinations, and that
his plan of teaching was excellent, with much labor, I made little
progress. It is very singular, that with a clear conception I could
never learn much from masters except my father and M. Lambercier;
the little I know besides I have learned alone, as will be seen
hereafter. My spirit, impatient of every species of constraint, cannot
submit to the law of the moment; even the fear of not learning
prevents my being attentive, and a dread of wearying those who
teach, makes me feign to understand them; thus they proceed faster
than I can comprehend, and the conclusion is I learn nothing. My
understanding must take its own time and cannot submit to that of
another.
The time of ordination being arrived, M. Gatier returned to his
province as deacon, leaving me with gratitude, attachment, and
sorrow for his loss. The vows I made for him were no more answered
than those I offered for myself. Some years after, I learned, that
being vicar of a parish, a young girl was with child by him, being the
only one (though he possessed a very tender heart) with whom he was
ever in love. This was a dreadful scandal in a diocese severely
governed, where the priests (being under good regulation) ought
never to have children- except by married women. Having infringed this
politic law, he was put in prison, defamed, and driven from his
benefice. I know not whether it was ever after in his power to
reestablish his affairs; but the remembrance of his misfortunes, which
were deeply engraven on my heart, struck me when I wrote Emilius,
and uniting M. Gatier with M. Gaime, I formed from these two worthy
priests the character of the Savoyard Vicar, and flatter myself the
imitation has not dishonored the originals.
While I was at the seminary, M. d'Aubonne Was obliged to quit
Annecy, Moultou being displeased that he made love to his wife,
which was acting like a dog in the manger, for though Madam Moultou
was extremely amiable, he lived very ill with her, treating her with
such brutality that a separation was talked of. Moultou, by repeated
oppressions, at length procured a dismissal from his employment: he
was a disagreeable man; a mole could not be blacker, nor an owl more
knavish. It is said the provincials revenge themselves on their
enemies by songs; M. d'Aubonne revenged himself on his by a comedy,
which he sent to Madam de Warrens, who showed it to me. I was
pleased with it, and immediately conceived the idea of writing one, to
try whether I was so silly as the author had pronounced me. This
project was not executed till I went to Chambery, where I wrote The
Lover of Himself. Thus when I said in the preface to that piece, "it
was written at eighteen," I cut off a few years.
Nearly about this time an event happened, not very important in
itself, but whose consequence affected me, and made a noise in the
world when I had forgotten it. Once a week I was permitted to go
out; it is not necessary to say what use I made of this liberty. Being
one Sunday at Madam de Warrens', a building belonging to the
Cordeliers, which joined her house, took fire; this building which
contained their oven, being full of dry fagots, blazed violently and
greatly endangered the house; for the wind happening to drive the
flames that way, it was covered with them. The furniture, therefore,
was hastily got out and carried into the garden which fronted the
windows, on the other side the before-mentioned brook. I was so
alarmed that I threw indiscriminately everything that came to hand out
of the window, even to a large stone mortar, which at another time I
should have found it difficult to remove, and should have thrown a
handsome looking-glass after it had not some one prevented me. The
good bishop, who that day was visiting Madam de Warrens, did not
remain idle; he took her into the garden, where they went to prayers
with the rest that were assembled there, and where, some time
afterwards, I found them on their knees, and presently joined them.
While the good man was at his devotions the wind changed, so
suddenly and critically that the flames, which had covered the house
and began to enter the windows, were carried to the other side of
the court, and the house received no damage. Two years after, Monsieur
de Berner being dead, the Antoines, his former brethren, began to
collect anecdotes which might serve as arguments of his beatification;
at the desire of Father Baudet, I joined to these an attestation of
what I had just related, in doing which, though I attested no more
than the truth, I certainly acted ill, as it tended to make an
indifferent occurrence pass for a miracle. I had seen the bishop in
prayer, and had likewise seen the wind change during that prayer,
and even much to the purpose, all this I could certify truly; but that
one of these facts was the cause of the other, I ought not to have
attested, because it is what I could not possibly be assured of.
Thus much I may say, that as far as I can recollect what my ideas were
at that time, I was sincerely, and in good earnest, a Catholic. Love
of the marvelous is natural to the human heart; my veneration for
the virtuous prelate, and secret pride in having, perhaps, contributed
to the event in question, all helped to seduce me; and certainly, if
this miracle was the effect of ardent prayer, I had a right to claim a
share of the merit.
More than thirty years after, when I published the Lettres de la
Montagne, M. Freron (I know not by what means) discovered this
attestation, and made use of it in his paper. I must confess the
discovery was very critically timed, and appeared very diverting, even
to me.
I was destined to be the outcast of every condition; for
notwithstanding M. Gatier gave the most favorable account he
possibly could of my studies, they plainly saw the improvement I
received bore no proportion to the pains taken to instruct me, which
was no encouragement to continue them: the bishop and superior,
therefore, were disheartened, and I was sent back to Madam de Warrens,
as a subject not even fit to make a priest of; but as they allowed, at
the same time, that I was a tolerably good lad, and far from being
vicious, this account counterbalanced the former, and determined her
not to abandon me.
I carried back in triumph the dear music book, which had been so
useful to me, the air of Alpheus and Arethusa being almost all I had
learned at the seminary. My predilection for this art started the idea
of making a musician of me. A convenient opportunity offered: once a
week, at least, she had a concert at her house, and the music-master
from the cathedral, who directed this little band, came frequently
to see her. This was a Parisian, named M. le Maitre, a good
composer, very lively, gay, young, well made, of little understanding,
but, upon the whole, a good sort of man. Madam de Warrens made us
acquainted; I attached myself to him, and he seemed not displeased
with me. A pension was talked of, and agreed on; in short, I went home
with him, and passed the winter the more agreeably at his chambers, as
they were not above twenty paces distance from Madam de Warrens',
where we frequently supped together. It may easily be supposed that
this situation, ever gay, and singing with the musicians and
children of the choir, was more pleasing to me than the seminary and
fathers of St. Lazarus. This life, though free, was regular; here I
learned to prize independence, but never to abuse it. For six whole
months I never once went out except to see Madam de Warrens, or to
church, nor had I any inclination to it. This interval is one of those
in which I enjoyed the greatest satisfaction, and which I have ever
recollected with pleasure. Among the various situations I have been
placed in, some were marked with such an idea of virtuous
satisfaction, that the bare remembrance affects me as if they were yet
present. I vividly recollect the time, the place, the persons, and
even the temperature of the air, while the lively idea of a certain
local impression peculiar to those times, transports me back again
to the very spot; for example, all that was repeated at our
meetings, all that was sung in the choir, everything that passed
there; the beautiful and noble habits of the canons, the chasubles
of the priests, the miters of the singers, the persons of the
musicians; an old lame carpenter who played the counter-bass, a little
fair abbe who performed on the violin, the ragged cassock which M.
le Maitre, after taking off his sword, used to put over his secular
habit, and the fine surplice with which he covered the rags of the
former, when he went to the choir; the pride with which I held my
little flute to my lips, and seated myself in the orchestra, to assist
in a recitative which M. le Maitre had composed on purpose for me; the
good dinner that afterwards awaited us, and the good appetites we
carried to it. This concourse of objects, strongly retraced in my
memory, has charmed me a hundred times as much, or perhaps more,
than ever the reality had done. I have always preserved an effection
for a certain air of the Conditor alme Syderum, because one Sunday
in Advent I heard that hymn sung on the steps of the cathedral
(according to the custom of that place) as I lay in bed before
daybreak. Mademoiselle Merceret, Madam de Warrens' chambermaid, knew
something of music; I shall never forget a little piece that M. le
Maitre made me sing with her, and which her mistress listened to
with great satisfaction. In a word, every particular, even down to the
servant Perrine, whom the boys of the choir took such delight in
teasing. The remembrance of these times of happiness and innocence
frequently returning to my mind, both ravish and affect me.
I lived at Annecy during a year without the least reproach, giving
universal satisfaction. Since my departure from Turin, I had been
guilty of no folly, committed none while under the eye of Madam de
Warrens. She was my conductor, and ever led me right; my attachment
for her became my only passion, and what proves it was not a giddy
one, my heart and understanding were in unison. It is true that a
single sentiment, absorbing all my faculties, put me out of a capacity
of learning even music: but this was not my fault, since to the
strongest inclination, I added the utmost assiduity. I was inattentive
and thoughtful; what could I do? Nothing was wanting towards my
progress that depended on me; meantime, it only required a subject
that might inspire me to occasion the commission of new follies:
that subject presented itself, chance arranged it, and (as will be
seen hereafter) my inconsiderate head gave in to it.
One evening, in the month of February, when it was very cold,
being all sat round the fire, we heard some one knock at the street
door. Perrine took a light, went down and opened it: a young man
entering, came upstairs, presented himself with an easy air, and
making M. le Maitre a short but well-turned compliment, announced
himself as a French musician, constrained by the state of his finances
to take this liberty. The heart of the good Le Maitre leaped at the
name of a French musician, for he passionately loved both his
country and profession; he therefore offered the young traveler his
service and use of his apartment, which he appeared to stand much in
need of, and which he accepted without much ceremony. I observed him
while he was chatting and warming himself before supper; he was
short and thick, some fault in his shape, though without any
particular deformity; he had (if I may so express myself) an
appearance of being hunchbacked, with flat shoulders, and I think he
limped. He wore a black coat, rather worn than old, which hung in
tatters, a very fine but dirty shirt, frayed ruffles; a pair of
splatter-dashes so large that he could have put both legs into
either of them, and, to secure himself from the snow, a little hat,
only fit to be carried under the arm. With this whimsical equipage
he had, however, something elegant in his manners and conversation;
his countenance was expressive and agreeable, and he spoke with
facility if not with modesty; in short, everything about him bore
the marks of a young debauchee, who did not crave assistance like a
beggar, but as a thoughtless madcap. He told us his name was Venture
de Villeneuve, that he came from Paris, had lost his way, and
seeming to forget that he had announced himself for a musician,
added that he was going to Grenoble to see a relation that was a
member of parliament.
During supper we talked of music, on which subject he spoke well: he
knew all the great virtuosi, all the celebrated works, all the actors,
actresses, pretty women, and powerful lords; in short nothing was
mentioned but what he seemed thoroughly acquainted with. Though no
sooner was any topic started, than by some drollery, which set every
one a-laughing, he made them forget what had been said. This was on
a Saturday; the next day there was to be music at the cathedral: M. le
Maitre asked if he would sing there- "Very willingly."- "What part
would he choose?"- "The counter-tenor:" and immediately began speaking
of other things. Before he went to church they offered him his part to
peruse, but he did not even look at it. This Gasconade surprised Le
Maitre- "You'll see," said he, whispering to me, "that he does not
know a single note."- I replied, "I am very much afraid of him." I
followed them into the church; but was extremely uneasy, and when they
began, my heart beat violently, so much was I interested in his
behalf.
I was presently out of pain: he sung his two recitatives with all
imaginable taste and judgment; and what was yet more, with a very
agreeable voice. I never enjoyed a more pleasing surprise. After mass,
M. Venture received the highest compliments from the canons and
musicians, which he answered jokingly, though with great grace. M.
le Maitre embraced him heartily; I did the same; he saw I was rejoiced
at his success, and appeared pleased at my satisfaction.
The reader will assuredly agree with me, that after having been
delighted with M. Bacle, who had little to attract my admiration, I
should be infatuated with M. Venture, who had education, wit, talents,
and a knowledge of the world, and might be called an agreeable rake.
It is true, he boasted of many things he did not understand, but of
those he knew (which were very numerous) he said nothing, patiently
waiting some occasion to display them, which he then did with ease,
though without forwardness, and thus gave them more effect. Playful,
giddy, inexhaustible, seducing in conversation, ever smiling, but
never laughing, and repeating the rudest things in the most elegant
manner. Even the most modest women were astonished at what they
endured from him: it was in vain for them to determine to be angry;
they could not assume the appearance of it. He only wished abandoned
women, and I do not believe he was capable of having good luck with
women, but could only add an infinite charm to the society of people
who had his luck. It was extraordinary that with so many agreeable
talents, in a country where they are so well understood, and so much
admired, he so long remained only a musician.
My attachment to M. Venture, more reasonable in its cause, was
also less extravagant in its effects though more lively and durable
than that I had conceived for M. Bacle. I loved to see him, to hear
him, all his actions appeared charming, everything he said was an
oracle to me, but the enchantment did not extend far enough to disable
me from quitting him. I had a preservative against this excess near
me. I found besides, that his maxims were very good for him, but
felt that I had no use for them; I needed another kind of
voluptuousness, of which he had no idea, and of which I not even dared
speak, as I was sure, he would only make fun of me. Still I would
unite this attachment to the one that governed me. I spoke of him with
transport to Madam de Warrens, Le Maitre likewise spoke in his praise,
and she consented we should bring him to her house. This interview did
not succeed; he thought her affected she found him a libertine, and,
alarmed that I had formed such an ill acquaintance, not only forbade
me bringing him there again, but likewise painted so strongly the
danger I ran with this young man, that I became a little more
circumspect in giving in to the attachment; and very happily, both for
my manners and wits, we were soon separated.
M. le Maitre, like most of his profession, loved good wine; at table
he was moderate, but when busy in his closet he must drink. His maid
was so well acquainted with this humor that no sooner had he
prepared his paper to compose, and taken his violoncello, than the
bottle and glass arrived, and was replenished from time to time: thus,
without being ever absolutely intoxicated, he was usually in a state
of elevation. This was really unfortunate, for he had a good heart,
and was so playful that Madam de Warrens used to call him the
kitten. Unhappily, he loved his profession, labored much and drank
proportionally, which injured his health, and at length soured his
temper. Sometimes he was gloomy and easily offended, though
incapable of rudeness, or giving offense to any one, for never did
he utter a harsh word, even to the boys of the choir: on the other
hand, he would not suffer another to offend him, which was but just:
the misfortune was, having little understanding, he did not properly
discriminate, and was often angry without cause.
The Chapter of Geneva, where so many princes and bishops formerly
thought it an honor to be seated, though in exile it lost its
ancient splendor, retained (without any diminution) its pride. To be
admitted, you must either be a gentleman or Doctor of Sorbonne. If
there is a pardonable pride, after that derived from personal merit,
it is doubtless that arising from birth, though, in general, priests
having laymen in their service treat them with sufficient haughtiness,
and thus the canons behaved to poor Le Maitre. The chanter, in
particular, who was called the Abbe de Vidonne, in other respects a
well-behaved man, but too full of his nobility, did not always show
him the attention his talents merited. M. le Maitre could not bear
these indignities patiently; and this year, during passion week,
they had a more serious dispute than ordinary. At an institution
dinner that the bishop gave the canons, and to which Le Maitre was
always invited, the abbe failed in some formality, adding, at the same
time, some harsh words, which the other could not digest; he instantly
formed the resolution to quit them the following night; nor could
any consideration make him give up his design, though Madam de Warrens
(whom he went to take leave of) spared no pains to appease him. He
could not relinquish the pleasure of leaving his tyrants embarrassed
for the Easter feast, at which time he knew they stood in greatest
need of him. He was most concerned about his music, which he wished to
take with him; but this could not easily be accomplished, as it filled
a large case, and was very heavy, and could not be carried under the
arms.
Madam de Warrens did what I should have done in her situation; and
indeed, what I should yet do: after many useless efforts to retain
him, seeing he was resolved to depart, whatever might be the event,
she formed the resolution to give him every possible assistance. I
must confess Le Maitre deserved it of her, for he was (if I may use
the expression) dedicated to her service, in whatever appertained to
either his art or knowledge, and the readiness with which he obliged
gave a double value to his complaisance: thus she only paid back, on
an essential occasion, the many favors he had been long conferring
on her; though I should observe, she possessed a soul that, to fulfill
such duties, had no occasion to be reminded of previous obligation.
Accordingly she ordered me to follow Le Maitre to Lyons, and
continue with him as long as he might have occasion for my services.
She has since avowed, that a desire of detaching me from Venture had a
great hand in this arrangement. She consulted Claude Anet about the
conveyance of the above-mentioned case. He advised, that instead of
hiring a beast of Annecy, which would infallibly discover us, it would
be better, at night, to take it to some neighboring village, and there
hire an ass to carry it to Seyssel, which being in the French
dominions, we should have nothing to fear. This plan was adopted; we
departed the same night at seven, and Madam de Warrens, under pretense
of paying my expenses, increased the purse of poor Le Maitre by an
addition that was very acceptable. Claude Anet, the gardener, and
myself, carried the case to the first village, then hired an ass,
and the same night reached Seyssel.
I think I have already remarked that there are times in which I am
so unlike myself that I might be taken for a man of a direct
opposite disposition; I shall now give an example of this. M.
Reydelet, curate of Seyssel, was canon of St. Peter's, consequently
known to M. le Maitre, and one of the people from whom he should
have taken most pains to conceal himself; my advice, on the
contrary, was to present ourselves to him, and, under some pretext,
entreat entertainment as if we visited him by consent of the
chapter. Le Maitre adopted this idea, which seemed to give his revenge
an appearance of satire and waggery; in short, we went boldly to
Reydelet, who received us very kindly. Le Maitre told him he was going
to Bellay by desire of the bishop, that he might superintend the music
during the Easter holidays, and that he proposed returning that way in
a few days. To support this tale, I told a hundred others, so
naturally that M. Reydelet thought me a very agreeable youth, and
treated me with great friendship and civility. We were well regaled
and well lodged: M. Reydelet scarcely knew how to make enough of us;
and we parted the best friends in the world, with a promise to stop
longer on our return. We found it difficult to refrain form
laughter, or wait till we were alone to give free vent to our mirth:
indeed, even now, the bare recollection of it forces a smile, for
never was waggery better or more fortunately maintained. This would
have made us merry during the remainder of our journey, if M. le
Maitre (who did not cease drinking) had not been two or three times
attacked with a complaint that he afterwards became very subject to,
and which resembled an epilepsy. These fits threw me into the most
fearful embarrassments, from which I resolved to extricate myself with
the first opportunity.
According to the information given to M. Reydelet, we passed our
Easter holidays at Bellay, and though not expected there, were
received by the music-master, and welcomed by every one with great
pleasure. M. le Maitre was of considerable note in his profession,
and, indeed, merited that distinction. The music-master of Bellay (who
was fond of his own works) endeavored to obtain the approbation of
so good a judge; for besides being a connoisseur, M. le Maitre was
equitable, neither a jealous, ill-natured critic, nor a servile
flatterer. He was so superior to the generality of country
music-masters, and they were so sensible of it, that they treated
him rather as their chief than a brother musician.
Having passed four or five days very agreeably at Bellay, we
departed, and continuing our journey without meeting with any
accidents, except those I have just spoken of, arrived at Lyons, and
were lodged at Notre Dame de Pitie. While we waited for the arrival of
the before-mentioned case (which by the assistance of another lie, and
the care of our good patron, M. Reydelet, we had embarked on the
Rhone) M. le Maitre went to visit his acquaintance, and among others
Father Caton, a Cordelier, who will be spoken of hereafter, and the
Abbe Dortan, Count of Lyons, both of whom received him well, but
afterwards betrayed him, as will be seen presently; indeed, his good
fortune terminated with M. Reydelet.
Two days after our arrival at Lyons, as we passed a little street
not far from our inn, Le Maitre was attacked by one of his fits; but
it was now so violent as to give me the utmost alarm. I screamed
with terror, called for help, and naming our inn, entreated some one
to bear him to it; then (while the people were assembled, and busy
round a man that had fallen senseless in the street) he was
abandoned by the only friend on whom he could have any reasonable
dependence; I seized the instant when no one heeded me, turned the
corner of the street and disappeared. Thanks to Heaven, I have made my
third painful confession; if many such remained, I should certainly
abandon the work I have undertaken.
Of all the incidents I have yet related, a few traces are
remaining in the places where I then lived; but what I have to
relate in the following book is almost entirely unknown; these are the
greatest extravagancies of my life, and it is happy they had not a
worse conclusion. My head (if I may use the simile) screwed up to
the pitch of an instrument it did not naturally accord with, had
lost its diapason; in time it returned to it again, when I
discontinued my follies, or at least gave in to those more consonant
to my disposition. This epoch of my youth I am least able to
recollect, nothing having passed sufficiently interesting to influence
my heart, or make me clearly retrace the remembrance. In so many
successive changes, it is difficult not to make some transpositions of
time or place. I write absolutely from memory, without notes or
materials to help my recollection. Some events are as fresh in my idea
as if they had recently happened, but there are certain chasms which I
cannot fill up but by the aid of recital, as confused as the remaining
traces of those to which they refer. It is impossible, therefore, that
I may have erred in trifles, and perhaps shall again, but in every
matter of importance I can answer that the account is faithfully
exact, and with the same veracity the reader may depend I shall be
careful to continue it.
My resolution was soon taken after quitting Le Maitre; I set out
immediately for Annecy. The cause and mystery of our departure had
interested me for the security of our retreat: this interest, which
entirely employed my thoughts for some days, had banished every
other idea; but no sooner was I secure and in tranquility, than my
predominant sentiment regained its place. Nothing flattered, nothing
tempted me, I had no wish but to return to Madam de Warrens; the
tenderness and truth of my attachment to her had rooted from my
heart all the follies of ambition; I conceived no happiness but living
near her, nor could I take a step without feeling that the distance
between us was increased. I returned, therefore, as soon as
possible, with such speed, and with my spirits in such a state of
agitation, that though I recall with pleasure all my other travels,
I have not the least recollection of this, only remembering my leaving
Lyons and reaching Annecy. Let any one judge whether this last event
can have slipped my memory, when informed that on my arrival I found
Madam de Warrens was not there, having set out for Paris.
I was never well informed of the motives of this journey. I am
certain she would have told me had I asked her, but never was man less
curious to learn the secrets of his friend. My heart is ever so
entirely filled with the present, or with past pleasures, which become
a principal part of my enjoyment, that there is not a chink or
corner for curiosity to enter. All that I conceive from what I heard
of it, is, that in the revolution caused at Turin by the abdication of
the King of Sardinia, she feared being forgotten, and was willing by
favor of the intrigues of M. d'Aubonne to seek the same advantage in
the court of France, where she has often told me she should have
preferred it, as the multiplicity of business there prevents your
conduct from being so closely inspected. If this was her business,
it is astonishing that on her return she was not ill received; be that
as it will, she continued to enjoy her allowance without any
interruption. Many people imagined she was charged with some secret
commission, either by the bishop, who then had business at the court
of France, where he himself was soon after obliged to go, or some
one yet more powerful, who knew how to insure her a gracious reception
at her return. If this was the case, it is certain the ambassadress
was not ill chosen, since being young and handsome, she had all the
necessary qualifications to succeed in a negotiation.
BOOK IV
[1731-1732]
LET any one judge my surprise and grief at not finding her on my
arrival. I now felt regret at having abandoned M. le Maitre, and my
uneasiness increased when I learned the misfortunes that had
befallen him. His box of music, containing all his fortune, that
precious box, preserved with so much care and fatigue, had been seized
on at Lyons by means of Count Dortan, who had received information
from the Chapter of our having absconded with it. In vain did Le
Maitre reclaim his property, his means of existence, the labor of
his life; his right to the music in question was at least subject to
litigation, but even that liberty was not allowed him, the affair
being instantly decided on the principle of superior strength. Thus
poor Le Maitre lost the fruit of his talents, the labor of his
youth, and principal dependence for the support of old age.
Nothing was wanting to render the news I had received truly
afflicting, but I was at an age when even the greatest calamities
are to be sustained; accordingly I soon found consolation. I
expected shortly to hear news of Madam de Warrens, though I was
ignorant of the address, and she knew nothing of my return. As to my
desertion of Le Maitre (all things considered) I did not find it so
very culpable. I had been serviceable to him in his retreat; it was
not in my power to give him any further assistance. Had I remained
with him in France it would not have cured his complaint. I could
not have saved his music, and should only have doubled his expense: in
this point of view I then saw my conduct; I see it otherwise now. It
frequently happens that a villainous action does not torment us at the
instant we commit it, but on recollection, and sometimes even after
a number of years have elapsed, for the remembrance of crimes is not
to be extinguished.
The only means I had to obtain news of Madam de Warrens was to
remain at Annecy. Where should I seek her at Paris? or how bear the
expense of such a journey? Sooner or later, there was no place where I
could be so certain to hear of her as that I was now at; this
consideration determined me to remain there, though my conduct was but
indifferent. I did not go to the bishop, who had already befriended
me, and might continue to do so: my patroness was not present, and I
feared his reprimands on the subject of our flight; neither did I go
to the seminary; M. Gros was no longer there; in short, I went to none
of my acquaintance. I would gladly have visited the intendant's
lady, but did not dare; I did worse, I sought out M. Venture, whom
(notwithstanding my enthusiasm) I had never thought of since my
departure. I found him quite gay, in high spirits, and the universal
favorite of the ladies of Annecy.
This success completed my infatuation; I saw nothing but M. Venture;
he almost made me forget even Madam de Warrens. That I might profit
more at ease by his instructions and example, I proposed to share
his lodging, to which he readily consented. It was at a shoemaker's; a
pleasant, jovial fellow, who, in his country dialect, called his
wife nothing but trollop; an appellation which she certainly
merited. Venture took care to augment their differences, though
under an appearance of doing the direct contrary, throwing out in a
distant manner, and provincial accent, hints that produced the
utmost effect, and furnished such scenes as were sufficient to make
any one die with laughter. Thus the mornings passed without our
thinking of them; at two or three o'clock we took some refreshment.
Venture then went to his various engagements, where he supped, while I
walked alone, meditating on his great merit, coveting and admiring his
rare talents, and cursing my own unlucky stars, that did not call me
to so happy a life. How little did I then know of myself! mine had
been a hundred times more delightful, had I not been such a fool, or
known better how to enjoy it.
Madam de Warrens had taken no one with her but Anet: Merceret, her
chambermaid, whom I have before mentioned, still remained in the
house. Merceret was something older than myself, not pretty, but
tolerably agreeable; good-natured, free from malice, having no fault
to my knowledge but being a little refractory with her mistress. I
often went to see her; she was an old acquaintance, who recalled to my
remembrance one more beloved, and this made her dear to me. She had
several friends, and among others one Mademoiselle Giraud, a Genevese,
who, for the punishment of my sins, took it in her head to have an
inclination for me, always pressing Merceret, when she returned her
visits, to bring me with her. As I liked Merceret, I felt no
disinclination to accompany her; besides, I met there with other young
people whose company pleased me. For Mademoiselle Giraud, who
offered every kind of enticement, nothing could increase the
aversion I had for her. When she drew near me, with her dried black
snout, smeared with Spanish snuff, it was with the utmost difficulty
that I could refrain from expressing my distaste; but, being pleased
with her visitors, I took patience. Among these were two girls who
(either to pay their court to Mademoiselle Giraud or myself) paid me
every possible attention. I conceived this to be only friendship;
but have since thought it depended only on myself to have discovered
something more, though I did not even think of it at the time.
There was another reason for my stupidity. Seamstresses,
chambermaids, or milliners, never tempted me; I sighed for ladies!
Every one has his peculiar taste, this has ever been mine; being in
this particular of a different opinion from Horace. Yet it is not
vanity of riches or rank that attracts me; it is a well-preserved
complexion, fine hands, elegance of ornaments, an air of delicacy
and neatness throughout the whole person: more in taste, in the manner
of expressing themselves, a finer or better made gown, a well-turned
ankle, small foot, ribbons, lace, and well-dressed hair: I even prefer
those who have less natural beauty, provided they are elegantly
decorated. I freely confess this preference is very ridiculous; yet my
heart gives in to it spite of my understanding. Well, even this
advantage presented itself, and it only depended on my own
resolution to have seized the opportunity.
How do I love, from time to time, to return to those moments of my
youth, which were so charmingly delightful; so short, so scarce, and
enjoyed at so cheap a rate!- how fondly do I wish to dwell on them!
Even yet the remembrance of these scenes warms my heart with a
chaste rapture, which appears necessary to reanimate my drooping
courage, and enable me to sustain the weariness of my latter days.
The appearance of Aurora seemed so delightful one morning that,
putting on my clothes, I hastened into the country, to see the
rising of the sun. I enjoyed that pleasure in its utmost extent; it
was one week after midsummer; the earth was covered with verdure and
flowers, the nightingales, whose soft warblings were almost concluded,
seemed to vie with each other, and in concert with birds of various
kinds to bid adieu to spring, and hail the approach of a beautiful
summer's day: one of those lovely days that are no longer to be
enjoyed at my age, and which have never been seen on the melancholy
soil I now inhabit.
I had rambled insensibly, to a considerable distance the town- the
heat augmented- I was walking in the shade along a valley, by the side
of a brook, I heard behind me the step of horses, and the voice of
some females who, though they seemed embarrassed, did not laugh the
less heartily on that account. I turn round, hear myself called by
name, and approaching, find two young people of my acquaintance,
excellent horsewomen, could not make their horses cross the rivulet.
having been sent from that country for some youthful folly, had
imitated Madam de Warrens, at whose house I had sometimes seen her;
but not having, like her, a pension, she had been fortunate in this
attachment to Mademoiselle Galley, who had prevailed on her mother
to engage her young friend as a companion, till she could be otherwise
provided for. Mademoiselle Galley was one year younger than her
friend, handsomer, more delicate, more ingenious, and, to complete
all, extremely well made. They loved each other tenderly, and the good
disposition of both could not fail to render their union durable, if
some lover did not derange it. They informed me they were going to
Toune, an old castle belonging to Madam Galley, and implored my
assistance to make their horses cross the stream, not being able to
compass it themselves. I would have given each a cut or two with the
whip, but they feared I might be kicked, and themselves thrown; I
therefore had recourse to another expedient, I took hold of
Mademoiselle Galley's horse and led him through the brook, the water
reaching half-way up my legs. The other followed without any
difficulty. This done, I would have paid my compliments to the ladies,
and walked off like a great booby as I was, but after whispering
escape thus; you have got wet in our service, and we ought in
conscience to take care and dry you. If you please you must go with
us, you are now our prisoner." My heart began to beat- I looked at
Mademoiselle Galley- "Yes, yes," added she, laughing at my fearful
look, "our prisoner of war; come, get up behind her, we shall give a
good account of you." "But, mademoiselle," continued I, "I have not
the honor to be acquainted with your mother; what will she say on my
Toune, we are alone, we shall return at night, and you shall come
back with us."
The stroke of electricity has not a more instantaneous effect than
trembled with joy, and when it became necessary to clasp her in
order to hold myself on, my heart beat so violently that she perceived
it, and told me hers beat also from a fear of falling. In my present
posture, I might naturally have considered this an invitation to
satisfy myself of the truth of her assertion, yet I did not dare,
and during the whole way my arms served as a girdle (a very close one.
I must confess), without being a moment displaced. Some women that may
read this would be for giving me a box on the ear, and, truly, I
deserved it.
The gayety of the journey, and the chat of these girls, so enlivened
me, that during the whole time we passed together we never ceased
talking a moment. They had set me so thoroughly at ease, that my
tongue spoke as fast as my eyes, though not exactly the same things.
Some minutes, indeed, when I was left alone with either, the
conversation became a little embarrassed, but neither of them was
absent long enough to allow time for explaining the cause.
Arrived at Toune, and myself well dried, we breakfasted together;
after which it was necessary to settle the important business of
preparing dinner. The young ladies cooked, kissing from time to time
the farmer's children, while the poor scullion looked on grumbling.
Provisions had been sent for from town, and there was everything
necessary for a good dinner, but unhappily they had forgotten wine;
this forgetfulness was by no means astonishing in girls who seldom
drank any, but I was sorry for the omission, as I had reckoned on
its help, thinking it might add to my confidence. They were sorry
likewise, and perhaps from the same motive; though I had no reason
to say this, for their lively and charming gayety was innocence
itself; besides, there were two of them, what could they expect from
me? They went everywhere about the neighborhood to seek for wine,
but none could be procured, so pure and sober are the peasants in
those parts. As they were expressing their concern, I begged them
not to give themselves any uneasiness on my account, for while with
them I had no occasion for wine to intoxicate me. This was the only
gallantry I ventured at during the whole of the day, and I believe the
sly rogues saw well enough that I said nothing but the truth.
We dined in the kitchen: the two friends were seated on the benches,
one on each side the long table, and their guest at the end, between
them, on a three-legged stool. What a dinner! how charming the
remembrance! While we can enjoy, at so small an expense, such pure,
such true delights, why should we be solicitous for others? Never
did those petite soupers, so celebrated in Paris, equal this; I do not
only say for real pleasure and gayety, but even for sensuality.
After dinner, we were economical; instead of drinking the coffee
we had reserved at breakfast, we kept it for an afternoon collation,
with cream, and some cakes they had brought with them. To keep our
appetites in play, we went into the orchard, meaning to finish our
dessert with cherries. I got into a tree, throwing them down
bunches, from which they returned the stones through the branches. One
time, Mademoiselle Galley, holding out her apron, and drawing back her
head, stood so fair, and I took such good aim, that I dropped a
bunch into her bosom. On her laughing, I said to myself, "Why are
not my lips cherries? how gladly would I throw them there likewise!"
Thus the day passed with the greatest freedom, yet with the utmost
decency; not a single equivocal word, not one attempt at
double-meaning pleasantry; yet this delicacy was not affected, we only
performed the parts our hearts dictated; in short, my modesty, some
will say my folly, was such that the greatest familiarity that escaped
me was once kissing the hand of Mademoiselle Galley; it is true, the
attending circumstances helped to stamp a value on this trifling
favor; we were alone, I was embarrassed, her eyes were fixed on the
ground, and my lips, instead of uttering words, were pressed on her
hand, which she drew gently back after the salute, without any
appearance of displeasure. I know not what I should have said to
her, but her friend entered, and at that moment I thought her ugly.
At length, they bethought themselves, that they must return to
town before night; even now we had but just time to reach it by
daylight; and we hastened our departure in the same order we came. Had
I pleased myself, I should certainly have reversed this order, for the
glance of Mademoiselle Galley had reached my heart, but I dared not
mention it, and the proposal could not reasonably come from her. On
the way, we expressed our sorrow that the day was over, but far from
complaining of the shortness of its duration, we were conscious of
having prolonged it by every possible amusement.
I quitted them in nearly the same spot where I had taken them up.
With what regret did we part! With what pleasure did we form
projects to renew our meeting! Delightful hours, which we passed
innocently together, ye were worth ages of familiarity! The sweet
remembrance of this day cost those amiable girls nothing; the tender
union which reigned among us equaled more lively pleasure, with
which it could not have existed. We loved each other without shame
or mystery, and wished to continue our reciprocal affection. There
is a species of enjoyment connected with innocence of manners which is
superior to any other, because it has no interval; for myself, the
remembrance of such a day touches me nearer, delights me more, and
returns with greater rapture to my heart, than any other pleasures I
ever tasted. I hardly knew what I wished with those charming girls.
I do not say, that had the arrangement been in my power, I should have
divided my heart between them; I certainly felt some degree of
preference: though I should have been happy to have had Mademoiselle
better as a confidante; be that as it may, I felt on leaving them as
though I could not live without either. Who would have thought that
I should never see them more; and that here our ephemeral amours
must end?
Those who read this will not fail to laugh at my gallantries, and
remark, that after very promising preliminaries, my most forward
adventures concluded by a kiss of the hand: yet be not mistaken,
reader, in your estimate of my enjoyments; I have, perhaps, tasted
more real pleasure in my amours, which concluded by a kiss of the
hand, than you will ever have in yours, which, at least, begin there.
Venture, who had gone to bed late the night before, came in soon
after me. I did not now see him with my usual satisfaction, and took
care not to inform him how I had passed the day. The ladies had spoken
of him slightingly, and appeared discontented at finding me in such
bad hands; this hurt him in my esteem; besides, whatever diverted my
ideas from them was at this time disagreeable. However, he soon
brought me back to him and myself, by speaking of the situation of
my affairs, which was too critical to last; for, though I spent very
little, my slender finances were almost exhausted. I was without
resource; no news of Madam de Warrens; not knowing what would become
of me, and feeling a cruel pang at heart to see the friend of
Mademoiselle Galley reduced to beggary.
I now learned from Venture that he had spoken of me to the Judge
Major, and would take me next day to dine with him; that he was a
man who by means of his friends might render me essential service.
In other respects he was a desirable acquaintance, being a man of
wit and letters, of agreeable conversation, one who possessed
talents and loved them in others. After this discourse (mingling the
most serious concerns with the most trifling frivolity) he showed me a
pretty couplet, which came from Paris, on an air in one of Mouret's
operas, which was then playing. Monsieur Simon (the judge major) was
so pleased with this couplet, that he determined to make another in
answer to it, on the same air. He had desired Venture to write one,
and he wished me to make a third, that, as he expressed it, they might
see couplets start up next day like incidents in a comic romance.
In the night (not being able to sleep) I composed a couplet, as my
first essay in poetry. It was passable; better, or at least composed
with more taste, than it would have been the preceding night, the
subject being tenderness, to which my heart was now entirely disposed.
In the morning I showed my performance to Venture, who, being
pleased with the couplet, put it in his pocket, without informing me
whether he had made his. We dined with M. Simon, who treated us very
politely. The conversation was agreeable; indeed it could not be
otherwise between two men of natural good sense, improved by
reading. For me, I acted my proper part, which was to listen without
attempting to join in the conversation. Neither of them mentioned
the couplet, nor do I know that it ever passed for mine.
M. Simon appeared satisfied with my behavior; indeed, it was
almost all he saw of me in this interview. We had often met at Madam
de Warrens', but he had never paid much attention to me; it is from
this dinner, therefore, that I date our acquaintance, which, though of
no use in regard to the object I then had in view, was afterwards
productive of advantages which make me recollect it with pleasure.
I should be wrong not to give some account of his person, since from
his office of magistrate, and the reputation of wit on which he piqued
himself, no idea could be formed of it. The judge major, Simon,
certainly was not two feet high; his legs spare, straight, and
tolerably long, would have added something to his stature had they
been vertical, but they stood in the direction of an open pair of
compasses. His body was not only short, but thin, being in every
respect of most inconceivable smallness- when naked he must have
appeared like a grasshopper. His head was of the common size, to which
appertained a well-formed face, a noble look, and tolerably fine eyes;
in short, it appeared a borrowed head, stuck on a miserable stump.
He might very well have dispensed with dress, for his large wig
alone covered him from head to foot.
He had two voices, perfectly different, which intermingled
perpetually in his conversation, forming at first a diverting, but
afterwards a very disagreeable contrast. One grave and sonorous,
was, if I may hazard the expression, the voice of his head: the other,
clear, sharp, and piercing, the voice of his body. When he paid
particular attention, and spoke leisurely, so as to preserve his
breath, he could continue his deep tone; but if he was the least
animated, or attempted a lively accent, his voice sounded like the
whistling of a key, and it was with the utmost difficulty that he
could return to the bass.
With the figure I have just described, and which is by no means
overcharged, M. Simon was gallant, ever entertaining the ladies with
soft tales, and carrying the decoration of his person even to foppery.
Willing to make use of every advantage he, during the morning, gave
audience in bed, for when a handsome head was discovered on the pillow
no one could have imagined what belonged to it. This circumstance gave
birth to scenes, which I am certain are yet remembered by all Annecy.
One morning, when he expected to give audience in bed, or rather
on the bed, having on a handsome night-cap ornamented with
rose-colored ribbon, a countryman arriving knocked at the door; the
maid happened to be out; the judge, therefore, hearing the knock
repeated, cried "Come in," and, as he spoke rather loud, it was in his
shrill tone. The man entered, looked about, endeavoring to discover
whence the female voice proceeded, and at length seeing a handsome
head-dress set off with ribbons, was about to leave the room, making
the supposed lady a hundred apologies. M. Simon, in a rage, screamed
the more; and the countryman, yet more confirmed in his opinion,
conceiving himself to be insulted, began railing in his turn, saying
that, "Apparently, she was nothing better than a common street-walker,
and that the judge major should be ashamed of setting such ill
examples." The enraged magistrate, having no other weapon than the
jorden under his bed, was just going to throw it at the poor
fellow's head as his servant returned.
This dwarf, ill-used by nature as to his person, was recompensed
by possessing an understanding naturally agreeable, and which he had
been careful to cultivate. Though he was esteemed a good lawyer, he
did not like his profession, delighting more in the finer parts of
literature, which he studied with success: above all, he possessed
that superficial brilliancy, the art of pleasing in conversation, even
with the ladies. He knew by heart a number of little stories, which he
perfectly well knew how to make the most of; relating with an air of
secrecy, and as an anecdote of yesterday, what happened sixty years
before. He understood music, and could sing agreeably; in short, for a
magistrate, he had many pleasing talents. By flattering the ladies
of Annecy, he became fashionable among them, appearing continually
in their train. He even pretended to favors, at which they were much
amused. A Madam D'Epigny used to say "The greatest favor he could
aspire to, was to kiss a lady on her knees."
As he was well read, and spoke fluently, his conversation was both
amusing and instructive. When I afterwards took a taste for study, I
cultivated his acquaintance, and found my account in it: when at
Chambery, I frequently went from thence to see him. His praises
increased my emulation, to which he added some good advice
respecting the prosecution of my studies, which I found useful.
Unhappily, this weakly body contained a very feeling soul. Some
years after, he was chagrined by I know not what unlucky affair, but
it cost him his life. This was really unfortunate, for he was a good
little man, whom at a first acquaintance one laughed at, but
afterwards loved. Though our situations in life were very little
connected with each other, as I received some useful lessons from him,
I thought gratitude demanded that I should dedicate a few sentences to
his memory.
As soon as I found myself at liberty, I ran into the street where
Mademoiselle Galley lived, flattering myself that I should see some
one go in or out, or at least open a window, but I was mistaken, not
even a cat appeared, the house remaining as close all the time as if
it had been uninhabited. The street was small and lonely, any one
loitering about was, consequently, more likely to be noticed; from
time to time people passed in and out of the neighborhood; I was
much embarrassed, thinking my person might be known, and the cause
that brought me there conjectured; this idea tortured me, for I have
ever preferred the honor and happiness of those I love to my own
pleasures.
At length, weary of playing the Spanish lover, and having no guitar,
I determined to write to Mademoiselle de Graffenried. I should have
preferred writing to her friend, but did not dare take that liberty,
as it appeared more proper to begin with her to whom I owed the
acquaintance, and with whom I was most familiar. Having written my
letter, I took it to Mademoiselle Giraud, as the young ladies had
agreed at parting, they having furnished me with this expedient.
Mademoiselle Giraud was a quilter, and sometimes worked at Madam
Galley's, which procured her free admission to the house. I must
confess, I was not thoroughly satisfied with this messenger, but was
cautious of starting difficulties, fearing that if I objected to her
no other might be named, and it was impossible to intimate that she
had an inclination to me herself. I even felt humiliated that she
should think I could imagine her of the same sex as those young
ladies: in a word, I accepted her agency rather than none, and availed
myself of it at all events.
At the very first word, Giraud discovered me. I must own this was
not a difficult matter, for if sending a letter to young girls had not
spoken sufficiently plain, my foolish embarrassed air would have
betrayed me. It will easily be supposed that the employment gave her
little satisfaction, she undertook it, however, and performed it
faithfully. The next morning I ran to her house and found an answer
ready for me. How did I hurry away that I might have an opportunity to
read and kiss it alone! though this need not be told, but the plan
adopted by Mademoiselle Giraud (and in which I found more delicacy and
moderation than I had expected) should. She had sense enough to
conclude, that her thirty-seven years, hare's eyes, daubed nose,
shrill voice, and black skin, stood no chance against two elegant
young girls, in all the height and bloom of beauty; she resolved,
therefore, neither to betray nor assist them, choosing rather to
lose me entirely than entertain me for them.
As Merceret had not heard from her mistress for some time, she
thought of returning to Fribourg, and the persuasions of Giraud
determined her; nay more, she intimated it was proper some one
should conduct her to her father's, and proposed me. As I happened
to be agreeable to little Merceret, she approved the idea, and the
same day they mentioned it to me as a fixed point. Finding nothing
displeasing in the manner they had disposed of me, I consented,
thinking it could not be above a week's journey at most; but Giraud,
who had arranged the whole affair, thought otherwise. It was necessary
to avow the state of my finances, and the conclusion was, that
Merceret should defray my expenses; but to retrench on one hand what
was expended on the older, I advised that her little baggage should be
sent on before, and that we should proceed by easy journeys on foot.
I am sorry to have so many girls in love with me, but as there is
nothing to be very vain of in the success of these amours, I think I
may tell the truth without scruple. Merceret, younger and less
artful than Giraud, never made me so many advances, but she imitated
my manners, my actions repeated my words, and showed me all those
little attentions I ought to have had for her. Being very timorous,
she took great care that we should both sleep in the same chamber; a
circumstance that usually produces some consequences between a lad
of twenty and a girl of twenty-five.
For once, however, it went no further; my simplicity being such,
that though Merceret was by no means a disagreeable girl, an idea of
gallantry never entered my head, and even if it had, I was too great a
novice to have profited by it. I could not imagine how two young
persons could bring themselves to sleep together, thinking that such
familiarity must require an age of preparation. If poor Merceret
paid my expenses in hopes of any return, she was terribly cheated, for
we arrived at Fribourg exactly as we had quitted Annecy.
I passed through Geneva without visiting any one. While going over
the bridges, I found myself so affected that I could scarcely proceed.
Never could I see the walls of that city, never could I enter it,
without feeling my heart sink from excess of tenderness, at the same
time that the image of liberty elevated my soul. The ideas of
equality, union, and gentleness of manners, touched me even to
tears, and inspired me with a lively regret at having forfeited all
these advantages. What an error was I in! but yet how natural! I
imagined I saw all this in my native country, because I bore it in
my heart.
It was necessary to pass through Nion: could I do this without
seeing my good father? Had I resolved on doing so, I must afterwards
have died with regret. I left Merceret at the inn, and ventured to his
house. How wrong was I to fear him! On seeing me, his soul gave way to
the parental tenderness with which it was filled. What tears were
mingled with our embraces! He thought I was returned to him: I related
my history, and informed him of my resolution. He opposed it feebly,
mentioning the dangers to which I exposed myself, and telling me the
shortest follies were best, but did not attempt to keep me by force,
in which particular I think he acted right; but it is certain he did
not do everything in his power to retain me, even by fair means.
Whether after the step I had taken, he thought I ought not to
return, or was puzzled at my age to know what to do with me- I have
since found that he conceived a very unjust opinion of my traveling
companion. My step-mother, a good woman, a little coaxingly put on
an appearance of wishing me to stay and sup; I did not, however,
comply, but told them I proposed remaining longer with them on my
return; leaving as a deposit my little packet, that had come by water,
and would have been an incumbrance, had I taken it with me. I
continued my journey the next morning, well satisfied that I had
seen my father, and had taken courage to do my duty.
We arrived without any accident at Fribourg. Towards the
conclusion of the journey, the politeness of Mademoiselle Merceret
rather diminished, and, after our arrival, she treated me even with
coldness. Her father, who was not in the best circumstances, did not
show me much attention, and I was obliged to lodge at an ale-house.
I went to see them the next morning, and received an invitation to
dine there, which I accepted. We separated without tears at night; I
returned to my paltry lodging, and departed the second day after my
arrival, almost without knowing whither to go to.
This was a circumstance of my life in which Providence offered me
precisely what was necessary to make my days pass happily. Merceret
was a good girl, neither witty, handsome, nor ugly; not very lively,
but tolerably rational, except while under the influence of some
little humors, which usually evaporated in tears, without any
violent outbreak of temper. She had a real inclination for me; I might
have married her without difficulty, and followed her father's
business. My taste for music would have made me love her; I should
have settled at Fribourg, a small town, not pretty, but inhabited by
very worthy people- I should certainly have missed great pleasures,
but should have lived in peace to my last hour, and I must know best
what I should have gained by such a step.
I did not return to Nion, but to Lausanne, wishing to gratify myself
with a view of that beautiful lake which is seen there in its utmost
extent. The greater part of my secret motives have not been so
reasonable. Distant expectation has rarely strength enough to
influence my actions; the uncertainty of the future ever making me
regard projects whose execution requires a length of time as deceitful
lures. I give in to visionary scenes of hope as well as others,
provided they cost nothing, but if attended with any trouble, I have
done with them. The smallest, the most trifling pleasure that is
conveniently within my reach, tempts me more than all the joys of
paradise. I must except, however, those pleasures which are
necessarily followed by pain; I only love those enjoyments which are
unadulterated, which can never be the case where we are conscious they
must be followed by repentance.
It was necessary I should arrive at some place, and the nearest
was best; for having lost my way on the road, I found myself in the
evening at Moudon, where I spent all that remained of my little
stock except ten creuzers, which served to purchase my next day's
dinner. Arriving in the evening at Lausanne, I went into an ale-house,
without a penny in my pocket to pay for my lodging, or knowing what
would become of me. I found myself extremely hungry- setting,
therefore, a good face on the matter, I ordered supper, made my
meal, went to bed without thought and slept with great composure. In
the morning, having breakfasted and reckoned with my host, I offered
to leave my waistcoat in pledge for seven batz, which was the amount
of my expenses. The honest man refused this, saying, thank Heaven,
he had never stripped any one, and would not now begin for seven batz;
adding I should keep my waistcoat and pay him when I could. I was
affected with this unexpected kindness, but felt it less than I
ought to have done, or have since experienced on the remembrance of
it. I did not fail sending him his money, with thanks, by one I
could depend on. Fifteen years after, passing Lausanne, on my return
from Italy, I felt a sensible regret at having forgotten the name of
the landlord and house. I wished to see him, and should have felt real
pleasure in recalling to his memory that worthy action. Services,
which doubtless have been much more important, but rendered with
ostentation, have not appeared to me so worthy of gratitude as the
simple unaffected humanity of this honest man.
As I approached Lausanne, I thought of my distress, and the means of
extricating myself, without appearing in want to my step-mother. I
compared myself, in this walking pilgrimage, to my friend Venture,
on his arrival at Annecy, and was so warmed with the ideal that
without recollecting that I had neither his gentility nor his talents,
I determined to act the part of little Venture at Lausanne, to teach
music, which I did not understand, and say I came from Paris, where
I had never been.
In consequence of this noble project (as there was no company
where I could introduce myself without expense, and not choosing to
venture among professional people), I inquired for some little inn,
where I could lodge cheap, and was directed to one named Perrotet, who
took in boarders. This Perrotet, who was one of the best men in the
world, received me very kindly, and after having heard my feigned
story and profession, promised to speak of me, and endeavored to
procure me scholars, saying he could not expect any money till I had
earned it. His price for board, though moderate in itself, was a great
deal to me; he advised me, therefore, to begin with half board,
which consisted of good soup only for dinner, but a plentiful supper
at night. I closed with this proposition, and the poor Perrotet
trusted me with great cheerfulness, sparing, meantime, no trouble to
be useful to me.
Having found so many good people in my youth, why do I find so few
in my age? Is their race extinct? No; but I do not seek them in the
same situation I did formerly, among the commonalty, where violent
passions predominate only at intervals, and where nature speaks her
genuine sentiments. In more elevated stations they are entirely
smothered, and under the mask of sentiment, only interest or vanity is
heard.
Having written to my father from Lausanne, he sent my packet and
some excellent advice, of which I should have profited better. I
have already observed that I have moments of inconceivable delirium,
in which I am entirely out of myself. The adventure I am about to
relate is an instance of this: to comprehend how completely my brain
was turned, and to what degree I had Venturised (if I may be allowed
the expression), the many extravagancies I ran into at the same time
should be considered. Behold me, then, a singing master, without
knowing how to note a common song; for if the five or six months
passed with Le Maitre had improved me, they could not be supposed
sufficient to qualify me for such an undertaking; besides, being
taught by a master was enough (as I have before observed) to make me
learn ill. Being a Parisian from Geneva, and a Catholic in a
Protestant country, I thought I should change my name with my an y
religion and country. He called himself Venture de Villeneuve. I
changed, by anagram, the name Rousseau into that of Vaussore,
calling myself Monsieur Vaussore de Villeneuve. Venture was a good
composer, though he had not said so; without knowing anything of the
art, I boasted of my skill to every one. This was not all: being
presented to Monsieur de Freytorens, professor of law, who loved
music, and who gave concerts at his house, nothing would do but I must
give him a proof of my talents, and accordingly I set about
composing a piece for his concerts, as boldly as if I had really
understood the science. I tacked a pretty minuet to the end of it,
that was played about the streets, and which many may remember from
these words, so well known at that time:
Quelle caprice!
Quelle injustice!
Quoi! ta Clarice
Trahiriait tes feux! etc.
Venture had taught me this air with the bass, set to other words, by
the help of which I had retained it: thus at the end of my
composition, I put this minuet and his bass, suppressing the words,
and uttering it for my own as confidently as if I had been speaking to
the inhabitants of the moon. They assemble to perform my piece; I
explain to each the movement, taste of execution, and references to
his part- I was fully occupied. They were five or six minutes
preparing, which were for me so many ages: at length, everything is
adjusted, myself in a conspicuous situation, a fine roll of paper in
my hand, gravely preparing to beat time. I gave four or five strokes
with my paper, attending with "Attention!" they begin- No, never since
French operas existed was there such a confused discord! The musicians
could not keep from laughing; the audience opened their eyes wide
and would like to shut their ears, but that was impossible. The
musicians made merry and scraped their violins enough to burst your
eardrums. I had the constancy to go through the performance, but large
drops of perspiration were standing on my forehead, and it was only
shame that prevented me from running away. I heard the assistants
whisper to each other or rather to me: "It is pretty hard to stand!"
Poor Jean-Jacques, in this cruel moment you little thought, that one
day, in the presence of the King of France and his whole court, your
sounds should produce murmurs of surprise and applaud, and that lovely
women in the boxes should tell each other in a whisper: "What charming
music! What beautiful sounds!"
Next day, one of the musicians, named Lutold, came to see me and was
kind enough to congratulate me on my success. The profound
conviction of my folly, shame, regret, and the state of despair to
which I was reduced, with the impossibility of concealing the cruel
agitation of my heart, made me open it to him; giving, therefore, a,
loose to my tears, not content with owning my ignorance, I told all,
conjuring him to secrecy; he kept his word, as every one will suppose.
The same evening, all Lausanne knew who I was, but what is remarkable,
no one seemed to know, not even the good Perrotet, who
(notwithstanding what had happened) continued to lodge and board me.
I led a melancholy life here; the consequences of such an essay
had not rendered Lausanne a very agreeable residence. Scholars did not
present themselves in crowds, not a single female, and no person of
the city. I had only two or three great dunces, as stupid as I was
ignorant, who fatigued me to death, and in my hands were not likely to
edify much.
At length, I was sent for to a house, where a little serpent of a
girl amused herself by showing me a parcel of music that I could not
read a note of, and which she had the malice to sing before her
master, to teach him how it should be executed; for I was so unable to
read an air at first sight, that in the charming concert I have just
described, I could not possibly follow the execution a moment, or know
whether they played truly what lay before them, and I myself had
composed.
In the midst of so many humiliating circumstances, I had the
pleasing consolation, from time to time, of receiving letters from
my two charming friends. I have ever found the utmost consolatory
virtue in the fair; when in disgrace, nothing softens my affliction
more than to be sensible that an amiable woman is interested for me.
This correspondence ceased soon after, and was never renewed: indeed
it was my own fault, for in changing situations I neglected sending my
address, and forced by necessity to think perpetually of myself, I
soon forgot them.
It is a long time since I mentioned Madam de Warrens, but it
should not be supposed I had forgotten her; never was she a moment
absent from my thoughts. I anxiously wished to find her, not merely
because she was necessary to my subsistence, but because she was
infinitely more necessary to my heart. My attachment to her (though
lively and tender, as it really was) did not prevent my loving others,
but then it was not in the same manner. All equally claimed my
tenderness for their charms, but it was those charms alone I loved, my
passion would not have survived them, while Madam de Warrens might
have become old or ugly without my loving her the less tenderly. My
heart had entirely transmitted to herself the homage it first paid
to her beauty, and whatever change she might experience, while she
remained herself, my sentiments could not change. I was sensible how
much gratitude I owed to her, but in truth, I never thought of it, and
whether she served me or not, it would ever have been the same
thing. I loved her neither from duty, interest, nor convenience; I
loved her because I was born to love her. During my attachment to
another, I own this affection was in some measure deranged; I did
not think so frequently of her, but still with the same pleasure,
and never, in love or otherwise, did I think of her without feeling
that I could expect no true happiness in life while in a state of
separation.
Though in so long a time I had received no news from Madam de
Warrens, I never imagined I had entirely lost her, or that she could
have forgotten me. I said to myself, she will know sooner or later
that I am wandering about, and will find some means to inform me of
her situation: I am certain I shall find her. In the meantime, it
was a pleasure to live in her native country, to walk in the streets
where she had walked, and before the houses that she had lived in; yet
all this was the work of conjecture, for one of my foolish
peculiarities was, not daring to inquire after her, or even
pronounce her name without the most absolute necessity. It seemed in
speaking of her that I declared all I felt, that my lips revealed
the secrets of my heart, and in some degree injured the object of my
affection. I believe fear was likewise mingled with this idea; I
dreaded to hear ill of her. Her management had been much spoken of,
and some little of her conduct in other respects; fearing,
therefore, that something might be said which I did not wish to
hear, I preferred being silent on the subject.
As my scholars did not take up much of my time, and the town where
she was born was not above four leagues from Lausanne, I made it a
walk of three or four days; during which time a most pleasant
emotion never left me. A view of the Lake of Geneva and its
admirable banks, had ever, in my idea, a particular attraction which I
cannot describe; not arising merely from the beauty of the prospect,
but something else, I know not why, more interesting, which affects
and softens me. Every time I have approached the Vaudois country I
have experienced an impression composed of the remembrance of Madam de
Warrens, who was born there; of my father, who lived there; of Miss
Vulson, who had been my first love, and of several pleasant journeys I
had made there in my childhood, mingled with some nameless charm, more
powerfully attractive than all the rest. When that ardent desire for a
life of happiness and tranquility (which ever follows me, and for
which I was born) inflames my mind, 'tis ever to the country of
Vaud, near the lake, in those charming plains, that imagination
leads me. An orchard on the banks of that lake, and no other, is
absolutely necessary; a firm friend, an amiable woman, a cow, and a
little boat; nor could I enjoy perfect happiness on earth without
these concomitants. I laugh at the simplicity with which I have
several times gone into that country for the sole purpose of seeking
this imaginary happiness when I was ever surprised to find the
inhabitants, particularly the women, of a quite different
disposition to what I sought. How strange did this appear to me! The
country and people who inhabit it, were never, in my idea, formed
for each other.
Walking along these beautiful banks, on my way to Vevay, I gave
myself up to the soft melancholy; my heart rushed with ardor into a
thousand innocent felicities; melting to tenderness, I sighed and wept
like a child. How often, stopping to weep more at my ease, and
seated on a large stone, did I amuse myself with seeing my tears
drop into the water.
On my arrival at Vevay, I lodged at the Key, and during the two days
I remained there, without any acquaintance, conceived a love for
that city, which has followed me through all my travels, and was
finally the cause that I fixed on this spot, in the novel I afterwards
wrote, for the residence of my hero and heroines. I would say to any
one who has taste and feeling, go to Vevay, visit the surrounding
country, examine the prospects, go on the lake and then say, whether
nature has not designed this country for a Julia, a Clara, and a St.
Preux; but do not seek them there. I now return to my story.
Giving myself out for a Catholic, I followed without mystery or
scruple the religion I had embraced. On a Sunday, if the weather was
fine, I went to hear mass at Assans, a place two leagues distant
from Lausanne, and generally in company with other Catholics,
particularly a Parisian embroiderer, whose name I have forgotten.
Not such a Parisian as myself, but a real native of Paris, an
arch-Parisian from his maker, yet honest as a peasant. He loved his
country so well, that he would not doubt my being his countrymen,
for fear he should not have so much occasion to speak of it. The
lieutenant-governor, M. de Crouzas, had a gardener, who was likewise
from Paris, but not so complaisant; he thought the glory of his
country concerned, when any one claimed that honor who was not
really entitled to it; he put questions to me, therefore, with an
air and tone, as if certain to detect me in a falsehood, and once,
smiling malignantly, asked what was remarkable in the Marcheneuf? It
may be supposed I asked the question; but I have since passed twenty
years at Paris, and certainly know that city, yet was the same
question repeated at this day, I should be equally embarrassed to
answer it, and from this embarrassment it might be concluded I had
never been there: thus, even when we meet with truths, we are
subject to build our opinions on circumstances, which may easily
deceive us.
I formed no ideas, while at Lausanne, that were worth
recollecting, nor can I say exactly how long I remained there; I
only know that not finding sufficient to subsist on, I went from
thence to Neufchatel, where I passed the winter. Here I succeeded
better, I got some scholars, and saved enough to pay my good friend
Perrotet, who had faithfully sent my baggage, though at that time I
was considerably in his debt.
By continuing to teach music, I insensibly gained some knowledge
of it. The life I led was sufficiently agreeable, and any reasonable
man might have been satisfied, but my unsettled heart demanded
something more. On Sundays, or whenever I had leisure, I wandered,
sighing and thoughtful, about the adjoining woods, and when once out
of the city never returned before night. One day, being at Boudry, I
went to dine at a public-house, where I saw a man with a long beard,
dressed in a violet-colored Grecian habit, with a fur cap, and whose
air and manner were rather noble. This person found some difficulty in
making himself understood, speaking only an unintelligible jargon,
which bore more resemblance to Italian than any other language. I
understood almost all he said, and I was the only person present who
could do so, for he was obliged to make his request known to the
landlord and others about him by signs. On my speaking a few words
in Italian, which he perfectly understood, he got up and embraced me
with rapture; a connection was soon formed, and from that moment, I
became his interpreter. His dinner was excellent, mine rather worse
than indifferent; he gave me an invitation to dine with him, which I
accepted without much ceremony. Drinking and chatting soon rendered us
familiar, and by the end of the repast we had all the disposition in
the world to become inseparable companions. He informed me he was a
Greek prelate, and Archimandrite of Jerusalem; that he had
undertaken to make a gathering in Europe for the reestablishment of
the Holy Sepulcher, and showed me some very fine patents from the
czarina, the emperor, and several other sovereigns. He was tolerably
content with what he had collected hitherto, though he had experienced
inconceivable difficulties in Germany; for not understanding a word of
German, Latin, or French, he had been obliged to have recourse to
his Greek, Turkish, and the Lingua Franca, which did not procure him
much in the country he was traveling through; his proposal, therefore,
to me was, that I should accompany him in the quality of secretary and
interpreter. In spite of my violet-colored coat, which accorded well
enough with the proposed employment, he guessed from my meager
appearance, that I should easily be gained; and he was not mistaken.
The bargain was soon made, I demanded nothing, and he promised
liberally; thus, without any security or knowledge of the person I was
about to serve, I gave myself up entirely to his conduct, and the next
day behold me on an expedition to Jerusalem.
We began our expedition unsuccessfully by the canton of Fribourg.
Episcopal dignity would not suffer him to play the beggar, or
solicit help from private individuals; but we presented his commission
to the Senate, who gave him a trifling sum. From thence we went to
Berne, where we lodged at the Falcon, then a good inn, and
frequented by respectable company; the public table being well
supplied and numerously attended. I had fared indifferently so long,
that I was glad to make myself amends, therefore took care to profit
by the present occasion. My lord, the Archimandrite, was himself an
excellent companion, loved good cheer, was gay, spoke well for those
who understood him, and knew perfectly well how to make the most of
his Grecian erudition. One day, at dessert, while cracking nuts, he
cut his finger pretty deeply, and as it bled freely showed it to the
company, saying with a laugh, "Mirate, signori; questo e sangue
Pelasgo."
At Berne, I was not useless to him, nor was my performance so bad as
I had feared: I certainly spoke better and with more confidence than I
could have done for myself. Matters were not conducted here with the
same simplicity as at Fribourg; long and frequent conferences were
necessary with the Premiers of the State, and the examination of his
titles was not the work of a day; at length, everything being
adjusted, he was admitted to an audience by the Senate; I entered with
him as interpreter, and was ordered to speak. I expected nothing less,
for it never entered my mind, that after such long and frequent
conferences with the members, it was necessary to address the assembly
collectively, as if nothing had been said. Judge my embarrassment!-
a man so bashful to speak, not only in public, but before the whole of
the Senate of Berne! to speak impromptu, without a single moment for
recollection; it was enough to annihilate me- I was not even
intimidated. I described distinctly and clearly the commission of
the Archimandrite; extolled the piety of those princes who had
contributed, and to heighten that of their excellencies by
emulation, added that less could not be expected from their well-known
munificence; then, endeavored to prove that this good work was equally
interesting to all Christians, without distinction of sect; and
concluded by promising the benediction of Heaven to all those who took
part in it. I will not say that my discourse was the cause of our
success, but it was certainly well received; and on our quitting the
Archimandrite was gratified by a very genteel present, to which some
very handsome compliments were added on the understanding of his
secretary; these I had the agreeable office of interpreting, but could
not take courage to render them literally.
This was the only time in my life that I spoke in public, and before
a sovereign; and the only time, perhaps, that I spoke boldly and well.
What difference in the disposition of the same person. Three years
ago, having been to see my old friend, M. Roguin, at Yverdon, I
received a deputation to thank me for some books I had presented to
the library of that city; the Swiss are great speakers; these
gentlemen, accordingly, made me a long harangue, which I thought
myself obliged in honor to answer, but so embarrassed myself in the
attempt, that my head became confused, I stopped short, and was
laughed at. Though naturally timid, I have sometimes acted with
confidence in my youth, but never in my advanced age: the more I
have seen of the world the less I have been able to adopt its manners.
On leaving Berne, we went to Soleure; the Archimandrite designing to
reenter Germany, and return through Hungary or Poland to his own
country. This would have been a prodigious tour; but as the contents
of his purse rather increased than diminished during his journey, he
was in no haste to return. For me, who was almost as much pleased on
horseback as on foot, I would have desired no better than to have
traveled thus during my whole life; but it was preordained that my
journey should soon end.
The first thing we did after our arrival at Soleure, was to pay
our respects to the French ambassador there. Unfortunately for my
bishop, this chanced to be the Marquis de Bonac, who had been
ambassador at the Porte, and consequently was acquainted with every
particular relative to the Holy Sepulcher. The Archimandrite had an
audience that lasted about a quarter of an hour, to which I was not
admitted, as the ambassador spoke the Lingua Franca and Italian at
least as well as myself. On my Grecian's retiring, I was prepared to
follow him, but was detained; it was now my turn. Having called myself
a Parisian, as such, I was under the jurisdiction of his excellency:
he therefore asked me who I was? exhorting me to tell the truth;
this I promised to do, but entreated a private audience, which was
immediately granted. The ambassador took me to his closet, and shut
the door; there, throwing myself at his feet, I kept my word, nor
should I have said less, had I promised nothing, for a continual
wish to unbosom myself, puts my heart perpetually upon my lips.
After having disclosed myself without reserve to the musician
Lutold, there was no occasion to attempt acting the mysterious with
the Marquis de Bonac, who was so well pleased with my little
history, and the ingenuousness with which I had related it, that he
led me to the ambassadress, and presented me, with an abridgment of my
recital. Madam de Bonac received me kindly, saying, I must not be
suffered to follow that Greek monk. It was accordingly resolved that I
should remain at their hotel till something better could be done for
me. I wished to bid adieu to my poor Archimandrite, for whom I had
conceived an attachment, but was not permitted: they sent him word
that I was to be detained there, and in quarter of an hour after, I
saw my little bundle arrive. M. de la Martiniere, secretary to the
embassy, had in a manner the care of me; while following him to the
chamber appropriated to my use, he said, "This apartment was
occupied under the Count de Luc, by a celebrated man of the same
name as yourself; it is in your power to succeed him in every respect,
and cause it to be said hereafter, Rousseau the First, Rousseau the
Second." This similarity, which I did not then expect, would have been
less flattering to my wishes could I have foreseen at what price I
should one day purchase the distinction.
What M. de la Martiniere had said excited my curiosity; I read the
works of the person whose chamber I occupied, and on the strength of
the compliment that had been paid me (imagining I had a taste for
poetry) made my first essay in a cantata in praise of Madam de
Bonac. This inclination was not permanent, though from time to time
I have composed tolerable verses. I think it is a good exercise to
teach elegant turns of expression, and to write well in prose, but
could never find attractions enough in French poetry to give
entirely into it.
M. de la Martiniere wished to see my style, and asked me to write
the detail I had before made the ambassador; accordingly I wrote him a
long letter, which I have since been informed was preserved by M. de
Marianne, who had been long attached to the Marquis de Bonac, and
has since succeeded M. de la Martiniere as secretary to the embassy of
M. de Courteillies.
The experience I began to acquire tended to moderate my romantic
projects: for example, I did not fall in love with Madam de Bonac, but
also felt I did not stand much chance of succeeding in the service
of her husband. M. de la Martiniere was already in the only place that
could have satisfied my ambition, and M. de Marianne in expectancy:
thus my utmost hopes could only aspire to the office of under
secretary, which did not infinitely tempt me; this was the reason that
when consulted on the situation I should like to be placed in, I
expressed a great desire to go to Paris. The ambassador readily gave
in to the idea, which at least tended to disembarrass him of me. M. de
Merveilleux interpreting secretary to the embassy, said, that his
friend, M. Godard, a Swiss colonel, in the service of France, wanted a
person to be with his nephew, who had entered very young into the
service, and made no doubt that I should suit him. On this idea, so
lightly formed, my departure was determined; and I, who saw a long
journey to perform, with Paris at the end of it, was enraptured with
the project. They gave me several letters, a hundred livres to
defray the expenses of my journey, accompanied with some good
advice, and thus equipped I departed.
I was a fortnight making this journey, which I may reckon among
the happiest days of my life. I was young, in perfect health, with
plenty of money, and the most brilliant hopes: add to this, I was on
foot, and alone. It may appear strange I should mention the latter
circumstance as advantageous, if my peculiarity of temper is not
already familiar to the reader. I was continually occupied with a
variety of pleasing chimeras, and never did the warmth of my
imagination produce more magnificent ones. When offered an empty place
in a carriage, or any person accosted me on the road, how vexed was
I to see that fortune overthrown, whose edifice, while walking, I
had taker, such pains to rear.
For once, my ideas were all martial: I was going to live with a
military man; nay, to become one, for it was concluded I should
begin with being a cadet. I already fancied myself in regimentals,
with a fine white feather nodding on my hat, and my heart was inflamed
by the noble idea. I had some smattering of geometry and
fortification; my uncle was an engineer; I was in a manner a soldier
by inheritance. My short sight, indeed, presented some little
obstacle, but did not by any means discourage me, as I reckoned to
supply that defect by coolness and intrepidity. I had read, too,
that Marshal Schomberg was remarkably short-sighted, and why might not
Marshal Rousseau be the same? My imagination was so warm by these
follies, that it presented nothing but troops, ramparts, gabions,
batteries, and myself in the midst of fire and smoke, an eye-glass
in hand, commanding with the utmost tranquility. Notwithstanding, when
the country presented a delightful prospect, when I saw charming
groves and rivulets, the pleasing sight made me sigh with regret,
and feel, in the midst of all this glory. that my heart was not formed
for such havoc; and soon without knowing how, I found my thoughts
wandering among my dear sheepfolds, renouncing forever the labors of
Mars.
How much did Paris disappoint the idea I had formed of it! The
exterior decorations I had seen at Turin, the beauty of the streets,
the symmetry and regularity of the houses, contributed to this
disappointment, since I concluded that Paris must be infinitely
superior. I had figured to myself a splendid city, beautiful as large,
of the most commanding aspect, whose streets were ranges of
magnificent palaces, composed of marble and gold. On entering the
faubourg St. Marceau, I saw nothing but dirty stinking streets, filthy
black houses, an air of slovenliness and poverty, beggars, carters,
butchers, cries of diet-drink and old hats. This struck me so
forcibly, that all I have since seen of real magnificence in Paris
could never erase this first impression, which has ever given me a
particular disgust to residing in that capital; and I may say, the
whole time I remained there afterwards was employed in seeking
resources which might enable me to live at a distance from it. This is
the consequence of too lively imagination, which exaggerates even
beyond the voice of fame, and ever expects more than is told. I had
heard Paris so flatteringly described, that I pictured it like the
ancient Babylon, which, perhaps, had I seen, I might have found
equally faulty, and unlike that idea the account had conveyed. The
same thing happened at the Opera-house, to which I hastened the day
after my arrival! I was sensible of the same deficiency at Versailles!
and some time after on viewing the sea. I am convinced this would ever
be the consequence of a too flattering description of any object;
for it is impossible for man, and difficult even for nature herself,
to surpass the riches of my imagination.
By the reception I met with from all those to whom my letters were
addressed, I thought my fortune was certainly made. The person who
received me the least kindly was M. de Surbeck, to whom I had the
warmest recommendation. He had retired from the service, and lived
philosophically at Bagneux, where I waited on him several times
without his offering me even a glass of water. I was better received
by Madam de Merveilleux, sister-in-law to the interpreter, and by
his nephew, who was an officer in the guards. The mother and son not
only received me kindly, but offered me the use of their table,
which favor I frequently accepted during my stay at Paris.
Madam de Merveilleux appeared to have been handsome; her hair was of
a fine black, which, according to the old mode, she wore curled on the
temples. She still retained (what do not perish with a set of
features) the beauties of an amiable mind. She appeared satisfied with
mine, and did all she could to render me service; but no one
seconded her endeavors, and I was presently undeceived in the great
interest they had seemed to take in my affairs. I must, however, do
the French nation the justice to say, they do not so exhaust
themselves with protestations, as some have represented, and that
those they make are usually sincere; but they have a manner of
appearing interested in your affairs, which is more deceiving than
words. The gross compliments of the Swiss can only impose upon
fools; the manners of the French are more seducing, and at the same
time so simple, that you are persuaded they do not express all they
mean to do for you, in order that you may be the more agreeably
surprised. I will say more; they are not false in their protestations,
being naturally zealous to oblige, humane, benevolent, and even
(whatever may be said to the country) more sincere than any other
nation; but they are too flighty: in effect they feel the sentiments
they profess for you, but that sentiment flies off as
instantaneously as it was formed. In speaking to you, their whole
attention is employed on you alone, when absent you are forgotten.
Nothing is permanent in their hearts, all is the work of the moment.
Thus I was greatly flattered, but received little service. Colonel
Godard, for whose nephew I was recommended, proved to be an avaricious
old wretch, who, on seeing my distress (though he was immensely rich),
wished to have my services for nothing, meaning to place me with his
nephew, rather as a valet without wages than a tutor. He represented
that as I was to be continually engaged with him, I should be
excused from duty, and might live on my cadet's allowance; that is
to say, on the pay of a soldier: hardly would he consent to give me
a uniform, thinking the clothing of the army might serve. Madam de
Merveilleux, provoked at his proposals, persuaded me not to accept
them; her son was of the same opinion; something else was to be
thought on, but no situation was procured. Meantime, I began to be
necessitated; for the hundred livres with which I had commenced my
journey could not last much longer; happily, I received a small
remittance from the ambassador, which was very serviceable, nor do I
think he would have abandoned me had I possessed more patience; but
languishing, waiting, soliciting, are to me impossible: I was
disheartened, displeased, and thus all my brilliant expectations
came once more to nothing. I had not all this time forgotten my dear
Madam de Warrens, but how was I to find her? Where should I seek her?-
Madam de Merveilleux, who knew my story, assisted me in the search,
but for a long time unavailingly; at length, she informed me that
Madam de Warrens had set out from Paris about two months before, but
it was not known whether for Savoy or Turin, and that some conjectured
she had gone to Switzerland. Nothing further was necessary to fix my
determination to follow her, certain that wherever she might be, I
stood more chance of finding her at those places than I could possibly
do at Paris.
Before my departure, I exercised my new poetical talent in an
epistle to Colonel Godard, whom I ridiculed to the utmost of my
abilities. I showed this scribble to Madam de Merveilleux, who,
instead of discouraging me, as she ought to have done, laughed
heartily at my sarcasms, as well as her son, who, I believe, did not
like M. Godard; indeed, it must be confessed, he was a man not
calculated to obtain affection. I was tempted to send him my verses,
and they encouraged me in it; accordingly I made them up in a parcel
directed to him, and there being no post then at Paris by which I
could conveniently send this, I put it in my pocket, and sent it to
him from Auxerre, as I passed through that place. I laugh, even yet,
sometimes, at the grimaces I fancy he made on reading this
panegyric, where he was certainly drawn to the life; it began thus:
Tu croyois, vieux penard, qu'une folle manie
D'elever ton neveu m'inspirerait l'envie.
This little piece, which, it is true, was but indifferently written,
did not want for salt, and announced a turn for satire; it is,
notwithstanding, the only satirical writing that ever came from my
pen. I have too little hatred in my heart to take advantage of such
a talent; but I believe it may be judged from those controversies,
in which from time to time I have been engaged in my own defense, that
had I been of a vindictive disposition, my adversaries would rarely
have had the laughter on their side.
What I most regret, is not having kept a journal of my travels,
being conscious that a number of interesting details have slipped my
memory; for never did I exist so completely, never live so thoroughly,
never was so much myself, if I dare use the expression, as in those
journeys made on foot. Walking animates and enlivens my spirits; I can
hardly think when in a state of inactivity; my body must be
exercised to make my judgment active. The view of a fine country, a
succession of agreeable prospects, a free air, a good appetite, and
the health I gain by walking; the freedom of inns, and the distance
from everything that can make me recollect the dependence of my
situation, conspire to free my soul, and give boldness to my thoughts,
throwing me, in a manner, into the immensity of beings, where I
combine, choose, and appropriate them to my fancy, without
constraint or fear. I dispose of all nature as I please; my heart
wandering from object to object, approximates and unites with those
that please it, is surrounded by charming images, and becomes
intoxicated with delicious sensations. If, attempting to render
these permanent, I am amused in describing to myself, what glow of
coloring, what energy of expression, do I give them!- It has been
said, that all these are to be found in my works, though written in
the decline of life. Oh! had those of my early youth been seen,
those made during my travels, composed, but never written!- Why did
I not write them? will be asked; and why should I have written them? I
may answer. Why deprive myself of the actual charm of my enjoyments to
inform others what I enjoyed? What to me were readers, the public,
or all the world, while I was mounting the empyrean. Besides, did I
carry pens, paper, and ink with me? Had I recollected all not a
thought would have occurred worth preserving. I do not foresee when
I shall have ideas; they come when they please, and not when I call
for them; either they avoid me altogether, or rushing in crowds,
overwhelm me with their force and number. Ten volumes a day would
not suffice barely to enumerate my thoughts; how then should I find
time to write them? In stopping, I thought of nothing but a hearty
dinner; on departing, of nothing but a charming walk; I felt that a
new paradise awaited me at the door, and eagerly leaped forward to
enjoy it.
Never did I experience this so feelingly as in the perambulation I
am now describing. On coming to Paris, I had confined myself to
ideas which related to the situation I expected to occupy there. I had
rushed into the career I was about to run, and should have completed
it with tolerable eclat, but it was not that my heart adhered to. Some
real beings obscured my imagined ones- Colonel Godard and his nephew
could not keep pace with a hero of my disposition. Thank Heaven, I was
soon delivered from all these obstacles, and could enter at pleasure
into the wilderness of chimeras, for that alone remained before me,
and I wandered in it so completely that I several times lost my way;
but this was no misfortune, I would not have shortened it, for,
feeling with regret, as I approached Lyons, that I must again return
to the material world, I should have been glad never to have arrived
there.
One day, among others, having purposely gone out of my way to take a
nearer view of a spot that appeared delightful, I was so charmed
with it, and wandered round it so often, that at length I completely
lost myself, and after several hours' useless walking, weary, fainting
with hunger and thirst, I entered a peasant's hut, which had not
indeed a very promising appearance, but was the only one I could
discover near me. I thought it was here, as at Geneva, or in
Switzerland, where the inhabitants, living at ease, have it in their
power to exercise hospitality. I entreated the countryman to give me
some dinner, offering to pay for it: on which he presented me with
some skimmed milk and coarse barley-bread, saying it was all he had. I
drank the milk with pleasure, and ate the bread, chaff and all; but it
was not very restorative to a man sinking with fatigue. The countryman
judged the truth of my story by my appetite, and presently after
(having said that he plainly saw I was an honest, good-natured young
man,* and did not come to betray him) opened a trap door by the
side of his kitchen, went down, and returned with a good brown loaf of
pure wheat, the remains of a ham, and a bottle of wine: he then
prepared a good thick omelet, and I made such a dinner as none but a
walking traveler ever enjoyed.
* At that time my features did not resemble later portraits.
When I again offered to pay, his inquietude and fears returned; he
not only would have no money, but refused it with the most evident
emotion; and what made this scene more amusing, I could not imagine
the motive of his fear. At length, he pronounced tremblingly those
terrible words, "Commissioners," and "Cellar-rats," which he explained
by giving me to understand that he concealed his wine because of the
excise, and his bread on account of the tax imposed on it; adding,
he should be an undone man, if it was suspected he was not almost
perishing with want. What he said to me on this subject (of which I
had not the smallest idea) made an impression on my mind that can
never be effaced, sowing seeds of that inextinguishable hatred which
has since grown up in my heart against the vexations these unhappy
people suffer, and against their oppressors. This man, though in
easy circumstances, dare not eat the bread gained by the sweat of
his brow, and could only escape destruction by exhibiting an outward
appearance of misery!- I left his cottage with as much indignation
as concern, deploring the fate of those beautiful countries, where
nature has been prodigal of her gifts, only that they may become the
prey of barbarous exactors.
The incident which I have just related, is the only one I have a
distinct remembrance of during this journey: I recollect, indeed, that
on approaching Lyons, I wished to prolong it by going to see the banks
of the Lignon; for among the romances I had read with my father,
Astrea was not forgotten, and returned more frequently to my
thoughts than any other. Stopping for some refreshment (while chatting
with my hostess), I inquired the way to Forez, and was informed that
country was an excellent place for mechanics, as there were many
forges, and much iron work done there. This eulogium instantly
calmed my romantic curiosity, for I felt no inclination to seek Dianas
and Sylvanders among a generation of blacksmiths. The good woman who
encouraged me with this piece of information certainly thought I was a
journeyman locksmith.
I had some view in going to Lyons: on my arrival, I went to the
Chasattes, to see Mademoiselle du Chatelet, a friend of Madam de
Warrens, for whom I had brought a letter when I came there with M.
le Maitre, so that it was an acquaintance already formed. Mademoiselle
du Chatelet informed me her friend had passed through Lyons, but could
not tell whether she had gone on to Piedmont, being uncertain at her
departure whether it would not be necessary to stop in Savoy; but if I
choose, she would immediately write for information, and thought my
best plan would be to remain at Lyons till she received it. I accepted
this offer, but did not tell Mademoiselle du Chatelet how much I was
pressed for an answer and that my exhausted purse would not permit
me to wait long. It was not an appearance of coolness that withheld
me, on the contrary, I was very kindly received, treated on the
footing of equality, and this took from me the resolution of
explaining my circumstances, for I could not bear to descend from a
companion to a miserable beggar.
I seem to have retained a very connecting remembrance of that part
of my life contained in this book; yet I think I remember, about the
same period, another journey to Lyons (the particulars of which I
cannot recollect) where I found myself much straitened, and a confused
remembrance of the extremities to which I was reduced does not
contribute to recall the idea agreeably. Had I been like many
others, had I possessed the talent of borrowing and running in debt at
every ale-house I came to, I might have fared better; but in that my
incapacity equaled my repugnance, and to demonstrate the prevalence of
both, it will be sufficient to say, that though I have passed almost
my whole life in different circumstances, and frequently have been
near wanting bread, I was never once asked for money by a creditor
without having it in my power to pay it instantly; I could never
bear to contract clamorous debts, and have ever preferred suffering to
owing.
Being reduced to pass my nights in the streets, may certainly be
called suffering, and this was several times the case at Lyons, having
preferred buying bread with the few pence I had remaining, to
bestowing them on a lodging; as I was convinced there was less
danger of dying for want of sleep than of hunger. What is astonishing,
while in this unhappy situation, I took no care for the future, was
neither uneasy nor melancholy, but patiently waited an answer to
Mademoiselle du Chatelet's letter, and lying in the open air,
stretched on the earth, or on a bench, slept as soundly as if reposing
on a bed of roses. I remember, particularly, to have passed a most
delightful night at some distance from the city, in a road which had
the Rhone, or Soane, I cannot recollect which, on the one side, and
a range of raised gardens, with terraces, on the other. It had been
a very hot day, the evening was delightful, the dew moistened the
fading grass, no wind was stirring, the air was fresh without
chillness, the setting sun had tinged the clouds with a beautiful
crimson, which was again reflected by the water, and the trees that
bordered the terrace were filled with nightingales who were
continually answering each other's songs. I walked along in a kind
of ecstasy, giving up my heart and senses to the enjoyment of so
many delights, and sighing only from a regret of enjoying them
alone. Absorbed in this pleasing reverie, I lengthened my walk till it
grew very late, without perceiving I was tired; at length, however,
I discovered it, and threw myself on the step of a kind of niche, or
false door, in the terrace wall. How charming was the couch! the trees
formed a stately canopy, a nightingale sat directly over me, and
with his soft notes lulled me to rest: how pleasing my repose; my
awaking more so. It was broad day; on opening my eyes I saw the water,
the verdure, and the admirable landscape before me. I arose, shook off
the remains of drowsiness, and finding I was hungry, retook the way to
the city, resolving, with inexpressible gayety, to spend the two
pieces of six blancs I had yet remaining in a good breakfast. I
found myself so cheerful that I went all the way singing; I even
remember I sang a cantata of Batistin's called the Baths of Thomery,
which I knew by heart. May a blessing light on the good Batistin and
his good cantata, which procured me a better breakfast than I had
expected, and a still better dinner, which I did not expect at all! In
the midst of my singing, I heard some one behind me, and turning round
perceived an Antonine, who followed after and seemed to listen with
pleasure to my song. At length accosting me, he asked, if I understood
music. I answered, "A little," but in a manner to have it understood I
knew a great deal, and as he continued questioning of me, related a
part of my story. He asked me, if I had ever copied music? I
replied, "Often," which was true: I had learned most by copying.
"Well," continued he, "come with me, I can employ you for a few
days, during which time you shall want for nothing; provided you
consent not to quit my room." I acquiesced very willingly, and
followed him.
This Antonine was called M. Rolichon; he loved music, understood it,
and sang in some little concerts with his friends; thus far all was
innocent and right, but apparently this taste had become a furor, part
of which he was obliged to conceal. He conducted me into a chamber,
where I found a great quantity of music: he gave me some to copy,
particularly the cantata he had heard me singing, and which he was
shortly to sing himself.
I remained here three or four days, copying all the time I did not
eat, for never in my life was I so hungry, or better fed. M.
Rolichon brought my provisions himself from the kitchen, and it
appeared that these good priests lived well, at least if every one
fared as I did. In my life, I never took such pleasure in eating,
and it must be owned this good cheer came very opportunely, for I
was almost exhausted. I worked as heartily as I ate, which is saying a
great deal; 'tis true I was not as correct as diligent, for some
days after, meeting M. Rolichon in the street, he informed me there
were so many omissions, repetitions, and transpositions, in the
parts I had copied, that they could not be performed. It must be
owned, that in choosing the profession of music, I hit on that I was
least calculated for; yet my voice was good and I copied neatly; but
the fatigue of long works bewilders me so much, that I spend more time
in altering and scratching out than in pricking down, and if I do
not employ the strictest attention in comparing the several parts,
they are sure to fail in the execution. Thus, through endeavoring to
do well, my performance was very faulty; for aiming at expedition, I
did all amiss. This did not prevent M. Rolichon from treating me
well to the last, and giving me half-a-crown at my departure, which
I certainly did not deserve, and which completely set me up, for a few
days after I received news from Madam de Warrens, who was at Chambery,
with money to defray the expenses of my journey to her, which I
performed with rapture. Since then my finances have frequently been
very low, but never at such an ebb as to reduce me to fasting, and I
mark this period with a heart fully alive to the bounty of Providence,
as the last of my life in which I sustained poverty and hunger.
I remained at Lyons seven or eight days to wait for some little
commissions with which Madam de Warrens had charged Mademoiselle du
Chatelet, whom during this interval I visited more assiduously than
before, having the pleasure of talking with her of her friend, and
being no longer disturbed by the cruel remembrance of my situation, or
painful endeavors to conceal it. Mademoiselle du Chatelet was
neither young nor handsome, but did not want for elegance; she was
easy and obliging, while her understanding gave price to her
familiarity. She had a taste for that kind of moral observation
which leads to the knowledge of mankind, and from her originated
that study in myself. She was fond of the works of Le Sage,
particularly Gil Blas, which she lent me, and recommended to my
perusal. I read this performance with pleasure, but my judgment was
not yet ripe enough to relish that sort of reading. I liked romances
which abounded with high-flown sentiments.
Thus did I pass my time at the grate of Mademoiselle du Chatelet,
with as much profit as pleasure. It is certain that the interesting
and sensible conversation of a deserving woman is more proper to
form the understanding of a young man than all the pedantic philosophy
of books. I got acquainted at the Chasattes with some other boarders
and their friends, and among the rest, with a young person of
fourteen, called Mademoiselle Serre, whom I did not much notice at
that time, though I was in love with her eight or nine years
afterwards, and with great reason, for she was a most charming girl.
I was fully occupied with the idea of seeing Madam de Warrens, and
this gave some respite to my chimeras, for finding happiness in real
objects I was the less inclined to seek it in nonentities. I had not
only found her, but also by her means, and near her, an agreeable
situation, having received word that she had procured one that would
suit me, and by which I should not be obliged to quit her. I exhausted
all my conjectures in guessing what this occupation could be, but I
must have possessed the art of divination to have hit it on the right.
I had money sufficient to make my journey agreeable: Mademoiselle du
Chatelet persuaded me to hire a horse, but this I could not consent
to, and I was certainly right, for by so doing I should have lost
the pleasure of the last pedestrian expedition I ever made; for I
cannot give that name to those excursions I have frequently taken
about my own neighborhood, while I lived at Motiers.
It is very singular that my imagination never rises so high as
when my situation, is least agreeable or cheerful. When everything
smiles around me, I am least amused; my heart cannot confine itself to
realities, cannot embellish, but must create. Real objects strike me
as they really are, my imagination can only decorate ideal ones. If
I would paint the spring, it must be in winter; if describe a
beautiful landscape, it must be while surrounded with walls; and I
have said a hundred times, that were I confined in the Bastile, I
could draw the most enchanting picture of liberty. On my departure
from Lyons, I saw nothing but an agreeable future, the content I now
with reason enjoyed was as great as my discontent had been at
leaving Paris, notwithstanding, I had not during this journey any of
those delightful reveries I then enjoyed. My mind was serene, and that
was all; I drew near the excellent friend I was going to see, my heart
overflowing with tenderness, enjoying in advance, but without
intoxication, the pleasure of living near her; I had always expected
this, and it was as if nothing new had happened. Meantime, I was
anxious about the employment Madam de Warrens had procured me, as if
that alone had been material. My ideas were calm and peaceable, not
ravishing and celestial; every object struck my sight in its natural
form; I observed the surrounding landscape, remarked the trees, the
houses, the springs, deliberated on the cross-roads, was fearful of
losing myself, yet did not do so; in a word, I was no longer in the
empyrean, but precisely where I found myself, or sometimes perhaps
at the end of my journey, never farther.
I am in recounting my travels, as I was in making them, loath to
arrive at the conclusion. My heart beat with joy as I approached my
dear Madam de Warrens, but I went no faster on that account. I love to
walk at my ease, and stop at leisure; a strolling life is necessary to
me: traveling on foot, in a fine country, with fine weather, and
having an agreeable object to terminate my journey, is the manner of
living of all others most suited to my taste.
It is already understood what I mean by a fine country; never can
a flat one, though ever so beautiful, appear such in my eyes: I must
have torrents, fir trees, black woods, mountains to climb or
descend, and rugged roads with precipices on either side to alarm
me. I experienced this pleasure in its utmost extent as I approached
Chambery, not far from a mountain which is called Pas de l'Echelle.
Above the main road, which is hewn through the rock, a small river
runs and rushes into fearful chasms, which it appears to have been
millions of ages in forming. The road has been hedged by a parapet
to prevent accidents, which enabled me to contemplate the whole
descent, and gain vertigoes at pleasure; for a great part of my
amusement in these steep rocks, is, they cause a giddiness and
swimming in my head, which I am particularly fond of, provided I am in
safety; leaning, therefore, over the parapet, I remained whole
hours, catching, from time to time, a glance of the froth and blue
water, whose rushing caught my ear, mingled with the cries of
ravens, and other birds of prey that flew from rock to rock, and
bush to bush, at six hundred feet below me. In places where the
slope was tolerably regular, and clear enough from bushes to let
stones roll freely, I went a considerable way to gather them, bringing
those I could but just carry, which I piled on the parapet, and then
threw down one after the other, being transported at seeing them roll,
rebound, and fly into a thousand pieces, before they reached the
bottom of the precipice.
Near Chambery I enjoyed an equal pleasing spectacle, though of a
different kind; the road passing near the foot of the most charming
cascade I ever saw. The water, which is very rapid, shoots from the
top of an excessively steep mountain, falling at such a distance
from its base that you may walk between the cascade and the rock
without any inconvenience; but if not particularly careful it is
easy to be deceived as I was, for the water, falling from such an
immense height, separates, and descends in a rain as fine as dust, and
on approaching too near this cloud, without perceiving it, you may
be wet through in an instant.
At length I arrived at Madam de Warrens'; she was not alone, the
intendant-general was with her. Without speaking a word to me, she
caught my hand, and presenting me to him with that natural grace which
charmed all hearts, said: "This, sir, is the poor young man I
mentioned; deign to protect him as long as he deserves it, and I shall
feel no concern for the remainder of his life." Then added, addressing
herself to me, "Child, you now belong to the king, thank Monsieur
the Intendant, who furnishes you with the means of existence." I
stared without answering, without knowing what to think of all this;
rising ambition almost turned my head; I was already prepared to act
the intendant myself. My fortune, however, was not so brilliant as I
had imagined, but it was sufficient to maintain me, which, as I was
situated, was a capital acquisition. I shall now explain the nature of
my employment.
King Victor Amadeus, judging by the event of preceding wars, and the
situation of the ancient patrimony of his fathers, that he should
not long be able to maintain it, wished to drain it beforehand.
Resolving, therefore, to tax the nobility, he ordered a general survey
of the whole country, in order that it might be rendered more equal
and productive. This scheme, which was begun under the father, was
completed by the son: two or three hundred men, part surveyors, who
were called geometricians, and part writers, who were called
secretaries, were employed in this work: among those of the latter
description Madam de Warrens had got me appointed. This post,
without being very lucrative, furnished the means of living eligibly
in that country; the misfortune was, this employment could not be of
any great duration, but it put me in train to procure something
better, as by this means she hoped to insure the particular protection
of the intendant, who might find me some more settled occupation
before this was concluded.
I entered on my new employment a few days after my arrival, and as
there was no great difficulty in the business, soon understood it;
thus, after four or five years of unsettled life, folly, and
suffering, since my departure from Geneva, I began, for the first
time, to gain my bread with credit.
These long details of my early youth must have appeared trifling,
and I am sorry for it: though born a man, in a variety of instances, I
was long a child, and am so yet in many particulars. I did not promise
the public a great personage: I promised to describe myself as I am,
and to know me in my advanced age it was necessary to have known me in
my youth. As, in general, objects that are present make less
impression on me than the bare remembrance of them (my ideas being all
from recollection), the first traits which were engraven on my mind
have distinctly remained: those which have since been imprinted
there have rather combined with the former than effaced them. There is
a certain, yet varied succession of affections and ideas, which
continue to regulate those that follow them, and this progression must
be known in order to judge rightly of those they have influenced. I
have studied to develop the first causes, the better to show the
concatenation of effects. I would be able by some means to render my
soul transparent to the eyes of the reader, and for this purpose
endeavor to show it in every possible point of view, to give him every
insight, and act in such a manner, that not a motion should escape
him, as by this means he may form a judgment of the principles that
produce them.
Did I take upon myself to decide, and say to the reader, "Such is my
character," he might think that if I did not endeavor to deceive
him, I at least deceived myself; but in recounting simply all that has
happened to me, all my actions, thoughts, and feelings, I cannot
lead him into an error, unless I do it willfully) which by this
means I could not easily effect, since it is his province to compare
the elements, and judge of the being they compose: thus the result
must be his work, and if he is then deceived the error will be his
own. It is not sufficient for this purpose that my recitals should
be merely faithful, they must also be minute; it is not for me to
judge of the importance of facts, I ought to declare them simply as
they are, and leave the estimate that is to be formed of them to
him. I have adhered to this principle hitherto, with the most
scrupulous exactitude, and shall not depart from it in the
continuation; but the impressions of age are less lively than those of
youth; I began by delineating the latter: should I recollect the
rest with the same precision, the reader may, perhaps, become weary
and impatient, but I shall not be dissatisfied with my labor. I have
but one thing to apprehend in this undertaking: I do not dread
saying too much, or advancing falsities, but I am fearful of not
saying enough, or concealing truths.
BOOK V
[1732-1736]
I THINK it was in 1732, that I arrived at Chambery, as already
related, and began my employment of registering land for the king. I
was almost twenty-one, my mind well enough formed for my age, with
respect to sense, but very deficient in point of judgment, and needing
every instruction from those into whose hands I fell, to make me
conduct myself with propriety; for a few years' experience had not
been able to cure me radically of my romantic ideas; and
notwithstanding the ills I had sustained, I knew as little of the
world, of mankind, as if I had never purchased instruction. I slept at
home, that is, at the house of Madam de Warrens; but it was not as
at Annecy: here were no gardens, no brook, no landscape; the house was
dark and dismal, and my apartment the most gloomy of the whole. The
prospect a dead wall, an alley instead of a street, confined air,
bad light, small rooms, iron bars, rats, and a rotten floor; an
assemblage of circumstances that do not constitute a very agreeable
habitation; but I was in the same house with my best friend,
incessantly near her, at my desk or in her chamber, so that I could
not perceive the gloominess of my own, or have time to think of it. It
may appear whimsical that she should reside at Chambery on purpose
to live in this disagreeable house; but it was a trait of
contrivance which I ought not to pass over in silence. She had no
great inclination for a journey to Turin, fearing that after the
recent revolutions, and the agitation in which the court yet was,
she should not be very favorably received there; but her affairs
seemed to demand her presence, as she feared being forgotten or
ill-treated, particularly as the Count de Saint-Laurent,
Intendant-general of the Finances, was not in her interest. He had
an old house at Chambery, ill-built, and standing in so disagreeable a
situation that it was always untenanted; she hired, and settled in
this house; a plan that succeeded much better than a journey to
Turin would have done, for her pension was not suppressed, and the
Count de Saint-Laurent was ever after one of her best friends.
Her household was much on the old footing; the faithful Claude
Anet still remained with her. He was, as I have before mentioned, a
peasant of Moutru, who in his childhood had gathered herbs in Jura for
the purpose of making Swiss tea; she had taken him into her service
for his knowledge of drugs, finding it convenient to have a
herbalist among her domestics. Passionately fond of the study of
plants, he became a real botanist, and had he not died young, might
have acquired as much fame in that science as he deserved for being an
honest man. Serious even to gravity, and older than myself, he was
to me a kind of tutor, commanding respect, and preserving me from a
number of follies, for I dared not forget myself before him. He
commanded it likewise from his mistress, who knew his understanding,
uprightness, and inviolable attachment to herself, and returned it.
Claude Anet was of an uncommon temper. I never encountered a similar
disposition: he was slow, deliberate, and circumspect in his
conduct; cold in his manner; laconic and sententious in discourse; yet
of an impetuosity in his passions, which (though careful to conceal)
preyed upon him inwardly, and urged him to the only folly he ever
committed; that folly, indeed was terrible, it was poisoning
himself. This tragic scene passed soon after my arrival, and opened my
eyes to the intimacy that subsisted between Claude Anet and his
mistress, for had not the information come from her, I should never
have suspected it; yet, surely, if attachment, fidelity, and zeal,
could merit such a recompense, it was due to him, and what further
proves him worthy such a distinction, he never once abused her
confidence. They seldom disputed, and their disagreements ever ended
amicably; one, indeed, was not so fortunate; his mistress, in a
passion, said something affronting, which not being able to digest, he
consulted only with despair, and finding a bottle of laudanum at hand,
drank it off; then went peaceably to bed, expecting to awake no
more. Madam de Warrens herself was uneasy, agitated. wandering about
the house, and happily, finding the phial empty, guessed the rest. Her
screams while flying to his assistance, alarmed me; she confessed all,
implored my help, and was fortunate enough, after repeated efforts, to
make him throw up the laudanum. Witness of this scene, I could not but
wonder at my stupidity in never having suspected the connection; but
Claude Anet was so discreet, that a more penetrating observer might
have been deceived. Their reconciliation affected me, and added
respect to the esteem I before felt for him. From this time I
became, in some measure, his pupil, nor did I find myself the worse
for his instruction.
I could not learn, without pain, that she lived in greater
intimacy with another than with myself: it was a situation I had not
even thought of, but (which was very natural) it hurt me to see
another in possession of it. Nevertheless, instead of feeling any
aversion to the person who had this advantage over me, I found the
attachment I felt for her, actually extend to him. I desired her
happiness above all things, and since he was concerned in her plan
of felicity, I was content he should be happy likewise. Meantime he
perfectly entered into the views of his mistress; conceived a
sincere friendship for me, and without affecting the authority his
situation might have entitled him to, he naturally possessed that
which his superior judgment gave him over mine. I dared do nothing
he disapproved of, but he was sure to disapprove only what merited
disapprobation: thus we lived in an union which rendered us mutually
happy, and which death alone could dissolve.
One proof of the excellence of this amiable woman's character, is,
that all those who loved her, loved each other; even jealousy and
rivalship submitting to the more powerful sentiment with which she
inspired them, and I never saw any of those who surrounded her
entertain the least ill will among themselves. Let the reader pause
a moment on this encomium, and if he can recollect any other woman who
deserves it, let him attach himself to her, if he would obtain
happiness.
From my arrival at Chambery to my departure for Paris, 1741,
included an interval of eight or nine years, during which time I
have few adventures to relate; my life being as simple as it was
agreeable. This uniformity was precisely what was most wanting to
complete the formation of my character, which continual troubles had
prevented from acquiring any degree of stability. It was during this
pleasing interval, that my unconnected, unfinished education, gained
consistence, and made me what I have unalterably remained amid the
storms with which I have since been surrounded. The progress was slow,
almost imperceptible, and attended by few memorable circumstances; yet
it deserves to be followed and investigated.
At first, I was wholly occupied with my business, the constraint
of a desk left little opportunity for other thoughts, the small
portion of time I was at liberty was passed with my dear Madam de
Warrens, and not having leisure to read, I felt no inclination for it;
but when my business (by daily repetition) became familiar, and my
mind was less occupied, study again became necessary, and (as my
desires were ever irritated by any difficulty that opposed the
indulgence of them) might once more have become a passion, as at my
master's, had not other inclinations interposed and diverted it.
Though our occupation did not demand a very profound skill in
arithmetic, it sometimes required enough to puzzle me. To conquer this
difficulty, I purchased books which treated on that science, and
learned well, for I now studied alone. Practical arithmetic extends
further than is usually supposed, if you would attain exact precision.
There are operations of extreme length in which I have sometimes
seen good geometricians lose themselves. Reflection, assisted by
practice, gives clear ideas, and enables you to devise shorter
methods, these inventions flatter our self-complacency, while their
exactitude satisfies our understanding, and renders a study
pleasant, which is, of itself, heavy and unentertaining. At length I
became so expert as not to be puzzled by any question that was
solvable by arithmetical calculation; and even now, while everything I
formerly knew fades daily on my memory, this acquirement, in a great
measure remains, through an interval of thirty years. A few days
ago, in a journey I made to Davenport, being with my host at an
arithmetical lesson given his children, I did (with pleasure, and
without errors) a most complicated work. While setting down my
figures, methought I was still at Chambery, still in my days of
happiness- how far I had to look back for them!
The colored plans of our geometricians had given me a taste for
drawing: accordingly I bought colors, and began by attempting
flowers and landscapes. It was unfortunate that I had not talents
for this art, for my inclination was much disposed to it, and while
surrounded with crayons, pencils, and colors, I could have passed
whole months without wishing to leave them. This amusement engaged
me so much, that they were obliged to force me from it; and thus it is
with every inclination I give in to, it continues to augment, till
at length it becomes so powerful, that I lose sight of everything
except the favorite amusement. Years have not been able to cure me
of that fault, nay, have not even diminished it; for while I am
writing this, behold me, like an old dotard, infatuated with
another, to me useless study, which I do not understand, and which
even those who have devoted their youthful days to the acquisition of,
are constrained to abandon, at the age I am beginning with it.
At that time, the study I am now speaking of would have been well
placed, the opportunity was good, and I had some temptation to
profit by it; for the satisfaction I saw in the eyes of Anet, when
he came home loaded with new discovered plants, set me two or three
times on the point of going to herbalize with him, and I am almost
certain that had I gone once, I should have been caught, and perhaps
at this day might have been an excellent botanist, for I know no study
more congenial to my natural inclination, than that of plants; the
life I have led for these ten years past, in the country, being little
more than a continual herbalizing, though I must confess, without
object, and without improvement; but at the time I am now speaking
of I had no inclination for botany, nay, I even despised, and was
disgusted at the idea, considering it only as a fit study for an
apothecary. Madam de Warrens was fond of it merely for this purpose,
seeking none but common plants to use in her medical preparations;
thus botany, chemistry, and anatomy were confounded in my idea under
the general denomination of medicine, and served to furnish me with
pleasant sarcasms the whole day, which procured me, from time to time,
a box on the ear, applied by Madam de Warrens. Besides this, a very
contrary taste grew up with me, and by degrees absorbed all others;
this was music. I was certainly born for that science, I loved it from
my infancy, and it was the only inclination I have constantly
adhered to; but it is astonishing that what nature seemed to have
designed me for should have cost me so much pains to learn, and that I
should acquire it so slowly, that after a whole life spent in the
practice of this art, I could never attain to sing with any
certainty at sight. What rendered the study of music more agreeable to
me at that time, was, being able to practice it with Madam de Warrens.
In other respects our tastes were widely different: this was a point
of coincidence, which I loved to avail myself of. She had no more
objection to this than myself: I knew at that time almost as much of
it as she did, and after two or three efforts, we could make shift
to decipher an air. Sometimes, when I saw her busy at her furnace, I
have said, "Here now is a charming duet, which seems made for the very
purpose of spoiling your drugs;" her answer would be, "If you make
me burn them, I'll make you eat them:" thus disputing, I drew her to
the harpsichord; the furnace was presently forgotten, the extract of
juniper or wormwood calcined (which I cannot recollect without
transport), and these scenes usually ended by her smearing my face
with the remains of them.
It may easily be conjectured that I had plenty of employment to fill
up my leisure hours; one amusement, however, found room, that was well
worth all the rest.
We lived in such a confined dungeon, that it was necessary sometimes
to breathe the open air; Anet, therefore, engaged Madam de Warrens
to hire a garden in the suburbs, both for this purpose and the
convenience of rearing plants, etc.; to this garden was added a
summer-house, which was furnished in the customary manner; we
sometimes dined, and I frequently slept, there. Insensibly I became
attached to this little retreat, decorated it with books and prints,
spending part of my time in ornamenting it during the absence of Madam
de Warrens, that I might surprise her the more agreeably on her
return. Sometimes I quitted this dear friend, that I might enjoy the
uninterrupted pleasure of thinking on her; this was a caprice I can
neither excuse nor fully explain, I only know this really was the
case, and therefore I avow it. I remember Madam de Luxembourg told
me one day in raillery, of a man who used to leave his mistress that
he might enjoy the satisfaction of writing to her; I answered, I could
have been this man; I might have added, that I had done the very same.
I did not, however, find it necessary to leave Madam de Warrens that
I might love her the more ardently, for I was ever as perfectly free
with her as when alone; an advantage I never enjoyed with any other
person, man or woman, however I might be attached to them; but she was
so often surrounded by company who were far from pleasing me, that
spite and weariness drove me to this asylum, where I could indulge her
idea, without danger of being interrupted by impertinence.
Thus, my time being divided between business, pleasure, and
instruction, my life passed in the most absolute serenity. Europe
was not equally tranquil: France and the emperor had mutually declared
war, the King of Sardinia had entered into the quarrel, and a French
army had filed off into Piedmont to awe the Milanese. Our division
passed through Chambery, and, among others, the regiment of
Champaigne, whose colonel was the Duke de la Trimouille, to whom I was
presented. He promised many things, but doubtless never more thought
of me. Our little garden was exactly at the end of the suburb by which
the troops entered, so that I could fully satisfy my curiosity in
seeing them pass, and I became as anxious for the success of the war
as if it had nearly concerned me. Till now I had never troubled myself
about politics, for the first time I began reading the gazettes, but
with so much partiality on the side of France, that my heart beat with
rapture on its most trifling advantages, and I was as much afflicted
on a reverse of fortune, as if I had been particularly concerned.
Had this folly been transient, I should not, perhaps, have mentioned
it, but it took such root in my heart (without any reasonable cause)
that when I afterwards acted the anti-despot and proud republican at
Paris, in spite of myself, I felt a secret predilection for the nation
I declared servile, and for that government I affected to oppose.
The pleasantest of all was that, ashamed of an inclination so contrary
to my professed maxims, I dared not own it to any one, but rallied the
French on their defeats, while my heart was more wounded than their
own. I am certainly the first man, that, living with a people who
treated him well, and whom he almost adored, put on, even in their own
country, a borrowed air of despising them; yet my original inclination
is so powerful, constant, disinterested, and invincible, that even
since my quitting that kingdom, since its government, magistrates, and
authors, have outvied each other in rancor against me, since it has
become fashionable to load me with injustice and abuse, I have not
been able to get rid of this folly, but notwithstanding their
ill-treatment, love them in spite of myself.
I long sought the cause of this partiality, but was never able to
find any, except in the occasion that gave it birth. A rising taste
for literature attached me to French books, to their authors, and
their country: at the very moment the French troops were passing
Chambery, I was reading Brantome's Celebrated Captains; my head was
full of the Clissons, Bayards, Lautrecs, Colignys, Montmorencys, and
Trimouilles and I loved their descendants as the heirs of their
merit and courage. In each regiment that passed by methought I saw
those famous black bands who had formerly done so many noble
exploits in Piedmont; in fine, I applied to these all the ideas I
had gathered from books; my reading continued, which, still drawn from
the same nation, nourished my affection for that country, till, at
length, it became a blind passion, which nothing could overcome. I
have had occasion to remark several times in the course of my travels,
that this impression was not peculiar to me for France, but was more
or less active in every country, for that part of the nation who
were fond of literature, and cultivated learning, and it was this
consideration that balanced in my mind the general hatred which the
conceited air of the French is so apt to inspire. Their romances, more
than their men, attract the women of all countries, and the celebrated
dramatic pieces of France create a fondness in youth for their
theaters; the reputation which that of Paris in particular has
acquired, draws to it crowds of strangers, who return enthusiasts to
their own country: in short, the excellence of their literature
captivates the senses, and in the unfortunate war just ended, I have
seen their authors and philosophers maintain the glory of France, so
tarnished by its warriors.
I was, therefore, an ardent Frenchman; this rendered me a
politician, and I attended in the public square, amid a throng of
news-mongers, the arrival of the post, and, sillier than the ass in
the fable, was very uneasy to know whose packsaddle I should next have
the honor to carry, for it was then supposed we should belong to
France, and that Savoy would be exchanged for Milan. I must confess,
however, that I experienced some uneasiness, for had this war
terminated unfortunately for the allies, the pension of Madam de
Warrens would have been in a dangerous situation; nevertheless, I
had great confidence in my good friends, the French, and for once
(in spite of the surprise of M. de Broglio) my confidence was not
ill-founded- thanks to the King of Sardinia, whom I had never
thought of.
While we were fighting in Italy, they were singing in France: the
operas of Rameau began to make a noise there, and once more raise
the credit of his theoretic works, which, from their obscurity, were
within the compass of very few understandings. By chance I heard of
his Treatise on Harmony, and had no rest till I purchased it. By
another chance I fell sick; my illness was inflammatory, short and
violent, but my convalescence was tedious, for I was unable to go
abroad for a whole month. During this time I eagerly ran over my
Treatise on Harmony, but it was so long, so diffuse, and so badly
disposed, that I found it would require a considerable time to unravel
it: accordingly I suspended my inclination, and recreated my sight
with music.
The cantatas of Bernier were what I principally exercised myself
with. These were never out of my mind; I learned four or five by
heart, and among the rest, The Sleeping Cupids, which I have never
seen since that time, though I still retain it almost entirely; as
well as Cupid Stung by a Bee, a very pretty cantata by Clerambault,
which I learned about the same time.
To complete me, there arrived a young organist from Valdost,
called the Abbe Palais, a good musician and an agreeable companion,
who performed very well on the harpsichord; I got acquainted with him,
and we soon became inseparable. He had been brought up by an Italian
monk, who was a capital organist. He explained to me his principles of
music, which I compared with Rameau; my head was filled with
accompaniments, concords and harmony, but as it was necessary to
accustom the ear to all this, I proposed to Madam de Warrens having
a little concert once a month, to which she consented.
Behold me then so full of this concert, that night or day I could
think of nothing else, and it actually employed a great part of my
time to select the music, assemble the musicians, look to the
instruments, and write out the several parts. Madam de Warrens sang;
Father Cato (whom I have before mentioned, and shall have occasion
to speak of again) sang likewise; a dancing-master named Roche, and
his son, played on the violin; Canavas, a Piedmontese musician (who
was employed like myself in the survey, and has since married at
Paris), played on the violoncello; the Abbe Palais performed on the
harpsichord, and I had the honor to conduct the whole. It may be
supposed all this was charming: I cannot say it equaled my concert
at Monsieur de Tretoren's, but certainly it was not far behind it.
This little concert, given by Madam de Warrens, the new convert, who
lived (it was expressed) on the king's charity, made the whole tribe
of devotees murmur, but was a very agreeable amusement to several
worthy people, at the head of whom it would not be easily surmised
that I should place a monk; yet, though a monk, a man of
considerable merit, and even of a very amiable disposition, whose
subsequent misfortunes gave me the most lively concern, and whose
idea, attached to that of my happy days, is yet dear to my memory. I
speak of Father Cato, a Cordelier, who, in conjunction with the
Count d'Ortan, had caused the music of poor Le Maitre to be seized
at Lyons; which action was far from being the brightest trait in his
history. He was a Bachelor of Sorbonne; had lived long in Paris
among the great world, and was particularly caressed by the Marquis
d'Antremont, then Ambassador from Sardinia. He was tall and well made;
full faced, with very fine eyes, and black hair, which formed
natural curls on each side of his forehead. His manner was at once
noble, open, and modest; he presented himself with ease and good
manners, having neither the hypocritical nor impudent behavior of a
monk, or the forward assurance of a fashionable coxcomb, but the
manners of a well-bred man, who, without blushing for his habit, set a
value on himself, and ever felt in his proper situation when in good
company. Though Father Cato was not deeply studied for a doctor, he
was much so for a man of the world, and not being compelled to show
his talents, he brought them forward so advantageously that they
appeared greater than they really were. Having lived much in the
world, he had rather attached himself to agreeable acquirements than
to solid learning; had sense, made verses, spoke well, sang better,
and aided his good voice by playing on the organ and harpsichord. So
many pleasing qualities were not necessary to make his company
sought after, and, accordingly, it was very much so, but this did
not make him neglect the duties of his function: he was chosen (in
spite of his jealous competitors) Definitor of his Province, or,
according to them, one of the greatest pillars of their order.
Father Cato became acquainted with Madam de Warrens at the Marquis
of Antremont's; he had heard of her concerts, wished to assist at
them, and by his company rendered our meetings truly agreeable. We
were soon attached to each other by our mutual taste for music,
which in both was a most lively passion, with this difference, that he
was really a musician, and myself a bungler. Sometimes assisted by
Canavas and the Abbe Palais, we had music in his apartment, or on
holidays at his organ, and frequently dined with him; for, what was
very astonishing in a monk, he was generous, profuse, and loved good
cheer, without the least tincture of greediness. After our concerts,
he always used to stay to supper, and these evenings passed with the
greatest gayety and good-humor; we conversed with the utmost
freedom, and sang duets; I was perfectly at my ease, had sallies of
wit and merriment; Father Cato was charming, Madam de Warrens
adorable, and the Abbe Palais, with his rough voice, was the butt of
the company. Pleasing moments of sportive youth, how long since have
ye fled!
As I shall have no more occasion to speak of poor Father Cato, I
will here conclude in a few words his melancholy history. His
brother monks, jealous, or rather exasperated to discover in him a
merit and elegance of manners which favored nothing monastic
stupidity, conceived the most violent hatred to him, because he was
not as despicable as themselves; the chiefs, therefore, combined
against this worthy man, and set on the envious rabble of monks, who
otherwise, would not have dared to hazard the attack. He received a
thousand indignities; they degraded him from his office, took away the
apartment which he had furnished with elegant simplicity, and, at
length, banished him, I know not whither: in short these wretches
overwhelmed him with so many evils, that his honest and proud soul
sank under the pressure, and, after having been the delight of the
most amiable societies, he died of grief, on a wretched bed, hid in
some cell or dungeon, lamented by all worthy people of his
acquaintance, who could find no fault in him, except his being a monk.
Accustomed to this manner of life for some time, I became so
entirely attached to music that I could think of nothing else. I
went to my business with disgust, the necessary confinement and
assiduity appeared an insupportable punishment, which I at length
wished to relinquish, that I might give myself up without reserve to
my favorite amusement. It will be readily believed that this folly met
with some opposition, to give up a creditable employment and fixed
salary to run after uncertain scholars was too giddy a plan to be
approved of by Madam de Warrens, and even supposing my future
success should prove as great as I flattered myself, it was fixing
very humble limits to my ambition to think of reducing myself for life
to the condition of a music-master. She, who formed for me the
brightest projects, and no longer trusted implicitly to the judgment
of M. d'Aubonne, seeing with concern that I was so seriously
occupied by a talent which she thought frivolous, frequently
repeated to me that provincial proverb, which does not hold quite so
good in Paris, Qui bien chante et bien danse, fait un metier qui peu
avance.* On the other hand, she saw me hurried away by this
irresistible passion, my taste for music having become a furor, and it
was much to be feared that my employment, suffering by my distraction,
might draw on me a discharge, which would be worse than a voluntary
resignation. I represented to her, that this employment could not last
long, that it was necessary I should have some permanent means of
subsistence, and that it would be much better to complete by
practice the acquisition of that art to which my inclination led me
than to make fresh essays, which possibly might not succeed, since
by this means, having passed the age most proper for improvement, I
might be left without a single resource for gaining a livelihood: in
short, I extorted her consent more by importunity and caresses than by
any satisfactory reasons. Proud of my success, I immediately ran to
thank M. Coccelli, Director-General of the Survey, as though I had
performed the most heroic action, and quitted my employment without
cause, reason, or pretext, with as much pleasure as I had accepted
it two years before.
* He who can sweetly sing and featly dance,
His interests right little shall advance.
This step, ridiculous as it may appear, procured me a kind of
consideration, which I found extremely useful. Some supposed I had
resources which I did not possess; others, seeing me totally given
up to music, judged of my abilities by the sacrifice I had made, and
concluded that with such a passion for the art, I must possess it in a
superior degree. In a nation of blind men, those with one eye are
kings. I passed here for an excellent master, because all the rest
were very bad ones. Possessing taste in singing, and being favored
by my age and figure, I soon procured more scholars than were
sufficient to compensate for the loss of my secretary's pay.
It is certain, that had it been reasonable to consider the
pleasure of my situation only, it was impossible to pass more speedily
from one extreme to the other. At our measuring, I was confined
eight hours in the day to the most unentertaining employment, with yet
more disagreeable company. Shut up in a melancholy counting-house,
empoisoned by the smell and respiration of a number of clowns, the
major part of whom were ill-combed and very dirty, what with
attention, bad air, constraint, and weariness, I was sometimes so
far overcome as to occasion a vertigo. Instead of this, behold me
admitted into the fashionable world, sought after in the first houses,
and everywhere received with an air of satisfaction; amiable and gay
young ladies awaiting my arrival, and welcoming me with pleasure; I
see nothing but charming objects, smell nothing but roses and orange
flowers; singing, chatting, laughter, and amusements, perpetually
succeed each other. It must be allowed, that reckoning all these
advantages, no hesitation was necessary in the choice; in fact, I
was so content with mine, that I never once repented it; nor do I even
now, when, free from the irrational motives that influenced me at that
time, I weigh in the scale of reason every action of my life.
This is, perhaps, the only time that, listening to inclination, I
was not deceived in my expectations. The easy access, obliging temper,
and free humor of this country, rendered a commerce with the world
agreeable, and the inclination I then felt for it, proves to me,
that if I have a dislike for society, it is more their fault than
mine. It is a pity the Savoyards are not rich: though, perhaps, it
would be a still greater pity if they were so, for altogether they are
the best, the most sociable people that I know, and if there is a
little city in the world where the pleasures of life are experienced
in an agreeable and friendly commerce, it is at Chambery. The gentry
of the province who assemble there have only sufficient wealth to live
and not enough to spoil them; they cannot give way to ambition, but
follow, through necessity, the counsel of Cyneas, devoting their youth
to a military employment, and returning home to grow old in peace;
an arrangement over which honor and reason equally preside. The
women are handsome, yet do not stand in need of beauty, since they
possess all those qualifications which enhance its value and even
supply the want of it. It is remarkable, that being obliged by my
profession to see a number of young girls, I do not recollect one at
Chambery but what was charming: it will be said I Was disposed to find
them so, and perhaps there may be some truth in the surmise. I
cannot remember my young scholars without pleasure. Why, in naming the
most amiable, cannot I recall them and myself also to that happy age
in which our moments, pleasing as innocent, were passed with such
happiness together? The first was Mademoiselle de Mallarede, my
neighbor, and sister to a pupil of Monsieur Gaime. She was a fine
clear brunette, lively and graceful, without giddiness; thin as
girls of that age usually are; but her bright eyes, fine shape, and
easy air, rendered her sufficiently pleasing with that degree of
plumpness which would have given a heightening to her charms. I went
there of mornings, when she was usually in her dishabille, her hair
carelessly turned up, and, on my arrival, ornamented with a flower,
which was taken off at my departure for her hair to be dressed.
There is nothing I fear so much as a pretty woman in an elegant
dishabille; I should dread them a hundred times less in full dress.
Mademoiselle de Menthon, whom I attended in the afternoon, was ever
so. She made an equally pleasing, but quite different impression on
me. Her hair was flaxen, her person delicate, she was very timid and
extremely fair, had a clear voice, capable of just modulation, but
which she had not courage to employ to its full extent. She had the
mark of a scald on her bosom, which a scanty piece of blue chenille
did not entirely cover, this scar sometimes drew my attention,
though not absolutely on its own account. Mademoiselle des Challes,
another of my neighbors, was a woman grown, tall, well-formed,
jolly, very pleasing though not a beauty, and might be quoted for
her gracefulness, equal temper, and good humor. Her sister, Madam de
Charley, the handsomest woman of Chambery, did not learn music, but
I taught her daughter, who was yet young, but whose growing beauty
promised to equal her mother's, if she had not unfortunately been a
little red-haired. I had likewise among my scholars a little French
lady, whose name I have forgotten, but who merits a place in my list
of preferences. She had adopted the slow drawling tone of the nuns, in
which voice she would utter some very keen things, which did not in
the least appear to correspond with her manner; but she was
indolent, and could not generally take pains to show her wit, that
being a favor she did not grant to every one. When with my scholars, I
was fond enough of teaching, but could not bear the idea of being
obliged to attend at a particular hour; constraint and subjection in
every shape are to me insupportable, and alone sufficient to make me
hate even pleasure itself. I am told that it is custom among the
Mohammedans to have a man pass through the streets at daybreak, and
cry out: "Husbands, do your duty to your wives." I should only make
a poor Turk at this particular hour.
Among other scholars which I had, there was one who was the indirect
cause of a change of relationship, which I must relate in its place.
She was the daughter of a grocer, and was called Mademoiselle de
Larnage, a perfect model for a Grecian statue, and whom I should quote
for the handsomest girl I have ever seen, if true beauty could exist
without life or soul. Her indolence, reserve, and insensibility were
inconceivable; it was equally impossible to please or make her
angry, and I am convinced that had any one formed a design upon her
virtue, he might have succeeded, not through her inclination, but from
her stupidity. Her mother, who would run no risk of this, did not
leave her a single moment. In having her taught to sing and
providing a young master, she had hoped to enliven her, but it all
proved ineffectual. While the master was admiring the daughter, the
mother was admiring the master, but this was equally lost labor. Madam
de Larnage added to her natural vivacity that portion of sprightliness
which should have belonged to the daughter. She was a little, ugly,
lively trollop, with small twinkling ferret eyes, and marked with
smallpox. On my arrival in the morning, I always found my coffee and
cream ready, and the mother never failed to welcome me with a kiss
on the lips, which I would willingly have returned the daughter, to
see how she would have received it. All this was done with such an air
of carelessness and simplicity, that even when M. de Larnage was
present, her kisses and caresses were not omitted. He was a good quiet
fellow, the true original of his daughter; nor did his wife endeavor
to deceive him, because there was absolutely no occasion for it.
I received all these caresses with my usual stupidity, taking them
only for marks of pure friendship, though they were sometimes
troublesome; for the lively Madam Lard was displeased, if, during
the day, I passed the shop without calling; it became necessary,
therefore (when I had no time to spare), to go out of my way through
another street, well knowing it was not so easy to quit her house as
to enter it.
Madam Lard thought so much of me, that I could not avoid thinking
something of her. Her attentions affected me greatly, and I spoke of
them to Madam de Warrens, without supposing any mystery in the matter,
but had there been one I should equally have divulged it, for to
have kept a secret of any kind from her would have been impossible. My
heart lay as open to Madam de Warrens as to Heaven. She did not
understand the matter quite so simply as I had done, but saw
advances where I only discovered friendship. She concluded that
Madam Lard would make a point of not leaving me as great a fool as she
found me, and, some way or other, contrive to make herself understood;
but exclusive of the consideration that it was not just that another
should undertake the instruction of her pupil, she had motives more
worthy of her, wishing to guard me against the snares to which my
youth and inexperience exposed me. Meantime, a more dangerous
temptation offered which I likewise escaped, but which proved to her
that such a succession of dangers required every preservative she
could possibly apply.
The Countess of Menthon, mother to one of my scholars, was a woman
of great wit, and reckoned to possess, at least, an equal share of
mischief, having (as was reported) caused a number of quarrels, and,
among others, one that terminated fatally for the house of
D'Antremont. Madam de Warrens had seen enough of her to know her
character: for having (very innocently) pleased some person to whom
Madam de Menthon had pretensions, she found her guilty of the crime of
this preference, though Madam de Warrens had neither sought after
nor accepted it, and from that moment endeavored to play her rival a
number of ill turns, none of which succeeded. I shall relate one of
the most whimsical, by way of specimen.
They were together in the country, with several gentlemen of the
neighborhood, and among the rest the lover in question. Madam de
Menthon took an opportunity to say to one of these gentlemen, that
Madam de Warrens was a prude, that she dressed ill, and
particularly, that she covered her neck like a tradeswoman. "O, for
that matter" replied the person she was speaking to (who was fond of a
joke), "she has good reason, for I know she is marked with a great
ugly rat on the bosom, so naturally, that it even appears to be
running." Hatred, as well as love, renders its votaries credulous.
Madam de Menthon resolved to make use of this discovery, and one
day, while Madam de Warrens was at cards with this lady's ungrateful
favorite, she contrived, in passing behind her rival, almost to
overset the chair she sat on, and at the same instant, very
dexterously displaced her handkerchief; but instead of this hideous
rat, the gentleman beheld a far different object, which it was not
more easy to forget than to obtain a sight of, and which by no means
answered the intentions of the lady.
I was not calculated to engross the attention of Madam de Menthon,
who loved to be surrounded by brilliant company; notwithstanding she
bestowed some attention on me, not for the sake of my person, which
she certainly did not regard, but for the reputation of wit which I
had acquired, and which might have rendered me convenient to her
predominant inclination. She had a very lively passion for ridicule,
and loved to write songs and lampoons on those who displeased her: had
she found me possessed of sufficient talents to aid the fabrication of
her verses, and complaisance enough to do so, we should presently have
turned Chambery upside down; these libels would have been traced to
their source, Madam de Menthon would have saved herself by sacrificing
me, and I should have been cooped up in prison, perhaps, for the
rest of my life, as a recompense for having figured away as the Apollo
of the ladies. Fortunately, nothing of this kind happened; Madam de
Menthon made me stay for dinner two or three days, to chat with me,
and soon found I was too dull for her purpose. I felt this myself, and
was humiliated at the discovery, envying the talents of my friend
Venture; though I should rather have been obliged to my stupidity
for keeping me out of the reach of danger. I remained, therefore,
Madam de Menthon's daughter's singing-master, and nothing more! but
I lived happily, and was ever well received at Chambery, which was a
thousand times more desirable than passing for a wit with her, and for
a serpent with everybody else.
However this might be, Madam de Warrens conceived it necessary to
guard me from the perils of youth by treating me as a man: this she
immediately set about, but in the most extraordinary manner that any
woman, in similar circumstances, ever devised. I all at once
observed that her manner was graver, and her discourse more moral than
usual. To the playful gayety with which she used to intermingle her
instructions suddenly succeeded an uniformity of manner, neither
familiar nor severe, but which seemed to prepare me for some
explanation. After having vainly racked my brain for the reason of
this change, I mentioned it to her; this she had expected and
immediately proposed a walk to our garden the next day. Accordingly we
went there the next morning; she had contrived that we should remain
alone the whole day, which she employed in preparing me for those
favors she meant to bestow; not as another woman would have done, by
toying and folly, but by discourses full of sentiment and reason,
rather tending to instruct than seduce, and which spoke more to my
heart than to my senses. Meantime, however excellent and to the
purpose these discourses might be, and though far enough from coldness
or melancholy, I did not listen to them with all the attention they
merited, nor fix them in my memory as I should have done at any
other time. That air of preparation which she had adopted gave me a
degree of inquietude; while she spoke (in spite of myself) I was
thoughtful and absent, attending less to what she said than curious to
know what she aimed at; and no sooner had I comprehended her design
(which I could not easily do) than the novelty of the idea, which,
during all the years I had passed with her, had never once entered
my imagination, took such entire possession of me that I was no longer
capable of minding what she said! I only thought of her; I heard her
no longer.
Thinking to render young minds attentive to reason by proposing some
highly interesting object as the result of it, is an error instructors
frequently run into, and one which I have not avoided in my Emilius.
The young pupil, struck with the object presented to him, is
occupied only with that, and leaping lightly over your preliminary
discourses, lights at once on the point, to which, in his idea, you
lead him too tediously. To render him attentive, he must be
prevented from seeing the whole of your design; and, in this
particular, Madam de Warrens did not act with sufficient precaution.
By a singularity of her systematic disposition, she took the vain
precaution of proposing conditions; but the moment I knew the price, I
no longer even heard them, but consented to everything, and I doubt
whether there is a man on the whole earth who would have been
sincere or courageous enough to dispute terms, or one single woman who
would have pardoned such a dispute. By the same whimsicality, she
attached a number of the gravest formalities to the acquisition of her
favors, and gave me eight days to think of them, which I assured her I
had no need of, though far from a truth; I was very glad to have
this intermission; so much had the novelty of these ideas struck me,
and such disorder did I feel in mine, that it required time to arrange
them.
It will be supposed, that these eight days appeared to me as many
ages; on the contrary, I should have been very glad had the time
been lengthened. I found myself in a strange state; it was a strange
chaos of fear and impatience, dreading what I desired, and studying
some pretext to evade my happiness.
Let the warmth of my constitution be remembered, my age, and my
heart intoxicated with love; think of my strength, my health, my blood
on fire; that in this state, burning with thirst for women, I had
never yet approached one; that imagination, necessity, vanity and
curiosity combined to excite in me the most ardent desire to be a
man and to prove myself to be one, let my tender attachment to her
be supposed, which far from having diminished, had daily gained
additional strength; I was only happy when with her, that my heart was
full, not only of her bounty, of her amiable disposition, but of her
shape, of her sex, of her person, of her self; in a word, conceive
me united to her by every affinity that could possibly render her
dear; nor let it be supposed, that, being ten or twelve years older
than myself, she began to grow an old woman, or was so in my
opinion. The first sight of her had made such an impression on me, she
had really altered very little. To me she was ever charming. She had
got something jollier, but had the same fine eyes, the same
complexion, the same bosom, the same gayety, and even the same
voice. Naturally, what I most should have feared in waiting for the
possession of a woman I loved so dearly, was to anticipate it, and not
being strong enough to control my desires and my imagination
sufficiently not to forget myself. It will be seen, that in a more
advanced age, the bare idea of some trifling favors I had to expect
from the person I loved, inflamed me so far that I could not
support, with any degree of patience, the time necessary to traverse
the short space that separated us; how then, by what miracle, when
in the flower of my youth, had I so little impatience for a
happiness I had never tasted but in idea? Why, instead of transports
that should have intoxicated me with their deliciousness, did I
experience only fears and repugnance? I have no doubt that if I
could have avoided this happiness with any degree of decency, I should
have relinquished it with all my heart. I have promised a number of
extravagancies in the history of my attachment to her; this
certainly is one that no idea could be formed of.
The reader supposes, that being in the situation I have before
described with Claude Anet, she was already degraded in my opinion
by this participation of her favors, and that a sentiment of disesteem
weakened those she had before inspired me with; but he is mistaken.
I never loved her more tenderly than when I felt so little
propensity to avail myself of her condescension. The gratification
of the senses had no influence over her; I was well convinced that her
only motive was to guard me from dangers, which appeared otherwise
inevitable, by this extraordinary favor, which she did not consider in
the same light that women usually do; as will presently be
explained. I pitied her, and I pitied myself. I would like to tell
her: No, Mama, it is not necessary; you can rely upon me without this.
But I dared not; in the first place it was a thing I hardly could tell
her, and next, because I felt innermost, that it was not the truth,
and that in reality there was only one woman who could shield me
from other women and strengthen me against temptations. Without
desiring to possess her; knew well enough that she deprived me of
the desire to possess others; to such a degree I considered anything a
misfortune that might separate me from her.
The habit of living a long time innocently together far from
weakening the first sentiments I felt for her, had contributed to
strengthen them, giving a more lively, a more tender, but at the
same time a less sensual, turn to my affection. Having ever accustomed
myself to call her Mama and enjoying the familiarity of a son, it
became natural to consider myself as such, and I am inclined to
think this was the true reason of that insensibility with a person I
so tenderly loved; for I can perfectly recollect that my emotions on
first seeing her, though not more lively, were more voluptuous: at
Annecy I was intoxicated, at Chambery I possessed my reason. I
always loved her as passionately as possible, but I now loved her more
for herself and less on my own account; or, at least, I rather
sought for happiness than pleasure in her company. She was more to
me than a sister, a mother, a friend, or even than a mistress, and for
this very reason she was not a mistress; in a word, I loved her too
much to desire her.
The day, more dreaded than hoped for, at length arrived. I have
before observed, that I promised everything that was required of me,
and I kept my word: my heart confirmed my engagements without desiring
the fruits, though at length I obtained them. For the first time I
found myself in the arms of a woman, and a woman whom I adored. Was
I happy? No: I felt I know not what invincible sadness which
empoisoned my happiness: it seemed that I had committed an incest, and
two or three times, pressing her eagerly in my arms, I deluged her
bosom with my tears. As to her, she was neither sad nor glad, she
was caressing and calm. As she was not of a sensual nature and had not
sought voluptuousness, she did not feel the delight of it, nor the
stings of remorse.
I repeat it, all her failings were the effect of her errors, never
of her passions. She was well born, her heart was pure, her manners
noble, her desires regular and virtuous, her taste delicate: she
seemed formed for that elegant purity of manners which she ever loved,
but never practiced, because instead of listening to the dictates of
her heart, she followed those of her reason, which led her astray: for
when once corrupted by false principles it will ever run counter to
its natural sentiments. Unhappily, she piqued herself on philosophy,
and the morals she drew thence clouded the purity of her heart.
M. de Tavel, her first lover, was also her instructor in this
philosophy, and the principles he instilled into her mind were such as
tended to seduce her. Finding her firmly attached to her husband and
her duty, he attacked her by sophisms, endeavoring to prove that the
list of duties she thought so sacred, was but a sort of catechism, fit
only for children. That the connection of the sexes which she
thought so terrible, was, in itself, absolutely indifferent; that
all the morality of conjugal faith consisted in opinion, the
contentment of husbands being the only reasonable rule of duty in
wives; consequently that concealed infidelities, doing no injury,
could be no crimes; in a word, he persuaded her that the sin consisted
only in the scandal, that woman being really virtuous who took care to
appear so. Thus the deceiver obtained his end in subverting the reason
of a girl, whose heart he found it impossible to corrupt, and received
his punishment in a devouring jealousy, being persuaded she would
treat him as she had treated her husband.
I don't know whether he was mistaken in this respect: the Minister
Perret passed for his successor; all I know, is, that the coldness
of temperament which it might have been supposed would have kept her
from embracing this system, in the end prevented her from renouncing
it. She could not conceive how so much importance should be given to
what seemed to have none for her; nor could she honor with the name of
virtue, an abstinence which would have cost her little.
She did not, therefore, give in to this false principle on her own
account, but for the sake of others; and that from another maxim
almost as false as the former, but more consonant to the generosity of
her disposition.
She was persuaded that nothing could attach a man so truly to any
woman as an unbounded freedom, and though she was only susceptible
of friendship, this friendship was so tender, that she made use of
every means which depended on her to secure the objects of it, and,
which is very extraordinary, almost always succeeded: for she was so
truly amiable, that an increase of intimacy was sure to discover
additional reasons to love and respect her. Another thing worthy of
remark is, that after her first folly, she only favored the
unfortunate. Lovers in a more brilliant station lost their labor
with her, but the man who at first attracted her pity, must have
possessed very few good qualities if in the end he did not obtain
her affection. Even when she made an unworthy choice, far from
proceeding from base inclinations (which were strangers to her noble
heart) it was the effect of a disposition too generous, humane,
compassionate, and sensible, which she did not always govern with
sufficient discernment.
If some false principles misled her, how many admirable ones did she
not possess, which never forsook her! By how many virtues did she
atone for her failings! if we can call by that name errors in which
the senses had so little share. The man who in one particular deceived
her so completely, had given her excellent instructions in a
thousand others; and her passions, being far from turbulent, permitted
her to follow the dictates. She ever acted wisely when her sophisms
did not intervene, and her designs were laudable even in her failings.
False principles might lead her to do ill, but she never did
anything which she conceived to be wrong. She abhorred lying and
duplicity, was just, equitable, humane, disinterested, true to her
word, her friends, and those duties which she conceived to be such;
incapable of hatred or revenge, and not even conceiving that there was
a merit in pardoning; in fine (to return to those qualities which were
less excusable), though she did not properly value, she never made a
vile commerce of her favors; she lavished, but never sold them, though
continually reduced to expedients for a subsistence: and I dare
assert, that if Socrates could esteem Aspasia, he would have respected
Madam de Warrens.
I am well aware that ascribing sensibility of heart with coldness of
temperament to the same person, I shall generally, and with great
appearance of reason, be accused of a contradiction. Perhaps Nature
sported or blundered, and this combination ought not to have
existed; I only know it did exist. All those who know Madam de Warrens
(a great number of whom are yet living) have had opportunities of
knowing this was a fact; I dare even aver she had but one pleasure
in the world, which was serving those she loved. Let every one argue
on the point as he pleases, and gravely prove that this cannot be;
my business is to declare the truth, and not to enforce a belief of
it.
I became acquainted with the particulars I have just related, in
those conversations which succeeded our union, and alone rendered it
delicious. She was right when she concluded her complaisance would
be useful to me; I derived great advantages from it in point of useful
instruction. Hitherto she had used me as a child, she now began to
treat me as a man, and entertain me with accounts of herself.
Everything she said was so interesting, and I was so sensibly
touched with it, that, reasoning with myself, I applied these
confidential relations to my own improvement and received more
instruction from them than from her teaching. When we truly feel
that the heart speaks, our own opens to receive its instructions,
nor can all the pompous morality of a pedagogue have half the effect
that is produced by the tender, affectionate, and artless conversation
of a sensible woman, on him who loves her.
The intimacy in which I lived with Madam de Warrens, having placed
me more advantageously in her opinion than formerly, she began to
think (notwithstanding my awkward manner) that I deserved
cultivation for the polite world, and that if I could one day show
myself there in an eligible situation, I should soon be able to make
my way. In consequence of this idea, she set about forming not only my
judgment, but my address, endeavoring to render me amiable, as well as
estimable; and if it is true that success in this world is
consistent with strict virtue (which, for my part, I do not
believe), I am certain there is no other road than that she had taken,
and wished to point out to me. For Madam de Warrens knew mankind,
and understood exquisitely well the art of treating all ranks, without
falsehood, and without imprudence, neither deceiving nor provoking
them; but this art was rather in her disposition than her precepts,
she knew better how to practice than explain it, and I was of all
the world the least calculated to become master of such an attainment;
accordingly, the means employed for this purpose were nearly lost
labor, as well as the pains she took to procure me a fencing and a
dancing master.
Though very well made, I could never learn to dance a minuet; for
being plagued with corns, I had acquired a habit of walking on my
heels, which Roche, the dancing master, could never break me of. It
was still worse at the fencing-school, where, after three months'
practice, I made but very little progress, and could never attempt
fencing with any but my master. My wrist was not supple enough, nor my
arm sufficiently firm to retain the foil, whenever he chose to make it
fly out of my hand. Add to this, I had a mortal aversion both to the
art itself and to the person who undertook to teach it to me, nor
should I ever have imagined, that any one could have been so proud
of the science of sending men out of the world. To bring his vast
genius within the compass of my comprehension, he explained himself by
comparisons drawn from music, which he understood nothing of. He found
striking analogies between a hit in quarte or tierce with the
intervals of music which bear those names: when he made a feint, he
cried out, "Take care of this diesis," because anciently they called
the diesis a feint: and when he had made the foil fly from my hand, he
would add, with a sneer, that this was a pause: in a word, I never
in my life saw a more insupportable pedant.
I made, therefore, but little progress in my exercises, which I
presently quitted from pure disgust; but I succeeded better in an
art of a thousand times more value, namely, that of being content with
my situation, and not desiring one more brilliant, for which I began
to be persuaded that Nature had not designed me. Given up to the
endeavor of rendering Madam de Warrens happy, I was ever best
pleased when in her company, and, notwithstanding my fondness for
music, began to grudge the time I employed in giving lessons to my
scholars.
I am ignorant whether Anet perceived the full extent of our union;
but I am inclined to think he was no stranger to it. He was a young
man of great penetration, and still greater discretion; who never
belied his sentiments, but did not always speak them: without giving
me the least hint that he was acquainted with our intimacy, he
appeared by his conduct to be so; nor did this moderation proceed from
baseness of soul, but, having entered entirely into the principles
of his mistress, he could not reasonably disapprove of the natural
consequences of them. Though as young as herself, he was so grave
and thoughtful, that he looked on us as two children who required
indulgence, and we regarded him as a respectable man, whose esteem
we had to preserve. It was not until after she was unfaithful to Anet,
that I learned the strength of her attachment to him. She was fully
sensible that I only thought, felt, or lived for her; she let me
see, therefore, how much she loved Anet, that I might love him
likewise, and dwelt less on her friendship, than on her esteem, for
him, because this was the sentiment that I could most fully partake
of. How often has she affected our hearts and made us embrace with
tears, by assuring us that we were both necessary to her happiness!
Let not women read this with an ill-natured smile; with the
temperament she possessed, this necessity was not equivocal, it was
only that of the heart.
Thus there was established, among us three, a union without example,
perhaps, on the face of the earth. All our wishes, our cares, our very
hearts, were for each other, and absolutely confined to this little.
circle. The habit of living together, and living exclusively from
the rest of the world, became so strong, that if at our repasts one of
the three was wanting, or a fourth person came in, everything seemed
deranged; and, notwithstanding our particular attachments, even our
tete-a-tetes were less agreeable than our reunion. What banished every
species of constraint from our little community, was a lively
reciprocal confidence, and dullness or insipidity could find no
place among us, because we were always fully employed. Madam de
Warrens, always projecting, always busy, left us no time for idleness,
though, indeed, we had each sufficient employment on our own
account. It is my maxim, that idleness is as much the pest of
society as of solitude. Nothing more contracts. the mind, or engenders
more tales, mischief, gossiping, and lies, than for people to be
eternally shut up in the same apartment together, and reduced, from
the want of employment, to the necessity of an incessant chat. When
every one is busy (unless you have really something to say), you may
continue silent; but if you have nothing to do, you must absolutely
speak continually, and this, in my mind, is the most burdensome and
the most dangerous constraint. I will go further, and maintain, that
to render company harmless, as well as agreeable, it is necessary, not
only that they should have something to do; but something that
requires a degree of attention.
Knitting, for instance, is absolutely as bad as doing nothing; you
must take as much pains to amuse a woman whose fingers are thus
employed, as if she sat with her arms across; but let her embroider,
and it is a different matter; she is then so far busied, that a few
intervals of silence may be borne with. What is most disgusting and
ridiculous, during these intermissions of conversation, is to see,
perhaps, a dozen overgrown fellows, get up, sit down again, walk
backwards and forwards, turn on their heels, play with the chimney
ornaments, and rack their brains to maintain an inexhaustible chain of
words: what a charming occupation! Such people, wherever they go, must
be troublesome both to others and themselves. When I was at Motiers, I
used to employ myself in making laces with my neighbors, and were I
again to mix with the world, I would always carry a cup-and-ball in my
pocket; I would sometimes play with it the whole day, that I might not
be constrained to speak when I had nothing to discourse about; and I
am persuaded, that if every one would do the same, mankind would be
less mischievous, their company would become more rational, and, in my
opinion, a vast deal more agreeable: in a word, let wits laugh if they
please, but I maintain, that the only practical lesson of morality
within the reach of the present age, is that of the cup-and-ball.
At Chambery they did not give us the trouble of studying
expedients to avoid weariness when by ourselves, for a troop of
importunate visitors gave us too much by their company, to feel any
when alone. The annoyance they formerly gave me had not diminished;
all the difference was, that I now found less opportunity to abandon
myself to my dissatisfaction. Poor Madam de Warrens had not lost her
old predilection for schemes and systems; on the contrary, the more
she felt the pressure of her domestic necessities, the more she
endeavored to extricate herself from them by visionary projects;
and, in proportion to the decrease of her present resources, she
contrived to enlarge, in idea, those of the future. Increase of
years only strengthened this folly: as she lost her relish for the
pleasures of the world and youth, she replaced it by an additional
fondness for secrets and projects: her house was never clear of
quacks, contrivers of new manufactures, alchemists, projects of all
kinds and of all descriptions, whose discourses began by a
distribution of millions and concluded by giving you to understand
that they were in want of a crown-piece. No one went from her
empty-handed; and what astonished me most was, how she could so long
support such profusion, without exhausting the source or wearying
her creditors.
Her principal project at the time I am now speaking of, was that
of establishing a Royal Physical Garden at Chambery, with a
Demonstrator attached to it; it will be unnecessary to add for whom
this office was designed. The situation of this city, in the midst
of the Alps, was extremely favorable to botany, and as Madam de
Warrens was always for helping out one project with another, a College
of Pharmacy was to be added, which really would have been a very
useful foundation in so poor a country, where apothecaries are
almost the only medical practitioners. The retreat of the chief
physician, Grossi, to Chambery, on the demise of King Victor, seemed
to favor this idea, or perhaps, first suggested it; however this may
be, by flattery and attention she set about managing Grossi, who, in
fact, was not very manageable, being the most caustic and brutal,
for a man who had any pretensions to the quality of a gentleman,
that ever I knew. The reader may judge for himself by two or three
traits of character, which I shall add by way of specimen.
He assisted one day at a consultation with some other doctors, and
among the rest, a young gentleman from Annecy, who was physician in
ordinary to the sick person. This young man, being but indifferently
taught for a doctor, was bold enough to differ in opinion from M.
Grossi, who only answered him by asking him when he should return,
which way he meant to take, and what conveyance he should make use of?
The other, having satisfied Grossi in these particulars, asked him
if there was anything he could serve him in? "Nothing, nothing,"
answered he, "only I shall place myself at a window in your way,
that I may have the pleasure of seeing an ass ride on horseback."
His avarice equaled his riches and want of feeling. One of his friends
wanted to borrow some money of him, on good security. "My friend,"
answered he, shaking him by the arm, and grinding his teeth, "should
St. Peter descend from heaven to borrow ten pistoles of me, and
offer the Trinity as sureties, I would not lend them." One day,
being invited to dinner with Count Picon, Governor of Savoy, who was
very religious, he arrived before it was ready, and found his
excellency busy at his devotions, who proposed to him the same
employment: not knowing how to refuse, he knelt down with a
frightful grimace, but had hardly recited two Ave-Marias, when, not
able to contain himself any longer, he rose hastily, snatched his
hat and cane, and, without speaking a word, was making towards the
door; Count Picon ran after him, crying, "Monsieur Grossi! Monsieur
Grossi! stop, there's a most excellent ortolan on the spit for you."
"Monsieur le Count," replied the other, turning his head, "though
you should give me a roasted angel, I would not stay." Such was M.
Grossi, whom Madam de Warrens undertook and succeeded in civilizing.
Though his time was very much occupied, he accustomed himself to
come frequently to her house, conceived a friendship for Anet,
seemed to think him intelligent, spoke of him with esteem, and, what
would not have been expected from such a brute, affected to treat
him with respect, wishing to efface the impressions of the past; for
though Anet was no longer on the footing of a domestic, it was known
that he had been one, and nothing less than the countenance and
example of the chief physician was necessary to set an example of
respect which would not otherwise have been paid him. Thus Claude
Anet, with a black coat, a well-dressed wig, a grave, decent behavior,
a circumspect conduct, and a tolerable knowledge in medical and
botanical matters, might reasonably have hoped to fill, with universal
satisfaction, the place of public demonstrator, had the proposed
establishment taken place. Grossi highly approved the plan, and only
waited an opportunity to propose it to the administration, whenever
a return of peace should permit them to think of useful
institutions, and enable them to spare the necessary pecuniary
supplies.
But this project, whose execution would probably have plunged me
into botanical studies, for which I am inclined to think Nature
designed me, failed through one of those unexpected strokes which
frequently overthrow the best concerted plans. I was destined to
become an example of human misery; and it might be said that
Providence, who called me by degrees to these extraordinary trials,
disconcerted every opportunity that could prevent my encountering
them.
In an excursion which Anet made to the top of the mountain to seek
for genipi, a scarce plant that grows only on the Alps, and which
Monsieur Grossi had occasion for, unfortunately he heated himself so
much, that he was seized with a pleurisy, which the genipi could not
relieve, though said to be specific in that disorder; and,
notwithstanding all the art of Grossi (who certainly was very
skillful), and all the care of his good mistress and myself, he died
the fifth day of his disorder, in the most cruel agonies. During his
illness he had no exhortations but mine, bestowed with such transports
of grief and zeal that, had he been in a state to understand them,
they must have been some consolation to him. Thus I lost the firmest
friend I ever had; a man estimable and extraordinary; in whom Nature
supplied the defects of education, and who (though in a state of
servitude) possessed all the virtues necessary to form a great man,
which, perhaps, he would have shown himself, and been acknowledged,
had he lived to fill the situation he seemed so perfectly adapted to.
The next day I spoke of him to Madam de Warrens with the most
sincere and lively affection; when, suddenly, in the midst of our
conversation, the vile, ungrateful thought occurred, that I should
inherit his wardrobe, and particularly a handsome black coat, which
I thought very becoming. As I thought this, I consequently uttered it;
for when with her, to think and to speak was the same thing. Nothing
could have made her feel more forcibly the loss she had sustained,
than this unworthy and odious observation; disinterestedness and
greatness of soul being qualities which poor Anet had eminently
possessed. The generous Madam de Warrens turned from me, and
(without any reply) burst into tears. Dear and precious tears! your
reprehension was fully felt; ye ran into my very heart, washing from
thence even the smallest traces of such despicable and unworthy
sentiments, never to return.
This loss caused Madam de Warrens as much inconvenience as sorrow,
since from this moment her affairs were still more deranged. Anet
was extremely exact, and kept everything in order: his vigilance was
universally feared, and this set some bounds to that profusion they
were too apt to run into; even Madam de Warrens, to avoid his censure,
kept her dissipation within bounds; his attachment was not sufficient,
she wished to preserve his esteem, and avoid the just remonstrances he
sometimes took the liberty to make her, by representing that she
squandered the property of others as well as her own. I thought as
he did, nay, I even sometimes expressed myself to the same effect, but
had not an equal ascendancy over her, and my advice did not make the
same impression. On his decease, I was obliged to occupy his place,
for which I had as little inclination as abilities, and therefore
filled it ill. I was not sufficiently careful, and so very timid, that
though I frequently found fault to myself, I saw ill-management
without taking courage to oppose it; besides, though I acquired an
equal share of respect, I had not the same authority. I saw the
disorder that prevailed, trembled at it, sometimes complained, but was
never attended to. I was too young and lively to have any pretension
to the exercise of reason, and when I would have acted the reformer,
Madam de Warrens, calling me her little Mentor, with two or three
playful slaps on the cheek, reduced me to my natural
thoughtlessness. Notwithstanding, an idea of the certain distress in
which her ill-regulated expenses, sooner or later, must necessarily
plunge her, made a stronger impression on me since I had become the
inspector of her household, and had a better opportunity of
calculating the inequality that subsisted between her income and her
expenses. I even date from this period the beginning of that
inclination to avarice which I have ever since been sensible of. I was
never foolishly prodigal, except by intervals; but till then I was
never concerned whether I had much or little money. I now began to pay
more attention to this circumstance, taking care of my purse, and
becoming mean from a laudable motive; for I only sought to insure
Madam de Warrens some resource against that catastrophe which I
dreaded the approach of. I feared her creditors would seize her
pension, or that it might be discontinued and she reduced to want,
when I foolishly imagined that the trifle I could save might be of
essential service to her; but to accomplish this, it was necessary I
should conceal what I meant to make a reserve of; for it would have
been an awkward circumstance, while she was perpetually driven to
expedients, to have her know that I hoarded money. Accordingly, I
sought out some hiding places, where I laid up a few louis,
resolving to augment this stock from time to time, till a convenient
opportunity to lay it at her feet; but I was so incautious in the
choice of my repositories, that she always discovered them, and, to
convince me that she did so, changed the louis I had concealed for a
larger sum in different pieces of coin. Ashamed of these
discoveries, I brought back to the common purse my little treasure,
which she never failed to lay out in clothes, or other things for my
use, such as a silver hilted sword, watch, etc. Being convinced that I
should never succeed in accumulating money, and that what I could save
would furnish but a very slender resource against the misfortune I
dreaded, made me wish to place myself in such a situation that I might
be enabled to provide for her, whenever she might chance to be reduced
to want. Unhappily, seeking these resources on the side of my
inclinations, I foolishly determined to consider music as my principal
dependence; and ideas of harmony rising in my brain, I imagined,
that if placed in a proper situation to profit by them, I should
acquire celebrity, and presently become a modern Orpheus, whose mystic
sounds would attract all the riches of Peru.
As I began to read music tolerably well, the question was, how I
should learn composition? The difficulty lay in meeting with a good
master, for, with the assistance of my Rameau alone, I despaired of
ever being able to accomplish it; and, since the departure of M. le
Maitre, there was nobody in Savoy that understood anything of the
principles of harmony.
I am now about to relate another of those inconsequences, which my
life is full of, and which have so frequently carried me directly from
my designs, even when I thought myself immediately within reach of
them. Venture had spoken to me in very high terms of the Abbe
Blanchard, who had taught him composition; a deserving man,
possessed of great talents, who was music-master to the cathedral at
Besancon, and is now in that capacity at the Chapel of Versailles. I
therefore determined to go to Besancon, and take some lessons from the
Abbe Blanchard, and the idea appeared so rational to me, that I soon
made Madam de Warrens of the same opinion, who immediately set about
the preparations for my journey, in the same style of profusion with
which all her plans were executed. Thus this project for preventing
a bankruptcy, and repairing in future the waste of dissipation,
began by causing her to expend eight hundred livres; her ruin being
accelerated that I might be put in a condition to prevent it.
Foolish as this conduct may appear, the illusion was complete on my
part, and even on hers, for I was persuaded I should labor for her
emolument, and she thought she was highly promoting mine.
I expected to find Venture still at Annecy, and promised myself to
obtain a recommendatory letter from him to the Abbe Blanchard; but
he had left that place, and I was obliged to content myself, in the
room of it, with a mass in four parts, of his composition, which he
had left with me. With this slender recommendation I set out for
Besancon by the way of Geneva, where I saw my relations; and through
Nion, where I saw my father, who received me in his usual manner,
and promised to forward my portmanteau, which, as I traveled on
horseback, came after me. I arrived at Besancon, and was kindly
received by the Abbe Blanchard, who promised me his instruction, and
offered his services in any other particular. We had just set about
our music, when I received a letter from my father, informing me
that my portmanteau had been seized and confiscated at Rousses, a
French barrier on the side of Switzerland. Alarmed at the news, I
employed the acquaintance I had formed at Besancon, to learn the
motive of this confiscation. Being certain there was nothing
contraband among my baggage, I could not conceive on what pretext it
could have been seized on; at length, however, I learned the rights of
the story, which (as it is a very curious one) must not be omitted.
I became acquainted at Chambery with a very worthy old man, from
Lyons, named Monsieur Duvivier, who had been employed at the Visa,
under the regency, and for want of other business, now assisted at the
survey. He had lived in the polite world, possessed talents, was
good-humored, and understood music. As we both wrote in the same
chamber, we preferred each other's acquaintance to that of the
unlicked cubs that surrounded us. He had some correspondents at Paris,
who furnished him with those little nothings, those daily novelties,
which circulate one knows not why, and die one cares not when, without
any one thinking of them longer than they are heard. As I sometimes
took him to dine with Madam de Warrens, he in some measure treated
me with respect, and (wishing to render himself agreeable)
endeavored to make me fond of these trifles, for which I naturally had
such a distaste, that I never in my life read any of them. Unhappily
one of these cursed papers happened to be in the waistcoat pocket of a
new suit, which I had only worn two or three times to prevent its
being seized by the commissioners of the customs. This paper contained
an insipid Jansenist parody on that beautiful scene in Racine's
Mithridates: I had not read ten lines of it, but by forgetfulness left
it in my pocket, and this caused all my necessaries to be confiscated.
The commissioners at the head of the inventory of my portmanteau,
set a most pompous verbal process, in which it was taken for granted
that this most terrible writing came from Geneva for the sole
purpose of being printed and distributed in France, and then ran
into holy invectives against the enemies of God and the Church, and
praised the pious vigilance of those who had prevented the execution
of these most infernal machinations. They doubtless found also that my
shirts smelt of heresy, for on the strength of this dreadful paper,
they were all seized, and from that time I never received any
account of my unfortunate portmanteau. The revenue officers whom I
applied to for this purpose required so many instructions,
informations, certificates, memorials, etc., etc., that, lost a
thousand times in the perplexing labyrinth, I was glad to abandon them
entirely. I feel a real regret for not having preserved this verbal
process from the office of Rousses, for it was a piece calculated to
hold a distinguished rank in the collection which is to accompany this
Work.
The loss of my necessaries immediately brought me back to
Chambery, without having learned anything of the Abbe Blanchard.
Reasoning with myself on the events of this journey, and seeing that
misfortunes attended all my enterprises, I resolved to attach myself
entirely to Madam de Warrens, to share her fortune, and distress
myself no longer about future events, which I could not regulate.
She received me as if I had brought back treasures, replaced by
degrees my little wardrobe, and though this misfortune fell heavy
enough on us both, it was forgotten almost as suddenly as it arrived.
Though this mischance had rather damped my musical ardor, I did
not leave off studying my Rameau, and, by repeated efforts, was at
length able to understand it, and to make some little attempts at
composition, the success of which encouraged me to proceed. The
Count de Bellegarde, son to the Marquis of Antremont, had returned
from Dresden after the death of King Augustus. Having long resided
at Paris, he was fond of music, and particularly that of Rameau. His
brother, the Count of Nangis, played on the violin; the Countess de la
Tour, their sister sung tolerably; this rendered music the fashion
at Chambery, and a kind of public concert was established there, the
direction of which was at first designed for me, but they soon
discovered I was not competent to the undertaking, and it was
otherwise arranged. Notwithstanding this, I continued writing a number
of little pieces, in my own way, and, among others, a cantata, which
gained great approbation; it could not, indeed, be called a finished
piece, but the airs were written in a style of novelty, and produced a
good effect, which was not expected from me. These gentlemen could not
believe that, reading music so indifferently, it was possible I should
compose any that was passable, and made no doubt that I had taken to
myself the credit of some other person's labors. Monsieur de Nangis,
wishing to be assured of this, called on me one morning with a cantata
of Clerambault's which he had transposed, as he said, to suit his
voice, and to which another bass was necessary, the transposition
having rendered that of Clerambault impracticable. I answered, it
required considerable labor, and could not be done on the spot.
Being convinced I only sought an excuse, he pressed me to write at
least the bass to a recitative: I did so, not well, doubtless, because
to attempt anything with success I must have both time and freedom,
but I did it at least according to rule, and he being present, could
not doubt but I understood the elements of composition. I did not,
therefore, lose my scholars, though it hurt my pride that there should
be a concert at Chambery in which I was not necessary.
About this time, peace being concluded, the French army repassed the
Alps. Several officers came to visit Madam de Warrens, and among
others the Count de Lautrec, Colonel of the regiment of Orleans, since
Plenipotentiary of Geneva, and afterwards Marshal of France, to whom
she presented me. On her recommendation, he appeared to interest
himself greatly in my behalf, promising a great deal, which he never
remembered till the last year of his life, when no longer stood in
need of his assistance. The young Marquis of Sennecterre, whose father
was then ambassador at Turin, passed through Chambery at the same
time, and dined one day at Madam de Menthon's, when I happened to be
among the guests. After dinner, the discourse turned on music, which
the marquis understood extremely well. The opera of Jephtha was then
new; he mentioned this piece, it was brought him, and he made me
tremble by proposing to execute it between us. He opened the book at
that celebrated double chorus,
La Terre, l' Enfer, le Ciel meme
Tout tremble devant le Seigneur.*
* The Earth, and Hell, and Heaven itself, tremble before the Lord.
He said, "How many parts will you take? I will do these six." I
had not yet been accustomed to this trait of French vivacity, and
though acquainted with divisions, could not comprehend how one man
could undertake to perform six, or even two parts at the same time.
Nothing has cost me more trouble in music than to skip lightly from
one part to another, and have the eye at once on a whole division.
By the manner in which I evaded this trial, he must have been inclined
to believe I did not understand music, and perhaps it was to satisfy
himself in this particular that he proposed my noting a song for
Mademoiselle de Menthon, in such a manner that I could not avoid it.
He sang this song, and I wrote from his voice, without giving him much
trouble to repeat it. When finished he read my performance, and said
(which was very true) that it was very correctly noted. He had
observed my embarrassment, and now seemed to enhance the merit of this
little success. In reality, I then understood music very well, and
only wanted that quickness at first sight which I possess in no one
particular, and which is only to be acquired in this art by long and
constant practice. Be that as it may, I was fully sensible of his
kindness in endeavoring to efface from the minds of others, and even
from my own, the embarrassment I had experienced on this occasion.
Twelve or fifteen years afterwards, meeting this gentleman at
several houses in Paris, I was tempted to make him recollect this
anecdote, and show him I still remembered it; but he had lost his
sight since that time; I feared to give him pain by recalling to his
memory how useful it formerly had been to him, and was therefore
silent on that subject.
I now touch on the moment that binds my past existence to the
present, some friendships of that period, prolonged to the present
time, being very dear to me, have frequently made me regret that happy
obscurity, when those who called themselves my friends were really so;
loved me for myself, through pure good will, and not from the vanity
of being acquainted with a conspicuous character, perhaps for the
secret purpose of finding more occasions to injure him.
From this time I date my first acquaintance with my old friend
Gauffecourt, who, notwithstanding every effort to disunite us, has
still remained so.- Still remained so!- No, alas! I have just lost
him!- but his affection terminated only with his life- death alone
could put a period to our friendship. Monsieur de Gauffecourt was
one of the most amiable men that ever existed; it was impossible to
see him without affection, or to live with him without feeling a
sincere attachment. In my life I never saw features more expressive of
goodness and serenity, or that marked more feeling, more
understanding, or inspired greater confidence. However reserved one
might be, it was impossible even at first sight to avoid being as free
with him as if he had been an acquaintance of twenty years; for
myself, who find so much difficulty to be at ease among new faces, I
was familiar with him in a moment. His manner, accent, and
conversation, perfectly suited his features: the sound of his voice
was clear, full and musical; it was an agreeable and expressive
bass, which satisfied the ear, and sounded full upon the heart. It was
impossible to possess a more equal and pleasing vivacity, or more real
and unaffected gracefulness, more natural talents, or cultivated
with greater taste; join to all these good qualities an affectionate
heart, but loving rather too diffusively, and bestowing his favors
with too little caution; serving his friends with zeal, or rather
making himself the friend of every one he could serve, yet
contriving very dexterously to manage his own affairs, while warmly
pursuing the interest of others.
Gauffecourt was the son of a clock-maker, and would have been a
clock-maker himself had not his person and desert called him to a
superior situation. He became acquainted with M. de la Closure, the
French Resident at Geneva, who conceived a friendship for him, and
procured him some connections at Paris, which were useful, and through
whose influence he obtained the privilege of furnishing the salts of
Valais, which was worth twenty thousand livres a year. This very amply
satisfied his wishes with respect to fortune, but with regard to women
he was more difficult; he had to provide for his own happiness, and
did what he supposed most conducive to it. What renders his
character most remarkable, and does him the greatest honor, is, that
though connected with all conditions, he was universally esteemed
and sought after without being envied or hated by any one, and I
really believe he passed through life without a single enemy.- Happy
man!
He went every year to the baths of Aix, where the best company
from the neighboring countries resorted, and being on terms of
friendship with all the nobility of Savoy, came from Aix to Chambery
to see the young Count de Bellegarde and his father the Marquis of
Antremont. It was here Madam de Warrens introduced me to him, and this
acquaintance, which appeared at that time to end in nothing, after
many years had elapsed, was renewed on an occasion which I should
relate, when it became a real friendship. I apprehend I am
sufficiently authorized in speaking of a man to whom I was so firmly
attached, but I had no personal interest in what concerned him; he was
so truly amiable, and born with so many natural good qualities,
that, for the honor of human nature, I should think it necessary to
preserve his memory. This man, estimable as he certainly was, had,
like other mortals, some failings, as will be seen hereafter;
perhaps had it not been so, he would have been less amiable, since, to
render him as interesting as possible, it was necessary he should
sometimes act. in such a manner as to require a small portion of
indulgence.
Another connection of the same time, that is not yet extinguished,
and continues to flatter me with the idea of temporal happiness, which
is so difficult to obliterate from the human heart, is Monsieur de
Conzie, a Savoyard gentleman, then young and amiable, who had a
fancy to learn music, or rather to be acquainted with the person who
taught it. With great understanding and taste for polite acquirements,
M. de Conzie possessed a mildness of disposition which rendered him
extremely attractive, and my temper being somewhat similar, when it
found a counterpart, our friendship was soon formed. The seeds of
literature and philosophy, which began to ferment in my brain, and
only waited for culture and emulation to spring up, found in him
exactly what was wanting to render them prolific. M. de Conzie had
no great inclination to music, and even this was useful to me, for the
hours destined for lessons were passed anyhow rather than musically;
we breakfasted, chatted, and read new publications, but not a word
of music.
The correspondence between Voltaire and the Prince Royal of
Prussia then made a noise in the world, and these celebrated men
were frequently the subject of our conversation, one of whom
recently seated on a throne, already indicated what he would prove
himself hereafter, while the other, as much disgraced as he is now
admired, made us sincerely lament the misfortunes that seemed to
pursue him, and which are so frequently the appendage of superior
talents. The Prince of Prussia had not been happy in his youth, and it
appeared that Voltaire was formed never to be so. The interest we took
in both parties extended to all that concerned them, and nothing
that Voltaire wrote escaped us. The inclination I felt for these
performances inspired me with a desire to write elegantly, and
caused me to endeavor to imitate the coloring of that author, with
whom I was so much enchanted. Some time after, his philosophical
letters (though certainly not his best work) greatly augmented my
fondness for study; it was a rising inclination, which, from that
time, has never been extinguished.
But the moment was not yet arrived when I should give in to it
entirely; my rambling disposition (rather contracted than
eradicated) being kept alive by our manner of living at Madam de
Warrens', which was too unsettled for one of my solitary temper. The
crowd of strangers who daily swarmed about her from all parts, and the
certainty I was in that these people sought only to dupe her, each
in his particular mode, rendered home disagreeable. Since I had
succeeded Anet in the confidence of his mistress, I had strictly
examined her circumstances, and saw their evil tendency with horror. I
had remonstrated a hundred times, prayed, argued, conjured, but all to
no purpose. I had thrown myself at her feet, and strongly
represented the catastrophe that threatened her, had earnestly
entreated that she would reform her expenses, and begin with myself,
representing that it was better to suffer something while she was
yet young, than by multiplying her debts and creditors, expose her old
age to vexation and misery.
Sensible of the sincerity of my zeal, she was frequently affected,
and would then make the finest promises in the world: but only let
an artful schemer arrive, and in an instant all her good resolutions
were forgotten. After a thousand proofs of the inefficacy of my
remonstrances, what remained but to turn away my eyes from the ruin
I could not prevent; and fly myself from the door I could not guard! I
made therefore little journeys to Nion, to Geneva and Lyons, which
diverted my mind in some measure from this secret uneasiness, though
it increased the cause by these additional expenses. I can truly
aver that I should have acquiesced with pleasure in every
retrenchment, had Madam de Warrens really profited by it, but being
persuaded that what I might refuse myself would be distributed among a
set of interested villains, I took advantage of her easiness to
partake with them, and, like the dog returning from the shambles,
carried off a portion of that morsel which I could not protect.
Pretenses were not wanting for all these journeys; even Madam de
Warrens would alone have supplied me with more than were necessary,
having plenty of connections, negotiations, affairs, and
commissions, which she wished to have executed by some trusty hand. In
these cases she usually applied to me; I was always willing to go, and
consequently found occasions enough to furnish out a rambling kind
of life. These excursions procured me some good connections, which
have since been agreeable or useful to me. Among others, I met at
Lyons, with M. Perrichon, whose friendship I accuse myself with not
having sufficiently cultivated, considering the kindness he had for
me; and that of the good Parisot, which I shall speak of in its place;
at Grenoble, that of Madam Deybens and Madam la Presidente de
Bardonanche, a woman of great understanding, and who would have
entertained a friendship for me had it been in my power to have seen
her oftener; at Geneva, that of M. de la Closure, the French Resident,
who often spoke to me of my mother, the remembrance of whom neither
death nor time had erased from his heart; likewise those of the two
Barillots, the father, who was very amiable, a good companion, and one
of the most worthy men I ever met, calling me his grandson. During the
troubles of the republic, these two citizens took contrary sides,
the son siding with the people, the father with the magistrates.
When they took up arms in 1737, I was at Geneva, and saw the father
and son quit the same house armed, the one going to the town-house,
the other to his quarters, almost certain to meet face to face in
the course of two hours, and prepared to give or receive death from
each other. This unnatural sight made so lively an impression on me,
that I solemnly vowed never to interfere in any civil war, nor
assist in deciding our internal dispute by arms, either personally
or by my influence, should I ever enter into my rights as a citizen. I
can bring proofs of having kept this oath on a very delicate occasion,
and it will be confessed (at least I should suppose so) that this
moderation was of some worth.
But I had not yet arrived at that fermentation of patriotism which
the first sight of Geneva in arms has since excited in my heart, as
may be conjectured by a very grave fact that will not tell to my
advantage, which I forgot to put in its proper place, but which
ought not to be omitted.
My uncle Bernard died at Carolina, where he had been employed some
years in the building of Charles Town, which he had formed the plan
of. My poor cousin, too, died in the Prussian service; thus my aunt
lost, nearly at the same period, her son and husband. These losses
reanimated in some measure her affection for the nearest relative
she had remaining, which was myself. When I went to Geneva, I reckoned
her house my home, and amused myself with rummaging and turning over
the books and papers my uncle had left. Among them I found some
curious ones, and some letters which they certainly little thought of.
My aunt, who set no store by these dusty papers, would willingly
have given the whole to me, but I contented myself with two or three
books, with notes written by the Minister Bernard, my grandfather, and
among the rest, the posthumous works of Rohault in quarto, the margins
of which were full of excellent commentaries, which gave me an
inclination to the mathematics. This book remained among those of
Madam de Warrens', and I have since lamented that I did not preserve
it. To these I added five or six memorials in manuscript, and a
printed one, composed by the famous Micheli Ducret, a man of
considerable talents, being both learned and enlightened, but too
much, perhaps, inclined to sedition, for which he was cruelly
treated by the magistrates of Geneva, and lately died in the
fortress of Arberg, where he had been confined many years, for
being, as it was said, concerned in the conspiracy of Berne.
This memorial was a judicious critique on the extensive but
ridiculous plan of fortification, which had been adopted at Geneva,
though censured by every person of judgment in the art, who was
unacquainted with the secret motives of the council, in the
execution of this magnificent enterprise. Monsieur de Micheli, who had
been excluded from the committee of fortification for having condemned
this plan, thought that, as a citizen, and a member of the two
hundred, he might give his advice at large, and therefore, did so in
this memorial, which he was imprudent enough to have printed, though
he never published it, having only those copies struck off which
were meant for the two hundred, and which were all intercepted at
the post-house by order of the senate.* I found this memorial among my
uncle's papers, with the answer he had been ordered to make to it, and
took both. This was soon after I had left my place at the survey,
and I yet remained on good terms with the Counselor de Coccelli, who
had the management of it. Some time after, the director of the
custom-house entreated me to stand godfather to his child, with
Madam Coccelli, who was to be godmother: proud of being placed on such
terms of equality with the counselor, I wished to assume importance,
and show myself worthy of that honor.
* The grand council of Geneva, in December, 1728, pronounced this
paper highly disrespectful to the councils, and injurious to the
committee of fortification.
Full of this idea, I thought I could do nothing better than show him
Micheli's memorial, which was really a scarce piece, and would prove I
was connected with people of consequence in Geneva, who were intrusted
with the secrets of the state, yet by a kind of reserve which I should
find it difficult to account for, I did not show him my uncle's
answer, perhaps, because it was manuscript, and nothing less than
print was worthy to approach the counselor. He understood, however, so
well the importance of this paper, which I had the folly to put into
his hands, that I could never after get it into my possession, and
being convinced that every effort for that purpose would be
ineffectual, I made a merit of my forbearance, transforming the
theft into a present. I made no doubt that this writing (more curious,
however, than useful) answered his purpose at the court of Turin,
where probably he took care to be reimbursed in some way or other
for the expense which the acquisition of it might be supposed to
have cost him. Happily, of all future contingencies, the least
probable, is, that the King of Sardinia ever should besiege Geneva,
but as that event is not absolutely impossible, I shall ever
reproach my foolish vanity with having been the means of pointing
out the greatest defects of that city to its most ancient enemy.
I passed two or three years in this manner, between music,
magistery, projects, and journeys, floating incessantly from one
object to another, and wishing to fix though I knew not on what, but
insensibly inclining towards study. I was acquainted with men of
letters, I heard them speak of literature, and sometimes mingled in
the conversation, yet rather adopted the jargon of books, than the
knowledge contained. In my excursions, I frequently called on my
good old friend Monsieur Simon, who greatly promoted my rising
emulation by fresh news from the republic of letters, extracted from
Baillet or Colomies. I frequently saw too, at Chambery, a Jacobin
professor of physic, a good kind of friar, who often made little
chemical experiments which greatly amused me. In imitation of him, I
attempted to make some sympathetic ink, and having for that purpose
more than half filled a bottle with quicklime, orpiment, and water,
the effervescence immediately became extremely violent; I ran to
unstop the bottle, but had not time to effect it, for, during the
attempt, it burst in my face like a bomb, and I swallowed so much of
the orpiment and lime, that it nearly cost me my life. I remained
blind for six weeks, and by the event of this experiment learned to
meddle no more with experimental chemistry while the elements were
unknown to me.
This adventure happened very unluckily for my health, which, for
some time past, had been visibly on the decline. This was rather
extraordinary, as I was guilty of no kind of excess; nor could it have
been expected from my make, for my chest, being well formed and rather
capacious, seemed to give my lungs full liberty to play; yet I was
short breathed, felt a very sensible oppression, sighed involuntarily,
had palpitations of the heart, and spitting of blood, accompanied with
a lingering fever, which I have never since entirely overcome. How
is it possible to fall into such a state in the flower of one's age,
without any inward decay, or without having done anything to destroy
health?
It is sometimes said, "the sword wears out the scabbard," this was
truly the case with me: the violence of my passions both kept me alive
and hastened my dissolution. What passions? will be asked: mere
nothings: the most trivial objects in nature, but which affected me as
forcibly as if the acquisition of a Helen, or the throne of the
universe were at stake. In the first place- women, when I possessed
one my senses, for instance, were at ease with one woman, but my heart
never was, and the necessities of love consumed me in the very bosom
of happiness. I had a tender, respected and lovely friend, but I
sighed for a mistress; my prolific fancy painted her as such, and gave
her a thousand forms, for had I conceived that my endearments had been
lavished on Madam de Warrens, they would not have been less tender,
though infinitely more tranquil. If I had believed that I held Madam
de Warrens in my arms, when I held her there, my embraces would not
have been less spirited, but all my desires would have been
extinguished; I should have sobbed from love, but I should not have
enjoyed it. Enjoyment! Can ever man be so happy? Ah! If only once in
my life I had tasted all the delights of love in their fullness, I
imagine that my frail body would be inadequate, and I should have died
on the spot. But is it possible for man to taste, in their utmost
extent, the delights of love? I cannot tell, but I am persuaded my
frail existence would have sunk under the weight of them.
I was, therefore, dying for love without an object, and this
state, is of all others, the most dangerous. I was tormented at the
bad state of poor Madam de Warrens' circumstances, and the
imprudence of her conduct, which could not fail to bring to her
total ruin.
Music was a passion less turbulent, but not less consuming, from the
ardor with which I attached myself to it, by the obstinate study of
the obscure books of Rameau; by an invincible resolution to charge
my memory with rules it could not contain; by continual application,
and by long and immense compilations which I frequently passed whole
nights in copying: but why dwell on these particularly, while every
folly that took possession of my wandering brain, the most transient
ideas of a single day, a journey, a concert, a supper, a walk, a novel
to read, a play to see, things in the world the least premeditated
in my pleasures or occupation became for me the most violent passions,
which by their ridiculous impetuosity conveyed the most serious
torments; even the imaginary misfortunes of, Cleveland, read with
avidity and frequent interruption, have, I am persuaded, disordered me
more than my own.
There was a Genevese, named Bagueret, who had been employed under
Peter the Great, of the court of Russia, one of the most worthless,
senseless fellows I ever met with, full of projects as foolish as
himself, which were to rain down millions on those who took part in
them. This man, having come to Chambery on account of some suit
depending before the senate, immediately got acquainted with Madam
de Warrens, and with great reason on his side, since for those
imaginary treasures that cost him nothing, and which he bestowed
with the utmost prodigality, he gained, in exchange, the unfortunate
crown pieces one by one out of her pocket. I did not like him, and
he plainly perceived this, for with me it is not a very difficult
discovery, nor did he spare any sort of meanness to gain my good will,
and among other things proposed teaching me to play at chess, which
game he understood something of. I made an attempt, though almost
against my inclination, and after several efforts, having learned
the moves, my progress was so rapid, that before the end of the
first sitting I gave him the rook, which in the beginning he had given
me. Nothing more was necessary; behold me fascinated with chess! I buy
a chess-board and a "Calabrois," and shutting myself up in my
chamber pass whole days and nights in studying all the varieties of
the game, being determined by playing alone, without end or
relaxation, to drive them into my head, right or wrong. After
incredible efforts, during two or three months passed in this
curious employment, I go to the coffee-house, thin, sallow, and almost
stupid; I seat myself, and again attack M. Bagueret: he beats me,
once, twice, twenty times; so many combinations were fermenting in
my head, and my imagination was so stupefied, that all appeared
confusion. I tried to exercise myself with Philidor's or Stamma's book
of instructions, but I was still equally perplexed, and, after
having exhausted myself with fatigue, was further to seek than ever,
and whether I abandoned my chess for a time, or resolved to surmount
every difficulty by unremitted practice, it was the same thing. I
could never advance one step beyond the improvement of the first
sitting, nay, I am convinced that had I studied it a thousand ages,
I should have ended by being able to give Bagueret the rook and
nothing more.
It will be said my time was well employed, and not a little of it
passed in this occupation, nor did I quit my first essay till unable
to persist in it, for on leaving my apartment I had the appearance
of a corpse, and had I continued this course much longer I should
certainly have been one.
Any one will allow that it would have been extraordinary, especially
in the ardor of youth, that such a head should suffer the body to
enjoy continued health; the alteration of mine had an effect on my
temper, moderating the ardor of my chimerical fancies, for as I grew
weaker they became more tranquil, and I even lost, in some measure, my
rage for traveling. I was not seized with heaviness, but melancholy;
vapors succeeded passions, languor became sorrow: I wept and sighed
without cause, and felt my life ebbing away before I had enjoyed it. I
only trembled to think of the situation in which I should leave my
dear Madam de Warrens; and I can truly say, that quitting her, and
leaving her in these melancholy circumstances, was my only concern. At
length I fell quite ill, and was nursed by her as never mother
nursed a child. The care she took of me was of real utility to her
affairs, since it diverted her mind from schemes, and kept
projectors at a distance. How pleasing would death have been at that
time, when, if I had not tasted many of the pleasures of life, I had
felt but few of its misfortunes. My tranquil soul would have taken her
flight, without having experienced those cruel ideas of the
injustice of mankind which embitters both life and death. I should
have enjoyed the sweet consolation that I still survived in the dearer
part of myself: in the situation I then was, it could hardly be called
death; and had I been divested of my uneasiness on her account, it
would have appeared but a gentle sleep; yet even these disquietudes
had such an affectionate and tender turn, that their bitterness was
tempered by a pleasing sensibility. I said to her, "You are the
depository of my whole being, act so that I may be happy." Two or
three times, when my disorder was most violent, I crept to her
apartment to give her my advice respecting her future conduct and I
dare affirm these admonitions were both wise and equitable, in which
the interest I took in her future concerns were strongly marked. As if
tears had been both nourishment and medicine, I found myself the
better for those I shed with her, while seated on her bed-side, and
holding her hands between mine. The hours crept insensibly away in
these nocturnal discourses; I returned to my chamber better than I had
quitted it, being content and calmed by the promises she made, and the
hopes with which she had inspired me: I slept on them with my heart at
peace, and fully resigned to the dispensations of Providence. God
grant, that after having had so many reasons to hate life, after being
agitated with so many storms, after it has even become a burden,
that death, which must terminate all, may be no more terrible than
it would have been at that moment!
By inconceivable care and vigilance, she saved my life; and I am
convinced she alone could have done this. I have little faith in the
skill of physicians, but depend greatly on the assistance of real
friends, and am persuaded that being easy in those particulars on
which our happiness depends, is more salutary than any other
application. If there is a sensation in life peculiarly delightful, we
experienced it in being restored to each other; our mutual
attachment did not increase, for that was impossible, but it became, I
know not how, more exquisitely tender, fresh softness being added to
its former simplicity. I became in a manner her work; we got into
the habit, though without design, of being continually with each
other, and enjoying, in some measure, our whole existence together,
feeling reciprocally that we were not only necessary, but entirely
sufficient for each other's happiness. Accustomed to think of no
subject foreign to ourselves, our happiness and all our desires were
confined to that pleasing and singular union, which, perhaps, had no
equal, which is not, as I have before observed, love, but a
sentiment inexpressibly more intimate, neither depending on the
senses, sex, age, nor figure, but an assemblage of every endearing
sensation that composes our rational existence and which can cease
only with our being.
How was it that this delightful crisis did not secure our mutual
felicity for the remainder of her life and mine? I have the
consoling conviction that it was not my fault; nay, I am persuaded,
she did not willfully destroy it; the invincible peculiarity of my
disposition was doomed soon to regain its empire; but this fatal
return was not suddenly accomplished, there was, thank Heaven, a short
but precious interval, that did not conclude by my fault, and which
I cannot reproach myself with having employed amiss.
Though recovered from my dangerous illness, I did not regain my
strength; my chest was weak, some remains of the fever kept me in a
languishing condition, and the only inclination I was sensible of, was
to end my days near one so truly dear to me; to confirm her in those
good resolutions she had formed; to convince her in what consisted the
real charms of a happy life, and, as far as depended on me, to
render hers so; but I foresaw that in a gloomy, melancholy house,
the continual solitude of our tete-a-tetes would at length become
too dull and monotonous: a remedy presented itself: Madam de Warrens
had prescribed milk for me, and insisted that I should take it in
the country; I consented, provided she would accompany me; nothing
more was necessary to gain her compliance, and whither we should go
was all that remained to be determined on. Our garden (which I have
before mentioned) was not properly in the country, being surrounded by
houses and other gardens, and possessing none of those attractions
so desirable in a rural retreat; besides, after the death of Anet,
we had given up this place from economical principles, feeling no
longer a desire to rear plants, and other views making us not regret
the loss of that little retreat. Improving the distaste I found she
began to imbibe for the town, I proposed to abandon it entirely, and
settle ourselves in an agreeable solitude, in some small house,
distant enough from the city to avoid the perpetual intrusion of her
hangers-on. She followed my advice, and this plan, which her good
angel and mine suggested, might fully have secured our happiness and
tranquility till death had divided us- but this was not the state we
were appointed to; Madam de Warrens was destined to endure all the
sorrows of indigence and poverty, after having passed the former
part of her life in abundance, that she might learn to quit it with
the less regret; and myself, by an assemblage of misfortunes of all
kinds, was to become a striking example to those, who, inspired with a
love of justice and the public good, and trusting too implicitly to
their own innocence, shall openly dare to assert truth to mankind,
unsupported by cabals, or without having previously formed parties
to protect them.
An unhappy fear furnished some objections to our plan: she did not
dare to quit her ill-contrived house, for fear of displeasing the
proprietor. "Your proposed retirement is charming," said she, "and
much to my taste, but we are necessitated to remain here, for, on
quitting this dungeon, I hazard losing the very means of life, and
when these fail us in the woods, we must again return to seek them
in the city. That we may have the least possible cause for being
reduced to this necessity, let us not leave this house entirely, but
pay a small pension to the Count of Saint-Laurent, that he may
continue mine. Let us seek some little habitation, far enough from the
town to be at peace, yet near enough to return when it may appear
convenient."
This mode was finally adopted; and after some small search, we fixed
at Charmettes, on an estate belonging to M. de Conzie, at a very small
distance from Chambery; but as retired and solitary as if it had
been a hundred leagues off. The spot we had concluded on was a
valley between two tolerably high hills, which ran north and south; at
the bottom, among the trees and pebbles, ran a rivulet, and above
the declivity, on either side, were scattered a number of houses,
forming altogether a beautiful retreat for those who love a peaceful
romantic asylum. After having examined two or three of these houses,
we chose that which we thought the most pleasing, which was the
property of a gentleman of the army, called M. Noiret. This house
was in good condition, before it a garden, forming a terrace; below
that on the declivity an orchard, and on the ascent, behind the house,
a vineyard: a little wood of chestnut trees opposite; a fountain
just by, and higher up the hill, meadows for the cattle; in short, all
that could be thought necessary for the country retirement we proposed
to establish. To the best of my remembrance, we took possession of
it towards the latter end of the summer of 1736. I was delighted on
going to sleep there- "Oh!" said I, to this dear friend, embracing her
with tears of tenderness and delight, "this is the abode of
happiness and innocence; if we do not find them here together it
will be in vain to seek them elsewhere."
BOOK VI
[1736]
Hoc erat in votis: Modus agri non ita magnus
Hortus ubi, et tecto vicinus jugis aquae fons;
Et paulum sylvae super his foret.
I CANNOT add: auctius atque di melius fecere. But no matter, the
former is enough for my purpose; I had no occasion to have any
property there, it was sufficient that I enjoyed it; for I have long
since both said and felt, that the proprietor and possessor are two
very different people, even leaving husbands and lovers out of the
question.
At this moment began the short happiness of my life, those
peaceful and rapid moments, which have given me a right to say, I have
lived. Precious and ever-regretted moments! Ah! recommence your
delightful course; pass more slowly through my memory, if possible,
than you actually did in your fugitive succession. How shall I
prolong, according to my inclination, this recital at once so pleasing
and simple? How shall I continue to relate the same occurrences,
without wearying my readers with the repetition, any more than I was
satiated with the enjoyment? Again, if all this consisted of facts,
actions, or words, I could somehow or other convey an idea of it;
but how shall I describe what was neither said nor done, nor even
thought, but enjoyed, felt, without being able to particularize any
other object of my happiness than the bare idea? I rose with the
sun, and was happy; I walked, and was happy; I saw Madam de Warrens,
and was happy; I quitted her, and still was happy!- Whether I
rambled through the woods, over the hills, or strolled along the
valley; read, was idle, worked in the garden, or gathered fruits,
happiness continually accompanied me; it was fixed on no particular
object, it was within me, nor could I depart from it a single moment.
Nothing that passed during that charming epocha, nothing that I did,
said, or thought, has escaped my memory. The time that preceded or
followed it, I only recollect by intervals, unequally and confused;
but here I remember all as distinctly as if it existed at this moment.
Imagination, which in my youth was perpetually anticipating the
future, but now takes a retrograde course, makes some amends by
these charming recollections for the deprivation of hope, which I have
lost forever. I no longer see anything in the future that can tempt my
wishes, it is a recollection of the past alone that can flatter me,
and the remembrance of the period I am now describing is so true and
lively, that it sometimes makes me happy, even in spite of my
misfortunes.
Of these recollections I shall relate one example, which may give
some idea of their force and precision. The first day we went to sleep
at Charmettes, the way being up-hill, and Madam de Warrens rather
heavy, she was carried in a chair, while I followed on foot. Fearing
the chairmen would be fatigued, she got out about half-way,
designing to walk the rest of it. As we passed along, she saw
something blue in the hedge, and said, "There's some periwinkle in
flower yet!" I had never seen any before, nor did I stop to examine
this: my sight is too short to distinguish plants on the ground, and I
only cast a look at this as I passed: an interval of near thirty years
had elapsed before I saw any more periwinkle, at least before I
observed it, when being at Cressier, in 1764, with my friend, M. du
Peyrou, we went up a small mountain, on the summit of which there is a
level spot, called with reason, Belle-vue; I was then beginning to
herbalize;- walking and looking among the bushes, I exclaimed with
rapture, "Ah, there's some periwinkle!" Du Peyrou, who perceived my
transport, was ignorant of the cause, but will some day be informed, I
hope, on reading this. The reader may judge by this impression, made
by so small an incident, what an effect must have been produced by
every occurrence of that time.
Meantime, the air of the country did not restore my health; I was
languishing and became more so; I could not endure milk, and was
obliged to discontinue the use of it. Water was at this time the
fashionable remedy for every complaint; accordingly I entered on a
course of it, and so indiscreetly, that it almost released me, not
only from my illness but also from my life. Every morning I went to
the fountain and drank about two bottles, while I walked. I stopped
drinking wine at meals. The water was rather hard and difficult to
pass, as water from mountains generally is; in two months I ruined
my stomach, which had been very good, and no longer digested
anything properly. At this time an accident happened, as singular in
itself as in its subsequent consequences, which can only terminate
with my existence.
One morning, being no worse than usual, while putting up the leaf of
a small table, I felt a sudden and almost inconceivable revolution
throughout my whole frame. I know not how to describe it better than
as a kind of tempest, which suddenly rose in my blood, and spread in a
moment over every part of my body. My arteries began beating so
violently that I not only felt their motion, but even heard it,
particularly that of the carotids, attended by a loud noise in my
ears, which was of three, or rather four, distinct kinds. For
instance, first a grave hollow buzzing; then a more distinct murmur,
like the running of water; then an extremely sharp hissing, attended
by the beating I before mentioned, and whose throbs I could easily
count, without feeling my pulse, or putting a hand to any part of my
body. This internal tumult was so violent that it has injured my
auricular organs, and rendered me, from that time, not entirely
deaf, but hard of hearing.
My surprise and fear may easily be conceived; imagining it was the
stroke of death, I went to bed, and the physician being sent for,
trembling with apprehension, I related my case, judging it past all
cure. I believe the doctor was of the same opinion; however he
performed his office, running over a long string of causes and effects
beyond my comprehension, after which, in consequence of this sublime
theory, he set about, in anima vili, the experimental part of his art,
but the means he was pleased to adopt in order to effect a cure were
so troublesome, disgusting, and followed by so little effect, that I
soon discontinued it, and after some weeks, finding I was neither
better nor worse, left my bed, and returned to my usual method of
living but the beating of my arteries and the buzzing in my ears,
has never quitted me a moment during the thirty years which has
elapsed since that time.
Till now, I had been a great sleeper, but a total privation of
repose, with other alarming symptoms which have accompanied it, even
to this time, persuaded me I had but a short time to live. This idea
tranquillized me for a time: I became less anxious about a cure, and
being persuaded I could not prolong life, determined to employ the
remainder of it as usefully as possible. This was practicable by a
particular indulgence of Nature, which, in this melancholy state,
exempted me from sufferings which it might have been supposed I should
have experienced. I was incommoded by the noise, but felt no pain, nor
was it accompanied by any habitual inconvenience, except nocturnal
wakefulness, and at all times a shortness of breath, which is not
violent enough to be called an asthma, but was troublesome when I
attempted to run, or use any degree of exertion.
This accident, which seemed to threaten the dissolution of my
body, only killed my passions, and I have reason to thank Heaven for
the happy effect produced by it on my soul. I can truly say, I only
began to live when I considered myself as entering the grave; for,
estimating at their real value those things, was quitting, I began
to employ myself on nobler objects, namely by anticipating those I
hoped shortly to have the contemplation of, and which I had hitherto
too much neglected. I had often made light of religion, but was
never totally devoid of it; consequently, it cost me less pain to
employ my thoughts on that subject, which is generally thought
melancholy, though highly pleasing to those who make it an object of
hope and consolation; Madam de Warrens, therefore, was more useful
to me on this occasion than all the theologians in the world would
have been.
She, who brought everything into a system, had not failed to do as
much by religion; and this system was composed of ideas that bore no
affinity to each other. Some were extremely good, and others very
ridiculous, being made up of sentiments proceeding from her
disposition, and prejudices derived from education. Men, in general,
make God like themselves; the virtuous make Him good, and the
profligate make Him wicked; ill-tempered and bilious devotees see
nothing but hell, because they would willingly damn all mankind; while
loving and gentle souls disbelieve it altogether; and one of the
astonishments I could never overcome, is to see the good Fenelon speak
of it in his Telemachus as if he really gave credit to it; but I
hope he lied in that particular for however strict he might be in
regard to truth, a bishop absolutely must lie sometimes. Madam de
Warrens spoke truth with me, and that soul, made up without gall,
who could not imagine a revengeful and ever angry God, saw only
clemency and forgiveness, where devotees bestowed inflexible
justice, and eternal punishment.
She frequently said there would be no justice in the Supreme Being
should He be strictly just to us; because, not having bestowed what
was necessary to render us essentially good, it would be requiring
more than He had given. The most whimsical idea was, that not
believing in hell, she was firmly persuaded of the reality of
purgatory. This arose from her not knowing what to do with the wicked,
being loath to damn them utterly, nor yet caring to place them with
the good till they had become so; and we must really allow, that
both in this world and the next, the wicked are very troublesome
company.
It is clearly seen that the doctrine of original sin and the
redemption of mankind is destroyed by this system; consequently that
the basis of the Christian dispensation, as generally received, is
shaken, and that the Catholic faith cannot subsist with these
principles; Madam de Warrens, notwithstanding, was a good Catholic, or
at least pretended to be one, and certainly desired to become such,
but it appeared to her that the scriptures were too literally and
harshly explained, supposing that all we read of everlasting
torments were figurative threatenings, and the death of Jesus Christ
an example of charity, truly divine, which should. teach mankind to
love God and each other; in a word, faithful to the religion she had
embraced, she acquiesced in all its professions of faith, but on a
discussion of each particular article, it was plain she thought
diametrically opposite to that church whose doctrines she professed to
believe. In these cases, she exhibited simplicity of art, a
frankness more eloquent than sophistry, which frequently embarrassed
her confessor; for she disguised nothing from him. "I am a good
Catholic," she would say, "and will ever remain so; I adopt with all
the powers of my soul the decisions of our holy Mother Church; I am
not mistress of my faith, but I am of my will, which I submit to you
without reserve; I will endeavor to believe all,- what can you require
more?"
Had there been no Christian morality established, I am persuaded she
would have lived as if regulated by its principles, so perfectly did
they seem to accord with her disposition. She did everything that
was required; and she would have done the same had there been no
such requisition: but all this morality was subordinate to the
principles of M. Tavel, or rather she pretended to see nothing in
religion that contradicted them; thus she would have favored twenty
lovers in a day, without any idea of a crime, her conscience being
no more moved in that particular than her passions. I know that a
number of devotees are not more scrupulous, but the difference is,
they are seduced by constitution, she was blinded by her sophisms.
In the midst of conversations the most affecting, I might say the most
edifying, she would touch on this subject without any change of air or
manner, and without being sensible of any contradiction in her
opinions; so much was she persuaded that our restrictions on that head
are merely political, and that any person of sense might interpret,
apply, or make exceptions to them, without any danger of offending the
Almighty.
Though I was far enough from being of the same opinion in this
particular, I confess I dared not combat hers; indeed, as I was
situated, it would have been putting myself in rather awkward
circumstances, since I could only have sought to establish my
opinion for others, myself being an exception. Besides, I
entertained but little hopes of making her alter hers, which never had
any great influence on her conduct, and at the time I am speaking of
none; but I have promised faithfully to describe her principles, and I
will perform my engagement- I now return to myself.
Finding in, her all those ideas I had occasion for, to secure me
from the fears of death and its future consequences, I drew confidence
and security from this source; my attachment became warmer than
ever, and I would willingly have transmitted to her my whole
existence, which seemed ready to abandon me. From this redoubled
attachment, a persuasion that I had but a short time to live, and
profound security on my future state, arose an habitual and even
pleasing serenity, which, calming every passion that extends our hopes
and fears, made me enjoy without inquietude or concern the few days
which I imagined remained for me. What contributed to render them
still more agreeable was an endeavor to encourage her rising taste for
the country, by every amusement I could possibly devise, wishing to
attach her to her garden, poultry, pigeons, and cows: I amused
myself with them and these little occupations, which employed my
time without injuring my tranquility, were more serviceable than a
milk diet, or all the remedies bestowed on my poor shattered
machine, even to effecting the utmost possible reestablishment of it.
The vintage and gathering in our fruit employed the remainder of the
year; we became more and more attached to a rustic life, and the
society of our honest neighbors. We saw the approach of winter with
regret, and returned to the city as if going into exile. To me this
return was particularly gloomy, who never expected to see the return
of spring, and thought I took an everlasting leave of Charmettes. I
did not quit it without kissing the very earth and trees, casting back
many a wishful look as I went towards Chambery.
Having left my scholars for so long a time, and lost my relish for
the amusements of the town, I seldom went out, conversing only with
Madam de Warrens and a Monsieur Salomon, who had lately become our
physician. He was an honest man, of good understanding, a great
Cartesian, spoke tolerably well on the system of the world, and his
agreeable and instructive conversations were more serviceable than his
prescriptions. I could never bear that foolish trivial mode of
conversation which is so generally adopted; but useful instructive
discourse has always given me great pleasure, nor was I ever
backward to join in it. I was much pleased with that of M. Salomon; it
appeared to me, that when in his company, I anticipated the
acquisition of that sublime knowledge which my soul would enjoy when
freed from its mortal fetters. The inclination I had for him
extended to the subject which he treated on, and I began to look after
books which might better enable me to understand his discourse.
Those which mingled devotion with science were most agreeable to me,
particularly the Oratory and Port-Royal, and I began to read or rather
to devour them. One fell into my hands written by Father Lami,
called Entretiens sur les Sciences, which was a kind of introduction
to the knowledge of those books it treated of. I read it over a
hundred times, and resolved to make this my guide; in short, I found
(notwithstanding my ill state of health) that I was irresistibly drawn
towards study, and though looking on each day as the last of my
life, read with as much avidity as if certain I was to live forever.
I was assured that reading would injure me; but on the contrary, I
am rather inclined to think it was serviceable, not only to my soul,
but also to my body; for this application, which soon became
delightful, diverted my thoughts from my disorders, and I soon found
myself much less affected by them. It is certain, however, that
nothing gave me absolute ease, but having no longer any acute pain,
I became accustomed to languishment and wakefulness; to thinking
instead of acting; in short, I looked on the gradual and slow decay of
my body as inevitably progressive and only to be terminated by death.
This opinion not only detached me from all the vain cares of life,
but delivered me from the importunity of medicine, to which
hitherto, I had been forced to submit, though contrary to my
inclination. Salomon, convinced that his drugs were unavailing, spared
me the disagreeable task of taking them, and contented himself with
amusing the grief of my poor Madam de Warrens by some of those
harmless preparations, which serve to flatter the hopes of the patient
and keep up the credit of the doctor. I discontinued the strict
regimen I had latterly observed, resumed the use of wine, and lived in
every respect like a man in perfect health, as far as my strength
would permit, only being careful to run into no excess; I even began
to go out and visit my acquaintance, particularly M. de Conzie,
whose conversation was extremely pleasing to me. Whether it struck
me as heroic to study to my last hour, or that some hopes of life
yet lingered in the bottom of my heart, I cannot tell, but the
apparent certainty of death, far from relaxing my inclination for
improvement, seemed to animate it, and I hastened to acquire knowledge
for the other world, as if convinced I should only possess that
portion I could carry with me. I took a liking to the shop of a
bookseller, whose name was Bouchard, which was frequented by some
men of letters, and as the spring (whose return I had never expected
to see again) was approaching, furnished myself with some books for
Charmettes, in case I should have the happiness to return there.
I had that happiness, and enjoyed it to the utmost extent. The
rapture with which I saw the trees put out their first bud, is
inexpressible! The return of spring seemed to me like rising from
the grave into paradise. The snow was hardly off the ground when we
left our dungeon and returned to Charmettes, to enjoy the first
warblings of the nightingale. I now thought no more of dying, and it
is really singular, that from this time I never experienced any
dangerous illness in the country. I have suffered greatly, but never
kept my bed, and have often said to those about me, on finding
myself worse than ordinary, "Should you see me at the point of
death, carry me under the shade of an oak, and I promise you I shall
recover."
Though weak, I resumed my country occupations, as far as my strength
would permit, and conceived a real grief at not being able to manage
our garden without help; for I could not take five or six strokes with
the spade without being out of breath and overcome with
perspiration: when I stooped the beating redoubled, and the blood flew
with such violence to my head, that I was instantly obliged to stand
upright. Being therefore confined to less fatiguing employments, I
busied myself about the dove-house, and was so pleased with it, that I
sometimes passed several hours there without feeling a moment's
weariness. The pigeon is very timid and difficult to tame, yet I
inspired mine with so much confidence that they followed me
everywhere, letting me catch them at pleasure, nor could I appear in
the garden without having two or three on my arms or head in an
instant, and notwithstanding the pleasure I took in them, their
company became so troublesome that I was obliged to lessen the
familiarity. I have ever taken great pleasure in taming animals,
particularly those that are wild and fearful. It appeared delightful
to me, to inspire them with a confidence which I took care never to
abuse, wishing them to love me freely.
I have already mentioned that I purchased some books: I did not
forget to read them, but in a manner more proper to fatigue than
instruct me. I imagined that to read a book profitably, it was
necessary to be acquainted with every branch of knowledge it even
mentioned; far from thinking that the author did not do this
himself, but drew assistance from other books, as he might see
occasion. Full of this silly idea, I was stopped every moment, obliged
to run from one book to another, and sometimes, before I could reach
the tenth page of that I was studying, found it necessary to turn over
a whole library. I was so attached to this ridiculous method, that I
lost a prodigious deal of time, and had bewildered my head to such a
degree, that I was hardly capable of doing, seeing, or comprehending
anything. I fortunately perceived, at length, that I was in the
wrong road, which would entangle me in an inextricable labyrinth,
and quitted it before I was irrevocably lost.
When a person has any real taste for the sciences, the first thing
he perceives in the pursuit of them is that connection by which they
mutually attract, assist, and enlighten each other, and that it is
impossible to attain one without the assistance of the rest. Though
the human understanding cannot grasp all, and one must ever be
regarded as the principal object, yet if the rest are totally
neglected, the favorite study is generally obscure. I was convinced
that my resolution to improve was good and useful in itself, but
that it was necessary I should change my method; I, therefore, had
recourse to the encyclopaedia. I began by a distribution of the
general mass of human knowledge into its various branches, but soon
discovered that I must pursue a contrary course, that I must take each
separately, and trace it to that point where it united with the
rest; thus I returned to the general synthetical method, but
returned thither with a conviction that I was going right.
Meditation supplied the want of knowledge, and a very natural
reflection gave strength to my resolutions, which was, that whether
I lived or died, I had no time to lose; for having learned but
little before the age of five-and-twenty, and then resolving to
learn everything, was engaging to employ the future time profitably. I
was ignorant at what point accident or death might put a period to
my endeavors, and resolved at all events to acquire with the utmost
expedition some idea of every species of knowledge, as well to try
my natural disposition as to judge for myself what most deserved
cultivation.
In the execution of my plan, I experienced another advantage which I
had never thought of; this was, spending a great deal of time
profitably. Nature certainly never meant me for study, since attentive
application fatigues me so much that I find it impossible to employ
myself half an hour together intently on any one subject; particularly
while following another person's ideas, for it has frequently happened
that I have pursued my own for a much longer period with success.
After reading a few pages of an author with close application, my
understanding is bewildered, and should I obstinately continue, I tire
myself to no purpose, a stupefaction seizes me, and I am no longer
conscious of what I read; but in a succession of various subjects, one
relieves me from the fatigue of the other, and without finding respite
necessary, I can follow then with pleasure.
I took advantage of this observation in the plan of my studies,
taking care to intermingle them in such a manner that I was never
weary: it is true that domestic and rural concerns furnished many
pleasing relaxations; but as my eagerness for improvement increased, I
contrived to find opportunities for my studies, frequently employing
myself about two things at the same time, without reflecting that both
were consequently neglected.
In relating so many trifling details, which delight me, but
frequently tire my reader, I make use of the caution to suppress a
great number, though, perhaps, he would have no idea of this, if I did
not take care to inform him of it: for example, I recollect with
pleasure all the different methods I adopted for the distribution of
my time, in such a manner as to produce the utmost profit and
pleasure. I may say, that the portion of my life which I passed in
this retirement, though in continual ill-health, was that in which I
was least idle and least wearied. Two or three months were thus
employed in discovering the bent of my genius; meantime, I enjoyed, in
the finest season of the year, and in a spot it rendered delightful,
the charms of a life whose worth I was so highly sensible of, in
such a society, as. free as it was charming; if a union so perfect,
and the extensive knowledge I purposed to acquire, can be called
society. It seemed to me as if I already possessed the improvements
I was only in pursuit of: or rather better, since the pleasure of
learning constituted a great part of my happiness.
I must pass over these particulars, which were to me the height of
enjoyment, but are too trivial to bear repeating: indeed, true
happiness is indescribable, it is only to be felt, and this
consciousness of felicity is proportionably more, the less able we are
to describe it; because it does not absolutely result from a
concurse of favorable incidents, but is an affection of the mind
itself. I am frequently guilty of repetitions, but should be
infinitely more so, did I repeat the same thing as often as it
recurs with pleasure to my mind. When, at length, my variable mode
of life was reduced to a more uniform course, the, following was
nearly the distribution of time which I adopted: I rose every
morning before the sun, and passed through a neighboring orchard
into a pleasant path, which, running by a vineyard, led towards
Chambery. While walking, I offered up my prayers, not by a vain motion
of the lips, but a sincere elevation of my heart, to the Great
Author of delightful nature, whose beauties were so charmingly
spread out before me! I never love to pray in a chamber; it seems to
me that the walls and all the little workmanship of man interposed
between God and myself: I love to contemplate Him in his works which
elevate my soul, and raise my thoughts to Him. My prayers were pure, I
can affirm it, and therefore worthy to be heard:- I asked for myself
and her from whom my thoughts were never divided, only an innocent and
quiet life, exempt from vice, sorrow, and want; I prayed that we might
die the death of the just, and partake their lot hereafter: for the
rest, it was rather admiration and contemplation than request, being
satisfied that the best means to obtain what is necessary from the
Giver of every perfect good, is rather to deserve than to solicit.
Returning from my walk, I lengthened the way by taking a roundabout
path, still contemplating with earnestness and delight the beautiful
scenes with which I was surrounded, those objects only that never
fatigue either the eye or the heart. As I approached our habitation, I
looked forward to see if Madam de Warrens was stirring, and when I
perceived her shutters open, I even ran with joy towards the house: if
they were yet shut I went into the garden to wait their opening,
amusing myself, meantime, by a retrospection of what I had read the
preceding evening, or in gardening. The moment the shutter drew back I
hastened to embrace her, frequently half asleep, in her bed; and
this salute, pure as it was affectionate, even from its innocence,
possessed a charm which the senses can never bestow. We usually
breakfasted on milk-coffee; this was the time of day when we had
most leisure, and when we chatted with the greatest freedom. These
sittings, which were usually pretty long, have given me a fondness for
breakfasts, and I infinitely prefer those of England, or
Switzerland, which are considered as a meal, at which all the family
assemble, than those of France, where they breakfast alone in their
several apartments, or more frequently have none at all. After an hour
or two passed in discourse, I went to my study till dinner;
beginning with some philosophical work, such as the logic of
Port-Royal, Locke's Essays, Mallebranche, Leibnitz, Descartes, etc.
I soon found that these authors perpetually contradict each other, and
formed the chimerical project of reconciling them which cost me much
labor and loss of time, bewildering my head without any profit. At
length (renouncing this idea) I adopted one infinitely more
profitable, to which I attribute all the progress I have since made,
notwithstanding the defects of my capacity; for 'tis certain I had
very little for study. On reading each author, I acquired a habit of
following all his ideas, without suffering my own or those of any
other writer to interfere with them, or entering into any dispute on
their utility. I said to myself, "I will begin by laying up a stock of
ideas, true or false, but clearly conceived, till my understanding
shall be sufficiently furnished to enable me to compare and make
choice of those that are most estimable." I am sensible this method is
not without its inconveniences, but it succeeded in furnishing me with
a fund of instruction. Having passed some years in thinking after
others, without reflection, and almost without reasoning, I found
myself possessed of sufficient materials to set about thinking on my
own account, and when journeys or business deprived me of the
opportunities of consulting books, I amused myself with recollecting
and comparing what I had read, weighing every opinion on the balance
of reason, and frequently judging my masters. Though it was late
before I began to exercise my judicial faculties, I have not
discovered that they had lost their vigor, and on publishing my own
ideas, have never been accused of being a servile disciple or of
swearing in verba magistri.
From these studies I passed to the elements of geometry, for I never
went further, forcing my weak memory to retain them by going the
same ground a hundred and a hundred times over. I did not admire
Euclid, who rather seeks a chain of demonstration than a connection of
ideas: I preferred the geometry of Father Lama, who from that time
became one of my favorite authors, and whose works I yet read with
pleasure. Algebra followed, and Father Lama was still my guide: when I
made some progress, I perused Father Reynaud's Science of Calculation,
and then his Analysis Demonstrated; but I never went far enough
thoroughly to understand the application of algebra to geometry. I was
not pleased with this method of performing operations by rule
without knowing what I was about: resolving geometrical problems by
the help of equations seemed like playing a tune by turning round a
handle. The first time I found by calculation that the square of a
binocular figure was composed of the square of each of its parts,
and double the product of one by the other; though convinced that my
multiplication was right, I could not be satisfied till I had made and
examined the figure: not but I admire algebra when applied to abstract
quantities, but when used to demonstrate dimensions, I wished to see
the operation, and unless explained by lines, could not rightly
comprehend it.
After this came Latin, in which I never made great progress. I began
by Port-Royal's Rudiments, but without success. These barbarous verses
gave a pain to my heart and could not find a place in my ears. I
lost myself in a crowd of rules; and in studying the last forgot all
that preceded it. A study of words is not calculated for a man without
memory, and it was principally an endeavor to make my memory more
retentive, that urged me obstinately to persist in this study, which
at length I was obliged to relinquish. As I understood enough to
read an easy author by the aid of a dictionary, I followed that
method, and found it succeeded tolerably well. I likewise applied
myself to translation, not by writing, but mentally, and by exercise
and perseverance attained to read Latin authors easily, but have never
been able to speak or write that language, which has frequently
embarrassed me when I have found myself (I know not by what means)
enrolled among men of letters.
Another inconvenience that arose from this manner of learning is,
that I never understood prosody, much less the rules of versification;
yet, anxious to understand the harmony of the language, both in
prose and verse, I have made many efforts to obtain it, but am
convinced, that without a master it is almost impossible. Having
learned the composition of the hexameter, which is the easiest of
all verses, I had the patience to measure out the greater part of
Virgil into feet and quantity, and whenever I was dubious whether a
syllable was long or short, immediately consulted my Virgil. It may
easily be conceived that I ran into many errors in consequence of
those licenses permitted by the rules of versification; and it is
certain, that if there is an advantage in studying alone, there are
also great inconveniences and inconceivable labor, as I have
experienced more than any one.
At twelve, I quitted my books, and if dinner was not ready, paid
my friends, the pigeons, a visit, or worked in the garden till it was,
and when I heard myself called, ran very willingly, and with a good
appetite to partake of it, for it is very remarkable, that let me be
ever so indisposed my appetite never fails. We dined very agreeably,
chatting till Madam de Warrens could eat. Two or three times a week,
when it was fine, we drank our coffee in a cool shady arbor behind the
house, that I had decorated with hops, and which was very refreshing
during the heat; we usually passed an hour in viewing our flowers
and vegetables, or in conversation relative to our manner of life,
which greatly increased the pleasure of it. I had another little
family at the end of the garden; these were several hives of bees,
which I never failed to visit once a day, and was frequently
accompanied by Madam de Warrens. I was greatly interested in their
labor, and amused myself seeing them return to the hives, their little
thighs so loaded with the precious store than they could hardly
walk. At first, curiosity made me indiscreet, and they stung me
several times, but afterwards, we were so well acquainted, that let me
approach as near as I would, they never molested me, though the
hives were full and the bees ready to swarm. At these times I have
been surrounded, having them on my hands and face without apprehending
any danger. All animals are distrustful of man, and with reason, but
when once assured he does not mean to injure them, their confidence
becomes so great that he must be worse than a barbarian who abuses it.
After this I returned to my books; but my afternoon employment ought
rather to bear the name of recreation and amusement, than labor or
study. I have never been able to bear application after dinner, and in
general any kind of attention is painful to me during the heat of
the day. I employed myself, 'tis true, but without restraint or
rule, and read without studying. What I most attended to at these
times, was history and geography, and as these did not require intense
application, made as much progress in them as my weak memory would
permit. I had an inclination to study Father Petau, and launched
into the gloom of chronology, but was disgusted at the critical
part, which I found had neither bottom nor banks; this made me
prefer the more exact measurement of time by the course of the
celestial bodies. I should even have contracted a fondness for
astronomy, had I been in possession of instruments, but was obliged to
content myself with some of the elements of that art, learned from
books, and a few rude observations made with a telescope, sufficient
only to give me a general idea of the situation of the heavenly
bodies; for my short sight is insufficient to distinguish the stars
without the help of a glass.
I recollect an adventure on this subject, the remembrance of which
has often diverted me. I had bought a celestial planisphere to study
the constellations by, and, having fixed it on a frame, when the
nights were fine and the sky clear, I went into the garden; and fixing
the frame on four sticks, something higher than myself, which I
drove into the ground, turned the planisphere downwards, and contrived
to light it by means of a candle (which I put in a pail to prevent the
wind from blowing it out) and then placed in the center of the
above-mentioned four supporters; this done, I examined the stars
with my glass, and, from time to time referring to my planisphere,
endeavored to distinguish the various constellations. I think I have
before observed that M. Noiret's garden was on a terrace, and lay open
to the road. One night, some country people passing very late, saw
me in a most grotesque habit, busily employed in these observations:
the light, which struck directly on the planisphere, proceeding from a
cause they could not divine- the candle being concealed by the sides
of the pail), the four stakes supporting a large paper, marked over
with various uncouth figures, with the motion of the telescope,
which they saw turning backwards and forwards, gave the whole an air
of conjuration that struck them with horror and amazement. My figure
was by no means calculated to dispel their fears; a flapped hat put on
over my night-cap, and a short cloak about my shoulder (which Madam de
Warrens had obliged me to put on presented in their idea the image
of a real sorcerer. Being near midnight, they made no doubt but this
was the beginning of some diabolical assembly, and having no curiosity
to pry further into these mysteries, they fled with all possible
speed, awakened their neighbors, and described this most dreadful
vision. The story spread so fast that the next day the whole
neighborhood was informed that a nocturnal assembly of witches was
held in the garden that belonged to Monsieur Noiret, and I am ignorant
what might have been the consequence of this rumor if one of the
countrymen who had been witness to my conjurations had not the same
day carried his complaint to two Jesuits, who frequently came to visit
us, and who, without knowing the foundation of the story, undeceived
and satisfied them. These Jesuits told us the whole affair, and I
acquainted them with the cause of it, which altogether furnished us
with a hearty laugh. However, I resolved for the future to make my
observations without light, and consult my planisphere in the house.
Those who have read Venetian magic, in the Letters from the
Mountain, may find that I long since had the reputation of being a
conjurer.
Such was the life I led at Charmettes when I had no rural
employments, for they ever had the preference, and in those that did
not exceed my strength, I worked like a peasant; but my extreme
weakness left me little except the will; besides, as I have before
observed, I wished to do two things at once, and therefore did neither
well. I obstinately persisted in forcing my memory to retain a great
deal by heart, and, for that purpose, I always carried some book
with me, which, while at work, I studied with inconceivable labor. I
was continually repeating something, and am really amazed that the
fatigue of these vain and continual efforts did not render me entirely
stupid. I must have learned and relearned the Eclogues of Virgil
twenty times over, though at this time I cannot recollect a single
line of them. I have lost or spoiled a great number of books by a
custom I had of carrying them with me into the dove-house, the garden,
orchard, or vineyard, when, being busy about something else, I laid my
book at the foot of a tree, on the hedge, or the first place that came
to hand, and frequently left them there, finding them a fortnight
after, perhaps, rotted to pieces, or eaten by the ants or snails;
and this ardor for learning became so far a madness that it rendered
me almost stupid, and I was perpetually muttering some passage or
other to myself.
The writings of Port-Royal, and those of the Oratory, being what I
most read, had made me half a Jansenist, and, notwithstanding all my
confidence, their harsh theology sometimes alarmed me. A dread of
hell, which till then I had never much apprehended, by little and
little disturbed my security, and had not Madam de Warrens
tranquilized my soul, would at length have been too much for me. My
confessor, who was hers likewise, contributed all in his power to keep
up my hopes. This was a Jesuit, named Father Hemet; a good and wise
old man, whose memory I shall ever hold in veneration. Though a
Jesuit, he had the simplicity of a child, and his manners, less
relaxed than gentle, were precisely what was necessary to balance
the melancholy impressions made on me by Jansenism. This good man
and his companion, Father Coppier, came frequently to visit us at
Charmettes, though the road was very rough and tedious for men of
their age. These visits were very comfortable to me, which may the
Almighty return to their souls, for they were so old that I cannot
suppose them yet living. I sometimes went to see them at Chambery,
became acquainted at their convent, and had free access to the
library. The remembrance of that happy time is so connected with the
idea of those Jesuits, that I love one on account of the other, and
though I have ever thought their doctrines dangerous, could never find
myself in a disposition to hate them cordially.
I should like to know whether there ever passed such childish
notions in the hearts of other men as sometimes do in mine. In the
midst of my studies, and of a life as innocent as man could lead,
notwithstanding every persuasion to the contrary, the dread of hell
frequently tormented me. I asked myself, "What state am I in? Should I
die at this instant, must I be damned?" According to my Jansenists the
matter was indubitable, but according to my conscience it appeared
quite the contrary: terrified and floating in this cruel
uncertainty, I had recourse to the most laughable expedient to resolve
my doubts, for which I would willingly shut up any man as a lunatic
should I see him practice the same folly. One day, meditating on
this melancholy subject, I exercised myself in throwing stones at
the trunks of trees, with my usual dexterity, that is to say,
without hitting any of them. In the height of this charming
exercise, it entered my mind to make a kind of prognostic, that
might calm my inquietude; I said, "I will throw this stone at the tree
facing me; if I hit my mark, I will consider it as a sign of
salvation; if I miss, as a token of damnation." While I said this, I
threw the stone with a trembling hand and beating breast but so
happily that it struck the body of the tree, which truly was not a
difficult matter, for I had taken care to choose one that was very
large and very near me. From that moment I never doubted my salvation:
I know not on recollecting this trait, whether I ought to laugh or
shudder at myself. Ye great geniuses, who surely laugh at my folly,
congratulate yourselves on your superior wisdom, but insult not my
unhappiness, for I swear to you that I feel it most sensibly.
These troubles, these alarms, inseparable, perhaps, from devotion,
were only at intervals; in general I was tranquil, and the
impression made on my soul by the idea of approaching death, was
less that of melancholy than a peaceful languor, which even had its
pleasures. I have found among my old papers a kind of congratulation
and exhortation which I made to myself on dying at an age when I had
the courage to meet death with serenity, without having experienced
any great evils, either of body or mind. How much justice was there in
the thought! A preconception of what I had to suffer made me fear to
live, and it seemed that I dreaded the fate which must attend my
future days. I have never been so near wisdom as during this period,
when I felt no great remorse for the past, nor tormenting fear for the
future; the reigning sentiment of my soul being the enjoyment of the
present. Serious people usually possess a lively sensuality, which
makes them highly enjoy those innocent pleasures that are allowed
them. Worldlings (I know not why) impute this to them as a crime: or
rather, I well know the cause of this imputation, it is because they
envy others the enjoyment of those simple and pure delights which they
have lost the relish of. I had these inclinations, and found it
charming to gratify them in security of conscience. My yet
inexperienced heart gave in to all with the calm happiness of a child,
or rather (if I dare use the expression) with the raptures of an
angel; for in reality these pure delights are as serene as those of
paradise. Dinners on the grass at Montagnole, suppers in our arbor,
gathering in the fruits, the vintage, a social meeting with our
neighbors; all these were so many holidays, in which Madam de
Warrens took as much pleasure as myself. Solitary walks afforded yet
purer pleasure, because in them our hearts expanded with greater
freedom. One particularly remains in my memory; it was on a St. Louis'
day, whose name Madam de Warrens bore: we set out together early and
unattended, after having heard a mass at break of day in a chapel
adjoining our house, from a Carmelite, who attended for that
purpose. As I proposed walking over the hills opposite our dwelling,
which we had not yet visited, we sent our provisions on before; the
excursion being to last the whole day. Madam de Warrens, though rather
corpulent, did not walk ill, and we rambled from hill to hill and wood
to wood, sometimes in the sun, but oftener in the shade, resting
from time to time, and regardless how the hours stole away; speaking
of ourselves, of our union, of the gentleness of our fate, and
offering up prayers for its duration, which were never heard.
Everything conspired to augment our happiness: it had rained for
several days previous to this, there was no dust, the brooks were full
and rapid, a gentle breeze agitated the leaves, the air was pure,
the horizon free from clouds, serenity reigned in the sky as in our
hearts. Our dinner was prepared at a peasant's house, and shared
with him and his family, whose benedictions we received. These poor
Savoyards are the worthiest of people! After dinner we regained the
shade, and while I was picking up bits of dried sticks, to boil our
coffee, Madam de Warrens amused herself with herbalizing among the
bushes, and with the flowers I had gathered for her in my way. She
made me remark in their construction a thousand natural beauties,
which greatly amused me, and which ought to have given me a taste
for botany; but the time was not yet come, and my attention was
arrested by too many other studies. Besides this, an idea struck me,
which diverted my thoughts from flowers and plants: the situation of
my mind at that moment, all that we had said or done that day, every
object that had struck me, brought to my remembrance the kind of
waking dream I had at Annecy seven or eight years before, and which
I have given an account of in its place. The similarity was so
striking that it affected me even to tears: in a transport of
tenderness I embraced Madam de Warrens. "My dearest friend," said I,
"this day has long since been promised me: I can see nothing beyond
it: my happiness, by your means, is at its height; may it never
decrease; may it continue as long as I am sensible of its value-
then it can only finish with my life."
Thus happily passed my days, and the more happily as I perceived
nothing that could disturb or bring them to a conclusion; not that the
cause of my former uneasiness had absolutely ceased, but I saw it take
another course, which I directed with my utmost care to useful
objects, that the remedy might accompany the evil. Madam de Warrens
naturally loved the country, and this taste did not cool while with
me. By little and little she contracted a fondness for rustic
employments, wished to make the most of her land, and had in that
particular a knowledge which she practiced with pleasure. Not
satisfied with what belonged to the house, she hired first a field,
then a meadow, transferring her enterprising humor to the objects of
agriculture, and instead of remaining unemployed in the house, was
in the way of becoming a complete farmer. I was not greatly pleased to
see this passion increase, and endeavored all I could to oppose it;
for I was certain she would be deceived, and that her liberal
extravagant disposition would infallibly carry her expenses beyond her
profits; however, I consoled myself by thinking the produce could
not be useless, and would at least help her to live. Of all the
projects she could form, this appeared the least ruinous: without
regarding it, therefore, in the light she did, as a profitable scheme,
I considered it as a perpetual employment, which would keep her from
more ruinous enterprises, and out of the reach of impostors. With this
idea, I ardently wished to recover my health and strength, that I
might superintend her affairs, overlook her laborers, or, rather, be
the principal one myself. The exercise this naturally obliged me to
take, with the relaxation it procured me from books and study, was
serviceable to my health.
The winter following, Barillot returning from Italy, brought me some
books; and among others, the Bontempi and la Cartella per Musica, of
Father Banchieri; these gave me a taste for the history of music and
for the theoretical researches of that pleasing art. Barillot remained
some time with us, and, as I had been of age some months, I determined
to go to Geneva the following spring, and demand my mother's
inheritance, or, at least that part which belonged to me, till it
could be ascertained what had become of my brother. This plan was
executed as it had been resolved: I went to Geneva; my father met me
there, for he had occasionally visited Geneva a long time since,
without its being particularly noticed, though the decree that had
been pronounced against him had never been reversed; but being
esteemed for his courage, and respected for his probity, the situation
of his affairs was pretended to be forgotten; or perhaps, the
magistrates, employed with the great project that broke out some
little time after, were not willing to alarm the citizens by recalling
to their memory, at an improper time, this instance of their former
partiality.
I apprehended that I should meet with difficulties, on account of
having changed my religion, but none occurred; the laws of Geneva
being less harsh in that particular than those of Berne, where,
whoever changes his religion, not only loses his freedom, but his
property. My rights, however, were not disputed, but I found my
patrimony, I know not how, reduced to very little, and though it was
known almost to a certainty that my brother was dead, yet, as there
was no legal proof, I could not lay claim to his share, which I left
without regret to my father, who enjoyed it as long as he lived. No
sooner were the necessary formalities adjusted, and I had received
my money, some of which I expended in books, than I flew with the
remainder to Madam de Warrens. My heart beat with joy during the
journey, and the moment in which I gave the money into her hands,
was to me a thousand times more delightful than that which gave it
into mine. She received this with a simplicity common to great
souls, who, doing similar actions without effort, see them without
admiration; indeed it was almost all expended for my use, for it would
have been employed in the same manner had it come from any other
quarter.
My health was not yet reestablished; I decayed visibly, was pale
as death, and reduced to an absolute skeleton; the beating of my
arteries was extreme, my palpitations were frequent: I was sensible of
a continual oppression, and my weakness became at length so great,
that I could scarcely move or step without danger of suffocation,
stoop without vertigoes, or lift even the smallest weight, which
reduced me to the most tormenting inaction for a man so naturally
stirring as myself. It is certain my disorder was in a great measure
hypochondriacal. The vapors is a malady common to people in
fortunate situations: the tears I frequently shed, without reason; the
lively alarms I felt on the falling of a leaf, or the fluttering of
a bird; inequality of humor in the calm of a most pleasing life;
lassitude which made me weary even of happiness, and carried
sensibility to extravagance, were an instance of this. We are so
little formed for felicity, that when the soul and body do not
suffer together, they must necessarily endure separate inconveniences,
the good state of the one being almost always injurious to the
happiness of the other. Had all the pleasure of life courted me, my
weakened frame would not have permitted the enjoyment of them, without
my being able to particularize the real seat of my complaint; yet in
the decline of life, after having encountered very serious and real
evils, my body seemed to regain its strength, as if on purpose to
encounter additional misfortunes; and, at the moment I write this,
though infirm, near sixty, and overwhelmed with every kind of
sorrow, I feel more ability to suffer than I ever possessed for
enjoyment, when in the very flower of my age, and in the bosom of real
happiness.
To complete me, I had mingled a little physiology among my other
readings: I set about studying anatomy, and considering the multitude,
movement, and wonderful construction of the various parts that compose
the human machine; my apprehensions were instantly increased, I
expected to feel mine deranged twenty times a day, and far from
being surprised to find myself dying, was astonished that I yet
existed! I could not read the description of any malady without
thinking it mine, and, had I not been already indisposed, I am certain
I should have become so from this study. Finding in every disease
symptoms similar to mine, I fancied I had them all, and, at length,
gained one more troublesome than any I yet suffered, which I had
thought myself delivered from; this was, a violent inclination to seek
a cure; which it is very difficult to suppress, when once a person
begins reading physical books. By searching, reflecting, and
comparing, I became persuaded that the foundation of my complaint
was a polypus at the heart, and Doctor Salomon appeared to coincide
with the idea. Reasonably this opinion should have confirmed my former
resolution of considering myself past cure; this, however, was not the
case; on the contrary, I exerted every power of my understanding in
search of a remedy for a polypus, resolving to undertake this
marvelous cure.
In a journey which Anet had made to Montpellier, to see the physical
garden there, and visit Monsieur Sauvages, the demonstrator, he had
been informed that Monsieur Fizes had cured a polypus similar to
that I fancied myself afflicted with. Madam de Warrens, recollecting
this circumstance, mentioned it to me, and nothing more was
necessary to inspire me with a desire to consult Monsieur Fizes. The
hope of recovery gave me courage and strength to undertake the
journey; the money from Geneva furnished the means; Madam de
Warrens, far from dissuading, entreated me to go: behold me,
therefore, without further ceremony, set out for Montpellier!- but
it was not necessary to go so far to find the cure I was in search of.
Finding the motion of the horse too fatiguing, I had hired a
chaise at Grenoble, and on entering Moirans, five or six other chaises
arrived in a rank after mine. The greater part of these were in the
train of a new married lady called Madam du Colombier; with her was
a Madam de Larnage, not so young or handsome as the former, yet not
less amiable. The bride was to stop at Romans, but the other lady
was to pursue her route as far as Saint-Andiol, near the bridge du St.
Esprit. With my natural timidity it will not be conjectured that I was
very ready at forming an acquaintance with these fine ladies, and
the company that attended them; but traveling the same road, lodging
at the same inns, and being obliged to eat at the same table, the
acquaintance seemed unavoidable, as any backwardness on my part
would have got me the character of a very unsociable being: it was
formed then, and even sooner than I desired, for all this bustle was
by no means convenient to a person in ill health, particularly to
one of my humor. Curiosity renders these vixens extremely insinuating;
they accomplish their design of becoming acquainted with a man by
endeavoring to turn his brain, and this was precisely what happened to
me. Madam du Colombier was too much surrounded by her young gallants
to have any opportunity of paying much attention to me; beside, it was
not worth while, as we were to separate in so short a time; but
Madam de Larnage (less attended to than her young friend) had to
provide herself for the remainder of the journey. Behold me, then,
attacked by Madam de Larnage, and adieu to poor Jean Jacques, or
rather farewell to fever, vapors, and polypus; all completely vanished
when in her presence. The ill state of my health was the first subject
of our conversation; they saw I was indisposed, knew I was going to
Montpellier, but my air and manner certainly did not exhibit the
appearance of a libertine, since it was clear by what followed they
did not suspect I was going there for a trip to the stewing-pan (to be
placed in a vapor-bath, a cure for a dangerous venereal disease).
Though a man's sick condition is no great recommendation for him among
women, still it made me an object of interest for them in this case.
Once (according to my praiseworthy custom of speaking without
thought) I replied, "I did not know," which answer naturally made them
conclude I was a fool; but on questioning me further, the
examination turned out so far to my advantage, that I rather rose in
their opinion, and I once heard Madam du Colombier say to her
friend, "He is amiable, but not sufficiently acquainted with the
world."
As we became more familiar, it was natural to give each other some
little account of whence we came and who we were: this embarrassed
me greatly, for I was sensible that in good company and among women of
spirit, the very name of a new convert would utterly undo me. I know
not by what whimsicality I resolved to pass for an Englishman;
however, in consequence of that determination I gave myself out for
a Jacobite, and was readily believed. They called me Monsieur Dudding,
which was the name I assumed with my new character, and a cursed
Marquis Torignan, who was one of the company, an invalid like
myself, and both old and ill-tempered, took it in his head to begin
a long conversation with me. He spoke of King James, of the Pretender,
and the old court of St. Germain's; I sat on thorns the whole time,
for I was totally unacquainted with all these except what little I had
picked up in the account of Earl Hamilton, and from the gazettes;
however, I made such fortunate use of the little I did know, as to
extricate myself from this dilemma, happy in not being questioned on
the English language, which I did not know a single word of.
The company were all very agreeable; we looked forward to the moment
of separation with regret, and therefore made snails' journeys. We
arrived one Sunday at St. Marcellin's. Madam de Larnage would go to
mass; I accompanied her, and had nearly ruined all my affairs, for
by my modest reserved countenance during the service, she concluded me
a bigot, and conceived a very indifferent opinion of me, as I
learned from her own account two days after. It required a great
deal of gallantry on my part to efface this ill impression, or
rather Madam de Larnage (who was not easily disheartened) determined
to risk the first advances, and see how I should behave. She made
several, but far from being presuming on my figure, I thought she
was making sport of me: full of this ridiculous idea there was no
folly I was not guilty of. Madam de Larnage persisted in such
caressing behavior, that a much wiser man than myself could hardly
have taken it seriously. The more obvious her advances were, the
more I was confirmed in my mistake, and what increased my torment, I
found I was really in love with her. I frequently said to myself,
and sometimes to her, sighing, "Ah! why is not all this real? then
should I be the most fortunate of men." I am inclined to think my
stupidity did but increase her resolution, and make her determine to
get the better of it.
We left Madam du Colombier at Romans; after which Madam de
Larnage, the Marquis de Torignan, and myself continued our route
slowly, and in the most agreeable manner. The marquis, though
indisposed, and rather ill-humored, was an agreeable companion, but
was not best pleased at seeing the lady bestow all her attentions on
me, while he passed unregarded; for Madam de Larnage took so little
care to conceal her inclination, that he perceived it sooner than I
did, and his sarcasms must have given me that confidence I could not
presume to take from the kindness of the lady, if by a surmise,
which no one but myself could have blundered on, I had not imagined
they perfectly understood each other, and were agreed to turn my
passion into ridicule. This foolish idea completed my stupidity,
making me act the most ridiculous part, while, had I listened to the
feelings of my heart, I might have been performing one far more
brilliant. I am astonished that Madam de Larnage was not disgusted,
and did not discard me with disdain; but she plainly perceived there
was more bashfulness than indifference in my composition.
She at last succeeded in making me understand her; but it was not
easy for her. We arrived at Valence to dinner, and according to our
usual custom passed the remainder of the day there. We lodged out of
the city, at the St. James, an inn I shall never forget. After dinner,
Madam de Larnage proposed a walk; she knew the marquis was no
walker, consequently, this was an excellent plan for a tete-a-tete,
which she was pre-determined to make the most of. While we were
walking round the city by the side of the moats, I entered on a long
history of my complaint, to which she answered in so tender an accent,
frequently pressing my arm, which she held to her heart, that it
required all my stupidity not to be convinced of the sincerity of
her attachment. I have already observed that she was amiable, love
rendered her charming, adding all the loveliness of youth; and she
managed her advances with so much art, that they were sufficient to
have seduced the most insensible: I was, therefore, in very uneasy
circumstances, and frequently on the point of making a declaration;
but the dread of offending her, and the still greater of being laughed
at, ridiculed, made table-talk, and complimented on my enterprise by
the satirical marquis, had such unconquerable power over me, that,
though ashamed of my ridiculous bashfulness, I could not take
courage to surmount it. I had ended the history of my complaints,
which I felt the ridiculousness of at this time; and not knowing how
to look, or what to say, continued silent, giving the finest
opportunity in the world for that ridicule I so much dreaded. Happily,
Madam de Larnage took a more favorable resolution, and suddenly
interrupted this silence by throwing her arm round my neck, while,
at the same instant, her lips spoke too plainly on mine to be any
longer misunderstood. This was reposing that confidence in me the want
of which has almost always prevented me from appearing myself: for
once I was at ease, my heart, eyes, and tongue, spoke freely what I
felt; never did I make better reparation for my mistakes, and if
this little conquest had cost Madam de Larnage some difficulties, I
have reason to believe she did not regret them.
Was I to live a hundred years, I should never forget this charming
woman. It was possible to see her without falling in love, but those
she favored could not fail to adore her; which proves, in my
opinion, that she was not generally so prodigal of her favors. It is
true, her inclination for me was so sudden and lively, that it
scarce appears excusable; though from the short, but charming interval
I passed with her, I have reason to think her heart was more
influenced than her passions, and during the short and delightful time
I was with her, I undoubtedly believe that she showed me a
consideration that was not natural to her, as she was sensual and
voluptuous; but she preferred my health for her own pleasure.
Our good intelligence did not escape the penetration of the marquis;
not that he discontinued his usual raillery; on the contrary, he
treated me as a sighing, hopeless swain, languishing under the
rigors of his mistress; not a word, smile, or look escaped him by.
which I could imagine he suspected my happiness; and I should have
thought him completely deceived, had not Madam de Larnage, who was
more clear-sighted than myself, assured me of the contrary; but he was
a well-bred man, and it was impossible to behave with more
attention, or greater civility, than he constantly paid me
(notwithstanding his satirical sallies), especially after my
success, which, as he was unacquainted with my stupidity, he perhaps
gave me the honor of achieving. It has already been seen that he was
mistaken in this particular; but no matter, I profited by his error,
for being conscious that the laugh was on my side, I took all his
sallies in good part, and sometimes parried them with tolerable
success; for, proud of the reputation of wit which Madam de Larnage
had thought fit to discover in me, I no longer appeared the same man.
We were both in a country and season of plenty, and had everywhere
excellent cheer, thanks to the good cares of the marquis; though I
would willingly have relinquished this advantage to have been more
satisfied with the situation of our chambers; but he always sent his
footman on to provide them; and whether of his own accord, or by the
order of his master, the rogue always took care that the marquis'
chamber should be close by Madam de Larnage's, while mine was at the
further end of the house: but that made no great difference, or
perhaps it rendered our rendezvous the more charming; this happiness
lasted four or five days, during which time I was intoxicated with
delight, which I tasted pure and serene without any alloy; an
advantage I could never boast before; and, I may add, it is owing to
Madam de Larnage that I did not go out of the world without having
tasted real pleasure.
If the sentiment I felt for her was not precisely love, it was at
least a very tender return of that she testified for me; our
meetings were so delightful, that they possessed all the sweets of
love; without that kind of delirium which affects the brain, and
even tends to diminish our happiness. I never experienced true love
but once in my life, and that was not with Madam de Larnage, neither
did I feel that affection for her which I had been sensible of and yet
continued to possess, for Madam de Warrens; but for this very
reason, our tete-a-tetes were a hundred times more delightful. When
with Madam de Warrens, my felicity was always disturbed by a secret
sadness, a compunction of heart, which I found it impossible to
surmount. Instead of being delighted at the acquisition of so much
happiness, I could not help reproaching myself for contributing to
render her I loved unworthy: on the contrary, with Madam de Larnage, I
was proud to be a man and happy; I gave way to my sensual impulses
confidently; I took part in the impressions I made on hers; I
contemplated my triumph with as much vanity as voluptuousness, and was
doubly proud.
I do not recollect exactly where we quitted the marquis, who resided
in this country, but I know we were alone on our arrival at
Montelimar, where Madam de Larnage made her chambermaid get into my
chaise, and accommodate me with a seat in hers. It will easily be
believed, that traveling in this manner was by no means displeasing to
me, and that I should be very much puzzled to give any account of
the country we passed through. She had some business at Montelimar,
which detained her there two or three days; during this time she
quitted me but one-quarter of an hour, for a visit she could not
avoid. We walked together every day, in the most charming country, and
under the finest sky imaginable. Oh! these three days! what reason
have I to regret them! Never did such happiness return again.
The amours of a journey cannot be very durable: it was necessary
we should part, and I must confess it was almost time; not that I
was weary of my happiness, or nearly so; I became every day more
attached to her; but notwithstanding all the consideration the lady
had shown me, there was nothing left me but the good will. We
endeavored to comfort each other for the pain of parting, by forming
plans for our reunion; and it was concluded, that after staying five
or six weeks at Montpellier (which would give Madam de Larnage time to
prepare for my reception in such a manner as to prevent scandal) I
should return to Saint-Andiol, and spend the winter under her
direction. She gave me ample instruction on what it was necessary I
should know, on what it would be proper to say, and how I should
conduct myself. She wished me to correspond with her, and spoke much
and earnestly on the care of my health, conjured me to consult
skillful physicians, and be attentive and exact in following their
prescriptions whatever they might happen to be. I believe her
concern was sincere, for she loved me, and gave a thousand proofs of
her affection less equivocal than the prodigality of her favors; for
judging by my mode of traveling, that I was not in very affluent
circumstances (though not rich herself), on our paring, she would have
had me share the contents of her purse, which she had brought pretty
well furnished from Grenoble, and it was with great difficulty I could
make her put up with a denial. In a word, we parted; my heart full
of her idea, and leaving in hers (if I am not mistaken) a firm
attachment to me.
While pursuing the remainder of my journey, remembrance ran over
everything that had passed from the commencement of it, and I was well
satisfied at finding myself alone in a comfortable chaise, where I
could ruminate at ease on the pleasures I had enjoyed, and those which
awaited my return. I only thought of Saint-Andiol of the life I was to
lead there; I saw nothing but Madam de Larnage, or what related to
her; the whole universe besides was nothing to me- even Madam de
Warrens was forgotten!- I set about combining all the details by which
Madam de Larnage had endeavored to give me in advance an idea of her
house, of the neighborhood, of her connections, and manner of life,
finding everything charming.
She had a daughter, whom she had often described in the warmest
terms of maternal affection: this daughter was fifteen, lively,
charming, and of an amiable disposition. Madam de Larnage promised
me her friendship; I had not forgotten that promise, and was curious
to know how Mademoiselle de Larnage would treat her mother's bon
ami. These were the subjects of my reveries from the bridge of St.
Esprit to Remoulin: I had been advised to visit the Pont-du-Gard; I
did not fail to do so. After a breakfast of excellent figs, I took a
guide and went to the Pont-du-Gard. Hitherto I had seen none of the
remaining monuments of Roman magnificence, and I expected to find this
worthy the hands by which it was constructed; for once, the reality
surpassed my expectation; this was the only time in my life it ever
did so, and the Romans alone could have produced that effect. The view
of this noble and sublime work struck me the more forcibly, from being
in the midst of a desert, where silence and solitude render the
majestic edifice more striking, and admiration more lively, for though
called a bridge it is nothing more than an aqueduct. One cannot help
exclaiming, what strength could have transported these enormous stones
so far from any quarry? And what motive could have united the labors
of so many millions of men, in a place that no one inhabited? I went
through the three stories of this superb edifice. I hardly dared to
put my feet on these old stones, I reverenced them so much. I remained
here whole hours, in the most ravishing contemplation, and returned,
pensive and thoughtful to my inn. This reverie was by no means
favorable to Madam de Larnage; she had taken care to forewarn me
against the girls of Montpellier, but not against the Pont-du-Gard- it
is impossible to provide for every contingency.
On my arrival at Nimes, I went to see the amphitheater, which is a
far more magnificent work than even the Pont-du-Gard, yet it made a
much less impression on me, perhaps, because my admiration had been
already exhausted on the former object; or that the situation of the
latter, in the midst of a city, was less proper to excite it. The
amphitheater at Verona is a vast deal smaller, and less beautiful than
that at Nimes, but preserved with all possible care and neatness, by
which means alone it made a much stronger and more agreeable
impression on me. The French pay no regard to these things, respect no
monument of antiquity; ever eager to undertake, they never finish, nor
preserve anything that is already finished to their hands.
I was so much better, and had gained such an appetite by exercise,
that I flopped a whole day at Pont-de-Lunel, for the sake of good
entertainment and company, this being deservedly esteemed at that time
the best inn in Europe; for those who kept it, knowing how to make its
fortunate situation turn to advantage, took care to provide both
abundance and variety. It was really curious to find in a lonely
country-house, in the middle of the Campagna, a table every day
furnished with sea and fresh-water fish, excellent game, and choice
wines, served up with all the attention and care, which are only to be
expected among the great or opulent, and all this for thirty-five sous
each person: but the Pont-du-Lunel did not long remain on this
footing, for the proprietor, presuming too much on its reputation,
at length lost it entirely.
During this journey, I really forgot my complaints, but
recollected them again on my arrival at Montpellier. My vapors were
absolutely gone, but every other complaint remained, and though custom
had rendered them less troublesome, they were still sufficient to make
any one who had been suddenly seized with them, suppose himself
attacked by some mortal disease. In effect, they were rather
alarming than painful, and made the mind suffer more than the body,
though it apparently threatened the latter with destruction. While
my attention was called off by the vivacity of my passions, I paid
no attention to my health; but as my complaints were not altogether
imaginary, I thought of them seriously when the tumult had subsided.
Recollecting the salutary advice of Madam de Larnage, and the cause of
my journey, I consulted the most famous practitioners, particularly
Monsieur Fizes; and through superabundance of precaution boarded at
a doctor's, who was an Irishman, and named Fitz-Morris.
This person boarded a number of young gentlemen who were studying
physic; and what rendered his house very commodious for an invalid, he
contented himself with a moderate pension for provision, lodging,
etc., and took nothing of his boarders for attendance as a
physician. He even undertook to execute the orders of M. Fizes, and
endeavor to reestablish my health. He certainly acquitted himself very
well in this employment; as to regimen, indigestions were not to be
gained at his table; and though I am not much hurt at privations of
that kind, the objects of comparison were so near, that I could not
help thinking with myself sometimes, that M. de Torignan was a much
better provider than M. Fitz-Morris; notwithstanding, as there was
no danger of dying with hunger, and all the youths were gay and
good-humored, I believe this manner of living was really
serviceable, and prevented my falling into those languors I had
latterly been so subject to. I passed the morning in taking medicines,
particularly, I know not what kind of waters, but believe they were
those of Vals, and in writing to Madam de Larnage; for the
correspondence was regularly kept up, and Rousseau kindly undertook to
receive these letters for his good friend Dudding. At noon I took a
walk to the Canourgue, with some of our young boarders, who were all
very good lads; after this we assembled for dinner; when this was
over, an affair of importance employed the greater part of us till
night; this was, going a little way out of town to take our
afternoon's collation, and make up two or three parties at mall, or
mallet. As I had neither strength nor skill, I did not play myself,
but I betted on the game, and, interested for the success of my wager,
followed the players and their balls over the rough and stony roads,
procuring by this means both an agreeable and salutary exercise. We
took our afternoon's refreshment at an inn out of the city. I need not
observe that these meetings were extremely merry, but should not
omit that they were equally innocent, though the girls of the house
were very pretty. M. Fitz-Morris (who was a great mall player himself)
was our president; and I must observe, notwithstanding the
imputation of wildness that is generally bestowed on students, that
I found more virtuous dispositions among these youths than could
easily be found among an equal number of men: they were rather noisy
than fond of wine, and more merry than libertine.
I accustomed myself so much to this mode of life, and it accorded so
entirely with my humor, that I should have been very well content with
a continuance of it. Several of my fellow-boarders were Irish, from
whom I endeavored to learn some English words, as a precaution for
Saint-Andiol. The time now drew near for my departure; every letter
Madam de Larnage wrote, she entreated me not to delay it, and at
length I prepared to obey her.
I was convinced that the physicians (who understood nothing of my
disorder) looked on my complaint as imaginary, and treated me
accordingly, with their waters and whey. In this respect physicians
and philosophers differ widely from theologians; admitting the truth
only of what they can explain, and making their knowledge the
measure of possibilities. These gentlemen understood nothing of my
illness, therefore concluded I could not be ill; and who would presume
to doubt the profound skill of a physician? I plainly saw they only
meant to amuse, and make me swallow my money; and judging their
substitute at Saint-Andiol would do me quite as much service, and be
infinitely more agreeable, I resolved to give her the preference;
full, therefore, of this wise resolution, I quitted Montpellier.
I set off towards the end of November, after a stay of six weeks
or two months in that city, where I left a dozen louis, without either
my health or understanding being the better for it, except from a
short course of anatomy begun under M. Fitz-Morris, which I was soon
obliged to abandon, from the horrible stench of the bodies he
dissected, which I found it impossible to endure.
Not thoroughly satisfied in my own mind on the rectitude of this
expedition, as I advanced towards the bridge of St. Esprit (which
was equally the road to Saint-Andiol and to Chambery) I began to
reflect on Madam de Warrens, the remembrance of whose letters,
though less frequent than those from Madam de Larnage, awakened in
my heart a remorse that passion had stifled in the first part of my
journey, but which became so lively on my return, that, setting just
estimate on the love of pleasure, I found myself in such a situation
of mind that I could listen wholly to the voice of reason. Besides, in
continuing to act the part of an adventurer, I might be less fortunate
than I had been in the beginning; for it was only necessary that in
all Saint-Andiol there should be one person who had been in England,
or who knew the English, or anything of their language, to prove me an
impostor. The family of Madam de Larnage might not be pleased with me,
and would, perhaps, treat me unpolitely; her daughter too made me
uneasy, for, spite of myself, I thought more of her than was
necessary. I trembled left I should fall in love with this girl, and
that very fear had already half done the business. Was I going, in
return for the mother's kindness, to seek the ruin of the daughter? To
sow dissension, dishonor, scandal, and hell itself, in her family? The
very idea struck me with horror, and I took the firmest resolution
to combat and vanquish this unhappy attachment, should I be so
unfortunate as to experience it. But why expose myself to this danger?
How miserable must the situation be to live with the mother, whom I
should be weary of, and sigh for the daughter, without daring to
make known my affection! What necessity was there to seek this
situation, and expose myself to misfortunes, affronts and remorse, for
the sake of pleasures whose greatest charm was already exhausted?
For I was sensible this attachment had lost its first vivacity. With
these thoughts were mingled reflections relative to my situation and
duty to that good and generous friend, who already loaded with
debts, would become more so from the foolish expenses I was running
into, and whom I was deceiving so unworthily. This reproach at
length became so keen that it triumphed over every temptation, and
on approaching the bridge of St. Esprit I formed the resolution to
burn my whole magazine of letters from Saint-Andiol, and continue my
journey right forward to Chambery.
I executed this resolution courageously, with some sighs I
confess, but with the heart-felt satisfaction, which I enjoyed for the
first time in my life, of saying, "I merit my own esteem, and know how
to prefer duty to pleasure." This was the first real obligation I owed
my books, since these had taught me to reflect and compare. After
the virtuous principles I had so lately adopted, after all the rules
of wisdom and honor I had proposed to myself, and felt so proud to
follow, the shame of possessing so little stability, and contradicting
so egregiously my own maxims, triumphed over the allurements of
pleasure. Perhaps, after all, pride had as much share in my resolution
as virtue; but if this pride is not virtue itself, its effects are
so similar that we are pardonable in deceiving ourselves.
One advantage resulting from good actions is that they elevate the
soul to a disposition of attempting still better; for such is human
weakness, that we must place among our good deeds an abstinence from
those crimes we are tempted to commit. No sooner was my resolution
confirmed than I became another man, or rather, I became what I was
before I had erred, and saw in its true colors what the intoxication
of the moment had either concealed or disguised. Full of worthy
sentiments and wise resolutions, I continued my journey, intending
to regulate my future conduct by the laws of virtue, and dedicate
myself without reserve to that best of friends, to whom I vowed as
much fidelity in future as I felt real attachment. The sincerity of
this return to virtue appeared to promise a better destiny; but
mine, alas! was fixed, and already begun: even at the very moment when
my heart, full of good and virtuous sentiments, was contemplating only
innocence and happiness through life, I touched on the fatal period
that was to draw after it the long chain of my misfortunes!
My impatience to arrive at Chambery had made me use more diligence
than I meant to do. I had sent a letter from Valence, mentioning the
day and hour I should arrive, but I had gained half a day on this
calculation, which time I passed at Chaparillan, that I might arrive
exactly at the time I mentioned. I wished to enjoy to its full
extent the pleasure of seeing her, and preferred deferring this
happiness a little, that expectancy might increase the value of it.
This precaution had always succeeded; hitherto my arrival had caused a
little holiday; I expected no less this time, and these
preparations, so dear to me, would have been well worth the trouble of
contriving them.
I arrived then exactly at the hour, and while at a considerable
distance, looked forward with an expectancy of seeing her on the
road to meet me. The beating of my heart increased as I drew near
the house; at length I arrived, quite out of breath; for I had left my
chaise in the town. I see no one in the garden, at the door, or at the
windows; I am seized with terror, fearful that some accident has
happened. I enter; all is quiet; the laborers are eating their
luncheon in the kitchen, and far from observing any preparation, the
servant seems surprised to see me, not knowing I was expected. I go
up-stairs, at length I see her!- that dear friend! so tenderly, truly,
and entirely beloved. I instantly ran towards her, and threw myself at
her feet. "Ah! child!" said she, "art thou returned then!" embracing
me at the same time. "Have you had a good journey? How do you do?"
This reception amused me for some moments, I then asked, whether she
had received my letter? She answered, "Yes." "I should have thought
not," replied I; and the information concluded there. A young man
was with her at this time. I recollected having seen him in the
house before my departure, but at present he seemed established there;
in short, he was so; I found my place already supplied!
This young man came from the country of Vaud; his father, named
Vintzenried, was keeper of the prison, or, as he expressed himself,
Captain of the Castle of Chillon. This son of the captain was a
journeyman peruke-maker, and gained his living in that capacity when
he first presented himself to Madam de Warrens, who received him
kindly, as she did all comers, particularly those from her own
country. He was a tall, fair, silly youth; well enough made, with an
unmeaning face, and a mind of the same description, speaking always
like the beau in a comedy, and mingling the manners and customs of his
former situation with a long history of his gallantry and success;
naming, according to his account, not above half the marchionesses
he had slept with, and pretending never to have dressed the head of
a pretty woman, without having likewise decorated her husband's; vain,
foolish, ignorant and insolent; such was the worthy substitute taken
in my absence, and the companion offered me on my return!
O! if souls disengaged from their terrestrial bonds, yet view from
the bosom of eternal light what passes here below, pardon, dear and
respectable shade, that I show no more favor to your failings than
my own, but equally unveil both. I ought and will be just to you as to
myself; but how much less will you lose by this resolution than I
shall! How much do your amiable and gentle disposition, your
inexhaustible goodness of heart, your frankness and other amiable
virtues, compensate for your foibles, if a subversion of reason
alone can be called such. You had errors, but not vices; your
conduct was reprehensible, but your heart was ever pure.
The new-comer had shown himself zealous and exact in all her
little commissions, which were ever numerous, and he diligently
overlooked the laborers. As noisy and insolent as I was quiet and
forbearing, he was seen or rather heard at the plow, in the hayloft,
wood-house, stable, farm-yard, at the same instant. He neglected the
gardening, this labor being too peaceful and moderate; his chief
pleasure was to load or drive the cart, to saw or cleave wood; he
was never seen without a hatchet or pick-ax in his hand, running,
knocking and hallooing with all his might. I know not how many men's
labor he performed, but he certainly made noise enough for ten or a
dozen at least. All this bustle imposed on poor Madam de Warrens;
she thought this young man a treasure, and, willing to attach him to
herself, employed the means she imagined necessary for that purpose,
not forgetting what she most depended on, the surrender of her person.
Those who have thus far read this work should be able to form some
judgment of my heart; its sentiments were the most constant and
sincere, particularly those which had brought me back to Chambery;
what a sudden and complete overthrow was this to my whole being! but
to judge fully of this, the reader must place himself for a moment
in my situation. saw all the future felicity I had promised myself
vanish in a moment; all the charming ideas I had indulged so
affectionately, disappear entirely; and I, who even from childhood had
not been able to consider my existence for a moment as separate from
hers, for the first time, saw myself utterly alone. This moment was
dreadful, and those that succeeded it were ever gloomy. I was yet
young, but the pleasing sentiments of enjoyment and hope, which
enliven youth, were extinguished. From that hour my existence seemed
half annihilated. I contemplated in advance the melancholy remains
of an insipid life, and if at any time an image of happiness glanced
through my mind, it was not that which appeared natural to me, and I
felt that even should I obtain it I must still be wretched.
I was so dull of apprehension, and my confidence in her was so
great, that, notwithstanding the familiar tone of the new-comer, which
I looked on as an effect of the easy disposition of Madam de
Warrens, which rendered her free with every one, I never should have
suspected his real situation had not she herself informed me of it;
but she hastened to make this avowal with a freedom calculated to
inflame me with resentment, could my heart have turned to that
point. Speaking of this connection as quite immaterial with respect to
herself, she reproached me with negligence in the care of the
family, and mentioned my frequent absence, as though she had been in
haste to supply my place. "Ah!" said I, my heart bursting with the
most poignant grief, "what do you dare to inform me of? Is this the
reward of an attachment like mine? Have you so many times preserved my
life, for the sole purpose of taking from me all that could render
it desirable? Your infidelity will bring me to the grave, but you will
regret my loss!" She answered with a tranquility sufficient to
distract me, that I talked like a child; that people did not die
from such slight causes; that our friendship need be no less
sincere, nor we any less intimate, for that her tender attachment to
me could neither diminish nor end but with herself; in a word she gave
me to understand that my happiness need not suffer any decrease from
the good fortune of this new favorite.
Never did the purity, truth and force of my attachment to her appear
more evident; never did I feel the sincerity and honesty of my soul
more forcibly, than at that moment. I threw myself at her feet,
embracing her knees with torrents of tears. "No, madam," replied I,
with the most violent agitation, "I love you too much to disgrace
you thus far, and too truly to share you; the regret that
accompanied the first acquisition of your favors has continued to
increase with my affection. I cannot preserve them by so violent an
augmentation of it. You shall ever have my adoration: be worthy of it;
to me that is more necessary than all you can bestow. It is to you,
O my dearest friend! that I resign my rights; it is to the union of
our hearts that I sacrifice my pleasure; rather would I perish a
thousand times than thus degrade her I love."
I preserved this resolution with a constancy worthy, I may say, of
the sentiment that gave it birth. From this moment I saw this
beloved woman but with the eyes of a real son. It should be remarked
here, that this resolve did not meet her private approbation, as I too
well perceived; yet she never employed the least art to make me
renounce it either by insinuating proposals, caresses, or any of those
means which women so well know how to employ without exposing
themselves to violent censure, and which seldom fail to succeed.
Reduced to seek a fate independent of hers, and not able to devise
one, I passed to the other extreme, placing my happiness so absolutely
in her, that I became almost regardless of myself. The ardent desire
to see her happy, at any rate, absorbed all my affections; it was in
vain she endeavored to separate her felicity from mine, I felt I had a
part in it, spite of every impediment.
Thus those virtues whose seeds in my heart begun to spring up with
my misfortunes: they had been cultivated by study, and only waited the
fermentation of adversity to become prolific. The first-fruit of
this disinterested disposition was to put from my heart every
sentiment of hatred and envy against him who had supplanted me. I even
sincerely wished to attach myself to this young man; to form and
educate him; to make him sensible of his happiness, and, if
possible, render him worthy of it; in a word, to do for him what
Anet had formerly done for me. But the similarity of dispositions
was wanting. More insinuating and enlightened than Anet, I possessed
neither his coolness, fortitude, nor commanding strength of character,
which I must have had in order to succeed. Neither did the young man
possess those qualities which Anet found in me; such as gentleness,
gratitude, and above all, the knowledge of a want of his instructions,
and an ardent desire to render them useful. All these were wanting;
the person I wished to improve, saw in me nothing but an
importunate, chattering pedant: while on the contrary he admired his
own importance in the house, measuring the services he thought he
rendered by the noise he made, and looking on his saws, hatchets,
and pick-axes, as infinitely more useful than all my old books: and,
perhaps, in this particular, he might not be altogether blamable;
but he gave himself a number of airs sufficient to make any one die
with laughter. With the peasants he assumed the airs of a country
gentleman; presently he did as much with me, and at length with
Madam de Warrens herself. His name, Vintzenried, did not appear
noble enough, he therefore changed it to that of Monsieur de
Courtilles, and by the latter appellation he was known at Chambery,
and in Maurienne, where he married.
At length this illustrious personage gave himself such airs of
consequence, that he was everything in the house, and myself
nothing. When I had the misfortune to displease him, he scolded
Madam de Warrens, and a fear of exposing her to his brutality rendered
me subservient to all his whims, so that every time he cleaved wood
(an office which he performed with singular pride) it was necessary
I should be an idle spectator and admirer of his prowess. This lad was
not, however, of a bad disposition; he loved Madam de Warrens,
indeed it was impossible to do otherwise; nor had he any aversion even
to me, and when he happened to be out of his airs would listen to
our admonitions, and frankly own he was a fool; yet notwithstanding
these acknowledgments his follies continued in the same proportion.
His knowledge was so contracted, and his inclinations so mean, that it
was useless to reason, and almost impossible to be pleased with him.
Not content with a most charming woman, he amused himself with an
old red-haired, toothless waiting-maid, whose unwelcome service
Madam de Warrens had the patience to endure, though it was
absolutely disgusting. I soon perceived this new inclination, and
was exasperated at it; but I saw something else, which affected me yet
more, and made a deeper impression on me than anything had hitherto
done; this was a visible coldness in the behavior of Madam de
Warrens towards me.
The privation I had imposed on myself, and which she affected to
approve, is one of those affronts which women scarcely ever forgive.
Take the most sensible, the most philosophic female, one the least
attached to pleasure, and slighting her favors, if within your
reach, will be found the most unpardonable crime, even though she
may care nothing for the man. This rule is certainly without
exception; since a sympathy so natural and ardent was impaired in her,
by an abstinence founded only on virtue, attachment, and esteem, I
no longer found with her that union of hearts which constituted all
the happiness of mine; she seldom sought me but when we had occasion
to complain of this new-comer, for when they were agreed, I enjoyed
but little of her confidence, and, at length, was scarcely ever
consulted in her affairs. She seemed pleased, indeed, with my company,
but had I passed whole days without seeing her she would hardly have
missed me.
Insensibly, I found myself desolate and alone in that house where
I had formerly been the very soul; where, if I may so express
myself, I had enjoyed a double life, and, by degrees, I accustomed
myself to disregard everything that passed, and even those who dwelt
there. To avoid continual mortifications, I shut myself up with my
books, or else wept and sighed unnoticed in the woods. This life
soon became insupportable; I felt that the presence of a woman so dear
to me, while estranged from her heart, increased my unhappiness, and
was persuaded, that, ceasing to see her, I should feel myself less
cruelly separated.
I resolved, therefore, to quit the house, mentioned it to her, and
she, far from opposing my resolution, approved it. She had an
acquaintance at Grenoble, called Madam de Deybens, whose husband was
on terms of friendship with Monsieur Mably, chief Provost of Lyons. M.
Deybens proposed my educating M. Mably's children; I accepted this
offer, and departed for Lyons, without causing, and almost without
feeling, the least regret at a separation, the bare idea of which, a
few months before, would have given us both the most excruciating
torments.
I had almost as much knowledge as was necessary for a tutor, and
flattered myself that my method would be unexceptionable; but the year
I passed at M. Mably's, was sufficient to undeceive me in that
particular. The natural gentleness of my disposition seemed calculated
for the employment, if hastiness had not been mingled with it. While
things went favorably, and I saw the pains (which I did not spare)
succeed, I was an angel; but a devil when they went contrary. If my
pupils did not understand me, I was hasty, and when they showed any
symptoms of an untoward disposition, I was so provoked that I could
have killed them; which behavior was not likely to render them
either good or wise. I had two under my care, and they were of very
different tempers. Ste.-Marie, who was between eight and nine years
old, had a good person and quick apprehension, was giddy, lively,
playful and mischievous; but his mischief was ever good-humored. The
younger one, named Condillac, appeared stupid and fretful, was
headstrong as a mule, and seemed incapable of instruction. It may be
supposed that between both I did not want employment, yet with
patience and temper I might have succeeded; but wanting both, I did
nothing worth mentioning, and my pupils profited very little. I
could only make use of three means, which are very weak, and often
pernicious with children; namely, sentiment, reasoning, passion. I
sometimes exerted myself so much with Ste.-Marie, that I could not
refrain from tears, and wished to excite similar sensations in him; as
if it was reasonable to suppose a child could be susceptible of such
emotions. Sometimes I exhausted myself in reasoning, as if persuaded
he could comprehend me; and as he frequently formed very subtle
arguments, concluded he must be reasonable, because he bade fair to be
so good a logician.
The little Condillac was still more embarrassing; for he neither
understood, answered, nor was concerned at anything; he was of an
obstinacy beyond belief, and was never happier than when he had
succeeded in putting me in a rage, then, indeed, he was the
philosopher, and I the child. I was conscious of all my faults,
studied the tempers of my pupils, and became acquainted with them; but
where was the use of seeing the evil, without being able to apply a
remedy? My penetration was unavailing, since it never prevented any
mischief; and everything I undertook failed, because all I did to
effect my designs was precisely what I ought not to have done.
I was not more fortunate in what had only reference to myself,
than in what concerned my pupils. Madam Deybens, in recommending me to
her friend Madam de Mably, had requested her to form my manners, and
endeavor to give me an air of the world. She took some pains on this
account, wishing to teach me how to do the honors of the house; but
I was so awkward, bashful, and stupid, that she found it necessary
to stop there. This, however, did not prevent me from falling in
love with her, according to my usual custom; I even behaved in such
a manner, that she could not avoid observing it; but I never durst
declare my passion; and as the lady never seemed in a humor to make
advances, I soon became weary of my sighs and ogling, being
convinced they answered no manner of purpose.
I had quite lost my inclination for little thieveries while with
Madam de Warrens; indeed, as everything belonged to me, there was
nothing to steal; besides, the elevated notions I had imbibed ought to
have rendered me in future above such meanness, and generally speaking
they certainly did so; but this rather proceeded from my having
learned to conquer temptations, than have succeeded in rooting out the
propensity, and I should even now greatly dread stealing, as in my
infancy, were I yet subject to the same inclinations. I had a proof of
this at M. Mably's, where, though surrounded by a number of little
things that I could easily have pilfered, and which appeared no
temptation, I took it into my head to covet some white Arbois wine,
some glasses of which I had drank at table, and thought delicious.
It happened to be rather thick, and as I fancied myself an excellent
finer of wine, I mentioned my skill, and this was accordingly
trusted to my care, but in attempting to mend, I spoiled it, though to
the sight only, for it remained equally agreeable to the taste.
Profiting by this opportunity, I furnished myself from time to time
with a few bottles to drink in my own apartment; but unluckily, I
could never drink without eating; the difficulty lay therefore, in
procuring bread. It was impossible to make a reserve of this
article, and to have it brought by the footman was discovering myself,
and insulting the master of the house; I could not bear to purchase it
myself; how could a fine gentleman, with a sword by his side, enter
a baker's shop to buy a small loaf of bread?- it was utterly
impossible. At length I recollected the thoughtless saying of a
great princess, who, on being informed that the country people had
no bread, replied, "Then let them eat pastry!" Yet even this
resource was attended with a difficulty. I sometimes went out alone
for this very purpose, running over the whole city, and passing thirty
pastry cook's shops without daring to enter any one of them. In the
first place, it was necessary there should be only one person in the
shop, and that person's physiognomy must be so encouraging as to
give me confidence to pass the threshold; but when once the dear
little cake was procured, and I shut up in my chamber with that and
a bottle of wine, taken cautiously from the bottom of a cupboard,
how much did I enjoy drinking my wine, and reading a few pages of a
novel; for when I have no company I always wish to read while
eating; it seems a substitute for society, and I dispatch
alternately a page and a morsel; 'tis indeed as if my book dined
with me.
I was neither dissolute nor sottish, never in my whole life having
been intoxicated with liquor; my little thefts were not very
indiscreet, yet they were discovered; the bottles betrayed me, and
though no notice was taken of it, I had no longer the management of
the cellar. In all this Monsieur Mably conducted himself with prudence
and politeness, being really a very deserving man, who, under a manner
as harsh as his employment, concealed a real gentleness of disposition
and uncommon goodness of heart: he was judicious, equitable, and (what
would not be expected from an officer of the Marechausse) very humane.
Sensible of his indulgence, I became greatly attached to him,
which made my stay at Lyons longer than it would otherwise have
been; but at length, disgusted with an employment which I was not
calculated for, and a situation of great confinement, consequently
disagreeable to me, after a year's trial, during which time I spared
no pains to fulfill my engagement, I determined to quit my pupils;
being convinced I should never succeed in educating them properly.
Monsieur Mably saw this as clearly as myself, though I am inclined
to think he would never have dismissed me had I not spared him the
trouble, which was an excess of condescension in this particular, that
I certainly cannot justify.
What rendered my situation yet more insupportable was the comparison
I was continually drawing between the life I now led and that which
I had quitted; the remembrance of my dear Charmettes, my garden,
trees, fountain and orchard, but above all, the company of her who was
born to give life and soul to every other enjoyment. On calling to
mind our pleasures and innocent life, I was seized with such
oppressions and heaviness of heart, as deprived me of the power of
performing anything as it should be. A hundred times was I tempted
instantly to set off on foot to my dear Madam de Warrens, being
persuaded that could I once more see her, I should be content to die
that moment: in fine, I could no longer resist the tender emotions
which recalled me back to her, whatever it might cost me. I accused
myself of not having been sufficiently patient, complaisant and
kind; concluding I might yet live happily with her on the terms of
tender friendship, and by showing more for her than I had hitherto
done. I formed the finest projects in the world, burned to execute
them, left all, renounced everything, departed, fled, and arriving
in all the transports of my early youth, found myself once more at her
feet. Alas! I should have died there with joy, and I found in her
reception, in her embrace, or in her heart, one-quarter of what I
had formerly found there, and which I yet felt the undiminished warmth
of.
Fearful illusion of transitory things, how often dost thou torment
us in vain! She received me with that excellence of heart which
could only die with her; but I sought the influence there which
could never be recalled, and had hardly been half an hour with her
before I was once more convinced that my former happiness had vanished
forever, and that I was in the same melancholy situation which I had
been obliged to fly from; yet without being able to accuse any
person with my unhappiness, for Courtilles really was not to blame,
appearing to see my return with more pleasure than dissatisfaction.
But how could I bear to be a secondary person with her to whom I had
been everything, and who could never cease being such to me? How could
I live an alien in that house where I had been the child? The sight of
every object that had been witness to my former happiness, rendered
the comparison yet more distressing; I should have suffered less in
any other habitation, for this incessantly recalled such pleasing
remembrances, that it was irritating the recollection of my loss.
Consumed with vain regrets, given up to the most gloomy
melancholy, I resumed the custom of remaining alone, except at
meals: shut up with my books, I sought to give some useful diversion
to my ideas, and feeling the imminent danger of want, which I had so
long dreaded, I sought means to prepare for and receive it, when Madam
de Warrens should have no other resource. I had placed her household
on a footing not to become worse; but since my departure everything
had been altered. He who now managed her affairs was a spendthrift,
and wished to make a great appearance; such as keeping a good horse
with elegant trappings; loved to appear gay in the eyes of the
neighbors, and was perpetually undertaking something he did not
understand. Her pension was taken up in advance, her rent was in
arrears, debts of every kind continued to accumulate; I could
plainly foresee that her pension would soon be seized, and perhaps
suppressed; in short, I expected nothing but ruin and misfortune,
and the moment appeared to approach so rapidly that I already felt all
its horrors.
My closet was my only amusement, and after a tedious search for
remedies for the sufferings of my mind, I determined to seek some
against the evil of distressing circumstances, which I daily
expected would fall upon us, and returning to my old chimeras,
behold me once more building castles in the air to relieve this dear
friend from the cruel extremities into which I saw her ready to
fall. I did not believe myself wise enough to shine in the republic of
letters, or to stand any chance of making a fortune by that means; a
new idea, therefore, inspired me with that confidence, which the
mediocrity of my talents could not impart.
In ceasing to teach music I had not abandoned the thoughts of it; on
the contrary, I had studied the theory sufficiently to consider myself
well informed on the subject. When reflecting on the trouble it had
cost me to read music, and the great difficulty I yet experienced in
singing at sight, I began to think the fault might as well arise
from the manner of noting as from my own dullness, being sensible it
was an art which most people find difficult to understand. By
examining the formation of the signs, I was convinced they were
frequently very ill devised. I had before thought of marking the gamut
by figures, to prevent the trouble of having lines to draw, on
noting the plainest air; but had been stopped by the difficulty of the
octaves, and by the distinction of measure and quantity: this idea
returned again to my mind, and on a careful revision of it, I found
the difficulties were by no means insurmountable. I pursued it
successfully, and was at length able to note any music whatever by
figures, with the greatest exactitude and simplicity. From this moment
I supposed my fortune made, and in the ardor of sharing it with her to
whom I owed everything, thought only of going to Paris, not doubting
that on presenting my project to the Academy, it would be adopted with
rapture. I had brought some money from Lyons; I augmented this stock
by the sale of my books, and in the course of a fortnight my
resolution was both formed and executed: in short, full of the
magnificent ideas it had inspired, and which were common to me on
every occasion, I departed from Savoy with my new system of music,
as I had formerly done from Turin with my heron-fountain.
Such have been the errors and faults of my youth: I have related the
history of them with a fidelity which my heart approves; if my riper
years were dignified with some virtues, I should have related them
with the same frankness; it was my intention to have done this, but
I must forego that pleasing task and stop here. Time, which renders
justice to the characters of most men, may withdraw the veil; and
should my memory reach posterity, they may one day discover what I had
to say- they will then understand why I am now silent.
BOOK VII
[1741]
AFTER two years silence and patience, and notwithstanding my
resolutions, I again take up my pen. Reader, suspend your judgment
as to the reasons which force me to such a step: of these you can be
no judge until you shall have read my book.
You have seen my youth pass away calmly without any great
disappointments or remarkable prosperity. This was mostly owing to
my ardent yet feeble nature, less prompt in undertaking than easy to
discourage: quitting repose by violent agitations, but returning to it
from lassitude and inclinations, and which, placing me in an idle
and tranquil state for which alone I felt I was born, at a distance
from the paths of great virtues and still further from those of
great vices.
The first part of my confessions was written entirely from memory,
and is consequently full of errors. As I am obliged to write the
second part from memory also, the errors in it will probably be
still more numerous. The remembrance of the finest portion of my
years, passed with so much tranquility and innocence, has left in my
heart a thousand charming impressions which I love to call to my
recollection. Far from increasing that of my situation by these
sorrowful reflections, I repel them as much as possible, and in this
endeavor often succeed so well as to be unable to find them at will.
This facility of forgetting my misfortunes is a consolation which
Heaven has reserved to me in the midst of those which fate has one day
to accumulate upon my head. My memory, which presents to me no objects
but such as are agreeable, is the happy counterpoise of my terrified
imagination, by which I foresee nothing but a cruel futurity.
All the papers I had collected to aid my recollection, and guide
me in this undertaking, are no longer in my possession, nor can I ever
again hope to regain them.
I have but one faithful guide on which I can depend: this is the
chain of the sentiments by which the succession of my existence has
been marked, and by these the events which have been either the
cause or the effect of the manner of it. I easily forget my
misfortunes, but I cannot forget my faults, and still less my virtuous
sentiments. The remembrance of these is too dear to me ever to
suffer them to be effaced from my mind. I may omit facts, transpose
events, and fall into some errors of dates; but I cannot be deceived
in what I have felt, nor in that which from sentiment I have done; and
to relate this is the chief end of my present work. The real object of
my confessions is to communicate an exact knowledge of what I
interiorly am and have been in every situation of my life. I have
promised the history of my mind, and to write it faithfully I have
no need of other memoirs: to enter into my own heart, as I have
hitherto done, will alone be sufficient.
There is, however, and very happily, an interval of six or seven
years, relative to which I have exact references, in a collection of
letters copied from the originals, in the hands of M. du Peyrou.
This collection, which concludes in 1760, comprehends the whole time
of my residence at the hermitage, and my great quarrel with those
who called themselves my friends; that memorable epocha of my life,
and the source of all my other misfortunes. With respect to more
recent original letters which may remain in my possession, and are but
few in number, instead of transcribing them at the end of this
collection, too voluminous to enable me to deceive the vigilance of my
Arguses, I will copy them into the work whenever they appear to
furnish any explanation, be this either for or against myself; for I
am not under the least apprehension lest the reader should forget I
make my confession, and be induced to believe I make my apology; but
he cannot expect I shall conceal the truth when it testifies in my
favor.
This second part, it is likewise to be remembered, contains
nothing in common with the first, except truth; nor has any other
advantage over it, but the importance of the facts; in everything
else, it is inferior to the former. I wrote the first with pleasure,
with satisfaction, and at my ease, at Wootton, or in the castle of
Trye: everything I had to recollect was a new enjoyment. I returned to
my closet with an increased pleasure, and, without constraint, gave
that turn to my descriptions which most flatters my imagination.
At present my head and memory are become so weak as to render me
almost incapable of every kind of application: my present
undertaking is the result of constraint, and a heart full of sorrow. I
have nothing to treat of but misfortunes, treacheries, perfidies,
and circumstances equally afflicting. I would give the world, could
I bury in the obscurity of time, everything I have to say, and
which, in spite of myself, I am obliged to relate. I am, at the same
time, under the necessity of being mysterious and subtle, of
endeavoring to impose and of descending to things the most foreign
to my nature. The ceiling under which I write has eyes; the walls of
my chamber have ears. Surrounded by spies and by vigilant and
malevolent inspectors, disturbed, and my attention diverted, I hastily
commit to paper a few broken sentences, which I have scarcely time
to read, and still less to correct. I know that, notwithstanding the
barriers which are multiplied around me, my enemies are afraid truth
should escape by some little opening. What means can I take to
introduce it to the world? This, however, I attempt with but few hopes
of success. The reader will judge whether or not such a situation
furnishes the means of agreeable descriptions, or of giving them a
seductive coloring! I therefore inform such as may undertake to read
this work, that nothing can secure them from weariness in the
prosecution of their task, unless it be the desire of becoming more
fully acquainted with a man whom they already know, and a sincere love
of justice and truth.
In my first part I brought down my narrative to my departure with
infinite regret from Paris, leaving my heart at Charmettes, and, there
building my last castle in the air, intending some day to return to
the feet of Mama, restored to herself, with the treasures I should
have acquired, and depending upon my system of music as upon a certain
fortune.
I made some stay at Lyons to visit my acquaintance, procure
letters of recommendation to Paris, and to sell my books of geometry
which I had brought with me. I was well received by all whom I knew.
M. and Madam de Mably seemed pleased to see me again, and several
times invited me to dinner. At their house I became acquainted with
the Abbe de Mably, as I had already done with the Abbe de Condillac,
both of whom were on a visit to their brother. The Abbe de Mably
gave me letters to Paris; among others, one to M. de Fontenelle, and
another to the Comte de Caylus. These were very agreeable
acquaintances, especially the first, to whose friendship for me his
death only put a period, and from whom, in our private
conversations, I received advice which I ought to have more exactly
followed.
I likewise saw M. Bordes, with whom I had been long acquainted and
who had frequently obliged me with the greatest cordiality and the
most real pleasure. He it was who enabled me to sell my books; and
he also gave me from himself good recommendations to Paris. I again
saw the intendant for whose acquaintance I was indebted to M.
Bordes, and who introduced me to the Duke de Richelieu, who was then
passing through Lyons. M. Pallu presented me. The duke received me
well, and invited me to come and see him at Paris; I did so several
times; although this great acquaintance, of which I shall frequently
have occasion to speak, was never of the most trifling utility to me.
I visited the musician David, who, in one of my former journeys, and
in my distress, had rendered me service. He had either lent or given
me a cap and a pair of stockings, which I have never returned, nor has
he ever asked me for them, although we have since that time frequently
seen each other. I, however, made him a present, something like an
equivalent. I would say more upon this subject, were what I have
owed in question; but I have to speak of what I have done, which,
unfortunately, is far from being the same thing.
I also saw the noble and generous Perrichon, and not without feeling
the effects of his accustomed munificence; for he made me the same
present he had previously done to "Gentil-Bernard," by paying for my
place in the diligence. I visited the surgeon Parisot, the best and
most benevolent of men; as also his beloved Godefroi, who had lived
with him ten years, and whose merit chiefly consisted in her gentle
manners and goodness of heart. It was impossible to see this woman
without pleasure, or to leave her without regret. Nothing better shows
the inclinations of a man, than the nature of his attachments* Those
who had once seen the gentle Godefroi, immediately knew the good and
amiable Parisot.
* Unless he be deceived in his choice, or that she, to whom he
attaches himself, changes her character by an extraordinary
concurrence of causes, which is not absolutely impossible. Were this
consequence to be admitted without modification, Socrates must be
judged by his wife Xantippe, and Dion by his friend Calippus, which
would be the most false and iniquitous judgment ever made. However,
let no injurious application be here made to my wife. She is weak
and more easily deceived than I at first imagined, but by her pure and
excellent character she is worthy of all my esteem.
I was much obliged to all these good people, but I afterwards
neglected them all; not from ingratitude, but from that invincible
indolence which so often assumes its appearance. The remembrance of
their services, has never been effaced from my mind, nor the
impression they made, from my heart; but I could more easily have
proved my gratitude, than assiduously have shown them the exterior
of that sentiment. Exactitude in correspondence is what I never
could observe; the moment I begin to relax, the shame and
embarrassment of repairing my fault make me aggravate it, and I
entirely desist from writing; I have, therefore, been silent, and
appeared to forget them. Parisot and Perrichon took not the least
notice of my negligence, and I ever found them the same. But, twenty
years afterwards it will be seen, in M. Bordes, to what a degree the
self-love of a wit can make him carry his vengeance when he feels
himself neglected.
Before I leave Lyons, I must not forget an amiable person, whom I
again saw with more pleasure than ever, and who left in my heart the
most tender remembrance. This was Mademoiselle Serre, of whom I have
spoken in my first part; I renewed my acquaintance with her whilst I
was at M. de Mably's.
Being this time more at leisure, I saw her more frequently, and
she made the most sensible impressions on my heart. I had some
reason to believe her own was not unfavorable to my pretensions; but
she honored me with her confidence so far as to remove from me all
temptation to allure her partiality. She had no fortune, and in this
respect exactly resembled myself; our situations were too similar to
permit us to become united; and with the views I then had, I was far
from thinking of marriage. She gave me to understand that a young
merchant, one M. Geneve, seemed to wish to obtain her hand. I saw
him once or twice at her lodgings; he appeared to me to be an honest
man, and this was his general character. Persuaded she would be
happy with him, I was desirous he should marry her, which he
afterwards did; and that I might not disturb their innocent love, I
hastened my departure; offering up, for the happiness of that charming
woman, prayers, which, here below, were not long heard. Alas! her time
was very short, for I afterwards heard she died in the second or third
year after her marriage. My mind, during the journey, was wholly
absorbed in tender regret. I felt, and since that time, when these
circumstances have been present to my recollection, have frequently
done the same; that although the sacrifices made to virtue and our
duty may sometimes be painful, we are well rewarded by the agreeable
remembrance they leave deeply engraven in our hearts.
I this time saw Paris in as favorable a point of views as it had
appeared to me in an unfavorable one at my first journey; not that
my ideas of its brilliancy arose from the splendor of my lodgings: for
in consequence of an address given me by M. Bordes, I resided at the
Hotel St. Quentin, Rue des Cordiers, near the Sorbonne; a vile street,
a miserable hotel, and a wretched apartment: but nevertheless a
house in which several men of merit, such as Gresset, Bordes, Abbe
Mably, Condillac, and several others, of whom unfortunately I found
not one, had taken up their quarters: but I there met with M.
Bonnefond, a man unacquainted with the world, lame, litigious, and who
affected to be a purist. To him I owe the acquaintance of M. Roguin,
at present the oldest friend I have, and by whose means I became
acquainted with Diderot, of whom I shall soon have occasion to say a
good deal.
I arrived at Paris in the autumn of 1741, with fifteen louis in my
purse, and with my comedy of Narcissus and my musical project in my
pocket. These composed my whole stock, consequently, I had not much
time to lose before I attempted to turn the latter to some
advantage. I therefore immediately thought of making use of my
recommendations.
A young man who arrives at Paris, with a tolerable figure, and
announces himself by his talents, is sure to be well received. This
was my good fortune, which procured me some pleasures without
leading to anything solid. Of all persons to whom I was recommended,
three only were useful to me. M. Damesin, a gentleman of Savoy, at
that time equerry, and I believe favorite, of the Princess of
Carignan; M. de Boze, secretary to the Academy of Inscriptions, and
keeper of the medals of the king's cabinet; and Father Castle, a
Jesuit, author of the Clavecin oculaire.*
* An effort to produce sensations of melody by combinations of
colors.
All these recommendations, except that to M. Damesin, were given
me by the Abbe de Mably.
M. Damesin provided me with that which was most needful, by means of
two persons with whom he brought me acquainted. One was M. Gasc,
president a mortier of the parliament of Bordeaux, and who played very
well upon the violin; the other, the Abbe de Leon, who then lodged
in the Sorbonne, a young nobleman, extremely amiable, who died in
the flower of his age, after having, for a few moments, made a
figure in the world under the name of the Chevalier de Rohan. Both
these gentlemen had an inclination to learn composition. In this I
gave them lessons for a few months, by which means my decreasing purse
received some little aid. The Abbe de Leon conceived a friendship
for me, and wished me to become his secretary; but he was far from
being rich, and all the salary he could offer me was eight hundred
livres, which, with infinite regret, I refused; since it was
insufficient to defray the expenses of my lodging, food and clothing.
I was well received by M. de Boze. He had a thirst for knowledge, of
which he possessed not a little, but was somewhat pedantic. Madam de
Boze much resembled him; she was lively and affected. I sometimes
dined with them, and it is impossible to be more awkward than I was in
her presence. Her easy manner intimidated me, and rendered mine more
remarkable. When she presented me a plate, I modestly put forward my
fork to take one of the least bits of what she offered me, which
made her give the plate to her servant, turning her head aside that
I might not see her laugh. She had not the least suspicion that in the
head of the rustic with whom she was so diverted there was some
small portion of wit. M. de Boze presented me to M. de Reaumur, his
friend, who came to dine with him every Friday, the day on which the
Academy of Sciences met. He mentioned to him my project, and the
desire I had of having it examined by the academy. M. de Reaumur
consented to make the proposal, and his offer was accepted. On the day
appointed I was introduced and presented by M. de Reaumur, and on
the same day, August 22d, 1742, I had the honor to read to the academy
the memoir I had prepared for that purpose. Although this
illustrious assembly might certainly well be expected to inspire me
with awe, I was less intimidated on this occasion than I had been in
the presence of Madam de Boze, and I got tolerably well through my
reading and the answers I was obliged to give. The memoir was well
received, and acquired me some compliments by which I was equally
surprised and flattered, imagining that before such an assembly,
whoever was not a member of it could not have common-sense. The
persons appointed to examine my system were M. Mairan, M. Hellot,
and M. de Fouchy, all three men of merit, but not one of them
understood music, at least not enough of composition to enable them to
judge of my project.
During my conference with these gentlemen, I was convinced with no
less certainty than surprise, that if men of learning have sometimes
fewer prejudices than others, they more tenaciously retain those
they have. However weak or false most of their objections were, and
although I answered them with great timidity, and I confess, in bad
terms, yet with decisive reasons, I never once made myself understood,
or gave them any explanation in the least satisfactory. I was
constantly surprised at the facility with which, by the aid of a few
sonorous phrases, they refuted, without having comprehended me. They
had learned, I know not where, that a monk of the name of Souhaitti
had formerly invented a mode of noting the gamut by ciphers: a
sufficient proof that my system was not new. This might, perhaps, be
the case; for although I had never heard of Father Souhaitti, and
notwithstanding his manner of writing the seven notes without
attending to the octaves was not, under any point of view, worthy of
entering into competition with my simple and commodious invention
for easily noting by ciphers every possible kind of music, keys,
rests, octaves, measure, time, and length of note; things on which
Souhaitti had never thought: it was nevertheless true, that with
respect to the elementary expression of the seven notes, he was the
first inventor.
But besides their giving to this primitive invention more importance
than was due to it, they went still further, and, whenever they
spoke of the fundamental principles of the system, talked nonsense.
The greatest advantage of my scheme was to supersede transpositions
and keys, so that the same piece of music was noted and transposed
at will by means of the change of a single initial letter at the
head of the air. These gentlemen had heard from the music-masters of
Paris that the method of executing by transposition was a bad one; and
on this authority converted the most evident advantage of my system
into an invincible objection against it, and affirmed that my mode
of notation was good for vocal music, but bad for instrumental;
instead of concluding as they ought to have done, that it was good for
vocal, and still better for instrumental. On their report the
academy granted me a certificate full of fine compliments, amidst
which it appeared that in reality it judged my system to be neither
new nor useful. I did not think proper to ornament with such a paper
the work entitled, Dissertation sur la musique moderne,* by which I
appealed to the public.
* Dissertation on modern music.
I had reason to remark on this occasion that, even with a narrow
understanding, the sole but profound knowledge of a thing is
preferable for the purpose of judging of it, to all the lights
resulting from a cultivation of the sciences, when to these particular
study of that in question has not been joined. The only solid
objection to my system was made by Rameau. I had scarcely explained it
to him before he discovered its weak part. "Your signs," said he, "are
very good, inasmuch as they clearly and simply determine the length of
notes, exactly represent intervals, and show the simple in the
double note, which the common notation does not do; but they are
objectionable on account of their requiring an operation of the
mind, which cannot always accompany the rapidity of execution. The
position of our notes," continued he, "is described to the eye without
the concurrence of this operation. If two notes, one very high and the
other very low, be joined by a series of intermediate ones, I see at
the first glance the progress from one to the other by conjoined
degrees; but in your system, to perceive this series, I must
necessarily run over your ciphers one after the other; the glance of
the eye is here useless." The objection appeared to me insurmountable,
and I instantly assented to it. Although it be simple and striking,
nothing can suggest it but great knowledge and practice of the art,
and it is by no means astonishing that not one of the academicians
should have thought of it. But what creates much surprise is, that
these men of great learning, and who are supposed to possess so much
knowledge, should so little know that each ought to confine his
judgment to that which relates to the study with which he has been
conversant.
My frequent visits to the literati appointed to examine my system
and the other academicians gave me an opportunity of becoming
acquainted with the most distinguished men of letters in Paris, and by
this means the acquaintance that would have been the consequence of my
sudden admission amongst them which afterwards came to pass, was
already established. With respect to the present moment, absorbed in
my new system of music, I obstinately adhered to my intention of
effecting a revolution in the art, and by that means of acquiring a
celebrity which, in the fine arts, is in Paris mostly accompanied by
fortune. I shut myself in my chamber and labored three or four
months with inexpressible ardor, in forming into a work for the public
eye, the memoir I had read before the academy. The difficulty was to
find a bookseller to take my manuscript; and this on account of the
necessary expenses for new characters, and because booksellers give
not their money by handfuls to young authors; although to me it seemed
but just my work should render me the bread I had eaten while employed
in its composition.
Bonnefond introduced me to Quillau the father, with whom I agreed to
divide the profits, without reckoning the privilege, of which I paid
the whole expense. Such were the future proceedings of this Quillau
that I lost the expenses of my privilege, never having received a
farthing from that edition; which, probably, had but very middling
success, although the Abbe des Fontaines promised to give it
celebrity, and, notwithstanding the other journalists, had spoken of
it very favorably.
The greatest obstacle to making the experiment of my system was
the fear, in case of its not being received, of losing the time
necessary to learn it. To this I answered, that my notes rendered
the ideas so clear, that to learn music by means of the ordinary
characters, time would be gained by beginning with mine. To prove this
by experience, I taught music gratis to a young American lady,
Mademoiselle des Roulins, with whom M. Roguin had brought me
acquainted. In three months she read every kind of music, by means
of my notation, and sung at sight better than I did myself, any
piece that was not too difficult. This success was convincing, but not
known; any other person would have filled the journals with the
detail, but with some talents for discovering useful things, I never
have possessed that of setting them off to advantage.
Thus was my heron-fountain again broken; but this time I was
thirty years of age, and in Paris, where it is impossible to live
for a trifle. The resolution I took upon this occasion will astonish
none, but those by whom the first part of these memoirs has not been
read with attention. I had just made great and fruitless efforts,
and was in need of relaxation. Instead of sinking with despair I
gave myself up quietly to my indolence and to the care of
providence; and the better to wait for its assistance with patience, I
laid down a frugal plan for the slow expenditure of a few louis, which
still remained in my possession, regulating the expense of my supine
pleasures without retrenching it; going to the coffee-house but
every other day, and to the theater but twice a week. With respect
to the expenses of girls of easy virtue, I had no retrenchment to
make; never having in the whole course of my life applied so much as a
farthing to that use except once, of which I shall soon have
occasion to speak. The security, voluptuousness, and confidence with
which I gave myself up to this indolent and solitary life, which I had
not the means of continuing for three months, is one of the
singularities of my life, and the oddities of my disposition. The
extreme desire I had the public should think of me was precisely
what discouraged me from showing myself; and the necessity of paying
visits rendered them to such a degree insupportable, that I ceased
visiting the academicians and other men of letters, with whom I had
cultivated an acquaintance. Marivaux, the Abbe Mably, and
Fontenelle, were almost the only persons whom I sometimes went to see.
To the first I showed my comedy of Narcissus. He was pleased with
it, and had the goodness to make in it some improvements. Diderot,
younger than these, was much about my own age. He was fond of music,
and knew it theoretically; we conversed together, and he
communicated to me some of his literary projects. This soon formed
betwixt us a more intimate connection which lasted fifteen years,
and which probably would still exist were not I, unfortunately, and by
his own fault, of the same profession with himself.
It would be impossible to imagine in what manner I employed this
short and precious interval which still remained to me, before
circumstances forced me to beg my bread:- in learning by memory
passages from the poets which I had learned and forgotten a hundred
times. Every morning, at ten o'clock, I went to walk in the Luxembourg
with a Virgil and a Rousseau in my pocket, and there, until the hour
of dinner, I passed away the time in restoring to my memory a sacred
ode or a bucolic, without being discouraged by forgetting, by the
study of the morning, what I had learned the evening before. I
recollected that after the defeat of Nicias at Syracuse the captive
Athenians obtained a livelihood by reciting the poems of Homer. The
use I made of this erudition to ward off misery was to exercise my
happy memory by learning all the poets by rote.
I had another expedient, not less solid, in the game of chess, to
which I regularly dedicated, at Maugis's, the evenings on which I
did not go to the theater. I became acquainted with M. de Legal, M.
Husson, Philidor, and all the great chess players of the day,
without making the least improvement in the game. However, I had no
doubt but, in the end, I should become superior to them all, and this,
in my own opinion, was a sufficient resource. The same manner of
reasoning served me in every folly to which I felt myself inclined.
I said to myself: whoever excels in anything is sure to acquire a
distinguished reception in society. Let us therefore excel, no
matter in what, I shall certainly be sought after; opportunities
will present themselves, and my own merit will do the rest. This
childishness was not the sophism of my reason; it was that of my
indolence. Dismayed at the great and rapid efforts which would have
been necessary to call forth my endeavors, I strove to flatter my
idleness, and by arguments suitable to the purpose, veiled from my own
eyes the shame of such a state.
I thus calmly waited for the moment when I was to be without
money; and had not Father Castel, whom I sometimes went to see in my
way to the coffee-house, roused me from my lethargy, I believe I
should have seen myself reduced to my last farthing without the
least emotion. Father Castel was a madman, but a good man upon the
whole; he was sorry to see me thus impoverish myself to no purpose.
"Since musicians and the learned," said he, "do not sing by your
scale, change the string, and apply to the women. You will perhaps
succeed better with them. I have spoken of you to Madam de
Beuzenval; go to her from me; she is a good woman who will be glad
to see the countryman of her son and husband. You will find at her
house Madam de Broglie, her daughter, who is a woman of wit. Madam
Dupin is another to whom I also have mentioned you; carry her your
work; she is desirous of seeing you, and will receive you well.
Nothing is done in Paris without the women. They are the curves, of
which the wise are the asymptotes; they incessantly approach each
other, but never touch."
After having from day to day delayed these very disagreeable
steps, I at length took courage, and called upon Madam de Beuzenval.
She received me with kindness; and Madam de Broglie entering the
chamber, she said to her: "Daughter, this is M. Rousseau, of whom
Father Castel has spoken to us." Madam de Broglie complimented me upon
my work, and going to her harpsichord proved to me she had already
given it some attention. Perceiving it to be about one o'clock, I
prepared to take my leave. Madam de Beuzenval said to me: "You are
at a great distance from the quarter of the town in which you
reside; stay and dine here." I did not want asking a second time. A
quarter of an hour afterwards, I understood, by a word, that the
dinner to which she had invited me was that of her servants' hall.
Madam de Beuzenval was a very good kind of woman, but of a confined
understanding, and too full of her illustrious Polish nobility: she
had no idea of the respect due to talents. On this occasion, likewise,
she judged me by my manner rather than by my dress, which, although
very plain, was very neat, and by no means announced a man to dine
with servants. I had too long forgotten the way to the place where
they eat to be inclined to take it again. Without suffering my anger
to appear, I told Madam de Beuzenval that I had an affair of a
trifling nature which I had just recollected obliged me to return
home, and I immediately prepared to depart. Madam de Broglie
approached her mother, and whispered in her ear a few words which
had their effect. Madam de Beuzenval rose to prevent me from going,
and said "I expect that you will do us the honor to dine with us."
In this case I thought to show pride would be a mark of folly, and I
determined to stay. The goodness of Madam de Broglie had besides
made an impression upon me, and rendered her interesting in my eyes. I
was very glad to dine with her, and hoped, that when she knew me
better, she would not regret having procured me that honor. The
President de Lamoignon, very intimate in the family, dined there also.
He, as well as Madam de Broglie, was a master of all the modish and
fashionable small talk jargon of Paris. Poor Jean-Jacques was unable
to make a figure in this way. I had sense enough not to pretend to it,
and was silent. Happy would it have been for me, had I always
possessed the same wisdom; I should not be in the abyss into which I
am now fallen.
I was vexed at my own stupidity, and at being unable to justify to
Madam de Broglie what she had done in my favor. After dinner I thought
of my ordinary resource. I had in my pocket an espistle in verse,
written to Parisot during my residence at Lyons. This fragment was not
without some fire, which I increased by my manner of reading, and made
them all three shed tears. Whether it was vanity, or really the truth,
I thought the eyes of Madam de Broglie seemed to say to her mother:
"Well, mamma, was I wrong in telling you this man was fitter to dine
with us than with your women?" Until then my heart had been rather
burdened, but after this revenge I felt myself satisfied. Madam de
Broglie, carrying her favorable opinion of me rather too far,
thought I should immediately acquire fame in Paris, and become a
favorite with fine ladies. To guide my inexperience she gave me the
of which you will stand in need in the great world. You will do well
by sometimes consulting it." I kept the book upwards of twenty years
with a sentiment of gratitude to her from whose hand I had received
it, although I frequently laughed at the opinion the lady seemed to
have of my merit in gallantry. From the moment I had read the work,
I was desirous of acquiring the friendship of the author. My
inclination led me right; he is the only real friend I ever
possessed amongst men of letters.*
* I have so long been of the same opinion, and so perfectly
convinced of its being well founded, that since my return to Paris I
confided to him the manuscript of my confessions. The suspicious J. J.
never suspected perfidy and falsehood until he had been their victim.
From this time I thought I might depend on the services of Madam the
Baroness of Beuzenval, and the Marchioness of Broglie, and that they
would not long leave me without resource. In this I was not
deceived. But I must now speak of my first visit to Madam Dupin, which
produced more lasting consequences.
Madam Dupin was, as every one in Paris knows, the daughter of Samuel
Bernard and Madam Fontaine. There were three sisters, who might be
called the three graces. Madam de la Touche who played a little prank,
and went to England with the Duke of Kingston. Madam d'Arty, the
eldest of the three; the friend, the only sincere friend of the Prince
of Conti, an adorable woman, as well by her sweetness and the goodness
of her charming character, as by her agreeable wit and incessant
cheerfulness. Lastly, Madam Dupin, more beautiful than either of her
sisters, and the only one who has not been reproached with some levity
of conduct.
She was the reward of the hospitality of Madam Dupin, to whom her
mother gave her in marriage with the place of farmer-general and an
immense fortune, in return for the good reception he had given her
in his province. When I saw her for the first time, she was still
one of the finest women in Paris. She received me at her toilette, her
arms were uncovered, her hair disheveled, and her combing-cloth
ill-arranged. This scene was new to me; it was too powerful for my
poor head, I became confused, my senses wandered; in short, I was
violently smitten by Madam Dupin.
My confusion was not prejudicial to me; she did not perceive it. She
kindly received the book and the author; spoke with information of
my plan, sung, accompanied herself on the harpsichord, kept me to
dinner, and placed me at table by her side. Less than this would
have turned my brain; I became mad. She permitted me to visit her, and
I abused the permission. I went to see her almost every day, and dined
with her twice or thrice a week. I burned with inclination to speak,
but never dared attempt it. Several circumstances increased my natural
timidity. Permission to visit in an opulent family was a door open
to fortune, and in my situation I was unwilling to run the risk of
shutting it against myself. Madam Dupin, amiable as she was, was
serious and unanimated; I found nothing in her manners sufficiently
alluring to embolden me. Her house, at that time, as brilliant as
any other in Paris, was frequented by societies the less numerous,
as the persons by whom they were composed were chosen on account of
some distinguished merit. She was fond of seeing every one who had
claims to a marked superiority; the great men of letters, and fine
women. No person was seen in her circle but dukes, ambassadors, and
blue ribbons. The Princess of Rohan, the Countess of Forcalquier,
Madam de Mirepoix, Madam de Brignole, and Lady Hervey, passed for
her intimate friends. The Abbe's de Fontenelle, de Saint-Pierre, and
Sallier, M. de Fourmont, M. de Bernis, M. de Buffon, and M. de
Voltaire, were of her circle and her dinners. If her reserved manner
did not attract many young people, her society inspired the greater
awe, as it was composed of graver persons, and the poor Jean-Jacques
had no reason to flatter himself he should be able to take a
distinguished part in the midst of such superior talents. I
therefore had not courage to speak; but no longer able to contain
myself, I took a resolution to write. For the first two days she
said not a word to me upon the subject. On the third day, she returned
me my letter, accompanying it with a few exhortations which froze my
blood. I attempted to speak, but my words expired upon my lips; my
sudden passion was extinguished with my hopes, and after a declaration
in form I continued to live with her upon the same terms as before,
without so much as speaking to her even by the language of the eyes.
I thought my folly was forgotten, but I was deceived. M. de
Francueil, son to M. Dupin, and son-in-law to Madam Dupin, was much
the same with herself and me. He had wit, a good person, and might
have pretensions. This was said to be the case, and probably proceeded
from his mother-in-law's having given him an ugly wife of a mild
disposition, with whom, as well as with her husband, she lived upon
the best of terms. M. de Francueil was fond of talents in others,
and cultivated those he possessed. Music, which he understood very
well, was a means of producing a connection between us. I frequently
saw him, and he soon gained my friendship. He, however, suddenly
gave me to understand that Madam Dupin thought my visits too frequent,
and begged me to discontinue them. Such a compliment would have been
proper when she returned my letter; but eight or ten days
afterwards, and without any new cause, it appeared to me ill-timed.
This rendered my situation the more singular, as M. and Madam de
Francueil still continued to give me the same good reception as
before.
I however made the intervals between my visits longer, and I
should entirely have ceased calling on them, had not Madam Dupin, by
another unexpected caprice, sent to desire I would for a few days take
care of her son, who, changing his preceptor, remained alone during
that interval. I passed eight days in such torments as nothing but the
pleasure of obeying Madam Dupin could render supportable: for poor
Chenonceaux already displayed the evil disposition which nearly
brought dishonor on his family, and caused his death in the Isle de
Bourton. As long as I was with him I prevented him from doing harm
to himself or others, and that was all; besides it was no easy task,
and I would not have undertaken to pass eight other days like them had
Madam Dupin given me herself for the recompense.
M. de Francueil conceived a friendship for me, and I studied with
him. We began together a course of chemistry at Rouelles. That I might
be nearer at hand, I left my Hotel St. Quentin, and went to lodge at
the Tennis Court, Rue Verdelet, which leads into the Rue Platiere,
where M. Dupin lived. There, in consequence of a cold neglected, I
contracted an inflammation of the lungs that had like to have
carried me off. In my younger days I frequently suffered from
inflammatory disorders, pleurisies, and especially quinsies, to
which I was very subject, and which frequently brought me near
enough to death to familiarize me to its image. The evening
preceding the day on which I was taken ill, I went to an opera by
Royer; the name I have forgotten. Notwithstanding my prejudice in
favor of the talents of others, which has ever made me distrustful
of my own, I still thought the music feeble, and devoid of animation
and invention. I sometimes had the vanity to flatter myself: I think I
could do better than that. But the terrible idea I had formed of the
composition of an opera, and the importance I heard men of the
profession affix to such an undertaking, instantly discouraged me, and
made me blush at having so much as thought of it. Besides, where was I
to find a person to write the words, and one who would give himself
the trouble of turning the poetry to my liking? These ideas of music
and the opera had possession of my mind during my illness, and in
the delirium of my fever I composed songs, duets, and choruses. I am
certain I composed two or three little pieces, di prima intenzione,*
perhaps worthy of the admiration of masters, could they have heard
them executed. oh, could an account be taken of the dreams of a man in
a fever, what great and sublime things would sometimes proceed from
his delirium!
* Off-hand.
These subjects of music and opera still engaged my attention
during my convalescence, but my ideas were less energetic. Long and
frequent meditations, and which were often involuntary, and made
such an impression upon my mind that I resolved to attempt both
words and music. This was not the first time I had undertaken so
difficult a task. Whilst I was at Chambery I had composed an opera
entitled Iphis and Anaxarete, which I had the good sense to throw into
the fire. At Lyons I had composed another, entitled La Decouverte du
Nouveau Monde,* which, after having read it to M. Bordes, the Abbe's
Mably, Trublet, and others, had met the same fate, notwithstanding I
had set the prologue and the first act to music, and although David,
after examining the composition, had told me there were passages in it
worthy of Buononcini.
* The Discovery of the New World.
Before I began the work I took time to consider of my plan. In a
heroic ballet I proposed three different subjects, in three acts,
detached from each other, set to music of a different character,
taking for each subject the amours of a poet. I entitled this opera
Les Muses Galantes. My first act, in music strongly characterized, was
Tasso; the second in tender harmony, Ovid; and the third, entitled
Anacreon, was to partake of the gayety of the dithyrambus. I tried
my skill on the first act, and applied to it with an ardor which,
for the first time, made me feel the delightful sensation produced
by the creative power of composition. One evening, as I entered the
opera, feeling myself strongly incited and overpowered by my ideas,
I put my money again into my pocket, returned to my apartment,
locked the door, and, having close drawn all the curtains, that
every ray of light might be excluded, I went to bed, abandoning myself
entirely to this musical and poetical aestrum, and in seven or eight
hours rapidly composed the greatest part of an act. I can truly say my
love for the Princess of Ferrara (for I was Tasso for the moment)
and my noble and lofty sentiment with respect to her unjust brother,
procured me a night a hundred times more delicious than one passed
in the arms of the princess would have been. In the morning but a very
little of what I had done remained in my head, but this little, almost
effaced by sleep and lassitude, still sufficiently evinced the
energy of the pieces of which it was the scattered remains.
I this time did not proceed far with my undertaking, being
interrupted by other affairs. Whilst I attached myself to the family
of Dupin, Madam de Beuzenval and Madam de Broglie, whom I continued to
visit, had not forgotten me. The Count de Montaigu, captain in the
guards, had just been appointed ambassador to Venice. He was an
ambassador made by Barjac, to whom he assiduously paid his court.
His brother, the Chevalier de Montaigu, gentilhomme de la manche to
the dauphin, was acquainted with these ladies, and with the Abbe Alary
of the French academy, whom I sometimes visited. Madam de Broglie,
having heard the ambassador was seeking a secretary, proposed me to
him. A conference was opened between us. I asked a salary of fifty
guineas, a trifle for an employment which required me to make some
appearance. The ambassador was unwilling to give more than a
thousand livres, leaving me to make the journey at my own expense. The
proposal was ridiculous. We could not agree, and M. de Francueil,
who used all his efforts to prevent my departure, prevailed.
I stayed, and M. de Montaigu set out on his journey, taking with him
another secretary, one M. Follau, who had been recommended to him by
the office for foreign affairs. They no sooner arrived at Venice
than they quarreled. Follau perceiving he had to do with a madman,
left him there, and M. de Montaigu having nobody with him, except a
young abbe of the name of Binis, who wrote under the secretary, and
was unfit to succeed him, had recourse to me. The chevalier, his
brother, a man of wit, by giving me to understand there were
advantages annexed to the place of secretary, prevailed upon me to
accept the thousand livres. I was paid twenty louis in advance for
my journey, and immediately departed.
At Lyons I would most willing have taken the route by Mount Cenis,
to see my poor mamma. But I went down the Rhone, and embarked at
Toulon, as well on account of the war, and from a motive of economy,
as to obtain a passport from M. de Mirepoix, who then commanded in
Provence, and to whom I was recommended. M. de Montaigu not being able
to do without me, wrote letter after letter, desiring I would hasten
my journey; this, however, an accident considerably prolonged.
It was at the time of the plague at Messina, and the English fleet
had anchored there, and visited the felucca, on board of which I
was, and this circumstance subjected us, on our arrival at Genoa,
after a long and difficult voyage, to a quarantine of one-and-twenty
days.
The passengers had the choice of performing it on board or in the
Lazaretto, which we were told was not yet furnished. They all chose
the felucca. The insupportable heat, the closeness of the vessel,
the impossibility of walking in it, and the vermin with which it
swarmed, made me at all risks prefer the Lazaretto. I was therefore
conducted to a large building of two stories, quite empty, in which
I found neither window, bed, table, nor chair, not so much as even a
joint-stool or bundle of straw. My night sack and my two trunks
being brought me, I was shut in by great doors with huge locks, and
remained at full liberty to walk at my ease from chamber to chamber
and story to story, everywhere finding the same solitude and
nakedness.
This, however, did not induce me to repent that I had preferred
the Lazaretto to the felucca; and, like another Robinson Crusoe, I
began to arrange myself for my one-and-twenty days, just as I should
have done for my whole life. In the first place, I had the amusement
of destroying the vermin I had caught in the felucca. As soon as I had
got clear of these, by means of changing my clothes and linen, I
proceeded to furnish the chamber I had chosen. I made a good
mattress with my waistcoats and shirts; my napkins I converted, by
sewing them together, into sheets; my robe de chamber into a
counterpane; and my cloak into a pillow. I made myself a seat with one
of my trunks laid flat, and a table with the other. I took out some
writing paper and an inkstand, and distributed, in the manner of a
library, a dozen books which I had with me. In a word, I so well
arranged my few movables, that, except curtains and windows, I was
almost as commodiously lodged in this Lazaretto, absolutely empty as
it was, as I had been at the Tennis Court in the Rue Verdelet. My
dinners were served with no small degree of pomp; they were escorted
by two grenadiers with bayonets fixed; the staircase was my
dining-room, the landing-place my table, and the step served me for
a seat; and as soon as my dinner was served up a little bell was
rung to inform me I might sit down to table.
Between my repasts, when I did not either read or write or work at
the furnishing of my apartment, I went to walk in the burying-ground
of the Protestants, which served me as a courtyard. From this place
I ascended to a lanthorn which looked into the harbor, and from
which I could see the ships come in and go out. In this manner I
passed fourteen days, and should have thus passed the whole time of
the quarantine without the least weariness had not M. Jonville,
envoy from France, to whom I found means to send a letter,
vinegared, perfumed and half burnt, procured eight days of the time to
be taken off: these I went and spent at his house, where I confess I
found myself better lodged than in the Lazaretto. He was extremely
civil to me. Dupont, his secretary, was, good creature: he
introduced me, as well at Genoa as in the country, to several
families, the company of which I found very entertaining and
agreeable; and I formed with him an. acquaintance and a correspondence
which we kept up for a considerable length of time. I continued my
journey, very agreeably, through Lombardy. I saw Milan, Verona,
Brescia, and Padua, and at length arrived at Venice, where I was
impatiently expected by the ambassador.
I found there piles of despatches, from the court and from other
ambassadors, the ciphered part of which he had not been able to
read, although he had all the ciphers necessary for that purpose,
never having been employed in any office, nor even seen the cipher
of a minister. I was at first apprehensive of meeting with some
embarrassment; but I found nothing could be more easy, and in less
than a week I had deciphered the whole, which certainly was not
worth the trouble; for not to mention the little activity required
in the embassy of Venice, it was not to such a man as M. de Montaigu
that government would confide a negotiation of even the most
trifling importance. Until my arrival he had been much embarrassed,
neither knowing how to dictate nor to write legibly. I was very useful
to him, of which he was sensible; and he treated me well. To this he
was also induced by another motive. Since the time of M. de Froulay,
his predecessor, whose head became deranged, the consul from France,
M. le Blond, had been charged with the affairs of the embassy, and
after the arrival of M. de Montaigu continued to manage them until
he had put him into the track. M. de Montaigu, hurt at this
discharge of his duty by another, although he himself was incapable of
it, became disgusted with the consul, and as soon as I arrived
deprived him of the functions of secretary to the embassy to give them
to me. They were inseparable from the title, and he told me to take
it. As long as I remained with him he never sent any person except
myself under this title to the senate, or to conference, and upon
the whole it was natural enough he should prefer having for
secretary to the embassy a man attached to him, to a consul or a clerk
of office named by the court.
This rendered my situation very agreeable, and prevented his
gentlemen, who were Italians, as well as his pages, and most of his
suite from disputing precedence with me in his house. I made an
advantageous use of the authority annexed to the title he had
conferred upon me, by maintaining his right of protection, that is,
the freedom of his neighborhood, against the attempts several times
made to infringe it; a privilege which his Venetian officers took no
care to defend. But I never permitted banditti to take refuge there,
although this would have produced me advantages of which his
excellency would not have disdained to partake. He thought proper,
however, to claim a part of those of the secretaryship, which is
called the chancery. It was in time of war, and there were many
passports issued. For each of these passports a sequin was paid to the
secretary who made it out and countersigned it. All my predecessors
had been paid this sequin by Frenchmen and others without distinction.
I thought this unjust, and although I was not a Frenchman, I abolished
it in favor of the French; but I so rigorously demanded my right
from persons of every other nation, that the Marquis de Scotti,
brother to the favorite of the Queen of Spain, having asked for a
passport without taking notice of the sequin, I sent to demand it; a
boldness which the vindictive Italian did not forget. As soon as the
new regulation I had made, relative to passports, was known, none
but pretended Frenchmen, who in a gibberish the most mispronounced,
called themselves Provencals, Picards, or Burgundians, came to
demand them. My ear being very fine, I was not thus made a dupe, and I
am almost persuaded that not a single Italian ever cheated me of my
sequin, and that not one Frenchmen ever paid it. I was foolish
enough to tell M. de Montaigu, who was ignorant of everything that
passed, what I had done. The word sequin made him open his ears, and
without giving me his opinion of the abolition of that tax upon the
French, he pretended I ought to account with him for the others,
promising me at the same time equivalent advantages. More filled
with indignation at this meanness, than concerned for my own interest,
I rejected his proposal. He insisted, and I grew warm. "No, sir," said
I, with some heat, "your excellency may keep what belongs to you,
but do not take from me that which is mine; I will not suffer you to
touch a penny of the perquisites arising from passports." Perceiving
he could gain nothing by these means he had recourse to others, and
blushed not to tell me that since I had appropriated to myself the
profits of the chancery, it was but just I should pay the expenses.
I was unwilling to dispute upon this subject, and from that time I
furnished at my own expense, ink, paper, wax, wax-candle, tape, and
even a new seal, for which he never reimbursed me to the amount of a
farthing. This, however, did not prevent my giving a small part of the
produce of the passports to the Abbe de Binis, a good creature, and
who was far from pretending to have the least right to any such right.
If he was obliging to me my politeness to him was an equivalent, and
we always lived together on the best of terms.
On the first trial I made of his talents in my official functions, I
found him less troublesome than I expected he would have been,
considering he was a man without experience, in the service of an
ambassador who possessed no more than himself, and whose ignorance and
obstinacy constantly counteracted everything with which common-sense
and some information inspired me for his service and that of the king.
The next thing the ambassador did was to connect himself with the
Marquis Mari, ambassador from Spain, an ingenious and artful man, who,
had he wished so to do, might have led him by the nose, yet on account
of the union of the interests of the two crowns he generally gave
him good advice, which might have been of essential service, had not
the other, by joining his own opinion, counteracted it in the
execution. The only business they had to conduct in concert with
each other was to engage the Venetians to maintain their neutrality.
These did not neglect to give the strongest assurances of their
fidelity to their engagement at the same time that they publicly
furnished ammunition to the Austrian troops, and even recruits under
pretense of desertion. M. de Montaigu, who I believed wished to render
himself agreeable to the republic, failed not on his part,
notwithstanding my representations, to make me assure the government
in all my despatches, that the Venetians would never violate an
article of the neutrality. The obstinacy and stupidity of this poor
wretch made me write and act extravagantly: I was obliged to be the
agent of his folly, because he would have it so, but he sometimes
rendered my employment insupportable and the functions of it almost
impracticable. For example, he insisted on the greatest part of his
despatches to the king, and of those to the minister, being written in
cipher, although neither of them contained anything that required that
precaution. I represented to him that between the Friday, the day
the despatches from the court arrived, and Saturday, on which ours
were sent off, there was not sufficient time to write so much in
cipher, and carry on the considerable correspondence with which I
was charged for the same courier. He found an admirable expedient,
which was to prepare on Thursday the answer to the despatches we
were expected to receive on the next day. This appeared to him so
happily imagined, that notwithstanding all I could say on the
impossibility of the thing, and the absurdity of attempting its
execution, I was obliged to comply during the whole time I
afterwards remained with him, after having made notes of the few loose
words he spoke to me in the course of the week, and of some trivial
circumstances which I collected by hurrying from place to place.
Provided with these materials I never once failed carrying to him on
the Thursday morning a rough draft of the despatches which were to
be sent off on Saturday, excepting the few additions and corrections I
hastily made in answer to the letters which arrived on the Friday, and
to which ours served for answer. He had another custom, diverting
enough, and which made his correspondence ridiculous beyond
imagination. He sent back all information to its respective source,
instead of making it follow its course. To M. Amelot he transmitted
the news of the court; to M. Maurepas, that of Paris; to M.
d'Havrincourt, the news from Sweden; to M. de Chetardie, that from
Petersbourg; and sometimes to each of those the news they had
respectively sent to him, and which I was employed to dress up in
terms different from those in which it was conveyed to us. As he
read nothing of what I laid before him, except the despatches for
the court, and signed those to other ambassadors without reading them,
this left me more at liberty to give what turn I thought proper to the
latter, and in these, therefore, I made the articles of information
cross each other. But it was impossible for me to do the same by
despatches of importance; and I thought myself happy when M. de
Montaigu did not take it into his head to cram into them an
impromptu of a few lines after his manner. This obliged me to
return, and hastily transcribe the whole despatch decorated with his
new nonsense, and honor it with the cipher, without which he would
have refused his signature. I was frequently almost tempted, for the
sake of his reputation, to cipher something different from what he had
written, but feeling that nothing could authorize such a deception,
I left him to answer for his own folly, satisfying myself with
having spoken to him with freedom, and discharged at my own peril
the duties of my station. This is what I always did with an
uprightness, a zeal and courage, which merited on his part a very
different recompense from that which in the end I received from him.
It was time I should once be what Heaven, which had endowed me with
a happy disposition, what the education that had been given me by
the best of women, and that I had given myself, had prepared me for,
and I became so. Left to my own reflections, without a friend or
advice, without experience, and in a foreign country, in the service
of a foreign nation, surrounded by a crowd of knaves, who, for their
own interest, and to avoid the scandal of good example, endeavored
to prevail upon me to imitate them; far from yielding to their
solicitations, I served France well, to which I owed nothing, and
the ambassador still better, as it was right and just I should do to
the utmost of my power. Irreproachable in a post, sufficiently exposed
to censure, I merited and obtained the esteem of the republic, that of
all the ambassadors with whom we were in correspondence, and the
affection of the French who resided at Venice, not even excepting
the consul, whom with regret I supplanted in the functions which I
knew belonged to him, and which occasioned me more embarrassment
than they afforded me satisfaction.
M. de Montaigu, confiding without reserve to the Marquis Mari, who
did not thoroughly understand his duty, neglected it to such a
degree that without me the French who were at Venice would not have
perceived that an ambassador from their nation resided there. Always
put off without being heard when they stood in need of his protection,
they became disgusted and no longer appeared in his company or at
his table, to which indeed he never invited them. I frequently did
from myself what it was his duty to have done; I rendered to the
French, who applied to me, all the services in my power. In any
other country I should have done more, but, on account of my
employment, not being able to see persons in place, I was often
obliged to apply to the consul, and the consul, who was settled in the
country with his family, had many persons to oblige, which prevented
him from acting as he otherwise would have done. However, perceiving
him unwilling and afraid to speak, I ventured hazardous measures,
which sometimes succeeded. I recollect one which still makes me laugh.
No person would suspect it was to me the lovers of the theater at
Paris owe Coralline and her sister Camille; nothing, however, can be
more true. Veronese, their father, had engaged himself with his
children in the Italian company, and after having received two
thousand livres for the expenses of his journey, instead of setting
out for France, quietly continued at Venice, and accepted an
engagement in the theater of Saint Luke,* to which Coralline, a
child as she still was, drew great numbers of people. The Duke de
Gesvres, as first gentleman of the chamber, wrote to the ambassador to
claim the father and the daughter. M. de Montaigu when he gave me
the letter, confined his instructions to saying, voyez cela, without
giving me further details. I went to M. Blond to beg he would speak to
the patrician, to whom the theater belonged, and who, I believe, was
named Zustinian, that he might discharge Veronese, who had engaged
in the name of the king. Le Blond, to whom the commission was not very
agreeable, executed it badly.
* I doubt if it was St. Samuel; proper names absolutely escape my
memory.
Zustinian answered vaguely, and Veronese was not discharged. I was
piqued at this. It was during the carnival, and having taken the
bahute and a mask, I set out for the palace Zustinian. Those who saw
my gondola arrive with the livery of the ambassador, were lost in
astonishment. Venice had never seen such a thing. I entered, and
announced myself as Una Siora Maschera (a lady in a mask). As soon
as I was introduced I took off my mask and told my name. The senator
turned pale and appeared stupefied with surprise. "Sir," said I to him
in Venetian, "it is with much regret I importune your excellency
with this visit; but you have in your theater of Saint Luke, a man
of the name of Veronese, who is engaged in the service of the king,
and whom you have been requested, but in vain, to give up: I come to
claim him in the name of his majesty." My short harangue was
effectual. I had no sooner left the palace than Zustinian ran to
communicate the adventure to the state inquisitors, by whom he was
severely reprehended. Veronese was discharged the same day. I sent him
word that if he did not set off within a week I would have him
arrested. He did not wait for my giving him this intimation a second
time.
On another occasion I relieved from difficulty solely by my own
means, and almost without the assistance of any other person, the
captain of a merchant-ship. This was one Captain Olivet, from
Marseilles; the name of the vessel I have forgotten. His men had
quarreled with the Sclavonians in the service of the republic, some
violence had been committed, and the vessel was under so severe an
embargo that nobody except the master was suffered to go on board or
leave it without permission. He applied to the ambassador, who would
hear nothing he had to say. He afterwards went to the consul, who told
him it was not an affair of commerce, and that he could not
interfere in it. Not knowing what further steps to take he applied
to me. I told M. de Montaigu he ought to permit me to lay before the
senate a memoir on the subject. I do not recollect whether or not he
consented, or that I presented the memoir; but I perfectly remember
that if I did it was ineffectual, and the embargo still continuing,
I took another method, which succeeded. I inserted a relation of the
affairs in one of our letters to M. de Maurepas, though I had
difficulty in prevailing upon M. de Montaigu to suffer the article
to pass.
I knew that our despatches, although their contents were
insignificant, were opened at Venice. Of this I had a proof by finding
the articles they contained verbatim in the gazette, a treachery of
which I had in vain attempted to prevail upon the ambassador to
complain. My object in speaking of the affair in the letter was to
turn the curiosity of the ministers of the republic to advantage, to
inspire them with some apprehensions, and to induce the state to
release the vessel: for had it been necessary to this effect to wait
for an answer from the court, the captain would have been ruined
before it could have arrived. I did still more, I went alongside the
vessel to make inquiries of the ship's company. I took with me the
Abbe Patizel, chancellor of the consulship, who would rather have been
excused, so much were these poor creatures afraid of displeasing the
senate. As I could not go on board, on account of the order from the
states, I remained in my gondola, and there took the depositions
successively, interrogating each of the mariners, and directing my
questions in such a manner as to produce answers which might be to
their advantage. I wished to prevail upon Patizel to put the questions
and take depositions himself, which in fact was more his business than
mine; but to this he would not consent; he never once opened his mouth
and refused to sign the depositions after me. This step, somewhat
bold, was, however, successful, and the vessel was released long
before an answer came from the minister. The captain wished to make me
a present; but without being angry with him on that account, I
tapped him on the shoulder, saying, "Captain Olivet, can you imagine
that he who does not receive from the French his perquisite for
passports, which he found his established right, is a man likely to
sell them the king's protection?" He, however, insisted on giving me a
dinner on board his vessel, which I accepted, and took with me the
secretary to the Spanish embassy, M. Carrio, a man of wit and
amiable manners, to partake of it: he has since been secretary to
the Spanish embassy at Paris and charge des affaires. I had formed
an intimate connection with him after the example of our ambassadors.
Happy should I have been, if, when in the most disinterested
manner I did all the service I could, I had known how to introduce
sufficient order into all these little details, that I might not
have served others at my own expense. But in employments similar to
that I held, in which the most trifling faults are of consequence,
my whole attention was engaged in avoiding all such mistakes as
might be detrimental to my service. I conducted, till the last moment,
everything relative to my immediate duty, with the greatest order
and exactness. Excepting a few errors which a forced precipitation
made me commit in ciphering, and of which the clerks of M. Amelot once
complained, neither the ambassador nor any other person had ever the
least reason to reproach me with negligence in any one of my
functions. This is remarkable in a man so negligent as I am. But my
memory sometimes failed me, and I was not sufficiently careful in
the private affairs with which I was charged; however, a love of
justice always made me take the loss on myself, and this
voluntarily, before anybody thought of complaining. I will mention but
one circumstance of this nature; it relates to my departure from
Venice, and I afterwards felt the effects of it in Paris.
Our cook, whose name was Rousselot, had brought from France an old
note for two hundred livres, which a hair-dresser, a friend of his,
had received from a noble Venetian of the name of Zanetto Nani, who
had had wigs of him to that amount. Rousselot brought me the note,
begging I would endeavor to obtain payment of some part of it, by
way of accommodation. I knew, and he knew it also, that the constant
custom of noble Venetians was, when once returned to their country,
never to pay the debts they had contracted abroad. When means are
taken to force them to payment, the wretched creditor finds so many
delays, and incurs such enormous expenses, that he becomes disgusted
and concludes by giving up his debt or accepting the most trifling
composition. I begged M. le Blond to speak to Zanetto. The Venetion
acknowledged the note, but did not agree to payment. After a long
dispute he at length promised three sequins; but when Le Blond carried
him the note even these were not ready, and it was necessary to
wait. In this interval happened my quarrel with the ambassador and I
quitted his service. I had left the papers of the embassy in the
greatest order, but the note of Rousselot was not to be found. M. le
Blond assured me he had given me it back. I knew him to be too
honest a man to have the least doubt of the matter; but it was
impossible for me to recollect what I had done with it. As Zanetto had
acknowledged the debt, I desired M. le Blond to endeavor to obtain
from him the three sequins on giving him a receipt for the amount,
or to prevail upon him to renew the note by way of duplicate. Zanetto,
knowing the note to be lost, would not agree to either. I offered
Rousselot the three sequins from my own purse, as a discharge of the
debt. He refused them, and said I might settle the matter with the
creditor at Paris, of whom he gave me the address. The hair-dresser,
having been informed of what had passed, would either have his note or
the whole sum for which it was given. What, in my indignation, would I
have given to have found this vexatious paper! I paid the two
hundred livres, and that in my greatest distress. In this manner the
loss of the note produced to the creditor the payment of the whole
sum, whereas had it, unfortunately for him, been found, he would
have had some difficulty in recovering even the ten crowns, which
his excellency, Zanetto Nani, had promised to pay.
The talents I thought I felt in myself for my employment made me
discharge the functions of it with satisfaction, and except the
society of my friend de Carrio, that of the virtuous Altuna, of whom I
shall soon have an occasion to speak, the innocent recreations of
the place Saint Mark, of the theater, and of a few visits which we,
for the most part, made together, my only pleasure was in the duties
of my station. Although these were not considerable, especially with
the aid of the Abbe de Binis, yet as the correspondence was very
extensive and there was a war, I was a good deal employed. I applied
to business the greatest part of every morning, and on the days
previous to the departure of the courier, in the evenings, and
sometimes till midnight. The rest of my time I gave to the study of
the political professions I had entered upon, and in which I hoped,
from my successful beginning, to be advantageously employed. In fact I
was in favor with every one; the ambassador himself spoke highly of my
services, and never complained of anything I did for him; his
dissatisfaction proceeded from my having insisted on quitting him,
in consequence of the useless complaints I had frequently made on
several occasions. The ambassadors and ministers of the king with whom
we were in correspondence complimented him on the merit of his
secretary, in a manner by which he ought to have been flattered, but
which in his poor head produced quite a contrary effect. He received
one in particular relative to an affair of importance, for which he
never pardoned me.
He was so incapable of bearing the least constraint, that on the
Saturday, the day of the despatches for most of the courts, he could
not contain himself, and wait till the business was done before he
went out, and incessantly pressing me to hasten the despatches to
the king and ministers, he signed them with precipitation, and
immediately went I know not where, leaving most of the other letters
without signing; this obliged me, when these contained nothing but
news, to convert them into journals; but when affairs which related to
the king were in question it was necessary somebody should sign, and I
did it. This once happened relative to some important advice we had
just received from M. Vincent, charge des affaires from the king, at
Vienna. The Prince Lobkowitz was then marching to Naples, and Count
Gages had just made the most memorable retreat, the finest military
maneuver of the whole century, of which Europe has not sufficiently
spoken. The despatch informed us that a man, whose person M. Vincent
described, had set out from Vienna, and was to pass by Venice, on
his way into Abruzzo, where he was secretly to stir up the people at
the approach of the Austrians.
In the absence of M. le Comte de Montaigu, who did not give
himself the least concern about anything, I forwarded this advice to
the Marquis de l'Hopital, so apropos, that it is perhaps to the poor
Jean-Jacques, so abused and laughed at, that the house of Bourbon owes
the preservation of the kingdom of Naples.
The Marquis de l'Hopital, when he thanked his colleague, as it was
proper he should do, spoke to him of his secretary, and mentioned
the service he had just rendered to the common cause. The Comte de
Montaigu, who in that affair had to reproach himself with
negligence, thought he perceived in the compliment paid him by M. de
l'Hopital, something like a reproach, and spoke of it to me with signs
of ill-humor. I found it necessary to act in the same manner with
the Count de Castellane, ambassador at Constantinople, as I had done
with the Marquis de l'Hopital although in things of less importance.
As there was no other conveyance to Constantinople than by couriers,
sent from time to time by the senate to its Bailli, advice of their
departure was given to the ambassador of France, that he might write
by them to his colleague, if he thought proper so to do. This advice
was commonly sent a day or two beforehand; but M. de Montaigu was held
in so little respect, that merely for the sake of form he was sent
to a couple of hours before the couriers set off. This frequently
obliged me to write the dispatch in his absence. M. de Castellane in
his answer made honorable mention of me; M. de Jonville, at Genoa, did
the same, and these instances of their regard and esteem became new
grievances.
I acknowledge I did not neglect any opportunity of making myself
known; but I never sought one improperly, and in serving well I
thought I had a right to aspire to the natural return for essential
services; the esteem of those capable of judging of, and rewarding
them. I will not say whether or not my exactness in discharging the
duties of my employment was a just subject of complaint from the
ambassador; but I cannot refrain from declaring that it was the sole
grievance he ever mentioned previous to our separation.
His house, which he had never put on a good footing, was
constantly filled with rabble; the French were ill-treated in it,
and the ascendancy was given to the Italians; of these even, the
more honest part, they who had long been in the service of the
embassy, were indecently discharged, his first gentleman in
particular, whom he had taken from the Comte de Froulay, and who, if I
remember right, was called Comte de Peati, or something very like that
name. The second gentleman, chosen by M. de Montaigu, was an
outlawed highwayman from Mantua, called Dominic Vitali, to whom the
ambassador intrusted the care of his house, and who had by means of
flattery and sordid economy, obtained his confidence, and became his
favorite to the great prejudice of the few honest people he still
had about him, and of the secretary who was at their head. The
countenance of an upright man always gives inquietude to knaves.
Nothing more was necessary to make Vitali conceive a hatred against
me: but for this sentiment there was still another cause which
rendered it more cruel. Of this I must give an account, that I may
be condemned if I am found in the wrong.
The ambassador had, according to custom, a box at each of the
theaters. Every day at dinner he named the theater to which it was his
intention to go: I chose after him, and the gentlemen disposed of
the other boxes. When I went out I took the key of the box I had
chosen. One day, Vitali not being in the way, I ordered the footman
who attended on me, to bring me the key to a house which I named to
him. Vitali, instead of sending the key, said he had disposed of it. I
was the more enraged at this as the footman delivered his message in
public. In the evening Vitali wished to make me some apology, to which
however I would not listen. "To-morrow," said I to him, "you will come
at such an hour and apologize to me in the house where I received
the affront, and in the presence of the persons who were witnesses
to it; or after to-morrow, whatever may be the consequence, either you
or I will leave the house." This firmness intimidated him. He came
to the house at the hour appointed, and made me a public apology, with
a meanness worthy of himself. But he afterwards took his measures at
leisure, and, at the same time that he cringed to me in public, he
secretly acted in so vile a manner, that, although unable to prevail
on the ambassador to give me my dismission, he laid me under the
necessity of resolving to leave him.
A wretch like him, certainly, could not know me, but he knew
enough of my character to make it serviceable to his purposes. He knew
I was mild to an excess, and patient in bearing involuntary wrongs;
but haughty and impatient when insulted with premeditated offenses;
loving decency and dignity in things in which these were requisite,
and not more exact in requiring the respect due to myself than
attentive in rendering that which I owed to others. In this he
undertook to disgust me, and in this he succeeded. He turned the house
upside down, and destroyed the order and subordination I had
endeavored to establish in it. A house without a woman stands in
need of rather a severe discipline to preserve that modesty which is
inseparable from dignity. He soon converted ours into a place of
filthy debauch and scandalous licentiousness, the haunt of knaves
and debauchees. He procured for second gentlemen to his excellency, in
the place of him whom he got discharged, another pimp like himself,
who kept a house of ill-fame, at the Cross of Malta; and the indecency
of these two rascals was equaled by nothing but their insolence.
Except the bed-chamber of the ambassador, which, however, was not in
very good order, there was not a corner in the whole house supportable
to a modest man.
As his excellency did not sup, the gentleman and myself had a
private table, at which the Abbe de Binis and the pages also eat. In
the most paltry alehouse people are served with more cleanliness and
decency, have cleaner linen, and a table better supplied. We had but
one little and very filthy candle, pewter plates, and iron forks.
I could have overlooked what passed in secret, but I was deprived of
my gondola. I was the only secretary to an ambassador, who was obliged
to hire one or go on foot, and the livery of his excellency no
longer accompanied me, except when I went to the senate. Besides,
everything which passed in the house was known in the city. All
those who were in the service of the other ambassadors loudly
exclaimed; Dominic, the only cause of all, exclaimed louder than
anybody, well knowing the indecency with which we were treated was
more affecting to me than to any other person. Though I was the only
one in the house who said nothing of the matter abroad, I complained
loudly of it to the ambassador, as well as of himself, who, secretly
excited by the wretch, entirely devoted to his will, daily made me
suffer some new affront. Obliged to expend a good deal to keep up a
footing with those in the same situation with myself, and to make an
appearance proper to my employment, I could not touch a farthing of my
salary, and when I asked him for money, he spoke of his esteem for me,
and his confidence, as if either of these could have filled my
purse, and provided for everything.
These two banditti at length quite turned the head of their
master, who naturally had not a good one, and ruined him by a
continual traffic, and by bargains, of which he was the dupe, whilst
they persuaded him they were greatly in his favor. They persuaded
him to take, upon the Brenta, a Palazzo at twice the rent it was
worth, and divided the surplus with the proprietor. The apartments
were inlaid with mosaic, and ornamented with columns and pilasters, in
the taste of the country. M. de Montaigu, had all these superbly
masked by fir wainscoting, for no other reason than because at Paris
apartments were thus fitted up. It was for a similar reason that he
only, of all the ambassadors who were at Venice, took from his pages
their swords, and from his footmen their canes. Such was the man, who,
perhaps from the same motive, took a dislike to me on account of my
serving him faithfully.
I patiently endured his disdain, his brutality, and ill-treatment,
as long as, perceiving them accompanied by ill-humor, I thought they
had in them no portion of hatred; but the moment I saw the design
formed of depriving me of the honor I merited by my faithful services,
I resolved to resign my employment. The first mark I received of his
ill will was relative to a dinner he was to give to the Duke of Modena
and his family, who were at Venice, and at which he signified to me
I should not be present. I answered, piqued, but not angry, that
having the honor daily to dine at his table, if the Duke of Modena,
when he came, required I should not appear at it, my duty as well as
the dignity of his excellency would not suffer me to consent to such a
request. "How," said he, passionately, "my secretary, who is not a
gentleman, pretends to dine with a sovereign when my gentlemen do
not!" "Yes, sir," replied I, "the post with which your excellency
has honored me, as long as I discharge the functions of it, so far
ennobles me that my rank is superior to that of your gentlemen or of
the persons calling themselves such; and I am admitted where they
cannot appear. You cannot but know that on the day on which you
shall make your public entry, I am called to the ceremony by
etiquette; and by an immemorial custom, to follow you in a dress of
ceremony, and afterwards to dine with you at the palace of Saint Mark;
and I know not why a man who has a right and is to eat in public
with the doge and the senate of Venice should not eat in private
with the Duke of Modena." Though this argument was unanswerable, it
did not convince the ambassador; but we had no occasion to renew the
dispute, as the Duke of Modena did not come to dine with him.
From that moment he did everything in his power to make things
disagreeable to me; and endeavored unjustly to deprive me of my right,
by taking from me the pecuniary advantages annexed to my employment,
to give them to his dear Vitali; and I am convinced that had he
dared to send him to the senate, in my place, he would have done it.
He commonly employed the Abbe Binis in his closet, to write his
private letters: he made use of him to write to M. de Maurepas an
account of the affair of Captain Olivet, in which, far from taking the
least notice of me, the only person who gave himself any concern about
the matter, he deprived me of the honor of the depositions, of which
he sent him a duplicate, for the purpose of attributing them to
Patizel, who had not opened his mouth. He wished to mortify me, and
please his favorite; but had no desire to dismiss me his service. He
perceived it would be more difficult to find me a successor, than M.
Follau, who had already made him known to the world. An Italian
secretary was absolutely necessary to him, on account of the answers
from the senate; one who could write all his despatches, and conduct
his affairs, without his giving himself the least trouble about
anything; a person who, to the merit of serving him well, could join
the baseness of being the toad-eater of his gentlemen, without
honor, merit, or principles. He wished to retain, and humble me, by
keeping me far from my country, and his own, without money to return
to either, and in which he would, perhaps, have succeeded, had he
begun with more moderation: but Vitali, who had other views, and
wished to force me to extremities, carried his point. The moment I
perceived, I lost all my trouble, that the ambassador imputed to me my
services as so many crimes, instead of being satisfied with them; that
with him I had nothing to expect, but things disagreeable at home, and
injustice abroad; and that, in the general disesteem into which he was
fallen, his ill offices might be prejudicial to me, without the
possibility of my being served by his good ones; I took my resolution,
and asked him for my dismission, leaving him sufficient time to
provide himself with another secretary. Without answering yes or no,
he continued to treat me in the same manner, as if nothing had been
said. Perceiving things to remain in the same state, and that he
took no measures to procure himself a new secretary, I wrote to his
brother, and, explaining to him my motives, begged he would obtain
my dismission from his excellency, adding that whether I received it
or not, I could not possibly remain with him. I waited a long time
without any answer, and began to be embarrassed: but at length the
ambassador received a letter from his brother, which must have
remonstrated with him in very plain terms; for although he was
extremely subject to ferocious rage, I never saw him so violent as
on this occasion. After torrents of unsufferable reproaches, not
knowing what more to say, he accused me of having sold his ciphers.
I burst into a loud laughter, and asking him, in a sneering manner, if
he thought there was in Venice a man who would be fool enough to
give half a crown for them all. He threatened to call his servants
to throw me out of the window. Until then I had been very composed;
but on this threat, anger and indignation seized me in my turn. I
sprang to the door, and after having turned a button which fastened it
within: "No, count," said I, returning to him with a grave step, "your
servants shall have nothing to do with this affair; please to let it
be settled between ourselves." My action and manner instantly made him
calm; fear and surprise were marked in his countenance. The moment I
saw his fury abated, I bid him adieu in a very few words, and
without waiting for his answer, went to the door, opened it, and
passed slowly across the antechamber, through the midst of his people,
who rose according to custom, and who, I am of opinion, would rather
have lent their assistance against him than me. Without going back
to my apartment, I descended the stairs, and immediately went out of
the palace never more to enter it.
I hastened immediately to M. le Blond and related to him what had
happened. Knowing the man, he was but little surprised. He kept me
to dinner. This dinner, although without preparation, was splendid.
All the French of consequence, who were at Venice, partook of it.
The ambassador had not a single person. The consul related my case
to the company. The cry was general, and by no means in favor of his
excellency. He had not settled my account, nor paid me a farthing, and
being reduced to the few louis I had in my pocket, I was extremely
embarrassed about my return to France. Every purse was opened to me. I
took twenty sequins from that of M. le Blond, and as many from that of
M. St. Cyr, with whom, next to M. le Blond, I was the most
intimately connected. I returned thanks to the rest; and, till my
departure, went to lodge at the house of the chancellor of the
consulship, to prove to the public, the nation was not an accomplice
in the injustice of the ambassador.
His excellency, furious at seeing me taken notice of in my
misfortune, at the same time that, notwithstanding his being an
ambassador, nobody went near his house, quite lost his senses and
behaved like a madman. He forgot himself so far as to present a memoir
to the senate to get me arrested. On being informed of this by the
Abbe de Binis, I resolved to remain a fortnight longer, instead of
setting off the next day as I had intended. My conduct had been
known and approved of by everybody; I was universally esteemed. The
senate did not deign to return an answer to the extravagant memoir
of the ambassador, but sent me word I might remain in Venice as long
as I thought proper, without making myself uneasy about the attempts
of a madman. I continued to see my friends: I went to take leave of
the ambassador from Spain, who received me well, and of the Comte de
Finochietti, minister from Naples, whom I did not find at home. I
wrote him a letter and received from his excellency the most polite
and obliging answer. At length I took my departure, leaving behind me,
notwithstanding my embarrassment, no other debts than the two sums I
had borrowed, and of which I have just spoken; and an account of fifty
crowns with a shopkeeper, of the name of Morandi, which Carrio
promised to pay, and which I have never reimbursed him, although we
have frequently met since that time; but with respect to the two
sums of money, I returned them very exactly the moment I had it in
my power.
I cannot take leave of Venice without saying something of the
celebrated amusements of that city, or at least of the little part
of them of which I partook during my residence there. It has been seen
how little in my youth I ran after the pleasures of that age, or those
that are so called. My inclinations did not change at Venice, but my
occupations, which moreover would have prevented this, rendered more
agreeable to me the simple recreations I permitted myself. The first
and most pleasing of all was the society of men of merit. M. le Blond,
de St. Cyr, Carrio Altuna, and a Porlinian gentleman, whose name I
am very sorry to have forgotten, and whom I never call to my
recollection without emotion: he was the man of all I ever knew
whose heart most resembled my own. We were connected with two or three
Englishmen of great wit and information, and, like ourselves,
passionately fond of music. All these gentlemen had their wives,
female friends, or mistresses: the latter were most of them women of
talents, at whose apartments there were balls and concerts. There
was but little play; a lively turn, talents, and the theaters rendered
this amusement insipid. Play is the resource of none but men whose
time hangs heavy on their hands. I had brought with me from Paris
the prejudice of that city against Italian music; but I had also
received from nature a sensibility and niceness Of the distinction
which prejudice cannot withstand. I soon contracted that passion for
Italian music with which it inspires all those who are capable of
feeling its excellence. In listening to barcaroles, I found I had
not yet known what singing was, and I soon became so fond of the opera
that, tired of babbling, eating, and playing in the boxes when I
wished to listen, I frequently withdrew from the company to another
part of the theater. There, quite alone, shut up in my box, I
abandoned myself, notwithstanding the length of the representation, to
the pleasure of enjoying it at ease unto the conclusion. One evening
at the theater of Saint Chrysostom, I fell into a more profound
sleep than I should have done in my bed. The loud and brilliant airs
did not disturb my repose. But who can explain the delicious
sensations given me by the soft harmony of the angelic music, by which
I was charmed from sleep; what an awaking! what ravishment! what
ecstasy, when at the same instant I opened my ears and eyes! My
first idea was to believe I was in paradise. The ravishing air,
which I still recollect and shall never forget, began with these
words:
Conservami la bella,
Che si m'accende il cor.
I was desirous of having it; I had and kept it for a time; but it
was not the same thing upon paper as in my head. The notes were the
same but the thing was different. This divine composition can never be
executed but in my mind, in the same manner as it was the evening on
which it awoke me from sleep.
A kind of music far superior, in my opinion, to that of operas,
and which in all Italy has not its equal, nor perhaps in the whole
world, is that of the scuole. The scuole are houses of charity,
established for the education of young girls without fortune, to
whom the republic afterwards gives a portion either in marriage or for
the cloister. Amongst talents cultivated in these young girls, music
is in the first rank. Every Sunday at the church of each of the four
scuole, during vespers, motettos or anthems with full choruses,
accompanied by a great orchestra, and composed and directed by the
best masters in Italy, are sung in the galleries by girls only; not
one of whom is more than twenty years of age. I have not an idea of
anything so voluptuous and affecting as this music; the richness of
the art, the exquisite taste of the vocal part, the excellence of
the voices, the justness of the execution, everything in these
delightful concerts concurs to produce an impression which certainly
is not the mode, but from which I am of opinion no heart is secure.
Carrio and I never failed being present at these vespers of the
Mendicanti, and we were not alone. The church was always full of the
lovers of the art, and even the actors of the opera came there to form
their tastes after these excellent models. What vexed me was the
iron grate, which suffered nothing to escape but sounds, and concealed
from me the angels of which they were worthy. I talked of nothing
else. One day I spoke of it at Le Blond's: "If you are so desirous,"
said he, "to see those little girls, it will be an easy matter to
satisfy your wishes. I am one of the administrators of the house, I
will give you a collation with them." I did not let him rest until
he had fulfilled his promise. I entering the saloon, which contained
these beauties I so much sighed to see, I felt a trembling of love
which I had never before experienced M. le Blond presented to me,
one after the other, these celebrated female singers, of whom the
names and voices were all with which I was acquainted. Come,
Sophia,- she was horrid. Come, Cattina,- she had but one eye. Come,
Bettina,- the small-pox had entirely disfigured her. Scarcely one of
them was without some striking defect. Le Blond laughed at my
surprise; however, two or three of them appeared tolerable; these
never sung but in the choruses; I was almost in despair. During the
collation we endeavored to excite them, and they soon became
enlivened; ugliness does not exclude the graces, and I found they
possessed them. I said to myself, they cannot sing in this manner
without intelligence and sensibility, they must have both; in fine, my
manner of seeing them changed to such a degree that I left the house
almost in love with each of these ugly faces. I had scarcely courage
enough to return to vespers. But after having seen the girls, the
danger was lessened. I still found their singing delightful; and their
voices so much embellished their persons that, in spite of my eyes,
I obstinately continued to think them beautiful.
Music in Italy is accompanied with so trifling an expense, that it
is not worth while for such as have a taste for it to deny
themselves the pleasure it affords. I hired a harpsichord, and, for
half a crown, I had at my apartment four or five symphonists, with
whom I practiced once a week in executing such airs, etc., as had
given me most pleasure at the opera. I also had some symphonies
performed from my Muses Galantes. Whether these pleased the
performers, or the ballet-master of St. John Chrysostom wished to
flatter me, he desired to have two of them; and I had afterwards the
pleasure of hearing these executed by that admirable orchestra. They
were danced to by a little Bettina, pretty and amiable, and kept by
a Spaniard, M. Fagoaga, a friend of ours with whom we often went to
spend the evening. But apropos of girls of easy virtue: it is not in
Venice that a man abstains from them. Have you nothing to confess,
somebody will ask me, upon this subject? Yes: I have something to
say upon it, and I will proceed to this confession with the same
ingenuousness with which I have made all my former ones.
I always had a disinclination to common prostitutes, but at Venice
those were all I had within my reach; most of the houses being shut
against me on account of my place. The daughters of M. le Blond were
very amiable, but difficult of access; and I had too much respect
for the father and mother ever once to have the least desire for them.
- A brief account of the history of logic, from the The Oxford Companion to Philosophy (edited by Ted Honderich), OUP 1997, 497-500.
- A biography of Peter Abelard, published in the Dictionary of Literary Biography Vol. 115, edited by Jeremiah Hackett, Detroit: Gale Publishing, 3-15.
- Philosophy in the Latin Christian West, 750-1050, in A Companion to Philosophy in the Middle Ages, edited by Jorge Gracia and Tim Noone, Blackwell 2003, 32-35.
- Ockham wielding his razor!
- Review of The Beatles Anthology, Chronicle Books 2000 (367pp).
- A brief discussion note about Susan James, Passion and Action: The Emotions in Seventeenth-Century Philosophy.
- Review of St. Thomas Aquinas by Ralph McInerny, University of Notre Dame Press 1982 (172pp). From International Philosophical Quarterly23 (1983), 227-229.
- Review of William Heytesbury on Maxima and Minima by John Longeway, D.Reidel 1984 (x+201pp). From The Philosophical Review 96 (1987), 146-149.
- Review of That Most Subtle Question by D. P. Henry, Manchester University Press 1984 (xviii+337pp). From The Philosophical Review 96 (1987), 149-152.
- Review of Introduction to the Problem of Individuation in the Early Middle Ages by Jorge Gracia, Catholic University of America Press 1984 (303pp). From The Philosophical Review 97 (1988), 564-567.
- Review of Introduction to Medieval Logic by Alexander Broadie, OUP 1987 (vi+150pp). From The Philosophical Review 99 (1990), 299-302.
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